Labels: 12 Signs, Corporate, Humor, Work Ethic

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Labels: Corporate, John Wayne, Parody

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By Rev. Colson Crosslick

What could be a more innocent toy than Legos?

That’s what I used to think before I did some research.  Did you know that Lego was founded and is still headquartered in Denmark, one of the socialist bloc countries in communist-controlled Scandinavia?  We all know what the Danes are about – free sex, nude beaches, and women who don’t shave their armpits!

In other words, Denmark is a nation full of filthy liberals.  

So is it any surprise that these “progressives” have founded a company that has a subversive anti-Christian agenda?  Of course not.  This is how the liberal underground operates – especially in places like Denmark!

Lego, as should be evident by now, is a trap toy for Christian parents.  They suck you right in.  Christian folks think they are buying a series of interlocking blocks of various shapes and sizes.  These blocks can be used to build churches, angels, the Garden of Eden, and even Jesus dying on the crucifix.  They seem harmless!

Where’s the injury?

Well, how about a series of Lego toys that promotes and symbolizes rape, sodomy, murder, thievery, kidnapping, torture, poor hygiene, and bad dental habits?

I’m talking about one of Lego’s most popular products: Lego Pirate.  It was launched in 1989, discontinued, but has been revived after the success of the horrid and anti-Christian “Pirates of Caribbean” movies (produced by a company founded on greed – Walt Disney, but that’s a column for another day).

It is amazing that an alleged “toy” company could actually celebrate pirates – among the most brutal criminals in history.  Good Christians should keep far away from pirates and not allow their children to play with any toys – never mind Legos – that depict these scoundrels.

Allow me to give you a brief history of piracy – a history that Lego doesn’t want you to know!

• Blackbeard, one of the most notorious pirates, created a flag for his ship that depicted the devil holding an hourglass in one hand and stabbing a spear into a bleeding heart with the other.  Can you imagine anything more anti-Christian?  The commies over at Lego had a pirate figurine created in honor of Blackbeard called “Redbeard.”

• An old time author named Robert Louis Stevenson wrote a despicable novel called “Treasure Island” that features pirates, murder, drinking, and the kidnapping of a young, nubile boy by rough tattooed (and sometime bare-chested) buccaneers.  Lego, of course, thinks this is a good thing and has a toy named after this seedy, sexually graphic novel.

• The historical pirate Black Bart had two flags made in his honor.  One of them showed him holding hands with Death and the other showed him standing on two skulls and holding a dagger.  Lego has a series of skeleton figures wearing pirate caps that resemble the Grim Reaper.  These creepy figurines are made for children under the age of 10!

• Captain Jack Sparrow, a ruthless and cunning pirate, may have been gay.  If you look closely at the Lego figurine Captain Roger (who has an eye patch, a hook for an arm, and a wooden stump for a leg) you can see a homosexual glimmer in his expression – just like Jack Sparrow probably had!
  

Lego should be ashamed of itself.  It’s bad enough that the company is run by crazy Danish socialists, but do they have to subject our children to savage pirates?  What’s next for Lego – a series on notable 20^th century serial killers?  Hey, kids here’s a figurine of John Wayne Gacy dressed as a clown and sodomizing little boy and Ted Bundy performing necrophilia on a dead college girl!

Wow, I hope I haven’t given them the idea for their next Christmas toy!

Do the right thing.  Boycott Lego and boycott all pirate toys.  Don’t wait until your children cut off their hand so they can insert a hook and then use it to kill the neighbor’s son – just because Lego made them think it was “cool.”

(The Rev. Colson Crosslick is pastor of the Pretty Good Shepherd Church in Ripsaw, Arkansas.  In the past, he has called for a ban against Walt Disney for promoting pirate movies.  He also writes the regularly appearing column Under God's Right Arm for DaRK PaRTY.)

More of Rev. Crosslick's intellectual insights:

The Disease of Liberalism

Bringing Intelligence Back to Science

Dungeons & Dragons: Satan's Game

Labels: Corporate, Lego, Parody, Under God's Right Arm

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Her words have stayed with me. We often forget to do just that – don’t we?

We forget a lot of things in this hectic, technology-driven world that most of us are submerged in. We forget that we are human beings first – and everything else -- software engineer, business consultant, attorney, writer – second.

The most crucial parts of our days are not attending meetings, writing reports, creating new code, or meeting with clients. The really important parts of our day have become invisible to us – because we take them for granted.

What are those things?

Well how about breathing? How often do we remember to take deep breathes and replenish ourselves? Breathing deeply – and correctly – can reduce stress, calm frayed nerves, and relax the body. Yet we often rumble through the day without taking time aside to make sure we’re getting enough oxygen.

How about eating? We’re a nation of eating disorders with anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa leading the pack. Our overeating has become frightening – and even deadly.

“Since the mid-seventies, the prevalence of overweight and obesity has increased sharply for both adults and children. Data from two surveys show that among adults aged 20–74 years the prevalence of obesity increased from 15 percent (in the 1976–1980 survey) to 32.9 percent (in the 2003–2004 survey,” according to a report by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Yet eating may be the most abused aspect of our daily lives. Most of us (I’m talking broadly here) have plenty to eat, but usually eat on the run or as an afterthought during a busy day. Many of us skip meals when we’re too busy. Or else, we carve out the time to grab a sandwich or hamburger and then gobble it down as quickly as possible between meetings.

This type of behavior leads to overeating and last resort options: pre-packaged and processed foods or fast food at restaurants specializing in cheap fried fare.

How about exercising regularly? Only 50 percent of men and 47 percent of women report getting enough exercise, according to the CDC. And those rates are up, but the report noted that many people lie when talking about how much exercise they actually get.

How about sleep? We’re turning into a nation of sleep zombies. The average adult needs at least 8 hours of sleep a night, but on an average work night sleeps 6 hours and 40 minutes, according to recent survey by the National Sleep Foundation.

We’ve chronicled our national exhaustion before in our essay “Exhausted America,” but it bears repeating that more than 70 million Americans now suffer from sleeping problems, according to the Institute of Medicine.

These important activities keep us alive and healthy, yet often take a backseat to things like returning emails, watching television, and attending workshops. How often do we make these critical parts of being alive – and healthy – a priority?

Being gentle with yourself means putting your own well being first. To eat when you are hungry and to eat food that is healthy for you. It means taking time to breathe – to slow down and be aware of you and your body. To sleep when we are tired and to exercise at least three times a week.

When you begin to be gentle with yourself – you can start to be gentle to others.

Read our essay on the threat of bottled water

Read our poem "Shut-Up"

Labels: Corporate, Essay, Health

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The noise you associate with the overhead heating and cooling ducts? It’s really the sound of your soul being vacuumed into oblivion. It’s your dreams, your potential, your individuality, and your character being sucked away by your corporate slave masters.

Take a good look around you, Office Worker. Is there any more depressing place to work than a modern corporation? You work in a cookie-cutter office park (on the outskirts of a major city) among a rabbit warren of cubicles and conference rooms. Oh, look a coffee station! Try not to notice the dried, speckled sweat stains on the toilet seat.

Listen to numbing silence that ultimately will be the doom of you. Every sound is amplified – the click-clack of keyboards, the squeak of chair seats, the soft ringing of telephones, and (if you concentrate) the silent screams of your co-workers.

But it is the ventilation system that provides the soundtrack for office buildings – call it “White Noise of Despair.” That unhealthy hum combined with the harsh overhead lighting that leaves no doubt about your current situation – you’re in a cage. No fresh air (when is the last time you felt a breeze at work?). No natural light.

Zoo monkeys have larger spaces.

This unnatural environment stifles creativity and self-expression and promotes conformity and obedience – two attributes most rewarded by corporations (even your precious start-ups you deluded techies). How else to get supposedly highly education people to ensconce themselves in prison cells all day? You bribe them with paychecks (and a subsidized cafeteria). Those that knuckle under fastest get the cash bonuses.

And here is the best part. Give them gadgets (make them shiny and with lots of buttons). Call them Treo and Blackberry or iPhone. Give them laptops and beepers. If you web-enable everything, these toadies will actually continue to work after they’ve left the office. They’ll become like Pavlov’s Dogs and start to drool every time their mobile or wireless device beeps, hums, or vibrates.

The buffoons actually believe you are rewarding them with these devices and they will pay back your generosity by working at home – for free.

Isn’t it amusing that we once thought mineshafts were dangerous? Ha! Ha! Ha! How about these corporate offices! No fresh air – just recycled air pushed through chemically treated ducts. Everything – the chairs, desks, cubes – made of polymers (basically hardened chemicals). Then add the wires, the LDC screens, LANS, servers, telephones, and wireless networks to give the already stale polluted air a tinge of electricity.

Is it any wonder that they weaken and die from cancer, heart disease, and brain aneurysms?

Then ramp it up. Increase expectations, set unrealistic deadlines, pile on the work, and watch how jumpy they get. Watch their eyes get bloodshot, their asses get itchy, and they’re tempers flare (at each other no less!).

But don’t worry, Friend. Go back to work. The feeling in pit of your stomach will go away soon. You can watch TV later.

Oh, look, an email from the boss…

Read our Notes from a Corporate Meeting

Read How to be an Office Drone

Labels: Corporate, Parody

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Dear Tiffany:

First, I want to apologize for saying you dress like a prostitute. It was a lame attempt at humor. I had a long, informative meeting with our human resources director and she correctly educated me about the fashion sense of young people. So I now understand that your hip-hugging jeans that show off your cranberry thong and your tight, belly shirt that reveals the butterfly tattoo on your lower back is just a generational interpretation of casual Friday. Does it really matter that the hookers around Fort Dix dressed the same way 20 years ago? Our human resources director tells me no.

But you know me! As our human resource director explained: I’m always using humor to shield my own “insecurities” – whatever that psycho babble means. Unfortunately, some of my jokes fall flat. By flat, I mean, lackluster, not you know, any reference to your breasts. I mean you aren’t flat at all, quite the opposite, in fact. Not that I would ever notice the ample size of your surgically enhanced breasts even though you wear your shirt unbuttoned down to your navel most days. Not that there’s anything wrong with that either. Our human resources director told me that black, lace bras are considered a crucial fashion accessory these days, even if they appear to be two sizes too small. Hey, I’m just a 50 year old department head. What do I know about fashion?

Second, I want to also apologize for saying you were an “unintelligent feces” or something to that effect. I realize that you are a recent graduate of Mount Ida Community College – even though some people – not our human resources director – might argue that a two-year degree from a second-rate community college shouldn’t really count as having a “college” degree. But that is beside the point. Any responsible manager should not insult a subordinate even if said subordinate deleted a crucial client presentation an hour before the client meeting. Not even if said subordinate was only supposed to make color copies of the presentation – a simple task, especially for a “college” graduate. All you had to do was hit one lousy button, but maybe you couldn’t see with all that dyed black hair in your eyes.

I will, no doubt, have to try and make up for the colossal waste of time and money to the client, who flew in from Pittsburgh for the meeting. Does it really matter that I will have to write the presentation from scratch and that this endangers a $1 million account? Not according to the policies we have in place – which was read to me by our human resources director. A responsible manager shouldn’t erupt into a rage and insult the fashion sense and intelligence of a new junior member of our corporate family.

As our human resource director kindly reminded me: we are trying to foster a safe and friendly work environment here. A place where people can dress like sluts and act like fucking retards. So, even despite my outburst, you should fit in nicely around here.

Sincerely,
Chuck

-------------------------------------------

To: Chuck McCutcheon
From: Tiffany Gosselin
CC: Human Resources Department
Subject: RE: A Sincere Apology

whatever… and dream on…my melons r 100% natrual...

--------------------------------------------

To: Chuck McCutcheon
From: Human Resources Department
CC: Tiffany Gosselin
Subject: RE: RE: A Sincere Apology

Chuck, please come to my office immediately.

Betty Grables
Human Resources Director

Labels: Corporate, Parody

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“What? What did you just say?”

“Have a nice day!”

“Have a nice day? Have a nice day! Really? You want me to have a nice, fucking day, eh? Is there a more ridiculous request you could make of me? Huh? Look outside, pal, its 87 degrees in New England in April. By August we’re going to be frying like eggs. Global warming! The ice caps are melting, hurricanes are battering our coasts, and the temperatures are heading to Mercury like levels. In the next 10 years, we’re going to be living underwater and swimming to work.

Work! Ha! I work 60 hours a week and most weekends. You think you got it tough behind that register? I've got meetings, emails, reports, more meetings, presentations, deadlines, and more goddamn meetings. I’ve got clients who would just as soon as stick a letter opener through my eye than deign to have lunch with me. But they want more, more, more – faster, faster, faster.

I’ve got a cell phone and a Blackberry and IM and a laptop and Web access. I’ve got more shit on my belt than Batman. I’m working all the time – in taxis, on airplanes, in my kitchen. I’m flipping through emails while I’m taking a shit. I’m always on. They should surgically implant a power chord to my ass like a monkey’s tail. Then I can plug in and recharge all the time. I’ll be a Power Spider Monkey hopping from device to device. I’ll even work for bananas.

And for what? They’re taking away my health insurance. I’m paying like 90 percent of it now and I get to see my doctor on Tuesdays and Thursdays between 1:30 and 1:45 on months that begin with the letter “J.” On my last appointment, my doctor stuck his finger up my rectum and had me piss in a jar. Appointment over! Meanwhile, I’m losing my hair, I’ve got chronic diarrhea (I’m spouting off like a Sperm Whale every damn morning!), and my blood pressure is in code red.

I’ve got no dental insurance, I can’t afford to participate in my 401(K), and I’ve got five lousy sick days a year. I need five sick days a month! I could spend five goddamn sick days filling up my toilet bowl. That’s my life! Have a nice day! Have a nice day!

Don’t give me that look, pal. I know, I know, you think I’m a basket case; that I need a little R&R. But I only get two weeks of vacation a year and I don’t even have time to take that. My last vacation was spent in a semi-coma in a mental health institution in New Hampshire that I was forced to pay out of pocket for because I don’t want my company to know that I needed a fucking “rest.” I should have spent it at a bar drinking myself into a real coma. It would have been cheaper.

My wife wants to divorce me. Did I tell you that yet? Who can blame her? Who wants to be married to a failed middle manager with a gut like vanilla pudding and who can’t maintain an erection for more than five minutes? If it wasn’t for internet pornography, I wouldn’t even have a sex life. I’m more intimate with Stephanie the Horny Housewife than with my wife. In fact, I love Stephanie! I adore her for $5.95 a month.

And my kids? They hate me. My 15-year-old daughter thinks I’m a loser. She rolls her eyes so much she may have brain damage. My 13-year-old boy is addicted to PlayStation. I’m not even sure he can speak or walk. All he does is grunt and eat Hot Pockets.

And that’s why I’m here. I’m just here to buy some sausage and pepperoni pizza Hot Pockets. Okay? Is that all right? Can I come in here to buy some fucking food without having a nice, goddamn day? Is that possible?”

“Um, yes, sir.”

“Good. Can I leave now?’

“Yes, sir, and have a nice day.”

Labels: Corporate, Parody

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Send a resume that claims you’re a people person. Then go sit in a corner and wait for retirement.

Required Uniform

Polo Shirts: It’s best to have a wide range of colors such as plum, peach, salmon, turquoise, and black. They should all have the logos of defunct technology start-ups that no one has ever heard of such as Intrudec, iThunk, eVert, and Shout Magic.

Khaki pants: Of various shades – preferably to ankle length to show off your amazing array of brown and black socks.

Sneakers: Tennis and running sneakers are the favorites. Make sure they are shiny and worn with your colored socks.

Required Habits

Coffee: You must be a coffee aficionado and drink at least four or five cups daily. You will be required to fall into one of two tribes – Dunkin’ Donuts or Starbucks. Everyone is allowed to complain about the single-cup servings available in the office kitchen.

Computer Games: Mastering single shooter and Dungeons & Dragons role-playing games is a must. Be ready to describe the adventures of your half-elf mage/thief to any and all co-workers.

Pornography: This will be your only outlet for sex. Try to be discrete.

Candy: Be prepared to be bombarded with sweets. Eat it all. The sugar rush is the only happiness you will receive most days.

Necessary Skill Set

Screen Reduction: The ability to reduce a window quickly and effortlessly is a necessary skill to hide the fact that you aren’t actually working but posting anti-corporate rants on your blog or in a flame war with DevilDwarf on the Worlds of Warcraft message board.

Complaining: Bitch about everything: your salary, your social life, the commute, the weather, your workload, the new vice president, your cubicle, and your life.

Powerpoint: You must be able to communicate your every thought through bullets.

Environment

Office Parks: You will work in flat-roofed office buildings with no functioning windows and overhead fluorescent lighting. The building will be surrounded by a blacktopped parking lot. Sometimes you’ll be close to a strip mall.

Cubicles: You will live in your cubicle. It’s like a monkey cage at the zoo (only there’s nothing to climb on). Be sure to personalize your cube with Dilbert cartoons, toys and balls, vacation photographs, cute animal magnets, a candy dish, various certificates and internal company awards, and graft from the trade shows you’ll be forced to attend.

Conference Rooms: Be sure to pick the most comfortable chair and one with a view of the world outside of the soul-sucking enterprise where you work. Skills to attending long meetings are the abilities to: fart quietly, disguise growling stomachs with coughing, pounce on food first to avoid soggy sandwiches, and to leave the meeting with absolutely no work.

Cafeterias: Most of the cafeteria workers have criminal records and probably spit in the food. They hate you and your relatively fat paycheck.

Aliments

Chapped Lips/Dry Skin: Offices are drier than deserts. If you don’t drink enough water you will suffer.

Hemorrhoids: Scratching your ass discretely is an acquired skill.

Overweight: You will develop a paunch because you spend all day sitting on your ass and not moving. Wear loose clothing to disguise the fact that you’re a fat, out-of-shape slob.

Attention Deficit Disorder: Email, IM, and cell phones will create an addiction for instant data. You will be unable to focus on one task for long periods of time. You will become impatient with conversations because they take too long. Remember: multi-tasking is just a polite way of saying you have ADD.

Muscle Atrophy: You’ll have strong fingers, but the rest of you will become pale and soft.

Welcome to you new career.

Labels: Corporate, Parody

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Mad Scribblings from a Five-Hour Corporate Meeting

9:05 a.m. – A power point slide show – with lots of graphs. Outside, a construction crew starts up a power generator that sounds like they are crushing gravel.

9:20 a.m. – The presenter keeps misspelling “uncertainty” as “uncertainly” in her slides. Why you would even use this word is beyond me.

9:40 a.m. – I asked a question to stay awake. I’m brilliant because a debate starts. Look at us all try to one-up each other.

9:50 a.m. – Sirens. An ambulance and a fire truck just whipped by. Cool.

9:52 a.m. – The presenter asks one of the people to move their head so she can continue to read her slides. Everyone laughs because she makes a joke about his head being too thick to read through. It’s like living on Comedy Central. Coffee. I need coffee.

9:55 a.m. – Another meeting breakdown. Around the table we go talking about a side point that was raised about a question on the slides. The conversation has nothing to do with the presentation – yet it keeps building momentum. People preface their remarks with: “Not to belabor the point” or “Not to beat a dead horse.” Dead horse. Knowing my luck that will be today’s lunch.

10 a.m. – Has it really been an hour? How many goddamn graphs can you fit on one slide? The presenter is averaging two or three per slide. Bad color schemes as well.

10:10 a.m. – Is there any art less inspiring than conference room art? This room has two prints in the same family – bland reds and blues painted into squares and outlined in black. Random letters are then spread throughout both prints. What was the artist trying to say? Other than – “Look a blandly colored square with the letter “R” on it.” I now want to hunt down and beat the artist with a rusty pipe.

10:20 a.m. – You can’t get this time back. Seriously. It’s gone. Forever.

10:23 a.m. – “He beat that issue like a rug.” Someone just said that.

10:25 a.m. – We have been on this presentation for more than one hour and twenty minutes and we’re only on slide 30. About two minutes and 70 seconds per slide, which is actually not bad.

10:30 a.m. – One of my colleagues has escaped to the rest room. You need two keys to go to the bathroom here. One to get into the john and the second to return to the conference room. It’s like Fort Knox. So when you have to go – you need to request the keys from one of the clients. You might as well stand up and say: “Hey, I’ve got to take a piss.”

10:35 a.m. – One of my colleagues is falling asleep. She’s really struggling with it. Her eyes are lowering and her chin is dipping. When the dip gets too low and her chin hits her chest, she snaps back to attention. Lids are half-mast. Eyes are blood-shot. We may lose her.

10:45 a.m. – Our first break. Thank God. I’m drowning in my own urine. I dive for the keys.

11:05 a.m. – No one wants to start up again so we’re all milling about getting ready for the second presentation of this marathon session. Is there anything more annoying than chit chat before a boring presentation?

11:10 a.m. – I’m zoning out…

11:20 a.m. – More distracting side discussions. I wonder what we’re going to eat for lunch?

11:25 a.m. – Yawns are contagious. A fun game is to yawn and make eye contact with the person across from you. They will yawn. You can’t help but yawn. And soon it spreads like a virus through the room.

11:35 a.m. – We were interrupted by a workman who wants to do some tinkering with the alarm system. Our client said he needs to come back at 2 p.m. when the meeting ends. 2 p.m. It seems like a very long, long time from now.

11:41 a.m. – The sound of traffic drifts in from the closed windows. If you listen closely it can sound like a waterfall.

11:45 a.m. – My colleague seems to have gotten a second wind. She’s sitting up straight and very attentive.

11:47 a.m. – My ass hurts.

11:49 a.m. – There are two exit signs in this conference room. One thermostat. One fire detector. A clock. Two light switches. A small white board. A big plant (fern?). Newspaper clips and the two pieces of art. There’s still no water or food.

11:50 a.m. – Is there a Greek god of lunch?

11:52 a.m. – The food has arrived. Can’t wait to take a large bite of a soggy sandwich!

12:01 p.m. – “Marketing falling on sword” was just uttered. What in god’s name does that mean? When can we eat?

12:08 p.m. – One of the founders came in and now we’re recapping the last three hours. Kill me now.

12:12 p.m. – I’ve grabbed an Italian wrap and a Coke. I am profoundly disappointed by the lack of chips.

12:22 p.m. – We’re going through the slide deck again.

12:34 p.m. – Still recapping…

12:37 p.m. – I wish I had a better pen.

12:48 p.m. – The CEO has walked in. My grave fear is that we’ll now start to recap – again. The CEO made a beeline to the sandwich table. Not much left over there.

12:49 p.m. – “If you’re off 3X you can have Jesus Christ selling your products and it won’t make a difference.” Best quote of the day – so far.

12:55 p.m. – Keep the big dog happy by maintaining eye contact. CEOs love that.

12:57 p.m. – Sigh. We’re now recapping for the CEO. I’m starting to feel the four hours as I fidget. I’m looking at the exit doors with envy.

1:02 p.m. – “Flanking strategy” was used in a sentence.

1:20 p.m. – Still recapping. Why is the CEO always the slowest person in the room?

1:25 p.m. – This is torture. There has not been one original thought expressed in the last four and a half hours. We repeat, repeat, repeat and then we review what we repeat. This meeting should have been one hour – max.

1:29 p.m. – The VP of Marketing is kissing the CEO’s ass. Long speech about how smart and engaged he is. Now everyone around the table is nodding in agreement. So am I.

1:36 p.m. – The CEO left. I hugged him. Then I went to the bathroom. And, yes, I had to borrow the keys to get in and out.

1:42 p.m. – I’m getting giddy. We’ve entered the wrap-up portion of the meeting. This could last five minutes or five hours.

1:44 p.m. – Ass kissing is running rampant.

1:45 p.m. – Another founder has come in for the food. We are starting down a bad recap road. Damn!

1:47 p.m. – The founder has sat down to eat and is babbling. My God – I’m never going to get out of here.

1:50 p.m. – Meeting over. I’ve survived to meet another day!

Labels: Corporate, Parody

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• Three weeks (15 days) of paid vacation
• Six weeks of paid maternity leave for women
• Two weeks of paid paternity leave
• One year of unemployment benefits

Vacation
American workers are exhausted. Europeans and Australians enjoy four weeks of vacation mandated by their governments. In the United States, the average worker receives an average of eight days of vacation – a little over a week. Globalization and technology have made working 9 to 5 obsolete and result in longer hours and more days worked. In this type of hyper-competitive atmosphere, workers need to be protected – and this means making vacation time mandatory.

Well rested workers will increase productivity, create safer working conditions, lower stress related illness, and allow workers to send more time with their families. In our plan to mandate three weeks of vacation for every full-time worker in the U.S., small businesses will be eligible for tax cuts and subsidies to help pay for their workers to take time off. Workers will be encouraged to take the time off – but if they do not, they will be compensated for any vacation time leftover at the end of each year.

Maternity & Paternity Leave
There’s a lot of talk in America about valuing the family – but little action. Just like we lag behind the rest of the industrialized world in vacation time, we fall far short in providing time off for new parents.

In fact, there is no requirement in the United States for paid maternity (never mind paternity) leave of any kind. According to a recent study at Harvard University, out of 168 countries in the world, 163 had some form of paid maternity leave. The U.S. enjoys the company of Swaziland, Lesotho, and Papua New Guinea as the only nations in the study that did not.

Industrial nations are unusually generous (or realistic) when it comes to advocating for parents to be with their children. Canadian women enjoy 14 months of paid maternity leave and in Sweden couples get 16 months of paid parental leave (at 80 percent of salary), according to a recent article in U.S. Today.

If the U.S. is serious about being family first – then we need to start with maternity and paternity leaves. Six weeks is hardly adequate for mothers, but it’s a starting point. This benefit (and the two weeks of paternity leave) will be compensated directly by the government at full pay. Companies will have the option to extend the benefit, of course. Under the plan, the amount of time will be reviewed for an increase every two years.

Unemployment Benefits
The average length of time it takes for an unemployed worker in 2005 to find a job is about 20 weeks. Unemployment benefits in the U.S. last an average of 24 weeks and that’s cutting it much too close – especially when you consider older workers who have a more difficult time finding work.

It’s a ridiculous notion that you can lose unemployment benefits while still actively looking for a job. Why do we want to burden workers with a ticking clock of anxiety as they search for a new job? Twelve months of full benefits is fair and allows people to adequate time to find a new job.

We want to make sure people don't fall into bankruptcy, enter into a spiral of debt, and lose their self-esteem like looking for work. Extended unemployment benefits ensure the dignity of all workers.

Labels: Corporate, Essay, Work Ethic

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In his book “In Praise of Slowness: Challenging the Cult of Speed,” Journalist Carl Honore tried a simple experiment to help down-shift his life from the hyper-speeds of modern living. He decided to obey the speed limit. No more barreling down highways, weaving in and out of lanes, frantic to make it to appointments one or two minutes earlier than if he’d driven slowly and lawfully.

He found it nearly impossible to comply.

With much the same end goal as Honore, I decided to duplicate his experiment. How difficult could it really be to drive slower? I even went one better – I was going to give my fellow drivers the benefit the doubt. Rather than immediately assume the people in the cars next to me were all morons – I’d treat them with the respect and dignity they deserved.

I flamed out after a week – more frustrated than ever.

I’ve been conditioned to drive fast. Being from Massachusetts, reckless driving is hardwired into my DNA. As a former journalist working for a technology consultancy that moved at the speed of the Internet – speed was cultural. A way of life. Even when I focused on traveling at the legal limit, as soon as my mind started to wander, my foot hit the gas pedal and eventually I’d be bombing down the road again.

On those rare occasions when I succeeded in driving slowly, I was in agony. My car felt like it was strapped to a tortoise. I was plodding – stuck in quicksand. My fellow drivers – those impatient morons – despised me. The looks! The sneers and the one-finger salutes! The horn! People giving me the horn!

Better to die in a flaming wreck than be subjected to that.

Slowing down has proven to be more difficult than I imaged. I want to slow down and smell those damn roses. I know taking it down a notch will improve my health, reduce stress levels, and make me happier more patient person. In my quiet moments, I often fanaticize about moving to rural Maine, dropping out of the rat race all together.

I had lunch with a former colleague not long ago. He also works for a high technology company. We found that our work environments were amazingly similar.

Labels: Corporate, Essay, Work Ethic

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