“We're not gay; not that there's anything wrong with that!”
- Jerry Seinfeld

(So you’re watching a movie, munching on popcorn (maybe sneaking a few Raisinets – cause hell chocolate and popcorn rock) and then you feel the hair at the nape of your neck tingling and an odd stirring in the loins. You recognize this as your Gaydar going off like a freakin’ fire alarm. On the screen, quite inexplicably, the actors have gone totally and completely gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that – if the movie was, you know, supposed to be gay. We don’t mean gay as in homosexual either. “Brokeback Mountain,” for example, is a movie about homosexual cowboys, but the actors were cowboys – real men. There are homosexual scenes in the film – but there are no “gay” moments. It’s difficult to describe – so allow DaRK PaRTY to show you what we mean. Here’s our partial list of Unintentionally Gay Moments in Cinema.)

Into the Wild (2007)

Quick Synopsis: The movie is based on the Jon Karkauer’s non-fiction book by the same title. It chronicles the short life of Chris McCandless, a college graduate who gave away his life savings and dropped out of society to live a simple, ascetic life on the road. He died in Alaska while trying to live off the land.

The Offending Actors: Emile Hirsch and Hal Holbrook

The Gay Moment: McCandless (Hirsch) meets a retired widower named Ron Franz (Holbrook) while camping out in the desert. The two strike up a fast friendship. At one point, the 23-year-old McCandless and the 70-year-old Franz take a gondola ride up the side of a mountain. They turn towards each other and suddenly gaze lovingly at one another. The scene just lingers like a peeping Tom at the toilet window. One imagines the scene was trying to capture the bond developing between the two (in a grandfather to grandson kind of way), but it fails miserably. Franz looks like a horny old goat ready to start licking the belly hairs on the nubile flesh of his young ward. It’s… creepy.

Spiderman 3 (2007)

Quick Synopsis: An alien life form takes control of Spiderman’s suit and begins to turn him evil even as he learns that the man who killed his uncle is still at large. That killer, Flint Marko, is transformed into super villain Sandman. Sandman and the alien creature, Venom, team up against Spiderman and his new ally, Green Goblin.

The Offending Actor: Tobey Maguire

The Gay Moment: Green Goblin (James Franco) has been mortally wounded and lies on top of the construction skeleton of a building as Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst) kneels by his side. Spiderman (Maguire) lowers down from his web and lands gingerly on the platform. And then, in one of the most feminine moves since Red Sox pitcher Derek Lowe’s swinging fist pump after his no hitter in 2002, Maguire pitter patters to the Green Goblin’s side and kneels delicately next to him. The movement is so wildly girlish that it whisks you right out of the movie. Instead of the superhero Spiderman, you’re staring at the rather reedy and androgynous Maguire dressed in silly, but very tight, costume. Suddenly you desire soap and a shower.

Return of the King (2003)

Quick Synopsis: The last movie in the Lord of the Rings trilogy has Frodo and Sam hiking to Mount Doom to destroy the one ring as the rest of the fellowship faces off against the armies of darkness in the final battle of good vs. evil.

The Offending Actors: Elijah Wood, Sean Astin, Orlando Bloom, Billy Boyd, Dominic Monaghan, Viggo Mortensen, John Rhys-Davies, and Ian McKellen

The Gay Moment: There’s not much to say here because this may be the seminal moment in all of unintentional gay moments in cinema. It takes place during one of the last scenes when Frodo (Wood) wakes up from a coma. The rest of the fellowship comes prancing into his bedroom like a pack of rabid Nathan Lane clones. They all begin to hug and embrace – and those damnable hobbits start jumping on the bed like they’re at a slumber party with Michael Jackson and Liberace. The only thing missing is the baby oil and trapeze over the bed (see video clip above).

Risky Business (1983)

Quick Synopsis: Joel, a suburban teenager, takes daddy’s Porsche for a spin when his parents are on vacation and crashes it into a lake. In desperate need of fast cash, he ends up turning his parents’ suburban manor into a whorehouse for his buddies.

The Offending Actor: Tom Cruise

The Gay Moment: Joel cranks up the stereo to Bob Seger’s “Old Time Rock n’ Roll” and proceeds to dance about his living in a pink button down shirt, tightie-whities, and white tube socks. He sings into a candle stick and then proceeds to hump a golf club. Awkward (see video clip below).

Pretty in Pink (1986)

Quick Synopsis: A punk girl and outcast at her high school is invited to the prom by one of the popular boys. But the pressure from his preppy friends proves too much and he breaks off the date. She decides to go by herself, but he finally comes around and breaks through the peer pressure to admit his love for her.

Offending Actor: Andrew McCarthy

The Gay Moment: It only just seems like every scene featuring McCarthy (as Blane) is wicked gay in this movie. McCarthy just has that look – the sad puppy dog eyes and that goofy grin. But the really offending scene from “Pretty in Pink” is when McCarthy walks into the record store where Andie (Molly Ringwald) works. He sidles in and lifts up his sunglasses over his glossy raven locks so it looks like a barrette and gives her his stupid-ass grin before squeezing by another male patron – and they actually bump asses. The other patron actually gives McCarthy the once over. And it’s not even surprising. You expect it.

Legends of the Fall (1993)

Quick Synopsis: A colonel raises his sons in the wild of Montana at the turn of the 20^th century. The youngest son brings home his bride to be and soon all three brothers are lusting after here and threatening to tear the family apart. Then the Great War starts.

Offending Actor: Brad Pitt

The Gay Moment: It should be noted that Brad Pitt’s blown dried blond hair is gay throughout the film. However, the really gay moment occurs when Pitt (playing Tristan – the wildest of the boys) comes loping toward his family on a horse. They are with the bride to be and they all pause to admire Tristan as he rides toward them. The youngest brother, Samuel (played by Henry Thomas), stands next to Tristan and gives him an unabashedly admiring glance and then Tristan, wearing a white shirt unbuttoned to his chest and wearing a hemp necklace, tips his cowboy hat to the bride to be (played by Julia Ormand) and – get this – raindrops explode off his hat in a spray. What’s the symbolism here? Eh. It’s like a Dove bar ad done in 1970s porno.

Top Gun (1986)

Plot Synopsis: A wild child nicknamed Maverick goes through the Navy flight school program trying to blaze his own way. He angers almost everyone and nearly quits when his partner dies. But he comes back, saves the day, and everyone comes to love him.

Offending Actors: Tom Cruise, Val Kilmer, Anthony Edwards

The Gay Moment: There are two really, really gay moments in this movie. The first? Volleyball anyone? When four shirtless pilots, including Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer, get all sweaty and start flexing and posing at one another as they as they play beach volleyball. When Val Kilmer spins the volleyball on his finger and gives Cruise a come hither look – well, that’s all she wrote. But it actually gets worse. At the end of the movie as Val and Cruise hug and embrace, Val says: “You can be my wingman anytime.” Cruise says: “Bullshit, you can be mine!” They almost start French kissing right there on the aircraft carrier.

Labels: Homosexuality, Humor, Movies

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