DaRK PaRTY ReVIEW

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

12 Signs That You Might Be A Banker

1. Can no longer afford the luxury of providing free lollipops to customers.

2. Your wife has started making snide remarks behind your back and calls you a “Moneylender.”

3. Pedophile priests have higher approval ratings.

4. Mistakenly thought the federal stimulus package was a personal bonus.

5. You don’t even trust yourself anymore.

6. Hoarding is your new business strategy.

7. Financial crisis? Looks like we need a weeklong brainstorming session in Maui.

8. You rolled out the predictable scapegoat for the financial collapse: poor people.

9. “Loan” is the new four-letter word.

10. Ceased and desisted on allowances to your children.

11. Wish you voted for the Republicans (oh, wait, you did).

12. Your new motto: Fuck Main Street.

12 Signs That You Might Be A Literary Agent

12 Signs That You Might Have Been Laid-Off

12 Signs That You Might Be Edgar Allan Poe

Labels: 12 Signs, Banker, Humor, Politics

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Posted by GFS3 at 12:24 PM.

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Friday, February 13, 2009

What's Up With All the Fat, Naked Guys?

The 9 Worst Guy Naked Scenes of the Last 5 Years

Blame it on Harvey Keitel. In the movie, “Bad Lieutenant” (1992), Keitel played a sociopathic cop with a severe drug problem. In one scene, the high and intoxicated lieutenant staggers around naked and, well, hey, there’s Keitel’s rather wide, hairy body. And his, you know, little jimmy.

Full frontal.

Yeah, we didn’t want to eat our popcorn after that either.

But that opened up the floodgates. Suddenly every actor wanted to show off his sausage factory on screen. But you can understand why actors like Colin Farrell and Bruce Willis strip down to their birthday suits. I mean at least they’re A-list movie star types.

But Will Ferrell? Who wants to see his naked body?

Does anybody (except maybe this guy)?

So despite the risk of being stricken blind and several trips to the restroom to vomit, DaRK PaRTY has compiled our list of the absolutely worst male nude scenes in cinema history.

This is bad naked at its worst.

Will Ferrell, “Semi-Pro” (2008)

The long, sweeping shot of Ferrell lying on a bench wearing nothing but white tube socks and with a red-white-and-blue basketball covering his love missile is nothing short of disturbing. The lyrics mention something about “swamp sweaty” as the camera features a close-up of the nest of tangled fur covering the meaty portions of his belly (see the video above).

Jason Segel, Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)

Jason Segel spends an awful lot of time naked in this 2008 comedy. Too much time. The scene where he’s sitting on a leather couch (ooh, chaffing!) with Kristen Bell – who should have been given hazard pay – is uncomfortable at best and downright scary at worse. Segel has a strange, hairless body – all thigh and torso. At times you think, “Hmm not bad” and then at other points you’re screaming “MY EYES ARE BURNING!”

Adam Sandler, Don’t Mess With The Zohan (2008)

Sandler plays slap the monkey with his golden banana during a twisted beach scene in Zohan. The movie is about an Israeli spy who wants to be a hairdresser and has an unnatural attraction to banging women over the age of 65 (shudder). The scene has Sandler grilling seafood naked as his butt cheeks sink toward the sand. Then he gives his hips a wild shake and you can hear his rootball banging against his belly. It’s more frightening than any scene from “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”

M.C. Gainey, Sideways (2004)

Remember the scene when Paul Giamatti is sneaking out of Cammi’s house and her enormous naked husband chases him through the neighborhood with his swinging warthog? That poor, round, hairy bastard was M.C. Gainey.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Before the Devil Knows Your Dead (2007)

I can understand the pressure Phillip Seymour Hoffman was under. I mean everyone else is naked in the movie. But the others are Ethan Hawke and Marisa Tomei. Phil? What were you thinking? Because oval, pale guys with weight problems and blotchy skin just shouldn’t be naked. Even in the shower.

Tom Hanks, Charlie Wilson’s War (2007)

Tom Hanks may have been able to pull off naked 10 years ago. But now? What was he thinking when he did the hot tub scene in “Charlie Wilson’s War”? We know what we were thinking. Hey, Tom Hanks has man boobies.

Bob Hoskins, Mrs. Henderson Presents (2005)

This British comedy (with heart) is about showgirls during World War II. It’s an exploitive mess that would have disappeared quietly and quickly if not for Bob Hoskins disrobing and giving the shocked audience a full frontal shot of his hamburger helper. We wondered if Bob had been in some terrible accident. Ew!

Terry Bradshaw, Failure to Launch (2006)

This may be one of the most bizarre male nude shots of all time – because there is absolutely no need for it. It’s like it was thrown into the movie to give Terry more screen time. The concept is that Terry’s character wants a “nude” room for himself. And he gets it – wandering around and letting us see it all. Wow. We know he’s gone from NFL quarterback to TV chimpanzee. But this was too much.

Seth Rogan, “Zack and Miri Make A Porno” (2008)

Not just Seth Rogan, but with a pirate beard and thick glasses. Talk about a big, white butt with carbuncles. Whoa Nelly!

Hollywood's Most Awkward Nude Scenes

The 12 Best Actresses in Hollywood

Unromantic Movies: 7 Films That Will Help You Survive Valentine's Day

Labels: Humor, Movies, Nudity

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Posted by GFS3 at 2:26 PM.

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Tuesday, January 27, 2009

DVD Featurette from the Blockbuster Action Flick "Missile Destruction"

Running Film Commentary by Director Tad Goodkin and Movie Star Randy Bullit

Tad: Hellllooo! I’m Tad Goodkin and I wrote and directed “Missile Destruction.”

Randy: Didn’t you produce it, too?

Tad: Indeed. And that, of course, is a man who needs no introduction. He’s one of the greatest and most talented action stars of this or any generation: Randy Bullit.

Randy: Ha, ha! It’s true. But don’t sell yourself short, Tad. Folks, this is a man who has been a nominee for the MTV people’s choice awards two years in a row.

Tad: It’s a very humbling experience. I really take pride in giving people what they want. It’s one of the reasons I decided to create a film like “Missile Destruction.”

Randy: It’s sublime movie. Between the decapitations and gunfights, there is a real message at the heart of the film about humankind’s need for nuclear weapons.

Tad: Nuclear weapons get a bad rap. But without them, we wouldn’t have world peace. I like to think of nukes as a big, giant father watching down on all of us and keeping everyone in line with the threat of violence.

Randy: Violence that will rain down from the heavens. So elegantly put and so very, very, very true.

Tad: This is the opening of the film you’re watching. We decided to open with a scene that establishes the main character’s personality. Randy of course, plays the main character, super spy, Jake Harder, magnificently.

Randy: I love this scene. I wanted to capture Jake’s sociopathic mindset as he deals with these Colombian drug dealers.

Tad: Here comes the machete to the head!

Randy: Love that shot! Like a garden hose of gore! I think we used more blood in that one shot than in the entire film.

Tad: Not quite, but close. I heard that we actually set a record for the amount of fake blood used on a set. That’s not an established fact, but I heard it making the rounds.

Randy: So cool. The kids love blood.

Tad: Now keep in mind that we weren’t trying to make a “bloody” action film – the blood is all in keeping with the artistry of the story.

Randy: Oops, there goes my shirt. I doubled my normal four-hour daily workout routine to get prepared for this film. You can see that it paid off in the way my abs really rippled when I slugged that drug dealer over the head with the pipe.

Tad: I don’t think there’s a more muscular action star in Hollywood. Your body is a national treasure.

Randy: It’s not all about working out either. You need to spend several hours a day posing in front of mirrors to establish your body messages as you move.

Tad: It’s that dedication that makes you such an international super star.

Randy: I do it for the fans. I'm huge in the gay community, you know.

Tad: I should tell everyone that the role of Jake Harder was written specifically for Randy. When I saw you in “Dr. Doom’s Babes” in 2006, I just knew in the deepest part of my soul that we were destined to work together. I still get chills thinking about that performance.

Randy: Yeah, that was a real challenging stretch for me. I played Axel Cage, an FBI agent, with a drinking problem.

Tad: You encapsulated the complexities of the character better than any actor I’ve ever witnessed in my entire life. How you weren’t honored with an Oscar, I’ll never know.

Randy: Well, a lot of people thought the scene where we blew up the pre-school and showed the actual body parts of the kids flying through the air was a little intense.

Tad: But it was necessary for the story!

Randy: Exactly. Oh, here’s the where I first meet Trisha Young, the love interest in “Missile Destruction,” who is played by actress and former Playboy Bunny Audrey Stephanie.

Tad: Audrey was our first choice to play the brilliant MIT physicist Trisha Young. Not only is she one of the most gorgeous women in Hollywood –

Randy: Her sex tape with the rock band Killer Koke Heads is the most downloaded Internet video of all time. Quite remarkable.

Tad: Indeed. But she’s also a college graduate from Cedar Tree Community College, so she had the background to play a college professor.

Randy: I don’t think I’ve every shared the screen with a hotter looking actress. And she’s really excellent at memorizing her lines.

Tad: Here are the first scenes from Iran – which we actually film in Vancouver. That’s character actor Danny Garcia playing the evil terrorist Abba Abba.

Randy: He’s Mexican, but he really looks Arab.

Tad: Actually, he might be Puerto Rican, not that it really matters.

Randy: Exactly. He looks Arab, which is the most important thing.

Tad: Danny took the role way beyond any stereotypes. I love this part when he slices off the hands of his daughter for looking longingly at another man. Really establishes right off the bat that this is not a man to be trifled with.

Randy: Abba Abba was a very complex villain. He was the perfect foil for Jake Harder.

Tad: Here comes the love scene between Jake and Trisha.

Randy: Wow, we sure used a lot of baby oil!

The 12 Best Actresses in Hollywood

Summer Blockbusters Rejected by Hollywood

12 Valuable Lessons From Hollywood

Labels: Humor, Movies, Parody

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Posted by GFS3 at 3:25 PM.

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Monday, December 08, 2008

12 Signs That You Might Have Been Laid-Off

1. Shower? Optional.

2. Suddenly, no more cell phone calls.

3. That empty void? It’s your schedule.

4. Moments of wild euphoria followed by uncontrollable weeping.

5. Free parking in your own driveway.

6. Your new “co-worker” is your three-year-old daughter and the “executive meeting” involves paste and construction paper.

7. Lunch at the soup kitchen: again.

8. Working at Starbucks seems like a dream job.

9. “COBRA” is no longer associated with a dangerous snake.

10. Start to understand how George Bailey in “It’s a Wonderful Life” could contemplate jumping off a bridge for the life insurance payment to his family.

11. Your new office? The coffee shop with free wireless!

12. Free shit on the Internet = this year’s Christmas gifts.

12 Signs That Your Wife Might Be A Superhero

12 Signs That Your Boss Might Be A Zombie

Unintentionally Gay Moments in Cinema

Labels: 12 Signs, Corporate, Humor, Work Ethic

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Posted by GFS3 at 2:00 PM.

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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

12 Signs That Your Wife Might Be a Superhero

1. Lifts the couch off the floor with one hand while vacuuming.

2. Shouts “Avengers Assemble” to get the kids upstairs at bedtime.

3. There’s a skin-tight cat suit in the back of her closet.

4. Some guy named Peter Parker keeps calling.

5. Strange packages from “Stark Industries.”

6. Won’t let you buy a Krypton lock for your bike.

7. Gets mad when you make disparaging remarks about mutants.

8. Likes bats.

9. She keeps saying: “Don’t make me angry. You won’t like me when I’m angry.”

10. Reads the “Daily Planet.”

11. Her “book group” members are Mister Fantastic, Thing, and Human Torch.

12. When you came home late from work last week, she grilled you about your whereabouts after tying you up with the “Lasso of Truth.”

12 Signs Your Boss Might Be a Zombie

Labels: 12 Signs, comics, Humor, superheroes

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Posted by GFS3 at 8:30 AM.

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Monday, November 24, 2008

Thanksgiving Movies Rejected by Hollywood

Why Does Hollywood Refuse to Give Thanksgiving Any Love? Here's Why!

Thanksgiving gets no respect from Hollywood. Halloween, Christmas, and even April Fools Day have gotten movies dedicated to them. But Thanksgiving? Other than "Home for the Holidays" and "Planes, Trains and Automobiles," this most American holiday has been ignored.

DaRK PaRTY, however, was able to get our turkey-greased fingers on a few Thanksgiving motion pictures that were rejected by Hollywood. They seem like perfectly good movies to us. But you decide:

Fangsgiving Day

Beautiful high school senior Sarah (Vanessa Hudgens from “High School Musical 3”) and her dysfunctional family travel to rural Wisconsin for Thanksgiving with their estranged aunt. Once they arrive at the farming outpost, Sarah meets a charming young man named Clive (Shia LaBeouf) at the local 4-H club. The two teenagers fall instantly in love while judging an apple pie baking contest together. There’s only one problem – Clive is a vampire! Clive doesn’t feed on humans, however, but on the blood of turkeys at a large processing plant in town. Can Clive use his centuries of wisdom to help Sarah mend the petty disagreements and old resentments in her family before an evil vampire hunter (a very creepy performance by Robert De Niro) finds Clive? And will Sarah and Clive find true love despite their differences? Find out on Fangsgiving Day!

My Blood-Drenched Thanksgiving

More than 10 years ago in Turkey Cove, a small coastal town in Maine, an animal rights activist went crazy and killed three families who refused to have vegan celebrations on Thanksgiving Day. The killer (played by Robert Pattinson of “Twilight”) has now escaped from a mental institution and is on his way back to his hometown for revenge. His target is Ray Davidson (Thomas Haden Church), the owner of the Turkey Cove Super Saver, the supermarket that supplies the village with their Thanksgiving Day birds. Meanwhile Davidson had invited his extended family to his seaside manor for his annual Thanksgiving Day feast. Among the guests is his pretty teenage daughter Bella (Hayden Panettierre of “Heroes”). As members of Bella’s extended family begin to get hacked apart with an electric carving knife and have their mouths crammed with stuffing, the resourceful high schooler tries to elude the killer and save her immediate family from the same fate.

The Homecoming Game

The 1988 Pittsboro High School football team lost the Thanksgiving Day game against rival Sterling High School despite being heavily favored to win. The loss kept the team out of the state championship and started an extended 20-year losing streak against Sterling. Still unable to cope with the disappointment, former star quarterback Brett (Owen Wilson), now a two-bit loser, organizes a rematch for charity. He enlists his former teammates – star wide receiver (Will Ferrell), now a famous Hollywood actor, and star running back (Vince Vaughn), a homeless drunk, to help in the effort. The problem? The star Sterling quarterback, the obnoxious Jerry (Ben Stiller), is Brett’s boss at the Sterling Used Car Emporium. Can Brett keep his job and beat his boss on the playing field when the two teams – now made up of grumpy middle-aged men – meet for a Thanksgiving Day rematch? And will Brett finally be able to finally win back his high school sweetheart Emma (played by Reese Witherspoon)?

The Gobbler

Jimmy Gullet (voiced by Jack Black) is a turkey raised on one of the largest turkey farms in the country. It’s wonderful home for 364 days of the year anyway! A week before Thanksgiving, Jimmy accidentally overhears the cunning Farmer Blade (voiced by Dustin Hoffman) reveal the fate of Jimmy and thousands of his friends and family – Thanksgiving Day dinners! Jimmy has a week to save everyone at the farm from the axe! Can Jimmy convince his friends Jumpy the Squirrel (Whoopie Goldberg) and Ernie the Cow (John Ratzenberger) to help him organize his fellow turkeys to revolt and takeover the farm from Farmer Blade and his evil minions before the slaughter begins? Or will Jimmy have to take the axe to the farmer himself?

The Case of the Flying Mechanic

Thor: Sex Advice Columnist

12 Valuable Lessons from Hollywood

Labels: Humor, Movies, Parody

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Posted by GFS3 at 10:32 AM.

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Sunday, November 16, 2008

12 Signs That Your Boss Might Be A Zombie

1. The holiday bonus this year is a severed human hand and an accompanying recipe book.

2. His Right Guard deodorant can’t disguise the smell of the grave.

3. She doesn’t blink.

4. Accidentally devoured the business consultant from IBM.

5. During the last staff meeting, her leg fell off.

6. Listed his race in tax documents as “Reanimated Human Corpse-American.”

7. At lunch, he ordered a raw human brain.

8. What’s with the shambling gait and all the moaning?

9. Keeps biting the administrative assistant.

10. Gets choked up when discussing George A. Romero.

11. Adamant that there’s no such thing as a “Zombie Plague.”

12. Insists on being called ZEO.

5 Questions About: Thrillers (an interview with novelist Michael Marshall Smith)

Essay: We All Die

Flame-Outs: 5 Bands That Should Have Been Huge -- But Blew It

Labels: 12 Signs, Horror, Humor, Zombies

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Posted by GFS3 at 8:59 AM.

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Thursday, August 21, 2008

A Slightly Intoxicated Batman Gives Some Frank Career Advice to Aquaman

(Scene: A quiet table in the backroom of Granny Goodness’ Feel Good Saloon in lower Gotham.)

AQUAMAN: Hey, thanks for agreeing to meet with me, Batman.

BATMAN: Yeah, yeah. (To the waitress) Gimme a scotch and make it a double, sweetheart. (Watching the waitress leave) Is she new?

AQUAMAN: I don’t know.

BATMAN: Christ, she’s got a tighter ass than Catwoman. And, dude, you can bounce a bat-a-rang on that bootie. Have you seen the latest Hollywood returns?

AQUAMAN: Ah, no.

(The waitress delivers Batman’s drink. He winks at her and she rolls her eyes.)

BATMAN: $440 million gross for “The Dark Knight.” Can you believe that shit? They fucking love me.

AQUAMAN: Wow.

BATMAN (Slurping his drink): Wow? Wow? Who are you to judge? When’s the last time they made a movie about Aquaman?

AQUAMAN: Two years ago!

BATMAN: Two years… Wait a minute! You’re not counting that piece of shit made for TV movie? I’m talking about Hollywood… movie theaters. You get me? And I’ve got the real answer for you – NEVER!

AQUAMAN: Hey, come on. The lead actor Justin Hartley wasn’t half bad.

BATMAN (Laughing): He was better playing Green Arrow in “Smallville.” Way better. “The Dark Knight” is my sixth movie since 1989. George Clooney played me! Fucking Val Kilmer.

AQUAMAN: You’ve made your point.

BATMAN: I’m the balls. Who’s bigger than me?

AQUAMAN: Spiderman?

BATMAN: Spiderman? Bug boy? Robin could kick his skinny, whiny ass.

AQUAMAN: All right. You’re hot. Bigger than Superman.

BATMAN (Snickering): I know. It kills him. Man of Steel. Did you watch “Superman Returns?” Holy shit did that suck! Is there a more boring villain than Lex Luthor? Come on, people! Lex Luthor?

AQUAMAN: Listen this is kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.

BATMAN: What? Movies?

AQUAMAN: Well, you know, image.

BATMAN: You mean like being the Dark Knight or the King of the Sea?

AQUAMAN: What’s wrong with King of the Sea?

BATMAN (Laughing): It sounds like a bargain brand of tuna fish. Look at yourself! For Christ sake you’re wearing a yellow shirt with scales and lime green pants.

AQUAMAN: Hey, Robin wears yellow.

BATMAN: You see Robin here? Huh? Has Robin been in any of my movies lately? The freak. You think he gets any tail wearing those stupid shorts? Yellow? What kind of superhero wears goddamn yellow? Not even the broads wear yellow.

AQUAMAN: Wonder Woman has a golden lasso.

BATMAN: Wonder Woman has gravity defying tits. And she doesn’t wear yellow, douche bag.

AQUAMAN: Is that kind of language necessary?

BATMAN: You just don’t get it. You’re vanilla, man, totally vanilla.

AQUAMAN: So I should wear black then?

BATMAN: Did I tell you to copy me? Why not silver? Silver is cool. Or even like a deep purple.

AQUAMAN: That’s it then? I’ll get a movie if I wear purple?

BATMAN: I didn’t say that. Dude, you talk to fish.

AQUAMAN: So? Telepathy is one of my powers. I’ve got enhanced strength and speed. I can breathe underwater and dehydrate people. That’s pretty cool.

BATMAN: Big deal.

AQUAMAN: Hey, you don’t even have super powers! You’re just a guy.

BATMAN (Shrugs): It’s about attitude. Style.

AQUAMAN: Style?

BATMAN: Water just isn’t cool. Aquaman? Please! Your name sounds like some kind of yuppie water filter. You hear what I’m saying? Now Batman! Jesus, I get chills!

AQUAMAN: So a silver costume and a new name?

BATMAN: Yeah. How about Water Demon? Or Sea Fury?

AQUAMAN: I don’t know.

BATMAN: Or Liquid Lord. Makes you sound like a fucking Greek God.

AQUAMAN: Aquaman has history though.

BATMAN (Standing): Whatever. Keep your stupid name and your ballerina outfit. I’ve got a date with Poison Ivy and I’m late. Swim home to your goldfish and try not to “dehydrate” anyone on the way.

AQUAMAN: Ah… all right. We still on for poker Monday night with Green Lantern and the Flash?

BATMAN: Maybe. I’ll call you.

10 Superheroes with the Coolest Powers

Batman Wises Up

The Best and Worst of Superhero Movies

Labels: Aquaman, Batman, comics, Humor, Parody, superheroes

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Posted by GFS3 at 5:30 PM.

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Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Summer Blockbusters Rejected by Hollywood

Green Blood: Rambo vs. Predator vs. Aliens

Heroes Never Die in Space

While infiltrating a top-secret CIA military installation in Rwanda to free his kidnapped son (Shia LaBeouf), Rambo (Sylvestor Stallone) is accidentally blasted into space with a squad of Predators trained to intercept a spacecraft headed to earth loaded with deadly aliens. Joining with the captain of the Predator team (voiced by Samuel L. Jackson) Can Rambo and wise-cracking son successful team-up with the deadly Predator captain (voiced by Samuel L. Jackson) and his squad? Will the intergalactic heroes save the earth from the alien invasion?

The Knocked Up Express

Put This Pregnancy Test in your Pipe and Smoke It!

This Judd Apatow action comedy features Jerry Bigelow (Steve Martin) as the divorced father of 10 children who quits his stressful job in advertising to work as the manager of a group of pot smoking misfits at a Kentucky Fried Chicken in Malibu. He’s introduced to the local drug dealer Nancy (Meg Ryan) by his assistant manager Mickey (Seth Rogen), who also happens to be an undercover DEA agent. When Nancy ends up pregnant, Jerry reluctantly volunteers to accompany her to a drug buy with a ruthless Columbian drug lord (Cuba Gooding Jr.). Things go horrible awry and Jerry and Nancy end up on the run from the FBI and the Columbians. Will they escape before the baby comes?

Aquaman: The Motion Picture

Terrorists Get Fried… Fish Style!

This Jerry Bruckheimer blockbuster features Orlando Bloom as Aquaman in this action-packed superhero story about the King of Atlantis. Aquaman and his queen, Aquawoman (Kristen Dunst), are vacationing in the Caribbean Sea when a passing school of dolphins inform them about an evil plot by a group of Middle Eastern terrorists to use a secret Russian weapon developed during the Cold War to evaporate the Atlantic Ocean. Aquaman uses his telepathy powers to build an army of fish and sea creatures to battle the terrorists as they race against the clock to the save the second largest ocean in the world. Chris Cooper stars as the terrorist mastermind El Algeria.

PDA: People Dicing Albino

Don’t Answer That Email… It Might be Him!

Director Eli Roth directs this terror filled action movie starring Lindsey Lohan as rising PR executive Trisha Dolan. When she is promoted to vice president, Trisha is given the gift of a Blackberry personal digital assistant by a mysterious IT guru (Morgan Freeman). Trisha begins to get emails from a phantom albino (Mark Calaway the Undertaker from the WWE) who starts to chop up the people in her contacts list in alphabetical order. Next up on the victim list is Trisha’s stand-up comedian fiancé Gary (Jonah Hill). Can Trisha and Gary thwart the phantom albino and discover the secret of the haunted PDA?

Trampoline Fever

No Bounce – No Glory!

Will Ferrell plays Harmon “Jumper” Jumpstart the washed up coach of the U.S. women’s Olympic Trampoline team. After advising his young protégé (Dakota Fanning) to try a quadruple spinning somersault at the World Games that goes terribly wrong when she accidentally lands on and kills the Russian judge, Jumper is fired and ends up drunk and disorderly in his hometown of Jeepers, Ohio. Goaded into coaching a prison trampoline team at the maximum security prison by his high school buddy (John C. Reilly), Jumper reconnects with his sport and turns a group of misfit criminals into a world class team of trampoline athletes. Also starring Paul Rudd as yuppie serial killer Timmy Bradlands and Steve Carell as cat burglar Yancy Cloud.

Save Molly: 10 Great Teen Flicks from the 1980s

Valuable Lessons from Hollywood

Our Favorite Will Ferrell Lines

Labels: Humor, Movies, Parody

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Posted by GFS3 at 5:31 PM.

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Monday, July 14, 2008

Our Favorite Will Ferrell Lines

32 Dingers from the Funniest Man in Hollywood

From “Semi-Pro”

“Everybody panic! Oh my God, there's a bear loose in the coliseum! There will be no refunds! Your refund will be escaping this deathtrap with your life! If you have a small child, use it as a shield! They love the tender meat! Cover your sodas! Dewie loves sugar!”

From “Blades of Glory”

“No exaggeration, I could not love a human baby more then I love this brush.”

“I see you still look like a fifteen year old girl, but not hot.”

“Troubled childhood? If you consider a 9 year old kid with a 35 year old girlfriend troubled.”

“Hey. They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was gonna go to the moon. Now he's up there, laughing at them.”

From “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby”

“Dear Lord Baby Jesus, I want to thank you for this wonderful meal, my two beautiful son's, Walker and Texas Ranger, and my Red-Hot Smokin' Wife, Carley.”

“Dear Lord baby Jesus, lying there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learning about shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringing me and my mama together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers.”

“Well let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders, who said...`I'm too drunk to taste this chicken.’”

“No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high level income, it's not crazy to think I can live to be 245, maybe 300. Heck, I just read in the newspaper that they put a pig heart in some guy from Russia.”

From “Wedding Crashers”

“Yeah, her boyfriend just died. Dude died in a hang-gliding accident! What an idiot! `Aaaahhh, I'm hang-gliding! Take a good picture, honey, I'm dead!’"

“Grief is nature's most powerful aphrodisiac.”

“I almost numchucked you, you don't even realize!”

“Mom! The meat loaf! Fuck!”

From “Bewitched”

“Let's make love in a hot-air balloon - let's make love in a candy factory - let's make love in a petting zoo. Let's make love at Sea World on the back of a killer whale!”

“Where is my dog? I will die if I do not have him back! Do you understand me? I WILL DIE IF I DO NOT HAVE HIM BACK!”

From “Kicking & Screaming”

“I am angry. I'm like a large tornado of anger, swirling about.”

“My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game, he's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. I don't know anyone like that. Do you?”

“Mike Ditka scares me! Have you ever looked into his eyes? Or at his hair?”

From “Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy”

“You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.”

“I know that one day Veronica and I are going to get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited.”

“You've got a dirty whorish mouth.”

“I'm going to punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.”

“I don't normally do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something. You have an absolutely breath-taking... heiney. I mean, that thing's good. I want be friends with it.”

From “Elf”

“It's just like Santa's workshop! Except it smells like mushrooms and everyone looks like they wanna hurt me.”

“We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup.”

“You stink. You smell like beef and cheese! You don't smell like Santa.”

From “Old School”

Deep down, I am feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly, you get married, and you're supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don't feel different. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think well maybe they're silk panties, maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling... what? what I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not?”

“Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.”

“You're my boy, Blue! You're my boy.”

From “Zoolander”

“Let me show you Derelicte. It is a fashion, a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful city so unique.”

“SHUT UP! Enough already, Ballstein! Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look, for Christ's sake! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They're the same face! Doesn't anybody notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie, I invented it! What have you done, Derek? You've done nothing! NOTHING! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done, then I will!”

“Todd! Are you not aware that I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte?”

Under God's Right Arm: Favorite Bible Stories

Our Man Clint: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Our Favorite Movie Lines from Gov. Terminator

Labels: Humor, Movies, Will Ferrell

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Posted by GFS3 at 10:42 AM.

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Monday, May 12, 2008

Actual Headlines from Very Strange Food Magazines

One of the funniest features in the book "The Best American Nonrequired Reading 2007" (edited by Dave Eggers) was a list of headlines from obscure trade magazines. Trade magazines are publications that cover different industries, hobbies, and markets – like technology or consumer goods. However, some of these niche magazines get a bit too involved in the industry and occasionally lose perspective. So in a blatant rip-off of David Eggers – DaRK PaRTY presents our own analysis of the bizarre world of trade magazines with a focus on the food and farming trade magazines.

From “Beef Magazine”

Is Your Dewormer WORKING?
The Sex Ratio Riddle
The Weaning Two-Step

From “Backyard Poultry”

Chicken Broth: A Way of Life
Unbelievable Egg Nest Material
A Poultry Love Story

From “Food Processing”

Your Sanitation Can Be Greener
What Color is Your Peanut Butter?
Just Say No To Clones

From “Refrigerated & Frozen Foods Retailer”

Can “Shelf Life” Be a “Shelf Lie?”
Too Many Organics!?!
My Yogurt Needs Help!

From “Beverage Industry”

Non-Carbs Shine While Sparkling Struggles
Combating Aggressive Drivers

From “Food Product Design”

Herbs and Spices: Hot and Healthy
Hooray for Hazelnuts
Fired Up About Chiles

From “Pig International”

Bitten Tails: This Breeder Sees An Electrical Connection
Q&A with Denmark’s Mr. Pig Production
Farm-grown Microbes Fight the Smell

From “SeaFood Business”

Pass the Selenium
Fried Food Freedom
Fish Farms Can’t Catch a Break

From “Snack Food & Wholesale Bakery”

Please Feed the Models
Health Q&A: Straight Talk on Saving Babies
No Pouch, No Tools, No Service

From “National Provisioner”

Kill Floor Improvements
Beyond Soap and Water
Spicing Up The Grind

Do you have any examples you'd like to share? Place a comment!

Read about the long, painful suicide of newspapers

Read the Rev. Crosslick's take on the satanic appeal of comic books

Enter the reading time machine here

Labels: Food, Humor, Media

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Posted by GFS3 at 10:45 AM.

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Thursday, May 08, 2008

Literature, Inc.

Famous Literary Characters in the Free Market

(The beautiful thing about literary characters is how they can transcend the pages where they were born. Some characters become so engrained into the cultural psyche of society that the classics where they originally appear become a footnote. How many people, for example, have read Mary Shelley’s “Frankenstein?” Yet, Frankenstein’s monster is an icon of our culture – you don’t have to read the book to understand the monster. The monster is everywhere – in movies, comic books, on lunch boxes, TV shows, in jokes.

DaRK PaRTY wanted to see how ingrained some of these legendary characters have become – especially in the world of business. You’d be very surprised at the occupations and companies using literary figures to shill their goods and services).

Huck Finn’s Warehouse & More

Located in Albany, New York, Huck Finn’s Warehouse prides itself on being the area’s largest retail outlet specializing in any item for the home. It has more than 240,000 square feet selling everything from furniture couches to socket wrenches at 20 to 50 percent off. “Huck prides himself on having the best sales associates and customer service people anywhere!” according to the web site.

We’re not quite sure that free spirited Huck would have settled down for a life of selling garden furniture, but people do strange things when they grow up.

Tarzan Company

Who better than the Lord of the Apes to start an international information services company? Not only can Tarzan speak English, French and Gorilla, but he’s an expert at hunting and gathering. So when the Tarzan Company promises “to provide services in finding, gathering, and sorting information” it isn’t making hollow promises.

Tom Sawyer’s Gluten Free Products

Located in sunny Sedona, Arizona, Tom Sawyer’s Gluten Free Products have apparently won lots of awards. The primary product is Tom Sawyer All-Purpose Gluten Free Flour. The company’s logo is Tom Sawyer in his straw hat white-washing a fence.

We had no idea that Tom had Celiac Disease and couldn’t digest gluten. It must have made eating Aunt Becky’s apples pies difficult.

Hamlet Video International Limited

A U.K. based company that is dedicated to building measurement and monitoring equipment for the television industry. The company’s tagline is: “Excellence in Vision.” One wonders if Hamlet throws himself at the feet of potential customers and mutters things like: “O! what a rogue and peasant slave am I!”

MacBeth Foot Wear

A shoe company that refuses to use any “animal parts or skins” in its products. It has several brands of shoes such as the Bronson, Eliot, Jackson, and the Wallister. He believe the Wallister – with its signature low profile vulcanized outsole – would have proven to be a stealthy shoe for sneaking about an old Scottish Castle. Bizarre that a group of peaceful vegan cobblers would name their company after man who stabs his king to death while he slept and then has his wife frame the king’s servants.

Long John Silvers Restaurants

It might surprise you to know one of the most treacherous and dangerous pirates in literature opened up “the world’s most famous popular quick-service seafood chain with more than 1,200 restaurants worldwide.” But it’s true. The company’s rather grotesquely named “Buttered Lobster Bits” are now here! Ahoy, Matey!

Conan Traders Inc.

The savage barbarian from Cimmeria opened an auto transportation company in California specializing in shipping other vehicles – quickly and safely (unless, of course, attacked by a rogue wizard – then all bets are off). Conan is fully licensed and insured and if you don’t like it? Well, how would you like a two-handed sword splitting your skull in half?

Sherlock Holmes Mobile Homes

Apparently when he retired from solving crimes and murders in Victorian England, the world’s greatest detective moved to Illinois and opened up a mobile home company. Basically, the lesson here is that an opium addiction will make you nuts. But admittedly the name of the company has a certain ring to it.

Peter Pan Bus Lines

He did go grow up. And now he’s a bus driver. If you’re running away from Lost Boys , pirates, and responsibilities, we suppose, hiding out on a bus is a good place. But at least Peter is dedicated “to providing the best transportation service in America.” Peter will also drive you to Foxwoods Resort and Casino so you can gamble away your cash. What guy!

Gatsby Grounds

We all know Jay Gatsby had a great lawn at East Egg. But after the whole disaster with Daisy, the Great Gatsby decided it was time to head to Lancaster, Massachusetts to open a lawn care company. He doesn’t mess around either – bringing the same dogged determination he showcased in Fitzgerald’s novel to his fertilizer and tree/shrub programs. He’ll even help you with erosion control.

Moby Dick’s House of Kabob

When you’re a great white whale – symbolizing man’s quest for God –and you’ve had a rough day at the office killing mad Captain Ahab and sinking the whale ship the Pequod there’s not much left to do – except open a kabob restaurant in Washington D.C. (with branches in the surrounding suburbs). Your menu, of course, will include Fish Kabob (chunks of swordfish marinated in a special house seasoning).

5 Questions About: Sherlock Holmes

The Legends of Literature - Part One

The Legends of Literature -- Part Two

Labels: books, Humor, literature

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Posted by GFS3 at 12:49 PM.

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Tuesday, April 08, 2008

The Boys at Murphy's Taproom Figure Out Why Broads Dig Jane Austen

(Murphy’s Taproom is a dingy tavern in the Dorchester neighborhood of Boston. Three plasterers from O’Connor’s Plastering are clustered around the bar watching ESPN on the old console TV bolted to the wall. The bartender Sean Murphy is washing pint glasses in the sink).

Jimmy: I mean I ain’t sayin’ it, but I’m sayin’ it. Okay? If I was a chick I might be into Brady. Ya know? I mean not ‘cause he’s the greatest quarterback in history either. That’s all I’m sayin’.

Billy: But ya said it.

Jimmy: What?

Murphy: Jesus Christ.

Billy: You’re a faggot.

Jimmy: That’s not what I’m saying, dickhead. He’s got it, ya know? That thing. That charisma. Reminds me of the guy in that movie – that Mr. Darby.

Billy: Who?

Jimmy: Ya know, that movie by Jane Dallas.

Murphy: Jane Austen. And she’s a novelist. And it’s Mr. Darcy.

Jimmy: Yeah, that’s what I said. She did that movie with Keira Knightley.

Billy: Is that the hot English broad with no tits?

Jimmy: That’s the one. “Bend it Like Beckham.”

Billy: Nice ass though. Damn shame about the mosquito bites.

Frankie: My wife reads Jane Austen.

Billy: Jane who?

Murphy: You deaf? Jane Austen. She was a 19^th century British novelist. She wrote romances like “Pride and Prejudice” and “Emma.”

Frankie: She makes women cry; made my wife cry anyways.

Billy: The Yankees in first place make me cry.

Frankie: I can’t figure it out. Her crying, I mean. “It’s about gentlemen,” she told me. “And honor and dignity.” (sighs) Then she gets all misty.

Jimmy: Sheila’s into those books, too. “Sense and Sensible.”

Murphy: “Sense and Sensibility.”

Jimmy: Yeah, that’s what I said. When she finished it she just looked at me for a long time. I’m like “what? What the fuck did I do?”

Billy: You probably farted.

Murphy: Women love Austen because she saves them.

Frankie: What’d ya mean, Murph?

Murphy: She puts society women of the period into uncertainty and close to financial ruin and then she creates honorable men to rescue them through true love. Women like the idea of romance being a recipe for good. And quite frankly what man wouldn’t want to emulate George Knightley in “Emma?”

Billy: I thought it was Keira Knightley?

Jimmy: Shut your pie hole, moron. George Knightley is her old man.

Frankie: (nodding) I think I get it. Women want to be rescued.

Murphy: They want to be romanced, Frankie. They want to be loved.

Billy: That’s bullshit.

Jimmy: No, it’s true. It’s kinda like how, ya know, to us Beckett swooped in and rescued the Sox in the play-offs last year. He was like our knight in shining armor. Our big, old stallion.

Billy: You really are an idiot.

Frankie: Ya know, I… I haven’t told Marie how much I love her in a long time.

Murphy: It’s early, Frankie. Why don’t you go home?

Frankie: Yeah, yeah. I think I’m gonna do that. Thanks, Murph.

Billy: What the hell is going on?

Jimmy: (standing) Wait up, Frankie. I’m leavin’, too. I’ve got some things to talk to Sheila about. Keira Knightley kind of things. Night fellas.

(Both Frankie and Jimmy depart.)

Murphy: You want another Billy?

Billy: What the hell just happened? I feel like I got gay all over me.

Murphy: (putting a pint on the bar) Have you ever read “Hamlet?”

Billy: Yeah, sure, by Shakesbeard.

Murphy: Shakespeare.

Billy: Yeah, whatever. Can we please go back to talkin’ about Brady?

Notes from a Corporate Board Room

Gerry Ludwig has a Mental Breakdown in the Express Lane of Stop & Shop

Distraught and Struggling with his Sexuality 17-year-old Cory Dennison Obsesses Over Will Ferrell

Labels: Humor, Jane Austen, literature, Parody

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