(DaRK PaRTY has read “Pride and Prejudice” twice and wishes we could be reincarnated at Mr. Darcy. What’s not to love about Jane Austen – one of the greatest novelists in literary history? Scholar Daniel S. Burt, in his book “The Literary 100,” lists Austen at number 18 and the first woman on the list. “Austen redefined the novel as a delicate instrument to reveal human nature,” Burt wrote. “Her novels demonstrate that commonplace, everyday experience can be the source of great and enduring art.” That got us thinking and pondering about Ms. Austen. So we reached out to Carol Pippen, the news editor at the Jane Austen Society of North America. Carol graciously agreed to answer our questions about first great English woman author)

DaRK PaRTY: Jane Austen, who has been dead for 190 years, is hot once again. Why do you think her novels remain so popular two centuries later?

Carol: Jane Austen was basically a good storyteller, who created characters that readers cared/care about. The characters are not perfect, of course, but appear as young people with major life issues. These characters have to make their way through life without guidebooks or even older people whose words they can follow. These novels still have the capacity to take readers to another world even as they continue to address recognizable issues in today's world.

DP: What is the biggest misconception about Jane Austen and her work?

Carol: The biggest misconception is that Jane Austen wrote "chick lit" or romances about silly girls who just want to get married. Jane Austen wrote comedies about the social order of her day, when girls needed to marry to survive.

DP: Jane Austen wrote six novels during her 41 years. Which one is your favorite and why?

Carol: Although this may sound cliché, but I don't have a clear favorite. I love “Pride and Prejudice,” easily the winner for most read. I love “Persuasion” because it is her last and seems more melancholy and even pensive about the future. “Emma” is considered by many to be her best book structurally. It is fine, but I do not like the Emma/Knightley romance. I like the layering in “Mansfield Park” and I even like Fanny Price, but I don't like most of the characters or the Fanny/Edmund romance. “Sense and Sensibility” offers too many oppositionals although I like sections, including the funny second chapter. “Northanger Abbey” is less developed in one form, and I wish that Catherine Morland had been better explored. She could have been my favorite heroine.

DP: All of her novels have been made into films or adapted for television. If forced to pick, which one would you say is the best and why?

Carol: “Pride and Prejudice” with Colin Firth, who may be single-handedly responsible for the growth in the Jane Austen industry.

DP: What is the Jane Austen Society of North America and what is the JASNA's mission?

Carol: JASNA is a group of readers whose favorite author is Jane Austen. I am not sure what the stated mission is, but it certainly is a place where Austen admirers and scholars can read about and talk about the novels and Austen's place in the literary world with other admirers and scholars. It is one of the few literary groups that welcome all; it is not just for the scholars. The organization has a literary journal “Persuasions” that comes out once a year; a thrice-yearly newsletter of about 30 pages; and a website that keeps members or potential members tuned in to current happenings.

A yearly annual general meeting in October brings members together for plenary sessions, breakout sessions, and other events. The 2007 AGM took place in Vancouver, B.C., and the 2008 will take place in Chicago; the 2009 will take place in Philadelphia. Check out the website.

Read our 5 Questions Interview about Poet Joyce Kilmer here

Labels: 5 Questions, Carol Pippen, interview, Jane Austen, literature

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With the new Ironman movie scheduled to premiere in May (see the trailer above), DaRK PaRTY decided it was time to set some limits. Not every superhero and villain is worthy of celluloid fame.

So far we’ve gotten films about Batman, Superman, X-Men, the Fantastic Four, Spiderman, Punisher, Swamp Thing, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Dick Tracy, Hulk, Daredevil, Captain America, Electra, Blade, Hellboy, Crow, and even Howard the Duck. Most are worthy (we’ll leave Electra and Howard the Duck on the table).

But the film industry is beginning to run out of A-list superheroes. We want to make sure that we don’t dig too deep into the annals of superhero comics. It could be dangerous – if not downright embarrassing.

That’s why we’ve compiled a list of 12 superheroes and villains that no one in their right mind would opt for the Hollywood treatment. In fact, these superheroes are so lame – most people wouldn’t even want to have their powers.

Editor’s Note: We aren’t including Robin on the list. Robin is the king of lame superheroes and therefore is automatically including in any list of lame-ass superheroes – even if he isn’t officially listed.

The Whizzer

Secret Identity: Robert L. Frank

Origin: In Africa with his doctor father, Frank is bitten by a cobra. His father injects him with the blood of a mongoose to counteract the cobra venom. The result: super speed.

Powers: He’s very, very fast.

Appearance: With the name The Whizzer it may have been a mistake to put him in a bright yellow costume.

Lame Factor: I guess the name The Flash was taken, but, my God, the Whizzer?

Creator: Timely Comics (later Marvel Comics)

First Appeared: 1941

Snide Comment: The United States was on the verge of entering World War II – so clearly people were distracted. But naming a superhero after a bodily function probably doomed The Whizzer from becoming the next Superman.

Beak

Secret Identity: Barnell Bohusk

Origin: Barnell was born a mutant that gave him birdlike qualities – except, amazingly, the power to fly.

Powers: He can glide for short distances, has enhanced eyesight, and his hands are talons. Oh, he’s got feathers, too.

Appearance: A plucked chicken clad in X-Men leather.

Lame Factor: These are powers? Poor bastard should hunt down the folks at Purdue.

Creator: Marvel Comics (a minor mutant character in the X-Men series)

First Appeared: 2001

Snide Comment: We wonder if he tastes like chicken. Believe it or not, but Beak has become a fan favorite and even has a fan site dedicated to him.

The Gay Ghost

Secret Identity: Keith Everet

Origin: Everet is the Earl of Strethmere (in Ireland) when he is attacked by bandits who steal his purse (no really!). He’s murdered and his spirit goes to heaven where his ancestors agree to allow him to return to earth as the Gay Ghost.

Powers: He can possess other people’s bodies and is an expert, ahem, swordsman.

Appearance: An 18^th century Earl – who happens to have long, luscious hair, is transparent, and ghostly.

Lame Factor: He’s called the Gay Ghost – which is an enormous liability.

Creator: DC Comics

First Appeared: 1942

Snide Comment: Clearly, the gay movement hadn’t happened when Gay Ghost was created – and yet the character seems to be, well, gay.

Wallflower

Secret Identity: Laurie Collins

Origin: Collins grew up in a single-parent home before becoming a student at the Xavier Institute (famous as home of the X-Men).

Powers: She can manipulate the emotions of other people with pheromones.

Appearance: She looks like a pouty, blond cheerleader.

Lame Factor: She also acts like a pouty, blond cheerleader. And her major power seems to be the ability to make people cry at whim.

Creator: Marvel Comics (one of the more ridiculous mutants)

First Appeared: 2003

Snide Comment: Clearly, the folks at Marvel were having trouble with their teenage daughters. Yet here’s another minor superhero with a fan site.

Power Girl

Secret Identity: Kara Zor-L

Origin: Okay, she was blasted into space after the planet Krypton exploded. If this sounds familiar – it is. This is exactly the same origin as Superman. Superman, in fact, is her cousin.

Powers: Exactly the same as Superman (enormous strength, X-ray vision, blah, blah, blah).

Appearance: White spandex bathing suit with an amazing push-up bra.

Lame Factor: She’s Superman with Jennifer Aniston’s hair and gravity defying breasts.

Creator: DC Comics (apparently developed during a very bad brainstorm session).

First Appeared: 1976

Snide Comment: This is what Superman would look like if he was a stripper.

Hawkman

Secret Identity: Carter Hall

Origin: Hall is the reincarnation of Prince Khufu who died centuries ago while in combat with an Egyptian wizard.

Powers: He can fly using artificial wings made of Nth mental from the Planet Thanagar.

Appearance: A guy in a hawk outfit – generally not wearing a shirt.

Lame Factor: He’s got wings and uses spears and maces as weapons. One gets the sense that even Green Arrow could take him.

Creator: DC Comics

First Appeared: 1940

Snide Comment: Could not come up with a better name than Hawkman?

Brother Voodoo

Secret Identity: Jericho Drumm

Origin: Amazingly, Drumm is from Haiti (what are the chances?). A psychologist by trade, he returns to his homeland to see his dying brother. Urged by his brother to learn voodoo, Drumm studies under Papa Jambo to become the new Brother Voodoo.

Powers: Drumm taps the power of Loa to create smoke, control fire, and command living things – mostly animals such as snakes, alligators and dogs. He can boost his strength by summoning the spirit of his dead brother.

Appearance: Think of all the racist stereotypes of a black man as a voodoo priest and, well, that’s Brother Voodoo.

Lame Factor: It feels like Brother Voodoo may have been a rejected villain for a James Bond movie. Also, one of Brother Voodoo’s aliases is “He-Who-Has-Died-Twice.”

Creator: Marvel Comics

First Appeared: 1973

Snide Comment: Brother Voodoo could only have been created in the 1970s.

Green Arrow

Secret Identity: Oliver Queen

Origin: Queen, a millionaire playboy, tumbles off a yacht and washes onto the shore of a tropical island with a movie prop – a green longbow. Stranded for months on the island, Queen hones his skills as an archer before tricking smugglers to taking him back home to Star City.

Powers: Queen – mind you after only months of practice! – is the world’s greatest archer. He uses his money to develop all kinds of gimmick arrows to help him fight crime (like arrows with grappling hooks!).

Appearance: A green Robin Hood with a blond goatee

Lame Factor: This man has no super powers at all.

Creator: DC Comics

First Appeared: 1941

Snide Comment: Thank god he wasn’t washed up on the island with a slingshot.

Animal Man

Secret Identity: Buddy Baker

Origin: While hunting, Baker is zapped by aliens with a laser. His body is reconstructed with “morphogenetic grafts” that allow him to temporarily mimic any animal that has ever existed by tapping into “the unseen web of energy that links and shapes all animal life.”

Powers: He can fly like an eagle, run like a cheetah, and absorb the strength of a lion.

Appearance: Red and blue spandex with (get this) a black leather jacket.

Lame Factor: We wonder: when he’s feeling sensitive does he absorb the abilities of pink flamingos?

Creator: DC Comics (he actually had his own comic book)

First Appeared: 1965

Snide Comment: Shape of a chipmunk!

Kangaroo

Secret Identity: Frank Oliver

Origin: Oliver, shockingly a native of Australia, was obsessed with kangaroos and began to live with them. He ate the same food, ran and hopped with them, until he developed the same abilities as his marsupial friends.

Powers: He can box and jump just like a kangaroo!

Appearance: A muscular Crocodile Dundee.

Lame Factor: One can only imagine what life in the Outback must have been like for Oliver and his kangaroo pals as the skipped, hopped, and dined together.

Creator: Marvel Comics (first appeared as an enemy to Spiderman)

First Appeared: 1970

Snide Factor: May be the lamest origin story ever.

Mole Man

Secret Identity: Harvey Rupert Elder

Origin: A genius, but very ugly, Elder was shunned for his looks. He spent his life searching for a legendary underground kingdom. Finally, after washing up on the shores of Monster Island (we don’t make this stuff up, folks) he found Subterranea and became one of its masters.

Powers: He’s blind, but all his other senses are razor sharp. He has the radar of a bat (but apparently the name Bat Man was taken). He invents all kinds of weird weaponry that he uses in combat.

Appearance: Think Danny DeVito with thick glasses.

Lame Factor: He’s a mole. Need we say anymore?

Creator: Marvel Comics (originally a villain to The Fantastic Four)

First Appeared: 1961

Snide Comment: Mole Man was created by Stan Lee – even the king can have an off day.

Matter-Eater Lad

Secret Identity: Tenzil Kem

Origin: Born on the planet Bismoll, Kem was injected with microbes like the rest of the population because it helped them eat their food. As a result, Kem is able to eat anything and well, unfortunately, he does.

Powers: He can eat any substance.

Appearance: A teenage boy in a green and yellow outfit of his superhero group – Legion of Super-Heroes.

Lame Factor: Matter-Eater Lad is proof that even comic book writers get desperate.

Creator: DC Comics

First Appeared: 1963

Snide Comment: No one wants to follow Matter-Eater Lad into the restroom.

Read our picks for the best and worst superhero movies

Labels: comics, superheroes

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if i read you
pablo neruda
with faux spanish lilts
will you smile at me
deliciously

listen to the inflections
in my voice
until we fall asleep
in a blanket
of momentos silenciosos.

if i read you
spanish poetry
will you
adóreme.

remind me of kindness
with your warm
liquid eyes.
i barely comprehend
all the parts of you
i recognize.

if i sing you
pablo neruda
to the sounds of
your guitar
are we sharing music
or poetry
or perhaps
it is
eternity.

mira...
how your silent moments
awaken such sweet
sounds
in me.

(This is the second poem by Kara Emily Krantz featured at DaRK PaRTY. Kara is a graduate student studying counseling psychology who lives in Central Massachusetts. You can read more of her verse at the Writer’s Café.)

Read Kara's poem "meanwhile i keep dancing" here

Labels: Kara Emily Krantz, Poem

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Labels: Fiction, Hemingway, Writing

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Labels: Christmas, Dark Party

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60 Years After its Release, "It's a Wonderful Life" Remains a Powerful Human Story

It’s difficult to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” (1946) without a few tears splashing down your cheeks.

It’s a tearjerker, but the film isn’t maudlin or manipulative. “It’s a Wonderful Life” rises above that kind of trite nonsense and becomes a truly human film – a masterpiece in the tradition of Charles Dickens (but with an American backdrop). That’s the power of the film – viewers experience the turbulence and triumphs of George Bailey’s life.

Director Frank Capra – in top form – creates a complicated and complex man in George Bailey (played with amazing range by Jimmy Stewart). So much so that viewers feel his anger, relish in his bouts of happiness, and can’t help but rooting for him. Few films provide such fully realized characters.

Bailey is in many ways unlikable. He can be a seething loudmouth (telling a boy dancing with Mary Hatch to stop annoying people). He’s got an explosive temper that he unleashes on his wife and on his uncle with shocking fury. He’s an envious, jealous man especially in his mixed emotions toward his pal Sam Wainwright who becomes a rich industrialist. He also falls into periods of depression and self-loathing.

Yet despite all of his flaws, Bailey has a sweet and tender side. He cares deeply about his mother and brother (sacrificing his own happiness for that of his family). He’s loyal to the core. Bailey’s a dreamer – a man who longs for adventure and “to build things,” but can’t muster the courage to move out of his hometown.

But Bailey doesn’t stand alone. He is given a supporting cast of original characters – all of whom bring their own histories, prejudices, and complications to the story. From his crazy Uncle Billy (who lives with squirrels and crows) to the wheel-chair confined industrialist Henry F. Potter.

Don’t let the holiday theme fool you. “It’s a Wonderful Life” is a dark film – disguised by its title and its reputation as a Christmas movie. But the movie is about a man’s lost dreams, his plummet into hopelessness, and finally into an attempted suicide. This is the story of a man who comes to despise himself so much that he wishes he were never born.

And what a triumph that the darkness turns to light. Bailey gets to redeem himself. Through the lens of his own death, Bailey is given the gift to discover the consequences of what would have happened to the people he cares so much about if he’d never existed.

The most chilling scene in this sequence is when Bailey stumbles through the snow of a cemetery and falls to his knees at the base of a gloomy tombstone. Etched in the cold stone is the name of his brother who drowned in a sledding accident when he was nine years old.

Distraught, Bailey turns to his guardian angel Clarence.

Clarence: Your brother, Harry Bailey, broke through the ice and was drowned at the age of nine.

Bailey: That's a lie! Harry Bailey went to war - he got the Congressional Medal of Honor, he saved the lives of every man on that transport.

Clarence: Every man on that transport died! Harry wasn't there to save them, because you weren't there to save Harry.

The full impact of what he has wished for sinks into through his facial expressions (his eyes wild with fright and loathing, his hands trembling). It’s a powerful scene.

This darkness is what makes the ending so heartwarming. We watch the town of Bedford Falls rally behind its favorite son. They come out in droves to show support for this desperate man – this flawed, yet inherently good man.

And viewers see a mirror of themselves – what would it be like if we were in the same circumstances? Would people come out to support us? Would our families and friends be there? And that’s when the tears start.

Because George Bailey is all of us.

Read our ode to the Bourne Supremacy

Read our parody of "It's a Wonderful Life"

Labels: It's a Wonderful Life, Movies, Ode To

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An Interview With Thriller Novelist Dave Zeltserman

(DaRK PaRTY loves a tasty mystery novel (that doesn’t involve protagonists named Dexter). Crime fiction has never been more popular – so we were happy to run into Dave Zeltserman, a crime writer in Massachusetts who just published his second novel “Bad Thoughts,” a neo-noir mystery/horror novel that Booklist praised as a “compellingly clever wheels-within-wheels thriller.” Dave lives in the Boston area with his wife, Judy; is a die-hard Patriots and Red Sox fan; and when he’s not writing crime fiction he spends his time studying Kung Fu. We talked to Dave about crime fiction and the challenges facing emerging writers in today’s book industry)

DaRK PaRTY: How did you get your start in writing novels?

Dave: I always read a lot, and at times would try writing short stories. The thing was in high school I was more of a math and physics guy, and in college majored in Applied Math and Computer Science, so writing seemed more like a lark than something I should seriously pursue. After college I worked as a software engineer, and still found myself drawn to writing fiction in my spare time.

I was struggling with a private eye story and doing a bad job trying to imitate Ross Macdonald when I discovered Jim Thompson. Reading “Hell of a Woman”, “Swell-Looking Babe” and “Savage Night” changed my way of looking at how crime fiction could be written, and allowed me to see a different way to rework my story. This ended up becoming my first book, “Fast Lane,” which 12 years after writing it was sold to the Italian publisher, Meridiano Zero, and in 2004 published by Point Blank Press.

DP: What do you find so interesting about crime fiction?

Dave: I like the toughness of it. I also like the psychological aspects of it; all that guilt and desperation and darkness and raw emotion. Good fiction is where you’re constantly upping the ante as far as conflict goes, and crime fiction is a natural for that. That’s almost the definition for noir — characters who just keep making their situation worse until there’s no hope. This is really true with any fiction, but to me the best crime fiction is when it’s written at two or more levels.

“Fast Lane” at one level is a psychotic noir novel, but thematically is also about the damage child abuse causes as it’s passed from generation to generation. My new novel, “Bad Thoughts” is also at one level a crime/horror thriller, and at another about surviving tremendous abuse.

DP: Can you tell us about your new novel "Bad Thoughts"? What's it about and how did the idea for it germinate?

Dave: When I was writing it I thought of it as a metaphysical thriller, but readers and reviewers are calling it instead a mix of horror and crime, and I can see their point. The book focuses on Cambridge, Massachusetts police detective, Bill Shannon. When he was 13 he walked in on Herbert Winters murdering his mother. Now 20 years later, bodies start piling up and the victims are being killed in the same brutal manner as Shannon’s mother. Winters, who is now dead, is visiting Shannon in his dreams to tell Shannon that he’s committing these murders during blackouts. Soon everyone in Shannon’s precinct is suspecting him, even his own partner, and Shannon is beginning to have doubts about his own sanity. The mystery is for Shannon to discover what’s going on.

This is the only book I didn’t have any real inspiration for. I was working with a literary agent at the time who gave me a one paragraph plot for a book to write, that was kind of a “Silence of the Lambs” knockoff. I didn’t want to do that, instead I reworked it into something I was happy with. I was reading some books on metaphysics while I was working on this, and some of the ideas from that were used heavily in the book.

DP: What's the most difficult part about being an emerging novelist today?

Dave: Getting picked up by a major publisher is very hard. The industry has changed from a publishing house nurturing authors and working with them as they develop their skill over several novels to looking at everything as a commercial package. Editors today also have much less say in what they buy — I’ve talked with several editors at some of the large houses who like my works, but what they tell me is they can only buy formula. Books have to be overtly commercial, and these editors have a hard time buying anything that’s different.

I consider myself very fortunate to have my next three books published by one of the top UK publishers for crime fiction, Serpent’s Tail. They’re an independent, but unlike most of the small US houses, they have a lot of marketing muscle behind them. Their books end up in bookstores and they get treated seriously by reviewers. They’re old-fashioned in that they care only about the quality of the books they publish instead of the perceived “commercial” value of them.

My advice to beginning crime novelists, if you want to get published by a large house, write something that’s formula. If it’s too dark or different, forget it, the chances are you’re going to have to be published by a small house, which means few reviews and few bookstores other than a handful of independents stocking your book.

DP: What three crime novelists do you read on a regular basis and why?

Dave: In the past I’ve devoured everything that Dashiell Hammett, Jim Thompson, Rex Stout, James M. Cain, and Jonathan Latimer have written, and they’re the crime writers I most admire.

I run a crime fiction web-site, Hardluck Stories, so these days I’m mostly reading what publishers are sending me. Outside of that, I’ve worked my way through half of Charles Willeford’s books, and will be working my way through the other half — he was a brilliant writer, dark, sardonic, with very interesting sensibilities.

I’ll also probably be reading more Gil Brewer after recently reading “The Vengeful Virgin.” Probably the three best crime novels I’ve read recently are “Reasonable Doubts” by Gianrico Carofiglio, “Robbie’s Wife” by Russell Hill and “Cross” by Ken Bruen — where all three are very skillfully written and focus more on the tone and emotion than what you usually see.

Also, while not necessarily a crime novelist since he has only written two books, one crime, one horror, I think Scott Smith is an amazingly talented writer, and the writing in “The Ruins” – while very painful as far as the subject matter – was a real tour de force.

Labels: 5 Questions, Dave Zeltserman, Fiction, interview, mysteries

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I haven’t seen the Showtime TV series based on Jeff Lindsay’s novels about a coy, overly mannered serial killer, so I can’t comment on the reviews that praise the show. But I can rightly and indignantly scoff at the reviews the first novel in the series “Darkly Dreaming Dexter” has received.

Where to begin? How about TIME Magazine: “With chills like these, you can skip the air-conditioning.” Or USA Today: “Dark and devious… daring and unexpectedly comedic.” Even the New York Times Book Review jumped in with: “A macabre tour-de-force.”

Wow. Sign me up.

But it took a laborious week to struggle through the 288 pages in the paperback version of “Darkly Dreaming Dexter.” Why did it take me longer to read “Dexter” than to read William Faulkner’s “As I Lay Dying”? Because it is an agonizing chore to wade through a bad book every single night.

The word “overrated” can’t fully describe the deep disappointment in this hollow, poorly written drivel. But I can divulge to readers 10 damn dramatic reasons to avoid it (warning: plot spoilers ahead):

1. Debasing and Degrading Damsels. The women characters are either chopped to pieces by a serial killer or exploited for their sexuality (Dexter’s cop sister, Deborah, spends most of the novel parading around dressed as a hooker and Dexter dates a sexual abuse woman who he eventually seduces – and guess what! She loves it! It turns out that all this deeply damaged woman needed was sex with a mass murderer).

2. Dull, Drab Ducks. The characters are all clichéd stereotypes that resemble cartoon characters more than real people. There is no depth here – no attempt even – to explore below the surface of any of characters.

3. Ditzy, Dumb Deborah. Dexter’s sister is one of the most vapid, self-centered, unlikable characters you’ll ever read. She shrills. Every time she’s on the page it is like listening to fingernails being dragged across a chalkboard. She gets to utter dialogue like this: “If tits were brains I’d be Einstein… That’s what she’s spreading about me. That kind of crappy tag sticks to you, and then they don’t promote you because they think nobody will respect you with a nickname like that. Goddamn it, Dex, she’s ruining my career.”

4. Defective, Deluded Drivel. The reviews all praise Lindsay for coming up with the concept of a serial killer who hunts for other serial killers. I’m sorry, but haven’t any of these reviewers read Thomas Harris? You see he has a character by the name of Hannibal Lector…

5. Disturbing, Droll Dexter. As the first-person voice of the novel, Dexter’s witty sense of humor is so damn annoying that by the time you’re halfway through the book you hope his next victim is himself. He isn’t half as clever as he thinks he is when he says things like: “Please Deborah? You’re saying please to me? Do you know how nervous that makes me?”

6. Dumb, Disappointing and Done. A cryptic, implausible, and, ultimately cop out of an ending. The real kicker is when Lindsay introduces a long lost brother as the real killer. I think I groaned out loud. Are you kidding me? Let’s not even get into the myriad of forgotten loose ends (how did his brother escape? How did Deborah survive? What happened to the stooge who confessed?).

7. Decrepit, Directionless Diagnosis. Lindsay fails to deliver on the most important aspect of any police procedural novel – making the investigation seem real. It is clear that Lindsay has no clue as to how actual police investigations work. Did he do any research at all? The crime scenes read like cocktail parties where Dexter – a blood splatter expert at the forensic lab -- pops up whether he’s working or not. He’s like a fast food clerk who comes to work on his days off wearing his uniform.

8. Dumb Dialogue. Some of the chatter between characters makes you wince. Scenes of dialogue often have no point. They don’t seem to drive the plot or reveal character. They just are. Ditties like this:

“Sorry,” I said.

“Yeah. Sure.”

I sat down in my chair and didn’t speak. Deb likes to unload on me. That’s what family is for. “Why were you so anxious to speak to me?”

“They’re shutting me out,” she said. She opened my doughnut bag and looked inside.

“What did you expect?” I said. “You know how LaGuerta feels about you.”

She pulled a cruller out of the bag and savaged it.

“I expect,” she said, mouth full, “to be in on this. Like the captain said.”

“You don’t have any seniority,” I said. “Or any political smarts.”

She crumpled the bag and threw it at my head. She missed. “Goddamn it, Dexter,” she said. “You know damned well I deserve to be in Homicide…”

9. Downright Dubious Detective. The police investigation of a brutal serial killer is in entirely in the hands of one detective – a woman with a spotty record in closing cases. There’s no task force. There’s no FBI intervention. There’s no state police involvement. In “Dexter” the case is entirely in the hands of one woman police detective (who, of course, is a dumber than Deborah).

10. Deceitful Decorum. Jeff Lindsay (a.k.a. Jeffry P. Freundlich) was nominated for the Mystery Writers of America’s Edgar Awards for Best First Novel. But it was dropped after the group discovered that the deceitful Lindsay had published several other novels under another pen name.

Labels: books, Dexter, Jeff Lindsay, mysteries

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The noise you associate with the overhead heating and cooling ducts? It’s really the sound of your soul being vacuumed into oblivion. It’s your dreams, your potential, your individuality, and your character being sucked away by your corporate slave masters.

Take a good look around you, Office Worker. Is there any more depressing place to work than a modern corporation? You work in a cookie-cutter office park (on the outskirts of a major city) among a rabbit warren of cubicles and conference rooms. Oh, look a coffee station! Try not to notice the dried, speckled sweat stains on the toilet seat.

Listen to numbing silence that ultimately will be the doom of you. Every sound is amplified – the click-clack of keyboards, the squeak of chair seats, the soft ringing of telephones, and (if you concentrate) the silent screams of your co-workers.

But it is the ventilation system that provides the soundtrack for office buildings – call it “White Noise of Despair.” That unhealthy hum combined with the harsh overhead lighting that leaves no doubt about your current situation – you’re in a cage. No fresh air (when is the last time you felt a breeze at work?). No natural light.

Zoo monkeys have larger spaces.

This unnatural environment stifles creativity and self-expression and promotes conformity and obedience – two attributes most rewarded by corporations (even your precious start-ups you deluded techies). How else to get supposedly highly education people to ensconce themselves in prison cells all day? You bribe them with paychecks (and a subsidized cafeteria). Those that knuckle under fastest get the cash bonuses.

And here is the best part. Give them gadgets (make them shiny and with lots of buttons). Call them Treo and Blackberry or iPhone. Give them laptops and beepers. If you web-enable everything, these toadies will actually continue to work after they’ve left the office. They’ll become like Pavlov’s Dogs and start to drool every time their mobile or wireless device beeps, hums, or vibrates.

The buffoons actually believe you are rewarding them with these devices and they will pay back your generosity by working at home – for free.

Isn’t it amusing that we once thought mineshafts were dangerous? Ha! Ha! Ha! How about these corporate offices! No fresh air – just recycled air pushed through chemically treated ducts. Everything – the chairs, desks, cubes – made of polymers (basically hardened chemicals). Then add the wires, the LDC screens, LANS, servers, telephones, and wireless networks to give the already stale polluted air a tinge of electricity.

Is it any wonder that they weaken and die from cancer, heart disease, and brain aneurysms?

Then ramp it up. Increase expectations, set unrealistic deadlines, pile on the work, and watch how jumpy they get. Watch their eyes get bloodshot, their asses get itchy, and they’re tempers flare (at each other no less!).

But don’t worry, Friend. Go back to work. The feeling in pit of your stomach will go away soon. You can watch TV later.

Oh, look, an email from the boss…

Read our Notes from a Corporate Meeting

Read How to be an Office Drone

Labels: Corporate, Parody

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(Quick reviews on the books we’ve been reading. A “cracked-back” is what happens to the spine of a new book once you’ve thoroughly read it. Please feel free to add your own list of recommendations by leaving behind a comment.)

As I Lay Dying
By William Faulkner

Faulkner is always a challenging read, but worth the effort. “As I Lay Dying” is no exception. In fact, it’s one of his best. The novel is broken into short chapters narrated in the first person by numerous characters – most of them members of the Bundren family. The clan is transporting its dead matriarch, Addie, to her hometown for burial. The family, crowded onto a mule-drawn wagon, experiences several disasters and semi-comic tragedies as they make the arduous sojourn. Faulkner’s stream-of-conscious writing is difficult to wade through at first as the point of view shifts rapidly with each chapter. The characters narrate in the moment and without much historical context. But that’s the brilliance of Faulkner. The story becomes that much richer and complex as nuggets of information reveal themselves. “As I Lay Dying” is a great place for readers who have never read Faulkner to start. The plot is relatively simple (although the characters are complex) and after the first part the style becomes part of the charm of the novel.

Grade: A

“Alex” is a graphic novel about a frustrated animation artist who burns out working at a large Hollywood animation studio. He moves back to the blue-collar industrial city where he grew up to try and regroup, but finds himself on a steep emotional decline. He lives in an attic studio trying desperately to recapture his artistic fastball – but his excessive drinking leads him to destroy whatever he’s worked on in drunken rages. “Alex” is a nightmarish portrait of dreams gone awry and how success can’t always bring happiness. Kalesniko is one of the most underrated artists/writers working in the graphic novel genre. The artwork in “Alex” is stunning – simple line drawings, yet capturing the alienation of Alex and his hometown. The storyline is intense – especially when Alex turns against his only friend, the lonely Jerome (who lives at home with his born-again Christian mother). For those readers who don’t usually read graphic novels, “Alex” is an excellent place to start.

Grade: A-

Breaking the Spell: Religion as a Natural Phenomenon
By Daniel C. Dennett

This is one in a long list of books exploring religion and atheism. Dennett, a philosophy professor at Tufts University, has been at the forefront of the atheist movement (and one of the academics responsible for renaming atheists “Brights”). This book asks more questions than it answers. Dennett calls for religion to be studied scientifically to find out how it affects human nature and our policies and governments. He also floats the interesting proposition that most people actually don’t believe in god, but believe in religion. The distinction is profound as Dennett argues that people like the structure and the straight-forward morality that comes with organized religion, but when push comes to shove balk at truly believing in an omnipresent, omnipotent being that controls all of our actions. “Breaking the Spell” is a bit clunky and Dennett cites his own works and other books on the topic often (so if a reader is unfamiliar with them, it’s easy to get lost). It’s a good supplement for those interested in the topic, but not so much for those looking for an introduction to atheism.

Grade: B-

Treasure Island
By Robert Louis Stevenson

Robert Louis Stevenson deserves more credit as a novelist. He is rarely held up as one of the greatest writers in literature, but he should be. After all, this is the writer who introduced some of the most compelling and popular characters in literature: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and Long John Silver. The latter, of course, stalks through the pages of “Treasure Island,” a pirate adventure against which all other pirate stories are measured. Long John Silver is a complicated character – wily old pirate with a missing leg and a secret cunning that allows him to play one side against the other while never truly announcing his own alliances. That because Long John’s only loyalty is too himself and his own survival. He is, by far, the most interesting character in “Treasure Island” and, indeed, the reason for the novel being considered a classic. The plot is straight forward – a young boy named Jim Hawkins discovers a treasure map in the belongings of an old pirate who died at his parent’s inn. Accompanied by his family’s doctor, he heads out with a suspicious crew to hide the treasure. The crew turns out to the crew of the pirate captain who buried the treasure. All sorts of adventures unfold in a delightful and suspenseful way. “Treasure Island” is a book for the ages and for all ages.

Grade: A-

Labels: books, Cracked-Back, Daniel C Dennett, literature, Mark Kalesniko, Robert Louis Stevenson, William Faulkner

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Some things age well: wine, cheese, and Heather Locklear.

Some things age poorly: piano ties, day-glow headbands, and music videos, especially music videos from the 1980s.

Spend too much time watching videos from MTV’s heyday (remember the astronauts and when the station actually played music videos?) and you get a bad feeling that the 1980s weren’t as cool as we all remember.

Disturbing questions emerge from our latest list of truly awful videos from the Neon Decade: “Should Lionel Richie have done some jail time for Hello?” “Did Crowded House channel the Village People for Something So Strong?” “Has Falco ever really run before?” And can somebody please give Steve Perry a goddamn hair cut?

Anyway, our list of the 10 Really Bad Videos from the 1980s was so popular that we’ve come up with a sequel: “Son of 10 Really Bad Videos from the 1980s.”

Crowded House
Something So Strong

This gag-inducing video (it takes place in a barn with the frolicking members of the band wearing bright outfits and surrounded by fawning farm girls) makes Boy George seem like Rambo in comparison. The happiness being expressed by the band as they tease and dance and get into all kinds of mischief projects this into the realm of gayest video ever made. Yes, we all understand that they were going for a Mentos-kind-of-thing, but the satire is so subtle that it barely exists (see video above).

Lionel Richie
Hello

Celebrate stalking with this ode to creepy old guys with unhealthy obsessions with young women. Lionel Richie plays a teacher (a drama teacher, no less) infatuated with a pretty, blind girl who is his student. He spends the whole video following her around and crying out “Hello!” to her (and carefully avoiding her friends). Lionel puts his patented “porn” mustache to good use here. The creepiness intensifies until the very end when the confused girl falls into his slimy grasp. Be prepared to need a shower after watching this one (see video below).

Olivia Newton-John
Physical

Olivia Newton-John as a gym whore. She spends the first part of the video coyly flirting with a group of muscle-bound oafs in orange bikini briefs working out in some kind of neon, metallic gym. The next half she spends abusing a group of overweight men just trying to drop a couple of pounds on treadmills and exercise bikes. Poor bastards. The highlight is when she pours baby oil on the roly-poly (and probably carbuncle riddled) back of some unshaven ape. In the end though, the muscled guys all pair up (I’m not kidding) and Olivia ends up with the fat guy. And, oh yeah, she wears a white headband.

Journey
Separate Ways

It’s difficult to be polite when it comes to Journey. So let’s just get this out of the way. They suck. And this video is exhibit number one. Steve Perry – who tries to look really intense here by bunching his finely plucked eyebrows – wears tight jeans and a checkered sleeveless t-shirt. But give him credit for sticking with the mullet. The best part of this video – with the exception of the mole on Steve Perry’s chin – is the band pretending to play invisible instruments. Now that takes talent. Don’t miss the keyboard solo!

Toni Basil
Mickey

We guess one shouldn’t expect much from a singer named after a spice. This is a cheerleader video so one should have expected them to hire actual cheerleaders for the filming. Alas, they hired a group of apparently drunk rejects who can’t get in sync. But worst of all is the dancing of Toni Basil. Oh. My. God. When did skipping and clapping at the same time become so difficult? Get ready to die of boredom. And, hey, Toni, fire your make-up arrest.

Doctor and the Medics
Spirit in the Sky

Say this about the good Doctor – he’s got better make-up than Toni Basil. But let’s face the fact about Doctor and the Medics – they were a KISS rip-off band – with less talent. The band’s video of Norman Greenbaum’s 1969 hit single displays its lack of creativity and originality. Nothing happens, except that the Doctor climbs a ladder. He’s a damn good climber. Get it? The song is titled “Spirit in the Sky” so the Doctor climbs a ladder to get closer to it. The best part of this miserable experience is the red-headed drummer who seems to be on the verge of quitting band during the video.

Styx
Mr. Roboto

Give Styx credit for beautifully blown dried hair, but we’ve got a secret – this video is retarded – earnest – but retarded. It’s a concept song gone completely haywire. “I’m not a hero! I’m not a savior!” Really? Who knew! The Japanese robots who dance like robots are more racist than the old Charlie Chan movies. There’s only one question you have after watching this: Why?

Bow Wow Wow
I Want Candy

Here’s a free piece of advice: don’t film punk rockers on a beach. Punk rockers are so pale they’re practically blue and the bright sunshine makes them look like bottles of bleach. Punk rockers are also skinny and blotchy and look like shit in bathing suits. But the worst part of the “I Want Candy” video is that lead singer Annabella Lwin is displayed as a sexpot (even frolicking in a wet t-shirt and seductively licking an ice cream cone) despite being only 15 years old. One almost expects Lionel Richie to prance onto the screen and start stalking the poor girl. Then there’s the matter of the giant candy canes sticking up out of the sand.

Taco
Puttin’ on the Ritz

Beware of German pop artists. Taco’s face has more moves than a sock puppet on an epileptic. It’s scary expressive (and apparently he hired Toni Basil’s make-up artist because his cheeks glow like cherries). The most horrifying sequence here is the tap dance routine with Taco and a group of black-faced, tuxedo-clad men. Very politically correct. Taco even sports a day-glow cane – because I’m sure he thinks it’s very surreal. If you’re blue try watching this debacle.

Falco
Der Kommissar

Let’s also add a warning for Austrian pop artists. Falco (who is the lone survivor of triplets – which is creepy in and of itself) runs like a girl in front of a screen showing traffic. That’s it. It’s the entire video – Falco running and singing. Unfortunately none of the cars are real and don’t run him down. This may be the worst video on the list. The only way to improve it would be to have Lionel Richie chasing him.

Labels: Music, Rock

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1987. Fall in love with The Wizard of Oz. Learn to walk in red leather heels. Also, pretend to smoke thin rolls of paper and drape a yellow towel on your head like long blond hair. Feel utterly beautiful as the tornado whisks you away.

1989. Get a perm for your birthday. Show your Grandfather, who laughs and says you look ridiculous, which is not as bad as when he said your sister’s pixie cut made her look like an Auschwitz survivor, but still feel gravely concerned that your value as a human being has dipped well below socially acceptable. This feeling is central to being a woman.

1988. Kiss Lee Pongpipat (the only Asian boy you’ve ever known) on the cheek after agreeing to trade him Buddha for God.

2001. Take a job as a dishwasher at a party rental store where you clean frat-boy piss out of the drinks fountain. Use the money to buy a fierce pair of heels.

1993. Barbie and Ken break her white and pink plastic canopy bed on their honeymoon. The next day she divorces him and marries My Little Pony, and they consummate their union in the Playskool barn.

2002. Be cheated on by a frat-boy.

2004. Take a job as an occupational therapist in Oxford, where you have to bathe an old man who tells you to “go fuck yourself you Goddamn Yankee” and who will be assaulted by a middle-aged woman who will tell him that he’s dirty and plays with his bollocks and steals her babies. Use the money to go to Ireland.

1981, December 22, 9:42 p.m. Your father will note that you have the Brown “monkey-toes”, meaning that your toes, and the toes of virtually everyone in your family are freakishly long, a trait which he will point out at birthday parties and family reunions for the next 23 years, until you snap and tell him he’s embarrassing you both. Feel undesirable to foot fetishists.

1994. Get your ears pierced and practice French-kissing with a girlfriend. Also, after D.A.R.E. graduation, practice smoking grass. Not marijuana, lawn clippings.

1999. Your mother buys you a silver dress and silver heels. Get your hair and makeup done in the style of a dramatic 40s film star. Wear a corset for the first time in your life. Very nearly faint from lack of oxygen. Go to the prom with a blue-haired boy who will leave you for his ex halfway through.

2005. 8 a.m., kiss a boy to make up for the first kiss you had the night before but that was forgotten in a haze of white wine and hard cider.

1990. Convince your sister to run away with you from a life in the cruel oppression of your slave-owners to one of freedom and opportunity. Slip quietly into Oz while the dishwater goes cold and filmy in the kitchen.

(Poet and writer Jess Myers is a regular contributor to DaRK PaRTY. She lives in New York City where she is toiling away in corporate real estate.)

Labels: Jess Myers, Poem

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An Interview With Sister Julie Vieira

(DaRK PaRTY can’t think about nuns without Hamlet’s famous quotation running through our twisted minds: "Get thee to a nunnery; why wouldst thou be a breeder of sinners?” Of course, Hamlet didn’t mean an actual nunnery – where nuns reside. But we digress. Nuns hold a certain fascination for our society – especially our modern society. The cloistered lifestyle seems so antiquated – and, well, runs counter to the way the world seems to be unfolding. But even nuns have started to modernize. Take, for example, Sister Julie Vieira (see photo), a nun who admits to slight addiction to coffee, runs and bikes and – gasp! – blogs (her blog is called A Nun’s Life). This was too much even for us! So we decided we needed to speak with Sister Julie immediately so she could fill us in on what it was like to be a nun in the 21^st century. She happily and politely agreed to join us for a quick interview).

DaRK PaRTY: Why did you decide to become a nun?

Sister Julie: The short answer is that I decided to become a nun because I feel most truly myself as a nun. I feel like the possibilities for my life are limitless and that I am free to go wherever God asks me to go. The real story, however, lies not so much in the decision itself but the process of coming to that decision. I never wanted to become a nun. It was a lifestyle that seemed out of touch with reality. My source of information, however, was not real live nuns but a popularized image of nuns that was neither real nor accurate. Who would ever want to become a cartoonish Nunzilla or freakishly joyful Sister Act nun? As I get to know nuns and learn about their life I realized that I was attracted to this way of life. I could see myself as a nun and already I felt that just being with them was helping me be more of myself and a better person. It was like falling in love -- some of it just defies explanation but you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that this is the right thing for you.

DP: What order are you and what are the differences among the many orders of nuns?

Sister Julie: I am a Sister, Servant of the Immaculate Heart of Mary of Monroe, Michigan. We are usually referred to as IHM Sisters. My nuns are related to the IHM Sisters of Scranton and Immaculata, Pennsylvania. We are also related to the Oblate Sisters of Providence in Baltimore, the community from which all three IHM communities emerged. The IHMs were founded in 1845 by Mother Theresa Maxis Duchemin and Father Louis Florent Gillet, a Redemptorist priest.

Every religious community is founded through a unique inspiration of the Holy Spirit to address a particular need in the world or church. Therefore no two communities are exactly alike. We might do the same ministries, wear similar habits, and pray in similar ways … but each charism (that original gift of the Holy Spirit) is unmistakably unique.

One of the main differences in religious life is between active religious communities and contemplative communities. Active religious communities (such as my IHM community) were founded to be present in the world by actively tending to people's needs and working for a world of love, compassion, justice, and peace. Nuns in these communities typically live in the midst of the world and may work in church jobs or in non-church jobs -- wherever they are called to live the Gospel, the good news of Jesus. Contemplative nuns were founded to be a prayerful presence in the world. These nuns minister to the world through prayer and living a more ascetic life. Many of these nuns may be cloistered or live in enclosure which means they are physically separated from the world. Still they are deeply connected with the world because they devote their lives to prayer for the world.

DP: What is a typical day like for you?

Sister Julie: Most days I wake up to the quiet hum of my clock radio at 5:00 a.m. I head directly to the coffee machine. Once the coffee mug is in hand, I settle in for morning prayer. I pray for all of my IHM sisters, the other two communities of IHMs, and the Oblate Sisters of Providence. I pray for my family especially my parents and siblings and their families. I pray for all those people who have asked me to keep them in my prayers. I conclude by praying for all those who do not have someone to pray for them.

After prayer I head to the computer with my trusty mug of coffee. I check my email, write on my blog, and do other computer tasks. If I have time, I might go for a run or engage in some other athletic endeavor. Then it’s off to Loyola Press, my place of ministry. Loyola Press is a nonprofit publisher serving the Catholic community in faith formation, education, and spiritual growth. We were founded by the Jesuits in 1912.

After work I head for home. Unpack, get my mail, visit with my cat Chloe, check in on my IHM Sisters, and do ordinary domestic things. In the evening I read — theological texts, spirituality books, novels, whatever peaks my interest at the moment. I occasionally turn on the TV or listen to NPR. Sometimes I do some writing. I conclude my day with the Examen. I learned this form of prayer from my Jesuit friends when I studied in Toronto. It is a prayerful way to review one's day and get a sense of God’s presence in one's life. Then it’s off to bed!

I have learned from my sisters what it really means to “pray without ceasing” as Saint Paul calls all of us to do in his first letter to the Thessalonians 5:17. We are to make the whole day a prayer — coffee rituals, caring for God’s creatures, working out at the gym, doing our job and chores around the house, sitting around daydreaming — all of these things can be opportunities to open ourselves to God, to experience his love and to radiate this love to others. This is what I strive to do every day of my life.

DP: Where does your faith come from and why are you so sure there's a God?

Sister Julie: My faith comes from God. By myself, I tend to be something of a skeptic about intangible things. I like to research things, test them out, and systematize them. It's very hard to do that with intangible things like faith. I think that is why I studied theology to see how faith "works". While gaining valuable knowledge about God and faith, I somehow managed to embrace faith wholly and unreservedly. I encountered a God who calls me to not just know about God but to be in relationship with God. So in a way my faith comes from God. I nurture that faith by praying, being part of the Catholic community, participating in Mass, ministering to others, caring for God's creation, and reading the scriptures.

My faith was also deeply shaped by my family. I grew up in a Catholic family and loved the rituals and prayers and sacramentality of the Church. These things helped me to develop the habit of finding God in all things.

I'm know that there is a God because I've experienced God. I've seen how God has worked in the world and in my life. I know that some things could just never have come from me. As I mentioned above I'm somewhat of a skeptic and I never wanted to be a nun yet here I am, deeply committed to my faith and a Catholic nun. The crazy thing is that it's the best thing that ever happened to me.

DP: What is the most difficult part about being a nun and what is the most rewarding part?

Sister Julie: The most difficult part about being a nun is that it's a very counter-cultural way of life. It can be difficult to live a life of simplicity and of faith in a culture that is highly materialistic and competitive. That's why living as a member of a community of nuns is so helpful -- sisters support and encourage one another. I could never live as a solo nun because the life of the community is what sustains me and helps me negotiate the tougher parts of being a nun.

The most rewarding part about being a nun is, well, everything. I am so grateful to be able to serve the Church and world in this way. Being a nun is not a job or even a lifestyle. It's more like who I am, just like I am a daughter and a sibling. There's no part of me that is not a nun. I love that I can expect to find God in all of life, even in unseemly situations. I pray that I can bring a little of God's light to others no matter who they are or where they've come from.

Labels: 5 Questions, interview, Julie Vieira, Nuns, Religion

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A Van Halen logo, drawn in permanent black magic marker, adorned my high school locker. My album collection included: Iron Maiden, AC/DC, Judas Priest, and Led Zeppelin. I used to don earphones and sling an air guitar before dinner – sweat pouring off my body as I pounded the invisible guitar strings.

My musical taste (already salivating for change) went through a complete transformation in 1983 during my first month of college. Already I had dabbled with U2 and the Police, but I was skeptical about the overall musical genre that was shaping up to be called “alternative.” I had just read Rolling Stone magazine and article where they announced that “Murmur” by an obscure Southern band called R.E.M. was its album of the year.

My experimental juices were flowing so I head to nearby Burlington, Vermont and the funky record store in the downtown (located in a musty basement).

I was anxious with my purchase as I headed back to my dormitory. After all, I was the guy who wore a Japanese komodo over a tore Van Halen concert t-shirt at the first dorm party. I had a reputation to maintain.

Peeling off the plastic wrapper, I carefully slid out the disc (this was before CDs and MP3s and I miss the sharp celluloid reek of a new album), and placed it ever so gently on my record album. I sat down and listened to the needle bumped and grind its way to the first song.

“Radio Free Europe.”

I’ll never forget the moment. Alone in my new dorm room (with two brand-new bunk beds with desks beneath them), I sat at my desk chair with one foot propped up on the desk. The wood on these mammoth structures was bright blond and still smelled like wood stain. My roommate had placed a St. Pauli Girl poster on the wall and the pig-tailed beauty smiled down at me seemingly nodding in approval to the music on the turntable.

The late afternoon September sun streamed through the already dirty windows and splashed onto my feet. The dormitory was a hive of activity behind the closed door: shouts, doors slamming, toilets flushing, laughter, music, and footfalls in the corridor. All of it blended into the background as I listened to R.E.M.

Here was a cerebral brand of music – quieter, yet with a punchy guitar sound. The lyrics were ethereal and drifted through the songs like a ghostly narrator of human emotions. Melodic and moody, the music struck me as so much more complex than the heavy-metal that defined my high school years. The music made me look at my surroundings and myself differently than I had been only moments before.

I knew I was hooked – and that my experiments with listening to U2 and Police – had finally sunk in. R.E.M. became a defining band for me – and an important one in my personal musical growth. “Murmur” taught me that music could have a gentle side – an intellectual punch – and that singers didn’t have to scream to make a point.

Labels: Music, R.E.M.

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First, they aren’t cool in any sense of the word. Second, there the most overrated, over-hyped, and underwhelming science fiction films ever made. The sins of the George Lucas’ franchise are many:

• The plots are simplistic, bordering on moronic. They are linear affairs with plot twists that fall from the sky with no back story support (“Luke, I am your father”).
• A plethora of unimaginative, two-dimensional stereotypes cast as the main characters. These cliché-ridden characters have been stolen from every arch-type of the silver screen. The worst offender may be “the lone wolf, reluctant hero” Han Solo.
• Clunky, wooden dialogue is embarrassing to watch actors try to bring to life (Amidala: “I’m not going to die in childbirth, Anakin. I promise you.” Anakin: “No! I promise you!”).

The key to making good science fiction movies is to create worlds that the viewer believes in. They need to be rich and detailed, but, most importantly, they need to be populated by engaging and interesting characters.

One of Lucas’ failings as a filmmaker may be his lack of irony. His “Star Wars” clunkers are played too seriously – like penny operas. He should have taken some lessons from directors John Carpenter (“Escape from New York”) and Paul Verhoeven (“Robocop”) on how to infuse humor into a film.

“Stars Wars” also suffer from predictable action scenes. The shoot-out with the Stormtroopers in the first movie plays out like a backyard cowboys and Indians game between 10-year-olds. Lucas could learn a lot about action by watching Ridley Scott (“Aliens”) and the Wachowski Brothers (“The Matrix”) how excel at breathtaking (and chilling) action.

So forget the drab “Star Wars” films and move on to science fiction that does it right. DaRK PaRTY presents our “8 Coolest Science Fiction Movies of All-Time”:

Dark City (1998)

John Murdoch awakens up in a strange hotel room, sprawled out in a porcelain bathtub. A ceiling light swings above him casting flickering shadows on the bleak walls. There is blood and he is panicked. He learns that he is the primary suspect in a series of bizarre serial murders. In the course of his investigation, he uncovers a world controlled by a group called The Strangers, who alter the reality of the world every night. And they are coming for him. “Dark City” is one of the most original and surreal masterpieces of science fiction that it almost deserves its own category. Yes, the movie is this good. You won’t be able to tear your eyeballs from the screen as this dark, nightmarish mystery of John Murdoch and the aliens begins to unfold.

The Matrix (1999)

The first 10 minutes of “The Matrix” is breathtaking in its pageantry of violent action. It’s like a ballet. The film is about Neo, a milquetoast computer programmer by day and a rebellious hacker by night, who finds himself seduced by a group of underground hackers wanted by the government. He thinks he’s joining the movement, but finds out that the world isn’t what he thinks it is. “The Matrix” changed science fiction movies (and action movies) forever. It also features Keanu Reeves in perhaps his only non-annoying role. The movie is fresh, fast, furious, and contains one of the most delightful twists you could ever hope for (check out the lobby shoot-out in the video above).

Aliens (1986)

“Aliens” is the sequel to “Alien,” but the movies barely resemble each other. “Alien” is a haunted house, horror movie set on a spaceship. “Aliens” is a pure action driven science fiction – that is extremely scary. It’s like a video game unleashed on the big screen and it will leave you drained. The last half of “Aliens” is intense and not for the squeamish or the easily startled. But if you like your action fast and don’t mind watching 9-foot aliens attacking out of the shadows every few minutes then you’re in for a thrill ride.

The Road Warrior (1981)

“Mad Max 2” takes place in the distant future where men live in roving bands scavenging off the refuse of civilization and how each other. Cars and motorcycles are the modes of transportation and the new gold is gasoline. Mad Max, a former police officer, happens upon an outpost under siege by an army of rebels looking to steal the gas they are pumping from their refinery. Max doesn’t want to help them – he just wants their fuel. But after nearly losing his life to the mutants, he strikes a deal with the outpost to help save their lives. This is the movie that made Mel Gibson – and he plays the quietly seething Max to perfection. “The Road Warrior” has become a cult hit and redefined the movie car chase – and the post apocalyptic science fiction movie. A must see.

Planet of the Apes (1968)

“Planet of the Apes” is the grandfather of the modern science fiction movie. The plot is simple: an astronaut crash lands on an unknown world that is controlled by intelligent apes. Men are like rats – simply pests that destroy crops and need to be thinned. The astronaut is wounded in the neck and captured. He tries to prove he is intelligent, but is ignored by all except for two scientists. The movie may have one of the best surprise endings of any science fiction movie (see video below). And it features Charlton Heston at his noble best – a cross between Spartacus and Moses. “Planet of the Apes” has become a cult classic (and spawned too many bad sequels), but it remains one of the coolest films in any genre.

The Terminator (1984)

At its core, “The Terminator” is a time travel movie – but it also has elements of horror, action, and mystery movies thrown in. It’s also the first movie where Arnold Schwarzenegger utters his famous “I’ll be back” line. The film is about a soldier sent back in time from 2029 to save the life of his general’s mother (who is going to be executed by a cyborg). The soldier lives in a future where machines have taken over the world and human are rebelling to get their world back. The goal of the cyborg and his machine masters is to kill the woman who gave birth to their biggest enemy. Schwarzenegger has had a long acting career, but the terminator remains his best role.

Escape from New York (1981)

Director John Carpenter has a perchance for disappointing movies. “Escape from New York” isn’t one of them. In fact, it’s his best movie. The movie takes place in the distant future, amen, 1997 (can you even remember that far back?). It’s a time when the world has fallen to pieces and New York has been abandoned and turned into a walled maximum security prison. The U.S. president’s plane crash lands inside and the government needs someone to go in and rescue him. Enter Snake Plissken (played by Kurt Russell), a hardened criminal. They give him 24 hours to go inside and get the president. What follows in a thrill ride of a movie with tongue mostly planted firmly in cheek.

Robocop (1987)

“Robocop” is the most sarcastic and satirical science fiction movie made in the last 30 years. It skewers modern society (our materialism, our media, and our corporate culture). Yet it plays like an action movie on steroids as well. Director Paul Verhoeven dances this tricky line perfectly and makes a movie that was ahead of its time. He brilliantly cast Peter Weller in the role of Robocop – a half human, half machine police officer. Weller is able make the character more human than most of the human actors playing along side of him. A masterpiece of science fiction.

Labels: Movies, Science Fiction

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I went back to sleep.

Later, in the gray light of morning, I stared out at the first snow of the season. A wet quilt of heavy snow buried the still orange leaves scattered across my back patio; the branches that dropped during a wind storm over the weekend poke up through the snow like thin exclamation points on the weather.

I bundled into my coat, gloves, and hat and trudged into the bitter cold. I pulled a shovel out of my garage and proceeded to dig out of the two inches of frozen gruel.

What a way to start a Monday. I started with the front walk and then the sidewalk. I moved to the backdoor clearing a path to the driveway. Then I put my back into it and the main event.

Rain dribbled from the soupy sky. The morning moved on and I knew I would be late for work. Sweat mixed with the cold rain on my forehead and my muscles in my back and shoulders began to ache.

I felt impatient. Looming in the back of my mind came memories of Robert Frost’s poem “Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening.” This beautiful, pensive poem is about the dark of winter and how it brings us closer to our own mortality.

I rested and leaned on the handle of my shovel.

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

My mood had changed and I finished my chore.

Carl Sandburg and Poetry and a Roof

Labels: Poetry, Robert Frost, Snow, Winter

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