Labels: Christmas, Parody, Santa Claus, Under God's Right Arm

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He would stalk proudly into a voting booth with the lights of heaven glistening upon his brow and cast a ballot for John McCain and Sarah Palin as President and Vice President of the United States of America.

Why?

It isn’t because of McCain – a rather crusty career politician who has spent most of his time in Washington licking the boots of New York Times reporters and liberal buddies like John Kerry (Kerry leans so far left he makes Pol Pot look like a conservative!).

The reason the Son of Man would vote for McCain has nothing to do with him. It has to do with his running mate – Sarah Palin, the amazing Governor of Alaska. Sarah is a gift from God.

Don’t let the ugly smear campaign by the anti-Christian, communist media convince you otherwise. What you are witnessing is the systematic demonizing of a strong, God-fearing woman so that the media can put their stealth Muslim candidate in office.

Allow me to personally address the red herring issues raised by the alleged mainstream media as to why Sarah is not qualified to be vice president. It doesn’t take much thought to poke holes in their flimsy case against her – just good, old fashioned logic.

Sarah Palin is a born-again whack job who believes the war in Iraq is a holy war.

It’s amazing how being a Christian these days is interpreted to being a dumb, ignorant hick. Palin is a Christian and believes in the Lord Jesus as her savior. This is the belief held by the majority of Americans. Are we all belly scratchers with low IQs? Of course not! And anyone who doesn’t think the war in Iraq is a holy war – is a nut job (hello, New York Times editorial board!). If Iraq was a reasonable Christian nation instead of one filled with radical Islamic terrorists do you actually think we’d be at war? Of course not!

Sarah Palin supports abstinence rather than sex education in public schools her own teenage daughter is pregnant.

The unfortunate situation with Palin’s daughter is family business – a private matter. And, yes, I know I once called Jamie Lynn Spears, the pregnant 16-year-old sister of Brittany Spears, a “trailer trash whore with parents who have the morals of a Las Vegas stripper,” but that is a different situation. Jamie Lynn is being raised by liberal sex fiends and clearly Palin’s daughter is being raised by an outstanding Christian family. There are differences. Just because Palin’s daughter made a mistake and didn’t resist temptation doesn’t mean that abstinence training doesn’t work. Teenagers need to understand that sex outside of marriage is a sin and can lead to an eternity in the fires of hell. A condom won’t change that!

Sarah Palin has less than two years of experience as governor of Alaska.

This complaint always makes me roll my eyes. My answer is so what? Sarah was also mayor of a teaming metropolis for six years and on the City Council for another four years! The Muslim Democrat has only been a senator for three years and before that a state senator of just seven years! Add them up and Sarah has one year more of political experience. People can talk about the fact that he’s also a Constitutional law professor educated at Harvard Law School and Columbia University – but do those qualifications really mean more than Sarah’s BS from the University of Idaho (a great public college!)? I don’t think so.

Sarah Palin opposes abortion even in cases of rape and incest.

So does Jesus. She’s in good company.

Sarah Palin doesn’t have any foreign policy experience and thinks being close to Russia qualifies her as an expert.

The hyperactive communist media gets lathered up about Palin’s truthful observation that Alaska is close to Russia. We all know that the closer you are to something – the better understanding you have of it. That’s just common sense. Of course Palin knows Russia. She lives right next door to those Godless heathens! Just because she hasn’t traveled abroad doesn’t mean anything except that she loves the United States more than most of those globe-trotting liberals who want to see how most of the world doesn’t have working toilets. I’ve never been outside of the United States either (except for one trip to Mexico in the 1980s). The reason? Everything I could ever want I can find at the mall! There’s no reason to waste money on airplane tickets to experience other cultures. If I want to understand the Chinese – I can go to a Chinese restaurant or to one of the many Chinatowns here in our country. If I want to experience Italy – hey, there’s an Olive Garden! You get what I mean. Palin has common sense and faith in Jesus. What else do you need when negotiating with UN flunkies, African mob bosses, and Middle Eastern terrorists?

(The Rev. Colson Crosslick is pastor of the Pretty Good Shepherd Church in Ripsaw, Arkansas. He plans to be a patriotic Christian and vote for Sarah Palin in November. He also writes the regularly appearing column Under God's Right Arm for DaRK PaRTY.)

More from the Reverend:

How Lego Celebrates Murder

Bring Back Bush!

Why Do Liberals Hate Jesus?

Labels: Politics, Sarah Palin, Under God's Right Arm

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The True Story of How H.R. Pufnstuf Destroyed a Boy's Life

By Rev. Colson Crosslick

Stevie Shetkan is a member of my congregation at the Pretty Good Shepherd Church in Ripsaw, Arkansas. He’s a reformed heroin addict and male prostitute (who admittedly has nice thighs) who used to do anything – and I mean anything – to score his next fix.

When Stevie let the shining golden light lasers of Jesus into his life – his life turned around. He’s now a successful day laborer living in a boarding house and earning just enough money to squeeze by while paying his ex-wife alimony and child support. His life wasn’t always this good.

Stevie used to live in an expensive hotel in downtown Little Rock, wear fashionable new clothes, and turn “tricks” with rock stars, lawyers, and businessmen while pumping heroin into his veins.

How did Stevie Shetkan become a drug-addled vamp?

The answer will amaze your Christian sensibilities – the TV show “H.R. Pufnstuf.” The younger folks among you might not remember this staple of Saturday mornings. Supposedly it was a live-action puppet show full of fun and innocent silliness. The plot revolved around a young boy and his magic flute being transformed to another realm lead by a friendly dragon named H.R. Pufnstuf.

But in reality “H.R. Pufnstuf” was a subversive counterculture TV show that lured innocent children into the drug culture of the 1970s and 1980s. The program, as you’ll see, urged children to smoke marijuana and try acid – two dangerous illegal narcotics that lead children to cocaine and heroin addiction as well as to experimentation with the dark pleasures of homosexuality.

The show is almost as bad as the “Curious George” books – one of the most anti-Christian children’s series in world history. It was also the grandfather of other modern shows allegedly for children, but actually subversive liberal brainwashing programs (“Barney” and “The Teletubbies,” for example).

The “H.R. Pufnstuf” program was the creation of two evil men – Sid and Marty Krofft (who have a mysterious Jewish sounding name – not that I have anything against Hebrews other than they scorn the Lord Christ Jesus). The Kroffts are responsible for many children’s TV shows such as “Land of the Lost,” “Sigmund and the Sea Monsters,” and “The Bugaloos.”

But “H.R. Pufnstuf” was their shining tribute to illegal drugs. How do I know this? Because, my friends, the evidence can be found on the Internet. “Like many good things from that era, H.R. Pufnstuf was full of nods to the prevailing stoner counter-culture, and included many sly pot and drug references,” according to the Web site of Cannabis Culture Magazine (a left-wing liberal pro-drug rag).

The loony liberal magazine goes on to say:

“Although the marijuana and drug references are sometimes subtle, they are laced throughout the entire series. Some highlights include Witchiepoo offering a minion a "roach beef sandwich," Freddy the Flute getting turned into a magic mushroom, Pufnstuf telling Cling and Clang to "stop sniffing" the magic smoke, and Jimmy dosing Witchiepoo with a Love Potion.”

Then there is the matter of H.R. Pufnstuf’s name – which is pronounced “Puffing Stuff.” He’s also a magic dragon in much the same way as “Puff the Magic Dragon,” a marijuana tribute song by Peter, Paul, and Mary.

Marty Krofft, in a moment of candor, has even admitted that H.R. Pufnstuf was an intentional marijuana reference. The sly evildoer! But all you have to do is watch the show. It’s obvious! Look at the trippy colors, the weird props, and the talking mushrooms practically begging children to fire up the water bong.

“Every episode is like an acid trip,” Stevie Shetkan told me. “After watching it, I wanted to smoke pot like you read about. And I didn’t even know what pot was!”

He soon found out from his older brother (who was also hypnotized by the uber-liberal show). First came the dope – then came the hard drugs – and then, of course, the sex with horny, well-toned men. These kinds of “children” shows should be banned – and we should be going at “Barney” and “Teletubbies” just hard!

Stop them before they turn your child into another Stevie Shetkan.

(The Rev. Colson Crosslick is pastor of the Pretty Good Shepherd Church in Ripsaw, Arkansas. In the past, he has called for a boycott of all TV programs dedicated to children that don't replay excerpts of the Holy Bible. He also writes the regularly appearing column Under God's Right Arm for DaRK PaRTY.)

Labels: Culture, HR Pufnstuf, Parody, TV, Under God's Right Arm

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By Rev. Colson Crosslick

What could be a more innocent toy than Legos?

That’s what I used to think before I did some research.  Did you know that Lego was founded and is still headquartered in Denmark, one of the socialist bloc countries in communist-controlled Scandinavia?  We all know what the Danes are about – free sex, nude beaches, and women who don’t shave their armpits!

In other words, Denmark is a nation full of filthy liberals.  

So is it any surprise that these “progressives” have founded a company that has a subversive anti-Christian agenda?  Of course not.  This is how the liberal underground operates – especially in places like Denmark!

Lego, as should be evident by now, is a trap toy for Christian parents.  They suck you right in.  Christian folks think they are buying a series of interlocking blocks of various shapes and sizes.  These blocks can be used to build churches, angels, the Garden of Eden, and even Jesus dying on the crucifix.  They seem harmless!

Where’s the injury?

Well, how about a series of Lego toys that promotes and symbolizes rape, sodomy, murder, thievery, kidnapping, torture, poor hygiene, and bad dental habits?

I’m talking about one of Lego’s most popular products: Lego Pirate.  It was launched in 1989, discontinued, but has been revived after the success of the horrid and anti-Christian “Pirates of Caribbean” movies (produced by a company founded on greed – Walt Disney, but that’s a column for another day).

It is amazing that an alleged “toy” company could actually celebrate pirates – among the most brutal criminals in history.  Good Christians should keep far away from pirates and not allow their children to play with any toys – never mind Legos – that depict these scoundrels.

Allow me to give you a brief history of piracy – a history that Lego doesn’t want you to know!

• Blackbeard, one of the most notorious pirates, created a flag for his ship that depicted the devil holding an hourglass in one hand and stabbing a spear into a bleeding heart with the other.  Can you imagine anything more anti-Christian?  The commies over at Lego had a pirate figurine created in honor of Blackbeard called “Redbeard.”

• An old time author named Robert Louis Stevenson wrote a despicable novel called “Treasure Island” that features pirates, murder, drinking, and the kidnapping of a young, nubile boy by rough tattooed (and sometime bare-chested) buccaneers.  Lego, of course, thinks this is a good thing and has a toy named after this seedy, sexually graphic novel.

• The historical pirate Black Bart had two flags made in his honor.  One of them showed him holding hands with Death and the other showed him standing on two skulls and holding a dagger.  Lego has a series of skeleton figures wearing pirate caps that resemble the Grim Reaper.  These creepy figurines are made for children under the age of 10!

• Captain Jack Sparrow, a ruthless and cunning pirate, may have been gay.  If you look closely at the Lego figurine Captain Roger (who has an eye patch, a hook for an arm, and a wooden stump for a leg) you can see a homosexual glimmer in his expression – just like Jack Sparrow probably had!
  

Lego should be ashamed of itself.  It’s bad enough that the company is run by crazy Danish socialists, but do they have to subject our children to savage pirates?  What’s next for Lego – a series on notable 20^th century serial killers?  Hey, kids here’s a figurine of John Wayne Gacy dressed as a clown and sodomizing little boy and Ted Bundy performing necrophilia on a dead college girl!

Wow, I hope I haven’t given them the idea for their next Christmas toy!

Do the right thing.  Boycott Lego and boycott all pirate toys.  Don’t wait until your children cut off their hand so they can insert a hook and then use it to kill the neighbor’s son – just because Lego made them think it was “cool.”

(The Rev. Colson Crosslick is pastor of the Pretty Good Shepherd Church in Ripsaw, Arkansas.  In the past, he has called for a ban against Walt Disney for promoting pirate movies.  He also writes the regularly appearing column Under God's Right Arm for DaRK PaRTY.)

More of Rev. Crosslick's intellectual insights:

The Disease of Liberalism

Bringing Intelligence Back to Science

Dungeons & Dragons: Satan's Game

Labels: Corporate, Lego, Parody, Under God's Right Arm

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By Rev. Colson Crosslick

Picture a society:

• Where gays, lesbians, and she-males are treated the same as heterosexuals and can be married at any City Hall.
• Where the government gets into the healthcare business and starts paying for everyone who is sick to be treated – no matter if they can afford it or not!
• Where our job-creating, money-machine corporations are forced to pay higher taxes.
• Where hard-working rich people are penalized for their success by being forced to pay a higher percentage of taxes than the middle class and the poor.
• Where the in-roads Christianity has made into infiltrating government are eliminated and we go back to separating church and state.
• Where our warriors in Iraq return to our shores shame-faced because the war has been shutdown.

If we don’t tread carefully the nightmare scenario above could well become a reality. That’s because that bleak picture could happen to our great nation if we are foolish enough to elect a Democrat to the office of the presidency. Democrats in this day and age are the commies of the the 20th century.

So far I haven’t been overly impressed with the collection of Republicans vying to fill Bush’s enormous shoes – but I will caution voters that any of them would be better than Hillary Clinton (a she-beast closet lesbian if I’ve ever seen one), John Edwards (a greedy hick lawyer who hates businesses), and Obarka Obamaslama (who is probably related to at least a dozen Muslim terrorists).

In my mind former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee comes closest to presidential timber. He’s a man who I wouldn’t mind kneeling next to in church. So I’m going to cast my vote for him (yet I’m seriously considering just writing in a vote for Bush). The rest of Republican pack isn’t so bad – with the except of Mitt Romney, who is a member of a dangerous religious cult that blasphemers Jesus Christ and the holy tenets of Christianity. Romney should be shunned until he dies and finds himself face to face with Satan.

But the real problem is our own laws. The 22^nd Amendment of the U.S. Constitution prevents a president from sitting in power for more than two terms. This is a mistake and our Congress should be trying overturn or vote this law out of practice. There’s little doubt that George W. Bush deserves a third term.

There’s been lots of unfounded criticism of Bush in the radical leftwing media such as the New York Times, TIME magazine, and the Wall Street Journal, but there is little disagreement among thinking people that Bush has been one of the greatest presidents in history. I think most reasonable people agree that one of the great tragedies of the 2008 election is that Bush isn’t on the ticket. In my opinion there is little doubt this great leader would be re-elected in a landslide.

On the whole, the Bush legacy is nothing short of awe-inspiring. He is responsible for bringing Christians flocking back to government (putting God back where he belongs!). He has been an ardent supporter of stopping liberals and minorities from having abortions, murdering cut-throat criminals, and starting wars with unstable despots and terrorist states. He has also given back hundreds of millions of dollars to corporations and the wealthy – which for years were unfairly taxed by liberals.

He also stopped efforts at universal healthcare – which is a disastrous idea and one that brings the United States closer to communism. But perhaps his most amazing achievement has been his relentless pursuit of terrorists – no matter where they hide. So what if he hasn’t caught Osama bin Laden! He helped assassinate Saddam Hussein and has captured and imprisoned hundreds of Muslim thugs (and whisked them away into secret prisons where they can’t do any harm).

Bush has been a supporter of education – and believes that all children should learn to read and write. It’s been the linchpin of his domestic policy and we’ve seen huge improvements in public education as a result (despite what many ungrateful, overpaid teachers say).

I understand that the 22^nd Amendment probably won’t be eliminated, but it should be bypassed on this occasion. George W. Bush’s business is unfinished and my fear is that some Democratic do-gooder like Clinton or Obamaslama will be voted into office and start screwing things up. Do we really want healthcare for everyone? Do we really want to end the war in Iraq?

So vote Huckabee – or write in the name of our mightiest of presidents: George W. Bush. He can't win -- but it would be a powerful message to his inferior replacement!

(The Rev. Colson Crosslick is pastor of the Pretty Good Shepherd Church in Ripsaw, Arkansas. In the past, he has called for a ban on liberals from running for public office. He also writes the regularly appearing column Under God's Right Arm for DaRK PaRTY.)

The Reverend's 5 Reasons to Oppose Gay Marriage here

Labels: Bush, Politics, Under God's Right Arm

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Best Book

“The Road” by Cormac McCarthy

“All the Pretty Horses” left a bad taste in our mouths about McCarthy. We found that popular novel to be pretentious in every sense – it was a maudlin affair filled with forced writing. But our opinion about McCarthy changed after we picked up “The Road.” It’s a beautiful novel – a celebration of human connection. It takes place in a post-apocalyptic America and features a father and son traveling down an ash-ridden road looking for the ocean – and possibly some hope. It is a true treat for readers.

Worst Book

“Hundred-Dollar Baby” by Robert B. Parker

It was written in 2006 – but the paperback came out this year (and it’s when I read it). Ouch. As life-long fans of Robert B. Parker’s Spenser series it dawn on us after “Hundred-Dollar Baby” how badly the series as been going for the last few years. We used to believe the rote and formula of the Spenser novels was one of its strengths. Not anymore. The series is tired – and old (kind of like Spenser). “Hundred-Dollar Baby” is the definition of an author mailing it in.

The book was so bad we implored Parker to kill Spenser off.

Best Surprise – Book

“Alex” by Mark Katesniko

We’ve recently discovered the magic of graphic novels – and while the genre can be hit or miss, Katesniko’s beautiful drawn and powerful story of despair was a marvelous achievement. “Alex” (published in 2006) is about an artist who suffers a breakdown and moves back to hometown hoping for a new beginning. Instead, he struggles with alcoholism and the loss of his dreams. Amazing read.

Biggest Disappointment – Book

“Darkly Dreaming Dexter” by Jeff Lindsay

With all the hype for the series about a serial killer who kills other serial killers (and the inspiration for the Showtime TV series), we were expecting great things from Dexter. Alas, the first novel is a grand waste of time. It’s poorly written with plot holes so enormous that Dexter’s ego could actually fit through them. It’s also a book that doesn’t even try to disguise its disrespect for women.

We gave reader 10 damn good reasons to avoid this one.

Favorite Poems

We have been privileged to have published a lot of good poetry from a lot talented poets this year. But two poems really stood out for us in 2007.

Haha…

Alexis Ryan gives us an aggressive, dazzling poem about being a woman in love.

Enjoy it HERE

Quiet Contemplations in my Hometown Church on Christmas Eve

Poet Jess Myers has a wicked wit – and her autobiographical poems are brutally honest and riveting for readers. This one simply dazzles.

Enjoy it HERE

Our Favorite “Best Of” Lists

The 12 Coolest Women in Rock History

What’s not to like about a list that includes rock goddess Joan Jett and Garbage vixen Shirley Manson? Women rock!

Channeling our inner 12-year-old, we picked out the five games that stole most of our quarters in the 1980s when local newspapers used to write scathing editorials about how mall arcades were nothing short of serial killer breeding grounds.

Our list of 18 awful bands that should be erased from rock history. Caused quite a stir on several Internet music forums because we included Radiohead on the list.

Best Movie

“Eastern Promises”

How can a movie that features a naked knife fight in a steam room be bad? It can’t. David Cronenberg has created a nightmarish, brutally violent gangster movie. Viggo Mortensen (who could have been forever typecast as Aragorn from the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy) delivers one of the finest performances of the year as the mysterious Nikolai – a Russian immigrant to London who works as a driver for the son of a Russian mafia godfather. The movie is visually stunning and not for those who can’t handle ultra violence. But the real achievement is the acting – especially the crackling chemistry between Mortensen and Naomi Watts.

Worst Movie

“The Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer”

Sometimes the option of sticking your head into a used public toilet is better than watching a movie. That’s how utterly amazingly terrible this sequel is: not that the first “Fantastic Four” movie was any good to begin with. But how is it possible to make two duds in a row? Can a third possibly be in the cards? One hopes not. The problems are many – from plot to writing to acting (Chris Evans is insufferable as Johnny Storm). But the worst part of the film is watching Ioan Gruffudd as Reed Richards and Jessica Alba as Sue Storm trying to feign a loving relationship. These two actors have such a limited range that cardboard cut-outs could have ignited more passion on the screen.

Biggest Disappointment – Movie

“I Am Legend”

Zombies, last man in the world, gun fights, explosions – and a deserted New York City. Plus the whole movie is based on a respected science fiction classic. How could this not work? The movie begins with such promise. The plot begins to unfold just like the Richard Matheson novella. Matheson’s premise was that his hero (played by Will Smith) – the last survivor of a plague the killed mankind and turned them into hordes of vampires – has become a monster to the vampires. He, in fact, becomes the stuff of legends: thus the name of the novel. But the Smith vehicle copes out and the last 20 minutes of the movie descends into bad cliché.

Here are our thoughts on Matheson’s novel.

Biggest Disappointment #2 – Movie

“Number 23”

The trailers for “Number 23” gave us jitters. The movie looked like a twisted whodunit – with horror movie thrills. They should have hired the director of the trailer to make the rest of this car bomb of a film. “Number 23” is dog vomit on a popsicle stick. What should we expect about a mystery involving a dog catcher? Basically, the usually reliable Jim Carrey reads a book about a detective obsessed with the number 23 – and decides the book is about him. The leaps of creditability and coincidence to make the plot work are like a three-year-old trying to use a hammer to insert the square peg into the round hole. It’s enough to make a grown man moan.

Our Three Favorite Interviews

We interviewed more than 30 scholars, musicians, authors, and other experts on a variety of topics this year – from ants to ghosts. But our three favorites (and it was close) were:

Friday the 13^th

Black Washer and Brenna O’Brien run the fan site about the Friday the 13^th films at Fridaythe13thFilms.com. Who knew that there could be such passion and knowledge about Jason Voorhees – the hockey mask wearing psycho killer?

Led Zeppelin

Paul Sinclair, the lead singer of Get the Led Out, a Led Zeppelin tribute band, showcased his love of Led Zeppelin music and insight into why Zeppelin’s music remains so timeless. Besides, he loves to sing “Babe I’m Gonna Leave You” in concert.

Dracula

Academic Elizabeth Miller looks so – well normal. But she happens to be the world’s most knowledgeable scholar on Dracula. She answered questions about Bram Stoker’s novel and its incredible impact on literature, movies, and on Western culture.

Our Favorite Under God’s Right Arm Column

“The Cult of Darwinism”

Reverend Colson Crosslick (yes, we’re related to the pious old cleric through marriage to one of our aunts) of Ripsaw, Arkansas, has stirred the passions of liberals and conservatives alike with his fiery right-wing Christian columns. He saves his best stuff for attacking Darwin (and Nathan Lane) and this column really shows off his incredible reasoning and intellect.

The Trouble with Mormonism

Mitt Romney finally talked about his religions beliefs – but he didn’t cut to the bone about the weird and crazy beliefs held by the Mormon religion. We do that for him.

A Vote for Labor

Corporate America has done a remarkable job of demonizing the union worker. And so far the most aggressive and successful public relations plan in history has worked. Union membership is down – and so are salaries and benefits. Congratulations!

Banning Harry

We’re not fans of the Harry Potter novels (unless they are being read by children), but we’re certainly not for banning them because they contain magic. Hey, didn’t the Iliad have magic in it?

Labels: Dark Party, Essay, literature, Movies, Under God's Right Arm

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By Rev. Colson Crosslick

I often hear Christians complain about the alleged “commercialization” of Christmas – as if giving gifts to your loved ones was some kind of high crime. These ridiculous complaints are usually accompanied by a pining for a simpler Christmas – one based on goodwill, friendship, and family.

Forgive me for rolling my eyes in utter disgust.

Christians obviously forget that Christmas marks the birthday of Jesus Christ and that on this remarkable day he was visited by the Three Kings (also called the Maji) who were bearing gifts! To set the record straight: here is the passage from Matthew 2:10-11

“When they saw the star, they were overjoyed. On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold and of incense and of myrrh.”

As you can see the Maji honored Jesus by delivering to him a stack of goodies (myrrh, by the way, is a fancy way of saying “perfume”). Why? Because it was his birthday and who goes to a birthday party without a gift? A rude person for one (or Nathan Lane)!

It is unfortunate that recently many Christians have been conned by the far radical leftwing of the Democratic Party into believing that Christmas has become a day of crass commercialization and materialism.

Little do they realize is that it was always so!

If you are familiar with the tale of Jesus’ birth as related in the Gospels of Matthew and Luke then you would know that gift giving is a crucial component of this most Christian of holidays. Giving a gift to a loved one on Christmas is a traditional way to celebrate the holiday – it isn’t being greedy or commercial. It’s being Christian.

Was the baby Jesus being a greedy pig for accepting the wonderfully scented perfume from the Three Kings? Of course not! He happily accepted the gift and was probably the best smelling kid in Bethlehem!

So it is curious that some Christian sects have fallen into this trap and spend too many cycles decrying Santa Claus and the idea of buying presents at Christmas. They obviously don’t know their history or their Bibles.

The pseudo-Christian cult of Jehovah’s Witnesses are the most outspoken critics of Christmas and refuse to celebrate the holiday – which is akin to slapping the baby Jesus in the face! But then again Jehovah’s Witnesses believe that 144,000 people will be saved during the coming Armageddon (despite the fact that there are more than 16 million Jehovah’s Witnesses worldwide – so there’s going to be some mighty disappointed JWs when the end of days comes!).

There’s another reason to buy gifts at Christmas as well – and that doesn’t have anything to do with being Christian, but has to do with being a red-blooded American. Retailers across this great country depend on Christmas sales to meet their numbers. A solid selling season during Christmas is what often puts these enormous conglomerates in the black for the year.

Do you want to see Wal-Mart go out of business? Do you want to see Best Buy with plywood across its display windows? Do you want Sears to move to another town? Well then you need to do your patriotic duty and buy, buy, buy during the Christmas season. This is what keeps our American economy humming along! We have the best stuff in the world – and this is part of what makes us a mighty nation.

So as you can see buying gifts for friends and family at Christmas makes you a stronger Christian by connecting you with the true spirit of Jesus and it also enables you to make the United States an economic powerhouse.

So don’t just buy your father one gift – buy him two! Buy stocking stuffers! Give gifts to the mailman and the babysitter (and your local pastor)! Forget about budgets and use your credit cards if necessary!

Remember – it is the Christian and American thing to do!

(The Rev. Colson Crosslick is pastor of the Pretty Good Shepherd Church in Ripsaw, Arkansas. He often goes over his credit card limit when buying lots and lots of Christmas gifts for his family and friends. He also writes the regularly appearing column Under God's Right Arm for DaRK PaRTY.)

Read the Good Reverend's thoughts about Halloween here

Labels: Christianity, Christmas, Shopping, Under God's Right Arm

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By Rev. Colson Crosslick

In the 1980s there were several Halloween incidents in which innocent children were brutally murdered by liberal Satanists handing out poisoned candy and apples riddled with razor blades. Children literally perished on the streets!

This is just one of many reasons why Christians should boycott Halloween – a national anti-Christian holiday that celebrates evil, the devil, and witchcraft (It’s also a holiday that promotes drunkenness and wantonness in college kids).

Recently, some left-wing media types have tried to debunk the reality of tampered candy on Halloween claiming there are no creditable evidence of this ever happening. Don’t let these alleged “facts” get in the way. I happen to know first hand that these cases are true because I read about them on the Internet.

So if the life of your child isn’t enough of a reason to avoid Halloween then maybe you should also consider your soul. Think logically. Would Jesus condone a holiday symbolized by ghosts, goblins, witches, and orgies? If you need further proof – look no further than the Holy Bible:

“Don't participate in the things these people do. For though your hearts were once full of darkness, now you are full of light from the Lord, and your behavior should show it! For this light within you produces only what is good and right and true.

Try to find out what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, rebuke and expose them. It is shameful even to talk about the things that ungodly people do in secret.” (Ephesians 5:7-12)

While Halloween isn’t mentioned by name in this passage of scripture, it refers to pagan rituals. Halloween, as any educated person knows, originated as a Pagan celebration of darkness – a time when the spirit world and the real world became one. Celtic druids would dance around bonfires and toss babies into the flames in order to pay tribute to their vile gods. The druids – mostly robust, muscular men – would then have a homosexual orgy and howl at the moon with unrelenting passion.

As you can plainly see this is behavior for a Hollywood movie set, not for good Christians! When Christians are lulled into the belief that Halloween is simply a secular holiday and harmless fun for children, they are falling into a trap. Let your guard down here and you might as well start buying your children licorice-flavored condoms and crack pipes.

So what should a good Christian do on Halloween? Here are five family filled fun activities to participate in rather than dressing up like a whore or a pirate to beg for poisoned candy at your neighbor’s house.

· Go to your church and worship Jesus Christ

· Hold a pumpkin carving contest with your kids using Bible themes. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a pumpkin carved to look like Moses smiting the Egyptians!

· Decorate your house with crucifixes and hand out pamphlets filled with Bible sayings to the children of misguided parents who clearly don’t understand that they are setting their children on the road to Hell.

· Hold a Noah’s Ark costume party and have all the Christian children come dressed up like different animals that were on the ark – including baby dinosaurs, bald eagles, and kangaroos!

· Hold a fundraising party for a local Christian charity. You can serve Jell-O and hand out lollipops while raising money for those less fortunate.

Some of my parishioners think my stance on Halloween is extreme. But in the eyes of God, celebrating Halloween would be the same thing as worshipping pagan gods, reading comic books or attending a service at a Synagogue. In other words, Halloween is a sin. Celebrate at your own risk!

(The Rev. Colson Crosslick is pastor of the Pretty Good Shepherd Church in Ripsaw, Arkansas. In the past, he has called for a boycott of not only Halloween, but Labor Day. He also writes the regularly appearing column Under God's Right Arm for DaRK PaRTY.)

Labels: Halloween, Under God's Right Arm

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By: Rev. Colson Crosslick

The greatest threat to Christianity today isn’t homosexuality (although it may be a close second). Nor is it the runaway train of sex, drugs, and loose morals being pumped out as movies and video games from Hollywood. Heck, it's not even those crazy Mormons.

It is, my friends, Darwinism.

This misguided “theory” has migrated from the intellectual corners of the scientific community to the streets of mainstream America resulting in a movement toward atheism – or as I like to call it “God Hating.” Don’t you long for the days when non-believers and heretics kept their ignorance to themselves? Or for when good, God-fearing Christians were allow to burn these demon seeds at the stake?

Unfortunately, those gracious days are behind us. Now we are faced with an onslaught of God Haters like authors Daniel Dennett (“Breaking the Spell”) and Richard Dawkins (“The God Delusion”). Part of me feels bad for these alleged intellectuals (Dennett is a philosopher – whatever that means! – and Dawkins is a biologist) because they will be burning in hell for all of eternity.

Bring some marshmallows, boys!

Both of them argue that God does not exist and that the human need for religion is some kind of biological impulse gone awry. Clearly both men have not read the Bible – the word of God. Hard to argue that God doesn’t exist when he left us a very heavy tome filled with his wisdom. Note to Dennett and Dawkins – you can find the Bible in any book store in the country (and in just about every hotel room!).

There you can read this nugget from Matthew: “Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchers, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness.” (Matthew 23:27)

I think that about says it all! For Christians out there who have done a good job of avoiding science in favor of home-schooling and religious studies allow me to give you a crash course in Darwinism.

Charles Darwin was a bald scientist with very bushy sideburns (you should see pictures of the guy – what a puss!). He wrote a book called “The Origin of Species” that many science and fact-based people believe explains evolution and how humans, animals, plants, and insects came into being. The book is very boring, but it argues that organisms gradually evolve through a process called natural selection. Natural selection is the theory (which is a fancy way of saying “guess”) that individual organisms struggle to survive and those with the best or most favorable characteristics will be more likely to survive. As a result, those favorable traits will be passed onto their offspring and become the dominant characteristics among organisms. Blah, blah, blah.

It’s this outlandish and wildly irresponsible theory where Darwin believes that monkeys evolved into human beings. What’s next? Ants that evolve into talking lions? How about the dinosaurs becoming birds? According to nut jobs like Dawkins and Dennett, Nathan Lane could evolve into a non-gay man.

You can almost see God rolling his eyes in heaven over this ridiculous notion. Scientists want us to put their trust in them – but aren’t they the ones who developed the nuclear bomb and can’t even figure out a good diet?

The problem with Darwinism (and the science it is based on) is that it often relies too broadly on facts rather than on common sense. Where I come from, we go by the old saw “Keep It Simple Stupid.” In other words, the simple solution or answer is usually the right one. So let me ask all of you, which scenario is more likely:

Scenario #1

Life evolved slowly over hundreds of million years with animals and plants branching off into different species and sub-species as they began to react and modify their traits to adapt to their environment. The stronger traits – the ones that helped them survive best – dominated and the weaker characteristics simply died out. The result was a natural balance where plants, animals, insects all live, thrive and, prey on each other in a complicated and complex eco-system. From this system, humans eventually evolved from apes over millions of years.

Scenario #2

An all-mighty, all-knowing, all-powerful Supreme Being created the universe in six days. He created man in his image from a mold made of dust and breathed life into him. From man’s rib, he created woman and then put them in the Garden of Eden on Earth. All of us originate from this first pair of human beings.

I know, I know, the second scenario has a certain poetry to it, but it also rings true. You can feel its truth! The first scenario is just silly. Do you know how many things had to fall into place for man to be created? Lots of them. You’d have a better chance of winning the lottery!

No wonder Darwinism is a theory – and not even a good one.

I’ve developed a new habit. Every time I hear someone blabbing on about Darwinism – I send them a Bible. Maybe I should do the same for Dennett and Dawkins. Then, maybe, they’ll learn something.

(The Rev. Colson Crosslick is pastor of the Pretty Good Shepherd Church in Ripsaw, Arkansas. In the past, he has called for a boycott of all books except the Bible. He also writes the regularly appearing column Under God's Right Arm for DaRK PaRTY.)

Labels: Darwin, Under God's Right Arm

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