DaRK PaRTY ReVIEW

::Literate Blather::

Monday, July 14, 2008

Our Favorite Will Ferrell Lines

32 Dingers from the Funniest Man in Hollywood

From “Semi-Pro”

“Everybody panic! Oh my God, there's a bear loose in the coliseum! There will be no refunds! Your refund will be escaping this deathtrap with your life! If you have a small child, use it as a shield! They love the tender meat! Cover your sodas! Dewie loves sugar!”

From “Blades of Glory”

“No exaggeration, I could not love a human baby more then I love this brush.”

“I see you still look like a fifteen year old girl, but not hot.”

“Troubled childhood? If you consider a 9 year old kid with a 35 year old girlfriend troubled.”

“Hey. They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was gonna go to the moon. Now he's up there, laughing at them.”

From “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby”

“Dear Lord Baby Jesus, I want to thank you for this wonderful meal, my two beautiful son's, Walker and Texas Ranger, and my Red-Hot Smokin' Wife, Carley.”

“Dear Lord baby Jesus, lying there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learning about shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringing me and my mama together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers.”

“Well let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders, who said...`I'm too drunk to taste this chicken.’”

“No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high level income, it's not crazy to think I can live to be 245, maybe 300. Heck, I just read in the newspaper that they put a pig heart in some guy from Russia.”

From “Wedding Crashers”

“Yeah, her boyfriend just died. Dude died in a hang-gliding accident! What an idiot! `Aaaahhh, I'm hang-gliding! Take a good picture, honey, I'm dead!’"

“Grief is nature's most powerful aphrodisiac.”

“I almost numchucked you, you don't even realize!”

“Mom! The meat loaf! Fuck!”

From “Bewitched”

“Let's make love in a hot-air balloon - let's make love in a candy factory - let's make love in a petting zoo. Let's make love at Sea World on the back of a killer whale!”

“Where is my dog? I will die if I do not have him back! Do you understand me? I WILL DIE IF I DO NOT HAVE HIM BACK!”

From “Kicking & Screaming”

“I am angry. I'm like a large tornado of anger, swirling about.”

“My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game, he's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. I don't know anyone like that. Do you?”

“Mike Ditka scares me! Have you ever looked into his eyes? Or at his hair?”

From “Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy”

“You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.”

“I know that one day Veronica and I are going to get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited.”

“You've got a dirty whorish mouth.”

“I'm going to punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.”

“I don't normally do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something. You have an absolutely breath-taking... heiney. I mean, that thing's good. I want be friends with it.”

From “Elf”

“It's just like Santa's workshop! Except it smells like mushrooms and everyone looks like they wanna hurt me.”

“We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup.”

“You stink. You smell like beef and cheese! You don't smell like Santa.”

From “Old School”

Deep down, I am feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly, you get married, and you're supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don't feel different. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think well maybe they're silk panties, maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling... what? what I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not?”

“Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.”

“You're my boy, Blue! You're my boy.”

From “Zoolander”

“Let me show you Derelicte. It is a fashion, a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful city so unique.”

“SHUT UP! Enough already, Ballstein! Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look, for Christ's sake! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They're the same face! Doesn't anybody notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie, I invented it! What have you done, Derek? You've done nothing! NOTHING! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done, then I will!”

“Todd! Are you not aware that I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte?”

Under God's Right Arm: Favorite Bible Stories

Our Man Clint: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Our Favorite Movie Lines from Gov. Terminator

Labels: Humor, Movies, Will Ferrell

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Posted by GFS3 at 10:42 AM.

4 comments

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Distraught and Struggling with his Sexuality, 17-year-old Cory Dennison Obsesses Over Will Ferrell

It started with that damn iPod ad. It was stupid, too. Not even Will at his best, but – I don’t know – I guess it was the gray t-shirt. He looked so good in it. And I like his hair short because it frames his face better. When he ends the commercial saying he’s a porn actor – it’s like, wow, so damn sexy. Crazy, right?

I know, I know, big fucking joke, right? Will Ferrell some pudgy, white dude with no calf muscles. I mean have you seen his legs? His thighs are the same width as his calves – no lie. Weird shit. Weird shit, man! I mean what kind of cruel genes are those? Look up chicken leg in the dictionary and there’s Will Ferrell’s god awful legs stubbing up the page.

But it’s no joke. The dude knows he’s sexy. Knows it! It makes no sense at all – but there it is, people, in black-and-white. Will Ferrell is the bomb. A freakin’ tall cool glass of Red Bull spiked with vodka and ready to be pounded down like a hammer on a two-by-four. Yeah, I know I’m mixing metaphors and shit – but who cares?

So finally, I got over it, you know. I mean how many times can you freakin’ go to YouTube and watch a 30 second iPod commercial? I stopped counting at 456 – but I must have gone back maybe a dozen or so more times. But finally, I’m like needing to study for my Algebra II test and start getting serious about pig dissection in my Anatomy & Physiology class (God, do I hate Mr. Goldberg!). So, like, I’m over it. Right?

Wrong, bitches.

‘Cause like then, my sweet old mother rents “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby” (Thanks, Nancy! No wonder dad took off with that Brazilian counter girl at Dunkin’ Donuts.). But I digress. It’s a car racing movie. Like I’d rather watch back-to-back episodes of the “O.C.” or text message Marsha Weber about how ugly Kellie Gibson’s new hairdo is than watch a movie about car racing – but it stars Will.

I won’t lie to you. I hesitated ‘cause it’s not like I want to go back to being freaky about the guy. I’m not that way either – seriously – and I know most people won’t believe it, but it’s true. I once sucked on Marsha’s titties for like five minutes – and I liked it. Hell, Marsha liked it just fine, even though, you know, my braces kinda nicked her up some.

But then I’m thinking, hey, the legs. How can I get hooked on a round mound of pale, jiggly flesh that has got sticks like coffee table legs? So I’m kinda laughin’ at the whole thing, thinkin’ just watch the fucking movie. Will’s funny with a capital M – as in milk pouring down your nostrils.

So I watch it – alone, in my bedroom, lights doused, wearing my Halloween pumpkin boxer shorts (don’t ask!).

And he’s nude. I’m like what? Well, you know, not totally nude, but running about in tightie whities screaming and yelling – pretending he’s on fire and shit. Guy’s hairy – curly Q’s dancing around his chest, belly, and shoulders. Bogus! Really, it’s bogus. But on the other hand, it’s not ‘cause it’s Will. Will Ferrell. And as we’ve established – he’s damn sexy.

And he knows it. The dude makes it work. So I’m slow mo-ing the streaking parts and I can’t take my eyes off that belly – that glorious, gelatinous mass of soft white flesh – like a goddamn wet bag of marshmallows sprouting pubic hair.

Tents were made in my bedroom. Circus tents.

So I’m freakin’ out now. Totally out of my mind. My grades start to plummet and man they didn’t have far to fall before the guidance counselors are feeding me oxygen and telling me I need to start thinking about “trades” not “colleges.”

I’m desperate – out of my mind. And then – Will – my slumberland pal, the haunted nemesis of my dreams – comes out with “Blades of Glory” – where he plays an oversexed figure skater!

Cruel fuckin’ world!

More nudity, man! He prancing around a kitchen without a shirt and if you’re normal – if you’re like not a total sociopathic maniac – you’re ready to vomit up a lung or at least a kidney. ‘Cause the dude looks like shit! Like Will’s gotta be eatin’ pizzas and subs and Hot Pockets like it’s going out of style – ‘cause ya gotta work on a belly like that.

But I love it, ya know? I’m thinkin’ I’d like to eat a few dozen pepperoni Hot Pockets right off of that heaven sent belly cushion and that belly button that looks like a rivet hole (I just know my pinkie would slip right into that bad boy!).

But I’m startin’ to come to terms with it, ya know? ‘Cause it’s just Will. That’s all. Will’s in my brain and for now I’m just gonna have to live with it.

I got my senior year left and I’ve got time to get my grades in order and get my ass to Cape Cod Community College. I’ll live. I’ll survive. I’ll try not to see “Semi-Pro” in 2008. I’ll try to avoid the “Funny or Die” web site. And I’ll try to spend more time with Marsha and her mosquito bites and mono-brow.

And I freakin’ need to stop this Ben Stiller thing now. Nip it in the bud, so to speak.

Read one of our DaRK PaRTY Parodies at McSweeney's Here

Labels: Parody, Will Ferrell