::Literate Blather::
Thursday, April 19, 2007
How to be an Office Drone

Send a resume that claims you’re a people person. Then go sit in a corner and wait for retirement.

Required Uniform

Polo Shirts: It’s best to have a wide range of colors such as plum, peach, salmon, turquoise, and black. They should all have the logos of defunct technology start-ups that no one has ever heard of such as Intrudec, iThunk, eVert, and Shout Magic.

Khaki pants: Of various shades – preferably to ankle length to show off your amazing array of brown and black socks.

Sneakers: Tennis and running sneakers are the favorites. Make sure they are shiny and worn with your colored socks.

Required Habits

Coffee: You must be a coffee aficionado and drink at least four or five cups daily. You will be required to fall into one of two tribes – Dunkin’ Donuts or Starbucks. Everyone is allowed to complain about the single-cup servings available in the office kitchen.

Computer Games: Mastering single shooter and Dungeons & Dragons role-playing games is a must. Be ready to describe the adventures of your half-elf mage/thief to any and all co-workers.

Pornography: This will be your only outlet for sex. Try to be discrete.

Candy: Be prepared to be bombarded with sweets. Eat it all. The sugar rush is the only happiness you will receive most days.

Necessary Skill Set

Screen Reduction: The ability to reduce a window quickly and effortlessly is a necessary skill to hide the fact that you aren’t actually working but posting anti-corporate rants on your blog or in a flame war with DevilDwarf on the Worlds of Warcraft message board.

Complaining: Bitch about everything: your salary, your social life, the commute, the weather, your workload, the new vice president, your cubicle, and your life.

Powerpoint: You must be able to communicate your every thought through bullets.


Office Parks: You will work in flat-roofed office buildings with no functioning windows and overhead fluorescent lighting. The building will be surrounded by a blacktopped parking lot. Sometimes you’ll be close to a strip mall.

Cubicles: You will live in your cubicle. It’s like a monkey cage at the zoo (only there’s nothing to climb on). Be sure to personalize your cube with Dilbert cartoons, toys and balls, vacation photographs, cute animal magnets, a candy dish, various certificates and internal company awards, and graft from the trade shows you’ll be forced to attend.

Conference Rooms: Be sure to pick the most comfortable chair and one with a view of the world outside of the soul-sucking enterprise where you work. Skills to attending long meetings are the abilities to: fart quietly, disguise growling stomachs with coughing, pounce on food first to avoid soggy sandwiches, and to leave the meeting with absolutely no work.

Cafeterias: Most of the cafeteria workers have criminal records and probably spit in the food. They hate you and your relatively fat paycheck.


Chapped Lips/Dry Skin: Offices are drier than deserts. If you don’t drink enough water you will suffer.

Hemorrhoids: Scratching your ass discretely is an acquired skill.

Overweight: You will develop a paunch because you spend all day sitting on your ass and not moving. Wear loose clothing to disguise the fact that you’re a fat, out-of-shape slob.

Attention Deficit Disorder: Email, IM, and cell phones will create an addiction for instant data. You will be unable to focus on one task for long periods of time. You will become impatient with conversations because they take too long. Remember: multi-tasking is just a polite way of saying you have ADD.

Muscle Atrophy: You’ll have strong fingers, but the rest of you will become pale and soft.

Welcome to you new career.

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