Part 3

The world closed in on Amber. Her knees felt weak and she grabbed the banister to prevent herself from falling down the stairs. Someone was inside the house. Someone had the children.

“Amber!” a faint voice called.

She gripped the kitchen knife tighter and with a deep breath headed down the stairs. Halfway down there was a giggle. Joey? Was that little Joey? She froze.
A small figure darted across her line of vision. She caught a glimpse of blond hair and small feet in booted pajamas. More giggles.

“Joey!” she shouted.

And a moment later, the sheepish face of six-year-old Joey Curtain peeked around the entrance to the living room.

“Did we scare you?” Joey asked.

Amber’s face flustered. She wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him, but when the fear suddenly lifted, all she could do was grin. Grin like an idiot.
She trotted the rest of the way down the stairs, casually hiding the butcher knife behind her back.

“You’re supposed to be in bed,” she said. “Where is your sister?”

“Hiding.”

“Hiding? From what?”

“From this.”

Joey stuck a steak knife into her thigh. The blade nicked her bone and she staggered back, blood splashing on the carpet. She thought: Mr. and Mrs. Curtain are going to kill me for this mess. Joey tried to tear the knife free and she shoved him. The little boy went flying and bumped his head against the wall.

Knife protruding from her thigh, she limped across the foyer and into the hallway leading to the front door. Joey screamed behind her and she heard his padded feet coming for her. He was crazy!

The pain in her thigh was intense. Blood covered her lower leg and she left a thick trail of gore behind her. She sobbed, reaching for the door, just as Joey’s hands grabbed the back of her blouse. She swapped back and her fist caught him in the temple. He cried out and fell on his back.

The door opened and a laughing Mr. and Mrs. Curtain stepped into the house. Their cheeks were flush from alcohol and good humor. A shawl was draped across Mrs. Curtain’s shoulders.

“Thank God!” Amber shouted.

“Amber!” Mrs. Curtain cried. “Amber, what is it?”

Amber sobbed again and pointed at Joey. The little boy was seated on the floor, cross-legged, rubbing the top of his head and wailing. Snot and tears glistened on his cheeks and chin.

“What have you done?” Mrs. Curtain said, rushing to her son, kneeling down next to him.

“My God,” Mr. Curtain said, staring at the blade buried deeply in Amber’s thigh. “She’s bleeding.”

“Joanie!” Mrs. Curtain shouted. “Joanie!”

The little girl appeared down the hall. A look of terror etched on her features.

“Damn it, Joey!” Mr. Curtain screamed, pushing Amber’s groping hands away from him. “How many times do I have to tell you!” He whirled and plunged a compact hunting knife into Amber’s belly. Blood exploded onto the floor. “Always kill with the first blow!”

Then he ripped the blade upward, cleaving Amber open from belly button to rib cage. Intestines and part of Amber’s stomach tumbled to the floor with a sickening plop. Amber’s eyes widened with horror and she collapsed – dead.

“Oh, honey,” Mrs. Curtain said. “The floor! I just polished the floor yesterday!”

“Sorry, dear.” He kicked Amber with the toe of his shoe and glared at his son, who was sniffling. “Didn’t we tell you not to kill this one? Christ, in the house!”

Joey hesitated and then nodded.

“Goddamn it, Joey, now I got to dump this one, too. Didn’t we tell you we had a wait at least month or two after Marybeth Kincaid? What am I going to tell her parents. Shit!”

“Honey,” Mrs. Curtain said. “Watch you tongue around the children! We’ll sort this out in the morning. Now come on, let’s all go to bed.”

“What about this?” Mr. Curtain said, gesturing at Amber’s body.

“Oh, we’ll clean it up later.”

And then the Curtain family headed upstairs and went to bed.

THE END (or is it!)

Labels: Fiction, Horror, The Babysitter

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Labels: Fiction, Horror, The Babysitter

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Labels: Fiction, Horror, The Babysitter

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“In the world of mystery fiction, Mr. Hillerman was that rare figure: a best-selling author who was adored by fans, admired by fellow authors and respected by critics. Though the themes of his books were not overtly political, he wrote with an avowed purpose: to instill in his readers a respect for Native American culture.”

Labels: Fiction, mysteries, Tony Hillerman, Writing

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W.W. Jacobs' "The Monkey's Paw" Continues to Terrorize 106 Years Later

“The Monkey’s Paw” was written by a humorist who enjoyed writing about adventures on the high seas. Yet W.W. Jacobs is best remembered for giving the world one of the most terrifying short stories in literature.

The story is a chilling morality play about the dangers of tempting fate. The lesson is simple: Be careful what you wish for.

The story, written in 1902, opens on a cold, damp night in an English village on the edge of a moor. A strong wind is buffeting the house, but within the closed quarters a family of three (father, mother, and grown son) huddle near the parlor fire. Father and son play chess while the woman knits.

The father, Mr. White, is a noisy, emotional man. He is the odd man out in the family. Mrs. White is a devoted and doting mother to her son, Herbert. Mother and son have a humorous rapport and often gently tease Mr. White.

One of the most effective devices in the story is the use of the setting. The house and the outlying country become an integral part of the story, especially in setting the dark tone. Here’s how Mr. White describes his home:

“'That’s the worst of living so far out,” bawled Mr. White, with sudden and unlooked-for violence; “of all the beastly, slushy, out-of-the-way places to live in, this is the worst. Pathway’s a bog, and the road’s a torrent. I don’t know what people are thinking about. I suppose because only two houses on the road are let, they think it doesn’t matter.'”

On this bleak night, Sergeant Major Morris, a long-time family friend pays a visit. Morris, a British officer, has returned from a long engagement in India. They drink around the fire and listen to Morris tell tales about his Asian adventures.

Drunk on whiskey, Morris is goaded into telling the family the story of the monkey’s paw. He is reluctant, but his will power has been weakened by the liquor, and once he opens up the story pours out of him faster than the whiskey poured in.

“’It had a spell put on it by an old fakir,’ said the sergeant major, ‘a very holy man. He wanted to show that fate ruled people’s lives, and that those who interfered with it did so to their sorrow. He put a spell on it so that three separate men could each have three wishes from it.’

His manner was so impressive that his hearers were conscious that their light laughter jarred somewhat.

‘Well, why don’t you have three, sir?’ said Herbert White cleverly.

The soldier regarded him in the way that middle age is wont to regard presumptuous youth. ‘I have,’ he said quietly, and his blotchy face whitened.”

And then the old soldier tells them that he has no idea what the first man did with his first two wishes – but the third wish was for death. He tries to destroy the paw by tossing it into the fire, but Mr. White quickly retrieves it. Before he leaves, Morris cautions the old man to make his wishes wisely.

Before the night is out, Mr. White, on a dare from his son, wishes for 200 pounds. The paw twist grotesquely in his hand and in revulsion Mr. White tosses it aside. No one much believes anything will happen.

But the next morning, after Herbert has gone to work, a strange man appears the door with terrible news. There son has been caught in machinery at the factory and has been killed. The stranger, a mill representative, tells them they will be compensated.

Mr. White dropped his wife’s hand, and rising to his feet, gazed with a look of horror at his visitor. His dry lips shaped the words, “How much?”

“Two hundred pounds,” was the answer.

Unconscious of his wife’s shriek, the old man smiled faintly, put out his hands like a sightless man, and dropped, a senseless heap, to the floor.

The Whites fall into a state of mourning, especially Mrs. White, the devoted mother. And then one night, two weeks later, she remembers the monkey’s paw and orders her husband to wish for their son to be alive. Reluctantly, Mr. White does.

Then in the dead of night, there is a knock at the door and then a pounding. Mr. White picturing the shambling animated corpse of his son hurries to find the monkey’s paw while he wife struggles to open the locks on the front door.

Mr. White makes a last wish – the door swings wide: to an empty yard. His wife’s desperate scream pierces the night.

The lingering terror of “The Monkey’s Paw” is that we have no idea what the last wish was. Clearly, Mr. White wished for his son to be gone – at least that’s what it appears he wished for. But we don’t know for certain. And even more chilling – what will be the consequence of the last wish?

The Greatest Movie Serial Killers of All Time

The Sexiest Song Ever Recorded

The Full Text of "The Monkey's Paw"

See an updated version of "The Monkey's Paw" on YouTube

Labels: Horror, literary criticism, literature, W.W. Jacobs

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• David Wellington may be one of the most prolific horror writers in the business these days (we interviewed him about horror fiction not long ago). He's fearless when it comes to using the Web as a channel for him. He's one of the few authors that you really believe doesn't care about publishing books -- he just wants to tell scary stories. How's that for refreshing? He loves serialization (hello, Dickens) and one of his most ambitious novels is called Frostbite -- a horror story about werewolves in the Arctic Circle. If you like horror -- you really can't go wrong.

• Raych over at Books I Done Read gets a little too sexual with her copy of Nick Hornby's completely overrated "About a Boy."

• Emma Larkins wants to be a published writer -- and she started an interested blog about the difficulty emerging writers have in, well, getting published. She has writing tips, interviews, and thoughtful analysis of the writing business through the eyes of a novice. The blog his called (drumroll please) Emerging Emma.

• The always amusing Flickhead is one an Angelina Jolie kick -- and, really, who can blame him?

• Over at Tomb It May Concern, they dug up a really cool looking house ad for Marvel Comics that features a retro Spidey, Ironman, Thor, and Human Torch (remember when Human Torch was one of the most popular Marvel superheroes? Wasn't that back in the 70s?).

• Remember: When you need a laugh head over to Pop Sensation. It's a freakin' howl.

• The Toasted Scrimtar wonders why there is a lack of yodelers in Fantasy Fiction? With all the damn bards and singers - you'd think there would be at least one yodeler. Alas!

• When the Dead Walk the Earth writes about the guilty pleasure of watching cheesy horror movies in his youth -- and give a great remove of the B-movie classic "The Rats" as well.

• Speaking of cheesy horror movies -- why haven't you entered our "easy as pie" contest to win 50 Horror Movie Classics?

• The Sunset Gun has one of the best tributes to Paul Newman that I've read. I wanted to write a blog post about Newman -- but I just couldn't find the words. Sunset Gun didn't have that problem.

• Lone Justice was one of our favorite bands from the 1980s -- and "Shelter" is their best song.

• Cracked Magazine -- a staple from my childhood -- has a fantastic parody of Halloween -- with a look at Michael Myers in the deleted scenes of the classic horror movie. Laugh out loud funny.

Labels: Dark Party, Magical Mystery Tour

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The U.S. is obsessed with serial killers. We read about them, we develop TV shows about them. And we make movies about them. Here is our list of the greatest (most popular and well-known) cinematic slashers of all time.

Freddy Krueger

The Child Molester and Dream Demon

First Appearance: Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

No. of Film Appearances: 8

Created By: Wes Craven

Actor: Robert Englund

Description: Freddy’s face is a mutilated, fire ravaged visage covered by smooth, bumpy scars. His teeth are rotting and jagged. He’s fond of wearing a dark fedora and a red-and-black striped shirt. He rarely goes anywhere without his clawed glove.

Backstory: Freddy’s mother was a nun who was tortured and raped by more than 100 pyschos while she was trapped in a prison for the criminally insane. His mother nearly died in childbirth and Freddy found a home with a violent alcoholic who abused him both physically and mentally. Freddy later murdered his adoptive father. Freddy grew up, got married, and fathered a daughter. He worked at a power plant and developed a fondness for kidnapping and murdering children. The police called him the Springwood Slasher. After Freddy was captured, law enforcement bungling forced them to release him. The parents of Freddy’s victims hunted him down and burned him to death. But before death took him, Freddy was approached by three evil dream demons who gave him the power to turn dreams into reality. Now Freddy returns to hunt victims in the night.

Method of Murder: Freddy wears a metallic glove with razor sharp claws at the end. He likes to torture his teenage victims, by manipulating their dreams. He generally kills them while they sleep – the wounds materializing in real-life after he slays them in slumber land.

Killer Quote: “One, two, Freddy's coming for you/ Three, four, better lock your door/ Five, six, grab your crucifix/ Seven, eight, gonna stay up late/ Nine, ten, never sleep again.”

Random Pop Reference: Freddy has appeared in three episodes of “The Simpsons” Halloween specials.

Honors: AFI ranked Freddy number 40 on its list of greatest Heroes and Villains list.

Jason Voorhees

The Hockey Mask and Machette-welding Mass Murderer

First Appearance: Friday the 13^th (1980)

No. of Film Appearances: 12

Created By: Victor Miller, Ron Kurtz, Sean S. Cunningham, Tom Savini

Actors: Many actors have portrayed Jason including Ari Lehman, Warrington Gillette, Steve Daskewisz, Richard Booker, Ted White, Tom Morga, C.J. Graham, Dan Bradley, Kane Hodder, and Ken Kirzinger

Description: A gigantic, mammoth man with a distorted, ugly face usually clad tattered dark clothes. Jason rarely speaks. He wears an old 1950s style Detroit Red Wings goalie mask and carries a machete.

Backstory: Jason was not the primary killer in the first “Friday the 13^th” movie – his mother was. Jason was the motivation behind her murders – because he died from a drowning while camp counselors at Camp Crystal Lake fooled around. Jason – the mass murdering adult – didn’t come until the 1981 sequel. Not much is known about Jason. He was a mentally challenged child who grew up with an abusive mother. Creators re-engineered his drowning so that he didn’t die, just washed up on shore and lived in the forest. It is speculated that he continues to kill to please his dead mother. His creators have called him a “psycho-savant” with a high tolerance for pain.

Method of Murder: Jason is quite fond of using sharp object to poke, dismember, and slaughter his victims. That’s why he really enjoys using his rusty, blood-splattered machete.

Killer Quote: “He (Jason) doesn't have any personality. He's like a great white shark. You can't really defeat him. All you can hope for is to survive.”

Random Pop Reference: Jason has become a cultural icon – from comic books to parodies to appearances in pop songs. Musicians from Alice Cooper to Tupac Shakur have sang about him.

Honors: Jason received a lifetime achievement award from MTV in 1992 – one of only three fictional characters to ever get the award.

Michael Myers

The Supernatural Babysitter Butcher of Illinois

First Appearance: Halloween (1978)

No. of Film Appearances: 9

Created By: John Carpenter and Debra Hill

Actors: Many actors have played Michael including Nick Castle, Tony Moran, Will Sandin, Dick Warlock, George P. Wilbur, Don Shanks, Chris Durand, Brad Loree, Tyler Mane, and Daeg Faerch

Description: A hulking man in soiled gray overalls wearing a rubber William Shatner mask backwards and often carrying a butcher knife. He is obsessed with teenage girls and often follows them around before murdering them and their friends.

Backstory: The character, according to creator John Carpenter, was based on Yul Brenner’s killer robot in the film “Westword.” At six years old, Michael murders his sister with a butcher knife on Halloween night. The boy was sent to a hospital for the criminally insane. He escapes as an adult and returns to his hometown of Haddonfield, Illinois to continue murdering teenagers. It is likely that Michael is supernatural or possessed by some supernatural evil spirit – because he cannot be killed (by bullets, knifes, etc.).

Method of Murder: Michael enjoys killing with knives – but he’s very resourceful when he needs to be.

Killer Quote: “(I wanted to) raise this Michael Myers character up to a mythic status; make him human, yes, but almost like a force. A force that will never stop, that can't be denied."

Random Pop Reference: Michael made his debut in video games in a 1983 Halloween game released by Atari. He’s been the subject of novels, comic books, toys, dolls, etc. Another icon of the horror movie slasher genre.

Honors: The Halloween series has grossed more than $328 million worldwide.

Leatherface

Got Chainsaw?

First Appearance: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

No. of Film Appearances: 6

Created By: Tobe Hooper

Actors: Leatherface has been portrayed by actors Gunnar Hansen, Bill Johnson, R.A. Mihailoff, Robert Jacks, and Andrew Bryniarski

Description: A big, chubby man who is mentally retarded. He wears old clothes and likes to stalk around wearing the peeled off facial skin of his victims. He enjoys lugging around a gas-powered chainsaw.

Backstory: Leatherface’s real name is Bubba Sawyer. He is one of four brothers who live with their grandparents and great-grandmother in an old house in Texas. The family members are cannibals – and Leatherface the primary cook. In the new series of movies, Leatherface’s real name is Thomas Brown Hewitt. His mother dies in childbirth and he is tossed in a Dumpster where a woman finds him and takes him home. The creators noted he’s treated more like a pet than a son.

Method of Murder: Leatherface uses a chainsaw to dismember his victims and then carves up the meat for storage in a meat locker – so his family can dine on the remains later. He’s also been known to use a sledgehammer.

Killer Quote: “Leatherface is completely under the control of his family. He'll do whatever they tell him to do. He's a little bit afraid of them.”

Random Pop Reference: Leatherface has been the main character is a series by Wildstorm Comics.

Hannibal Lecter

Psychiatrist and Cannibalistic Serial Murderer

First Appearance: Manhunter (1986)

No. of Film Appearances: 5

Created By: Thomas Harris

Actors: Brian Cox, Anthony Hopkins, Gaspard Ulliel and Aaran Thomas

Description: A short, thin man with great physical strength for his size. He has a sixth digit on his left hand (two middle fingers). He had wispy black hair which he slicks back over his head and small than average teeth. He also has a calm, creepy demeanor and an uncomfortable stare. He’s extremely sophisticated and quite an elegant talker.

Backstory: Lecter is the son of Lithuanian aristocrats and is orphaned with his sister during World War II. The siblings are captured by Nazis – who murder his sister and eat her – in front of him. Later escaping, Lecter is raised in an orphanage until adopted by his uncle. He has an affair with his uncle’s wife after his death. His obsession with catching his sister’s killers overcomes him and hunts down, kills, and eats each of them. He is a brilliant man and graduated from the John Hopkins Medical Center to become a world renowned psychiatrist. He continues to kill – mostly patients and those connected to his patients until he is arrested by the FBI and imprisoned.

Method of Murder: He murders in various methods, but usually eats his victims by cooking them up gourmet style.

Killer Quote: “(Lecter) is standing at rest - like a savage animal confident of the brutality coiled up inside him. His speaking voice has the precision of a man so arrogant he can barely be bothered to address the sloppy intelligence of the ordinary person.”

Random Pop Reference: Lecter has been parodied on “South Park” and in the movie “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.”

Honors: “Silence of the Lambs” won the Oscar for best movie in 1991.

Jigsaw

Want to Play a Game?

First Appearance: Saw (2004)

No. of Film Appearances: 5

Created By: James Wan and Leigh Whannell

Actor: Tobin Bell

Description: A balding middle aged man with a hang-dog, expressionless face. He is paunchy and average sized, but very cunning, patient, and willing to do what it takes to succeed.

Backstory: Jigsaw is Jonathan Kramer, a civil engineer who is dying from an inoperable frontal lobe tumor as a result of colon cancer. He is divorced from his wife, a drug counselor, after their unborn child dies in an attack by one of his wife’s patients. The event makes Jigsaw angry and detached. Once he learns of his cancer, Jigsaw devises intricate traps and places flawed people into them in order for them to see the error of their ways. Those who survive, Jigsaw believes, will be better people. Oddly, Jigsaw doesn’t see himself as a murderer, but someone who helps people. He wants his surviving victims to appreciate their lives.

Method of Murder: Jigsaw sets up deadly traps to see how far his victims will go in saving their own lives. If they die he cuts a jigsaw puzzle shaped section of their flesh – as a symbol that they where missing a part of themselves needed to survive the traps.

Killer Quote: "He's not Jason or Freddy. He's not even Hannibal Lecter. He's a person with extreme beliefs and he really thinks he's making a difference. He's a vigilante if anything. He thinks he's making a difference."

Random Pop Reference: Jigsaw action figures are now available.

Honors: The Saw movie series has earned more than $555 million worldwide.

Patrick Bateman

The Boy Next Door

First Appearance: American Pyscho (2000)

No. of Film Appearances: 3

Created By: Bret Easton Ellis

Actors: Christian Bale, Dechen Thurman, and Michael Krembo

Description: A sophisticated, well-educated young investment banker. He’s handsome, but intense and very competitive. He’s fond of wearing expensive designer clothing – especially suits. He is arrogant and seems full of self loathing.

Backstory: Bateman is the oldest son of wealthy Long Island parents. His parents are divorced and his mother lives in a sanatorium. Bateman attended Phillips Exeter Academy, Harvard University, and Harvard Business School. He lives in Manhattan on the Upper Wide Side and works in investment banking. He’s the ultimate yuppie, except that Bateman leads a double life and enjoys murdering people in a variety of ways – including torture and cannibalism.

Method of Murder: Various – but he likes to torture or have sexual liaisons with his victims before killing them.

Killer Quote: "I like to dissect girls; do you know I'm utterly insane?"

Random Pop Reference: In the Showtime serial killer series “Dexter,” the main character uses Patrick Bateman as an alias.

Honors: “American Psycho” has become a cult hit.

Chucky

This Doll is Your Worst Nightmare

First Appearance: Child’s Play (1988)

No. of Film Appearances: 5

Created By: Don Mancini, John Lafia, and Tom Holland

Actor: Voiced by Brad Dourif

Description: A two-foot tall plastic “Good Guy” doll. The doll has red hair and big, blue eyes and wears cute overalls.

Backstory: A serial killer called the Lakeshore Strangler is shot by police. The mortally wounded killer, Charles Lee Ray, breaks into a toy store and falls on top of pile of “Good Guy” dolls. Just before he dies, he chants a voodoo spell to place his soul into one of the dolls. The toy store burns to the ground, but the doll lives.

Method of Murder: Chucky kills with various methods, but generally like to use hammers, knives, and hatchets to do away with his victims.

Killer Quote: “This is certainly not "Pinocchio" or "Babes in Toyland," and it may not do much for the sale of large boy dolls between now and Christmas.”

Random Pop Reference: Chucky was parodied on “Robot Chicken,” and voiced by Mark Hamill.

Honors: The Child Play series has gross more than $175 million worldwide.

7 Obscure Serial Killer Flicks Worth a Look

Halloween: 30 Years Later

10 Bizarre Serial Killers in History

Labels: Freddy Krueger, Friday the 13th, Halloween, Horror, Movies, Serial Killers, Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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(If you’re a fan of crime fiction and haven’t read Ed Gorman – well shame on you. Ed has been penning some incredible fiction (crime noir, mysteries, and westerns) since the early 1980s – when skinny ties and parachute pants were in style (although we have a difficult time picturing Ed wearing either). His book “The Poker Club” (1990) has been made into a film – which should hit theaters in 2009. Ed, a former advertising executive, has written more than 40 books and writes a prolific blog on pulp fiction that is a must-read. Ed was kind enough to stop writing about murders, shoot-outs, and dead bodies in order to answer some questions for us.)

DaRK PaRTY: What have been the biggest changes in crime fiction since you first started publishing in the 1980s?

Ed: I'm no expert but I'd say that the Eighties and Nineties saw the long overdue recognition of female writers in all sub-genres from the private-eye as with Muller, Grafton, Paretsky and the more serious kind of cozy-traditional with Nancy Pickard and Carolyn Hart.

In this new century noir and hard-boiled, by men and women alike, have found new popularity and new respectability. This is seen across the board in popular culture.

To me this is the true Golden Age of crime fiction. There are so many good writers-and more coming along every week-that it is impossible to keep up. And that's a nice problem to have.

DP: What are the elements of a good crime story that most novice writers get wrong?

Ed: I'm not smart enough to answer that. What I look for in a good story of any kind is intelligent entertainment, as the late science fiction writer Algis Budrys used to say. To me this means a strong storyline and characters, whether they're good or bad, I can believe in. Style and theme matter of course, too, but if I don't buy the story or the characters I probably won't finish the book.

DP: You have featured many series characters in your fiction-- from Jack Dwyer to Robert Payne. Which one of your characters do you like the best and why? Which one did you struggle with the most?

Ed: My most difficult series character was my latest one, Dev Conrad, the political operative. I wrote several chapters before he sounded right to me. Then I pitched them and started over. To make “Sleeping Dogs” work he had to be cynical without being nihilistic. The corrupt political system is the only one we've got and it's unlikely it's going to change. So Dev has to be able to see the slime for what it is but work for his ideals anyway. I'm not much for protagonists who don't look at life realistically--or, on the other extreme, nihilism can get really boring. Even the darkest of writers such as the brilliant Derek Raymond forego absolute nihilism most of the time.

DP: What crime writers have been your biggest influences and why?

Ed: So many writers I couldn't possibly list them. I do tend to absorb the styles of other people but somehow most of the time my stories come out pretty much me. Probably my biggest single influence, and oddly enough more in his non-87th novels, is Evan Hunter-Ed McBain.

DP: What Ed Gorman novel would you recommend to a reader who has never read you before? And why would you recommend it?

Ed: I'd say “Blood Moon.” It's one of my more ambitious books. John D. MacDonald used to rank his books by per-centages-a novel of his was 80 percent successful or sixty per cent successful. That was the measure he used to see how close it came to doing what he'd set out to accomplish. “Blood Moon” is one of those books that almost never makes me wince when I thumb through it, which I had to do when it was optioned for a movie a few years back. There are some of my books of course that make me wish one of those alien spaceships would sweep down and take me to a galaxy far, far away.

An Interview with Crime Writer Ken Bruen

An Interview with "The Good Thief" Author Hannah Tinti

10 Things John Wayne Would Never Do

Labels: 5 Questions, Crimes, Ed Gorman, interview

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Thanks to everyone who entered. These three winners will soon be receiving the 12 DVD set “Horror Classics” featuring 50 of the best classic horror movies of all time:

• Lee Windener of Portland, OR -- favorite horror flick: "Bride of Frankenstein"
• Keith Rawsom of Gilbert, AZ -- favorite horror flick: "Texas Chainsaw Massacre"
• Tim Ahern of Winslow, ME -- favorite horror flick: "Saw"

Stay tuned to more contests and giveaways at your favorite place for literate blather the DaRK PaRTY ReVIEW

Labels: Contest, Dark Party, Halloween, Horror

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10 Movies About the Apocalypse

“There is a rumor that they are evacuating Moscow. There are people even leaving Kansas City because of the missile base. Now I ask you: To where does one go from Kansas City? The Yukon? Tahiti? We are not talking about Hiroshima anymore. Hiroshima was... was peanuts!”

That’s a quote from the doomsday movie “The Day After,” which aired on ABC-TV in 1983 and scared the shit out of, well, everybody. ABC set up 1-800 hotlines the day of the broadcast so distressed viewers could talk to a counselor.

Maybe CNN should consider the same tactics for its coverage of the financial meltdown.

As we prepared for the end of the world as we know it, DaRK PaRTY gives you our favorite post-apocalyptic movies:

12 Monkeys

Year: 1995

Director: Terry Gilliam

Starring: Bruce Willis, Madeleine Stowe, Brad Pitt, Jon Seda

Plot in a Nutshell: A convict from the future is sent back in time to try and gather information about a plague that has killed off most of the human race. He’s sent to a mental institution after he discovers that he’s been sent too far back. He discovers a group of radicals called “12 Monkeys” who are responsible and tries to stop them.

Best Quote: “You are a total nutcase, completely deranged, delusional, paranoid. Your thought process is all fucked up. Your information train is jammed, man!”

How the World Ends: A lethal virus spreads across the planet and kills five billion people. The survivors are forced to live underground.

Best Part of the Movie: The performance of Brad Pitt as Jeffry Goines, the deranged, machine-gun talking radical (see video below).

Cool Factoid: Terry Gilliam wanted Jeff Bridges for the lead, but the studio made him get a bigger star. He chose Willis because he thought he showed a sensitive side in the movie “Die Hard.”

Planet of the Apes

Year: 1968

Director: Franklin J. Schaffner

Starring: Charlton Heston, Roddy McDowall, Kim Hunter, Maurice Evans

Plot in a Nutshell: An astronaut crash lands on a planet where the humans are dumb beasts and ape and gorillas have evolved into the dominate species. The astronaut tries to escape the planet, but learns he is really Earth in the distant future.

Best Quote: “It's a mad house. A mad house.”

How the World Ends: Human beings blew up the world with nuclear weapons.

Best Part of the Movie: Charlton Heston’s over-the-top performance as George Taylor. It’s classic Heston.

Cool Factoid: The movie was an adaptation of a novel by Pierre Boulle. In the novel, the apes are advanced and live in cities and have modern machines of the 20^th century. But the movie made the apes less advanced because of budget reasons.

Strange Days

Year: 1995

Director: Kathryn Bigelow

Starring: Ralph Fiennes, Angela Bassett, Juliette Lewis, Tom Sizemore, Vincent D’Onofrio

Plot in a Nutshell: An ex-cop sells dreams to people on disc – taken straight from the cerebral cortex. One day, he discovers a disc from a murderer who killed a prostitute and begins an investigation that goes very wrong.

Best Quote: “Look everyone needs to take a walk to the dark end of the street sometimes, it's what we are.”

How the World Ends: The world hasn’t ended per se, but its spiraled into chaos with gangs ruling the streets and the rich are protected with bodyguards from the population – who likes to jack in and get high off of other people’s experiences.

Best Part of the Movie: The music

Cool Factoid: The movie is named after the Doors album of the same name and a cover version of the song opens the film.

Waterworld

Year: 1995

Director: Kevin Reynolds

Starring: Kevin Costner, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Jack Black, Dennis Hopper

Plot in a Nutshell: A drifter gets involved with a woman and her child and protects them from a gang of criminals.

Best Quote: “Dry land is not just our destination, it is our destiny!”

How the World Ends: The polar ice caps have melted and the world is completely flooded by ocean water. People live on boats and rafts and in floating villages.

Best Part of the Movie: Kevin Costner’s understated performance as the Mariner. This movie is unfairly maligned and, other than the terrible acting job by Dennis Hopper, is an above average sci-fi flick.

Cool Factoid: The ship that Dennis Hopper and the bad guys live on is the Exxox Valdez, the oil tankers than spilled millions of gallons of crude oil off the coast of Alaska.

Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome

Year: 1985

Director: George Miller and George Ogilvie

Starring: Mel Gibson, Tina Turner, Bruce Spence

Plot in a Nutshell: With all of his possessions stolen, Mad Max ends up in Bartertown, a village on the outskirts of a desert. He gets involved in a power struggle in the city before helping a group of lost children who were the survivors of a plane crash.

Best Quote: “Two men enter, one man leave!”

How the World Ends: Nuclear war

Best Part of the Movie: Tina Turner’s amazing performance as Auntie Entity – the leader of Bartertown and the battle between Blaster and Max (see video above).

Cool Factoid: When Max is introduced to the crowd when he’s going to fight Master Blaster in Thunderdome, Dr. Dealgood calls him “The Man with No Name” – a reference to the Clint Eastwood characters in Sergio Leone’s spaghetti westerns.

I am Legend

Year: 2007

Director: Francis Lawrence

Starring: Will Smith, Alice Braga, Willow Smith, James Michael McCauley

Plot in a Nutshell: The lone survivor of a world epidemic tries to live his life in a deserted city – but he is hounded by the dead victims of the plague who have been transformed into vampires.

Best Quote: “I can help. I can save you. I can save everybody.”

How the World Ends: A cancer prevention drug has deadly side effects and turns people into blood-sucking vampires. The epidemic spreads and kills nearly everyone on earth.

Best Part of the Movie: The setting in a deserted New York, crumbling under the weight of Nature returning. The scene were Will Smith hunts a herd of deer is special effects at its best.

Cool Factoid: The artwork in Will Smith’s residence belong to the Museum of Modern Art in New York.

Children of Men

Year: 2006

Director: Alfonso Cuaron

Starring: Clive Owen, Michael Caine, Julianne Moore, Charlie Hunnam, Michael Klesic

Plot in a Nutshell: An ex-bureaucrat living in 2027 helps a group of radicals who have discovered the earth’s first pregnant woman in the last 18 years. They try and get her to safety through a war-torn London on the brink of civil collapse.

Best Quote: “Everything is a mythical, cosmic battle between faith and chance.”

How the World Ends: When women can no longer get pregnant and the human race comes face-to-face with the reality of its own extinction – war, crime and revolt flourish.

Best Part of the Movie: The battle scene at the end of the movie is masterfully done. And, of course, Clive Owen’s performance rocks per usual.

Cool Factoid: Michael Caine said that he based his performance of the hippie political cartoonist on John Lennon.

28 Days Later

Year: 2002

Director: Danny Boyle

Starring: Brendan Gleeson, Noah Huntley, Cillian Murphy, Naomie Harris

Plot in a Nutshell: A plague called Rage rips through the world and turns people in flesh-eating zombies. A handful of people try to survive in the new world.

Best Quote: “Well, I think Bill's got a point. If you look at the whole life of the planet, we... you know, man, has only been around for a few blinks of an eye. So if the infection wipes us all out, that is a return to normality.”

How the World Ends: Zombies, baby, zombies

Best Part of the Movie: The movie is filled with great scenes, but the best one may be when Jim wakes up from a coma in a hospital and finds the hospital and London completely deserted of human life.

Cool Factoid: Stephen King was so excited about the movie that he bought an entire showing of the film in New York City.

Dawn of the Dead

Year: 1978

Director: George A. Romero

Starring: David Emge, Ken Foree, Scott Reiniger, Gaylen Ross

Plot in a Nutshell: A group of survivors from a zombie plague end up at a mall. They turn the mall into a paradise, but the zombies manage to break in and all hell breaks loose.

Best Quote: “This isn't the Republicans versus the Democrats, where we're in a hole economically or... or we're in another war. This is more crucial than that. This is down to the line, folks, this is down to the line. There can be no more divisions among the living!”

How the World Ends: The dead have come to life to feed on the living.

Best Part of the Movie: When the motorcycle gang breaks into the mall and starts to kill the zombies.

Cool Factoid: Many of the actors playing zombies were actual amputees

Terminator II – Judgment Day

Year: 1991

Director: James Cameron

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Linda Hamilton, Edward Furlong, Robert Patrick

Plot in a Nutshell: In a future, machines have taken over. They send a cyborg back in time to kill the leader of the human resistance, but the resistance sends back its own reprogrammed cyborg to protect the leader.

Best Quote: “Three billion human lives ended on August 29th, 1997. The survivors of the nuclear fire called the war Judgment Day. They lived only to face a new nightmare: the war against the machines.”

How the World Ends: Nuclear holocaust

Best Part of the Movie: Arnold reprising the role that made him famous.

Cool Factoid: The Terminator line: “I need a vacation” is a line from Arnold’s movie “Kindergarten Cop” and was ad-libbed by the Governor.

Labels: 12 Monkeys, 28 Days Later, Children of Men, Dawn of the Dead, Horror, I am Legend, Mad Max, Movies, Planet of the Apes, Science Fiction, Strange Days, Terminator 2, Waterworld

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The God of Thunder Answers Readers Questions About Interior and Exterior Design

Dear Thor:

I just bought a new house that needs a lot of work. The previous owners were elderly and didn’t do any real improvements since the late 1960s. It all seems so daunting to get everything up to date. Where do I start?

Sincerely,

Desperate in New Jersey

DEAR DESPERATE:

I AM THOR THE GOD OF THUNDER, THE ANCIENT IMMORTAL OF STORMS, AND THE DESTROYER OF FROST GIANTS. WHEN I FIRST BUILT MY MAGNIFICIENT STRONGHOLD IN ASGARD, I, TOO, FACED THIS QUESTION. THOR RECOMMENDS FIVE SIMPLE STEPS:

FIRST, GET THEE INSPIRATION FROM READING PARCHMENTS AND TOMES – USE THESE RESOURCES TO FIND YOUR OWN PERSONAL STYLE. SECOND, CONSIDER THE FUNCTIONAL USE OF EACH ROOM (MY TORTURE CHAMBER, FOR EXAMPLE, SHOULD NOT BE USED FOR LOUNGING ABOUT IN MY PJs). THIRD, DETERMINE WHAT FURNISHINGS AND ACCESSORIES THAT YE ALREADY OWN. FOURTH, PUT A PLAN INTO PLACE FOR EACH CHAMBER. AND, FINALLY, FIFTH, SET A STRICT BUDGET. NO NEED TO BREAK ODIN’S TREASURY IF YE DON’T HAVE TO!

SINCERELY,

THOR

Dear Thor:

The detached garage in my backyard was built in the 1930s. It’s too small for my SUV so I’ve been using it primarily as a shed. However, the years have not been kind and the foundation is unsound. The garage is pitching to the left and on the verge of collapse. Here’s my question: should I spend the money to fix it or knock it down and buy a real shed?

Regards,

Shed It Stay

DEAR SHED IT STAY:

LET THE RAGE RISE UP WITHIN THEE MORTAL AND FEEL THE FURY OF THE ELEMENTS SURGE THROUGH YE. THEN PICK UP A WAR HAMMER LIKE MJOLNIR AND DESTROY THAT GARAGE LIKE YOU WERE LOPING OFF THE HEAD OF THE TRICKSTER LOKI. CALL DOWN THE THUNDER AND LIGHTNING AND WATCH THE GARAGE BURN AND THEN LAUGH TO THE HEAVENS AND FEEL THE RAIN CASCADE OFF YOUR FACE LIKE THE BLOOD OF THE FALLEN. THEN HEAD TO HOME DEPOT AND BUY A NEW SHED. GREAT DEALS AT THE DEPOT!

SINCERELY,

THOR

Dear Thor:

My husband and I bought a cottage on the shore of a lake in New Hampshire. I would like to build a fireplace – because I think it would help reduce heating costs and, well, its romantic. My husband, Mr. Practical, wants to install an oil burner and a furnace. What would you recommend?

Best,

Mrs. Practical

DEAR MRS. PRACTICAL:

FIRES TRIGGER THE SAVAGE WITHIN US ALL. THE HEAT OF PASSION CAN MIX WITH THE HEAT OF THE FLAMES AND GIVE THE GOD OF THUNDER THEE DESIRE TO PILLAGE NORWEGIAN VILLAGES, TEAR OUT THE THROATS OF ENEMIES, AND THEN RAPE THE BLOND DAUGHTERS OF MY BEHEADED OPPONENTS – WHOSE SEVERED HEADS ADORN THE SPEARS OF MY FOLLOWERS. FIRE GOOD, BY ODIN! SO TELL YOUR WEAK-WILLED HUSBAND TO EMBRACE HIS INNER VIKING AND BUILD A STONE TEMPLE TO WORSHIP THE FIRES OF RAGE!

SINCERELY,

THOR

Dear Thor:

I’m torn about what color to paint my recently updated dining room. Part of me wants to paint it a reddish orange to give it an intimate, autumn appeal, but another part of my thinks a nice, light shade of green would give the room an airy, lighter feel. Thoughts?

Best Regards,

Paint It ?

DEAR PAINT IT ?:

MANY MOONS AGO, THOR WAS FORCED TO DRESS AS A WOMAN TO TRICK PRYMR, KING OF THE GIANTS, THAT I WAS TO BE HIS BRIDE SO I COULD RETRIEVE MY STOLEN WAR HAMMER. WE FEASTED IN HIS DINING CHAMBER FOR EIGHT LONG, UNCOMFORTABLE DAYS. WHEN MJOLNIR WAS FINALLY BROUGHT TO ME, I SHED MY DISGUISE AND BASHED THE SKULLS OF THE GIANTS TO PIECES AS THEIR BLOOD SPLATTERED ON THE WALLS (MIXED WITH PIECES OF BRAIN AND BONE FRAGMENTS). IT WAS AN ORGY OF DESTRUCTION THAT LEFT PRYMR’S DINING CHAMBER A LOVELY SHADE OF CRIMSON. RED IS THE WAY TO GO.

SINCERELY,

THOR

Thor: Sex Advice Columnist

Elegant Violence: Movie Scene That Feature the Poetry of Action

Remarkable Literary Characters

Labels: Parody, Thor

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Labels: 5 Questions, Dan Kennedy, Media, Politics, Presidents

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Labels: Britney Spears, Clay Aiken, Genesis, Jessica Simpson, Music, Paul McCartney, Queen, Stevie Wonder, Styx

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Many years ago, I interviewed the now late Robert Cormier, the author of young adult classics “The Chocolate War” and “I Am The Cheese.” Cormier started his career writing adult fiction. Most of his early works focused on working-class French-Canadians struggling to find the American Dream.

After the success of his first book “Now and at the Hour” (1960), Cormier’s publisher wanted him to write an epic on the French-Canadian experience. The publisher pictured a 1,000-page opus that would tell the story of French-Canadian family spanning generations. Cormier gave it a go, but he just couldn’t make it work.

The canvas was too large. “I like working small,” Cormier said. So instead of the epic, Cormier wrote “A Little Raw on Monday Mornings” (1963), the very personal story of a young French-Canadian woman struggling with an unwanted pregnancy.

My conversation with Cormier came to mind as I was reading Dave Zeltserman’s crime novel “Small Crimes.” You couldn’t find two more disparate writers, but both novelists understand the power of a smaller stage. Small stories can produce big results and unveil universal truths.

That’s the secret to Zeltserman’s fascinating novel about small town corruption and the consequences that follow. Unlike many crime writers today addicted to glamorous, far-fetched shoot-outs, outrageously high-concept plots, and the superhero-like-antics of protagonists, Zeltserman mines the ordinary for the extraordinary.

So instead of a comic book, Zeltserman’s readers get a tightly-wrought, character-driven neo-noir thriller that feels like it might be happening – right now. Zeltserman’s writing in “Small Crimes” has been compared to Jim Thompson’s and the assessment is dead-on (although Novelist Ed Gorman disagrees).

Thompson explored the lives of nihilistic losers on the fringe of society by expertly using first-person narrative. Every character in a Thompson novel is a flawed and damaged personality. Zeltserman’s “Small Crimes” plays in that sandbox as well.

It starts with his complex protagonist Joe Denton, an ex-cop recently released from prison for horribly disfiguring the face of the local district attorney by stabbing him repeatedly with a letter opener. Denton is a two-bit loser living in a world of delusion. He’s the unreliable narrator of “Small Crimes” and his view of the world is constantly being challenged by the reality of his situations and his interactions with the other characters.

Joe incorrectly thinks he’s a changed man: he’s ridden himself of his cocaine and gambling addictions and believes the slate is clean for him. That he can simply waltz back into the lives of his parents and wife and daughters and all will be forgiven. The problem with poor Joe is that he’s white-washed just how much damage and destruction he wrought on his loved ones.

His mother can barely look at him. His father thinks he’s a sociopath (which is likely true) and his wife has fled with their daughters and wants absolutely nothing to do with Joe – ever again. And this, believe it or not, is the least of Joe’s problems.

At the heart of “Small Crimes” (how’s that for an ironic title?) is mobster Manny Vassey. Vassey is dying of cancer and in talks with the DA Joe maimed to confess his crimes in order to get in heaven. Vassey has a truckload of information about Joe’s crimes while a police officer. Vassey also has the local corrupt sheriff Dan Pleasant over the same barrel.

Pleasant gives Joe a simple choice: Kill either Vassey or the DA to end the investigation. If not, Joe gets a bullet in the head. This is the plot device the drives the action of “Small Crimes” – will Joe kill the mobster or the lawyer? Or will he come up with his own plan of action?

But the novel is really about character – about sin and redemption and the power of self-delusion. If you’re a fan of crime fiction with some brains and sophistication (not to mention some slam-bang writing) behind it – don’t miss “Small Crimes.”

And keep an eye on this Dave Zeltserman guy: he’s going places.

Our exclusive interview with Dave Zeltserman

Deeply, Disappointing Dexter

Our interview with horror novelist David Wellington

Labels: book review, Dave Zeltserman, Small Crimes

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Our Favorite Movies Featuring Fictional U.S. Presidents

Just in time for the debates and the election season, we give you our favorite movies featuring make-believe presidents. If only it were so easy!

Air Force One

Year: 1997

Plot in a Nutshell: Terrorists hijack Air Force One and the president is forced to forgo diplomacy and kick some ass.

Playing the President Is: Harrison Ford

The President’s Name: James Marshall

Is He Presidential?: If you like your leaders to be men of action (and better at hand-to-hand combat than his Secret Service agents) – then, hell, yes.

Party Affiliation: Unknown, but likely a Republican

Best Presidential Quote: “Never again will I allow our political self-interest to deter us from doing what we know to be morally right. Atrocity and terror are not political weapons. And to those who would use them, your day is over. We will never negotiate. We will no longer tolerate and we will no longer be afraid. It's your turn to be afraid.”

Cool Trivia: The role was presented to Kevin Costner first, but he was committed to doing “The Postman.”

Would We Vote for Him?: After he single-handedly takes out the terrorists and defuses a bomb? Of course!

Dave

Year: 1993

Plot in a Nutshell: An average Joe who looks like the president and sometimes plays his body double is forced to assume command when the real president has a heart attack during a hotel tryst.

Playing the President Is: Kevin Kline

The President’s Name: William Harrison Mitchell

Is He Presidential?: The real president is a scumbag, but the body double Dave is a sweetheart.

Party Affiliation: The real president seems to be Republican, but Dave leans to the left.

Best Presidential Quote: “If you've ever seen the look on somebody's face the day they finally get a job, I've had some experience with this, they look like they could fly. And its not about the paycheck, it's about respect, it's about looking in the mirror and knowing that you've done something valuable with your day. And if one person could start to feel this way, and then another person, and then another person, soon all these other problems may not seem so impossible. You don't really know how much you can do until you, stand up and decide to try.”

Cool Trivia: Oliver Stone makes a cameo as a journalist who tries to convince everyone that the president isn’t really the president.

Would We Vote for Him?: Thumbs down for William Harrison Mitchell, but a thumbs up for Dave.

The Contender

Year: 2000

Plot in a Nutshell: The vice president dies in office and the new president selects a woman to replace him. Dirty politics ensue and the new VP tries to maintain her dignity.

Playing the President Is: Jeff Bridges

The President’s Name: Jackson Evans

Is He Presidential?: He’s crafty and charming and smart – so a definite yes.

Party Affiliation: Democrat

Best Presidential Quote: “Napoleon once said when asked to explain the lack of great statesmen in the world, that "to get power you need to display absolute pettiness; to exercise power, you need to show true greatness." Such pettiness and greatness are rarely found in one person... Laine Hanson has asked that I allow her to step aside. She asked me to do this because she wants my presidency to end on a note of triumph and not controversey. Understand, those of you who worked to bring Laine Hanson down, that she asked to have her name withdrawn from consideration, NOT because she isn't great, but because she isn't petty. Because those two forms of leadership traits could not live in her body or her soul. Greatness. It comes in many forms, sometimes it comes in the form of sacrifice - that's the loneliest form.”

Cool Trivia: Joan Allen plays the VP hopeful and this may be her best movie.

Would We Vote for Him?: A president who bowls? We’d punch that ballot.

Independence Day

Year: 1996

Plot in a Nutshell: The Earth is attacked by aliens and the humans rally around the president at Area 51 in order to fight back.

Playing the President Is: Bill Pullman

The President’s Name: Thomas J. Whitmore

Is He Presidential?: He’s the kindred spirit of Harrison Ford in “Air Force One.” He’s a president not afraid to get his hands dirty.

Party Affiliation: Unknown, but he appears to be a Democrat

Best Presidential Quote: “Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. "Mankind." That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night!" We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!”

Cool Trivia: Originally, the producers wanted to change the name of the film to “Doomsday” and release it on Memorial Day.

Would We Vote for Him?: Depends on who he was running against. He’s a bit too earnest for our taste.

The American President

Year: 1995

Plot in a Nutshell: The widower president falls in love with a lobbyist.

Playing the President Is: Michael Douglas

The President’s Name: Andrew Shepherd

Is He Presidential?: All the way. And he can dance as well.

Party Affiliation: Democrat

Best Presidential Quote (see video above): “For the last couple of months, Senator Rumson has suggested that being president of this country was, to a certain extent, about character, and although I have not been willing to engage in his attacks on me, I've been here three years and three days, and I can tell you without hesitation: Being President of this country is entirely about character. For the record: yes, I am a card-carrying member of the ACLU. But the more important question is why aren't you, Bob?”

Cool Trivia: Robert Redford was originally cast in the role of the president.

Would We Vote for Him?: We’d vote for him and donate money to his campaign.

Vantage Point

Year: 2008

Plot in a Nutshell: A terrorist group tries to take out the president and a veteran Secret Service agent is all that stands in the way.

Playing the President Is: William Hurt

The President’s Name: President Ashton

Is He Presidential?: Yes, he gives a grand speech in Spain

Party Affiliation: Unknown, but a speech on terrorism probably means he’s a Republican.

Best Presidential Quote: “No, we have to be strong.”

Cool Trivia: The film takes place in Spain, but only the overhead shots were actually film there. The movie was actually filmed in Mexico.

Would We Vote for Him?: He’s got some loyal Secret Service agents who like him, but its difficult to get a take on his politics or his personality.

Absolute Power

Year: 1997

Plot in a Nutshell: While a thief watches him from behind a two-way mirror, the president attempts to rape a woman at a fundraising party and when she fights back she’s shot by the Secret Service agents. The president tries to cover it up, but the thief decides not to let him get away with it.

Playing the President Is: Gene Hackman

The President’s Name: Allen Richmond

Is He Presidential?: Are you kidding? The guy’s a criminal (well, some could argue that that is about as presidential as you get).

Party Affiliation: Unknown, but since he groped and raped a woman (not a man), it’s likely he’s a Democrat.

Best Presidential Quote: “He saw nothing. He saw a drunk woman who liked rough sex too much. He's a burglar. Who's gonna believe him? After all, it's not as if he has any evidence or anything.”

Cool Trivia: The film is based on the bestselling novel by David Baldacci.

Would We Vote for Him?: Ah, no.

My Fellow Americans

Year: 1996

Plot in a Nutshell: Two ex-presidents are framed by the current president and go on the lam in an effort to find evidence to prove their innocence.

Playing the President Is: There are three presidents in the film played by Jack Lemmon, James Garner and Dan Aykroyd

The Presidents’ Names: Russell P. Kramer (Lemmon), Matt Douglas (Garner), and William Haney (Aykroyd)

Are They Presidential?: Did we mention that they go on the lam?

Party Affiliation: Democrats and Republicans – cats and dogs!

Best Presidential Quote: “Hail to the chief, if you don't, I'll have to kill you. I am the chief, so you better watch your step, you bastards.”

Cool Trivia: Walter Matthau was supposed to play the Garner role, but he was too ill.

Would We Vote for Them?: Only if Moe from the “Three Stooges” was running against either one.

7 Obscure Serial Killer Flicks Worthy of Rental

Summer Blockbusters Rejected by Hollywood

Scary Water Movies

Labels: Movies, Politics, Presidents

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Labels: literary criticism, literature, Stephen Crane

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Labels: Old Garage, Poem

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It was still dark; and as I padded to the first floor, I could feel the early morning chill seeping through the walls. I was shivering and, despite my reluctance, I turned on the heat.

The radiators burbled, coughed, and just like that summer slipped away.

The leaves are mostly green, but they’re tired. Some of their neighbors have begun to die (dye?). It’s faint, but there are speckles of red, yellow, and orange. The splash will soon come. The color will explode. Autumn – quick, furious, beautiful autumn – will seize the day.

And then the descent begins – the fade into winter. Fall is my favorite season. So ephemeral; like the pleasure of eating a freshly pick apple or the intoxicating vision of a mound of pumpkins. It's the season of poetry.

So why talk about autumn when you can experience it:

After Apple-Picking

By Robert Frost

My long two-pointed ladder's sticking through a tree
Toward heaven still,
And there's a barrel that I didn't fill
Beside it, and there may be two or three
Apples I didn't pick upon some bough.
But I am done with apple-picking now.
Essence of winter sleep is on the night,
The scent of apples: I am drowsing off.
I cannot rub the strangeness from my sight
I got from looking through a pane of glass
I skimmed this morning from the drinking trough
And held against the world of hoary grass.
It melted, and I let it fall and break.
But I was well
Upon my way to sleep before it fell,
And I could tell
What form my dreaming was about to take.
Magnified apples appear and disappear,
Stem end and blossom end,
And every fleck of russet showing clear.
My instep arch not only keeps the ache,
It keeps the pressure of a ladder-round.
I feel the ladder sway as the boughs bend.

And I keep hearing from the cellar bin
The rumbling sound
Of load on load of apples coming in.
For I have had too much
Of apple-picking: I am overtired
Of the great harvest I myself desired.
There were ten thousand thousand fruit to touch,
Cherish in hand, lift down, and not let fall.
For all
That struck the earth,
No matter if not bruised or spiked with stubble,
Went surely to the cider-apple heap
As of no worth.
One can see what will trouble
This sleep of mine, whatever sleep it is.
Were he not gone,
The woodchuck could say whether it's like his
Long sleep, as I describe its coming on,
Or just some human sleep

When A Poem is a Wheelbarrow

Mystical, Melancholy Autumn

The Rage of Autumn

Labels: After Apple-Picking, Autumn, Poem, Poetry, Robert Frost

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Reckless Debt Spending, Terrible War Planning, and Osama Bin Laden Running Around Free Top Our List Of Why Republicans Don't Deserve the Presidency

Is there anyone left in America that really still thinks George W. Bush has been a good president?

That the last eight years were better than the eight years under Clinton?

In case people have forgotten – Clinton handed Bush a balanced federal budget and a surplus of $559 billion. After eight years of reckless spending and tax cuts, Bush is ready to leave office with the federal deficit at $9.7 trillion dollars. This doesn’t even include the cost for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan or the money we’re about to shell out to Wall Street and the financial markets.

The reality is that Bush’s tax cuts are an illusion. He increased spending with borrowed money. But eventually – like all loans – you have to pay it back.

This irresponsibility alone should put to the rest the notion that Republicans are fiscally responsible. It just isn’t true. Over the course of the last 50 years, the country has done better economically under Democrats than under Republicans. You don’t have to the do the number crunching – the L.A. Times has done it for you.

Isn’t this reason enough not to vote Republican in November?

Well, if you’re one of the stubborn ones, here are four more reasons why Republicans simply don’t deserve the White House for the next four years.

The Iraq War

Lest we forget: here’s why we went to war in Iraq:

“(The Iraqi regime) possesses and produces chemical and biological weapons. It is seeking nuclear weapons. It has given shelter and support to terrorism, and practices terror against its own people,” said George W. Bush in 2002. You can read the full text of his speech outlining why we needed to invade Iraq here. Be warned: it is scarily misguided.

Of course, after the invasion which has killed more than 4,000 U.S. troops, wounded more than 30,000 U.S. troops, and killed upwards of 90,000 Iraqi civilians, we have discovered that Iraq had never supported Al Qaeda, wasn’t even close to producing nuclear weapons, and didn’t have a single chemical or biological weapon.

Oops!

We’d better make another fabricated connection to 9/11! Vice President Dick Cheney did so repeatedly and continued to say Iraq had strong ties to Al Qaeda even after the 9/11 Commission found “no collaborative relationship” between Iraq and al Qaeda.

So why exactly did we invade Iraq? I’m not sure if we’ve ever gotten a real answer. But it has cost us more than $580 billion so far.

The Financial Meltdown

Not only was the first bailout package for Wall Street killed by the Republicans revolting against the policies of their own party, but it was the Republicans who lead the charge for the massive deregulation of the financial sector that is at the root of the problem.

Bush appointed Henry Paulson as U.S. Treasurer. Paulson is the former CEO of Goldman Sachs and has surrounded himself with other Wall Street insiders from his days at Goldman. They were slow to react to the mounting evidence that investment banks and other financial institutions were on the brink of collapse (Bush, in fact, was expressing confidence in the strength and stability of the markets as late as September 15).

Bush’s tepid response (it took him days to finally address the American people once the collapse became evident) is only slightly less ridiculous than McCain, who called the fundamentals of the economy sound on the day when the stock markets plummeted and banks went out of business. Then McCain overreacted by suspending his campaign and his debate with Obama – and then, of course, he did neither. Then he called for firing SEC Chairman Christopher Cox, even though he doesn’t have that authority (even as president).

Talk about a man in the throes of indecision and panic.

Perhaps this is why most people think the Republicans are to blame for the crisis. A new CNN poll has Americans 2-1 pointing the finger at Republicans rather than Democrats.

New Orleans

The city of New Orleans remains pocked with devastation from Hurricane Katrina three years later. In fact, the city hasn’t fully recovered and may never as the neglect from the federal government continues unabated.

You may recall that Bush didn’t think the hurricane merited ending his vacation early and that he didn’t tour the destruction until three days later – and then he went to Biloxi, Mississippi and talked about rebuilding Trent Lott’s porch and how he used to get drunk in New Orleans.

The federal government ignored New Orleans pleas to strengthen the levees as the storm was bearing down on it. Then the government bungled the recovery efforts – from providing shelter to getting food and water to victims. McCain called Bush’s handling of the disaster “disgraceful” back in April, yet he voted against a $21 million recovery package for the city and other areas hit by Katrina.

Bin Laden

Remember him? He’s allegedly the terrorist mastermind that murdered about 3,000 Americans on September 11, 2001 by orchestrating a deadly plot to fly airplanes into our institutions (a plot that Bush was warned about several months before it happened – yet he did nothing).

Bin Laden is the man who supposedly destroyed the World Trade Center Towers. The man who we are told planned the attack that had a commercial aircraft takeout a section of the Pentagon.

Yet, he’s a free man – and apparently an avid videographer.

How is it possible that Bush and the Republican-controlled Congress voted to divert soldiers, money, and resources away from finding Bin Laden in Afghanistan in order to invade Iraq – which had absolutely nothing to do with 9/11?

It’s remarkable that Bush said in September of 2006 that capturing Bin Laden was “not a top priority” for the United States. Huh?

Why?

We really don’t have answers, but there are questions about Bush’s personal and family connections to Osama Bin Laden’s family. This may be the best reason why Republicans don’t deserve another term in office. They have betrayed those killed in 9/11, but not making the capture of their alleged murdered the number one priority of the administration.

Read More of Our Essays:

Blame the X$#% Media!

Addicted to Convenience

The Danger of Bottled Water

Labels: Bush, Essay, Politics, President

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