DaRK PaRTY ReVIEW

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

DVD Featurette from the Blockbuster Action Flick "Missile Destruction"

Running Film Commentary by Director Tad Goodkin and Movie Star Randy Bullit

Tad: Hellllooo! I’m Tad Goodkin and I wrote and directed “Missile Destruction.”

Randy: Didn’t you produce it, too?

Tad: Indeed. And that, of course, is a man who needs no introduction. He’s one of the greatest and most talented action stars of this or any generation: Randy Bullit.

Randy: Ha, ha! It’s true. But don’t sell yourself short, Tad. Folks, this is a man who has been a nominee for the MTV people’s choice awards two years in a row.

Tad: It’s a very humbling experience. I really take pride in giving people what they want. It’s one of the reasons I decided to create a film like “Missile Destruction.”

Randy: It’s sublime movie. Between the decapitations and gunfights, there is a real message at the heart of the film about humankind’s need for nuclear weapons.

Tad: Nuclear weapons get a bad rap. But without them, we wouldn’t have world peace. I like to think of nukes as a big, giant father watching down on all of us and keeping everyone in line with the threat of violence.

Randy: Violence that will rain down from the heavens. So elegantly put and so very, very, very true.

Tad: This is the opening of the film you’re watching. We decided to open with a scene that establishes the main character’s personality. Randy of course, plays the main character, super spy, Jake Harder, magnificently.

Randy: I love this scene. I wanted to capture Jake’s sociopathic mindset as he deals with these Colombian drug dealers.

Tad: Here comes the machete to the head!

Randy: Love that shot! Like a garden hose of gore! I think we used more blood in that one shot than in the entire film.

Tad: Not quite, but close. I heard that we actually set a record for the amount of fake blood used on a set. That’s not an established fact, but I heard it making the rounds.

Randy: So cool. The kids love blood.

Tad: Now keep in mind that we weren’t trying to make a “bloody” action film – the blood is all in keeping with the artistry of the story.

Randy: Oops, there goes my shirt. I doubled my normal four-hour daily workout routine to get prepared for this film. You can see that it paid off in the way my abs really rippled when I slugged that drug dealer over the head with the pipe.

Tad: I don’t think there’s a more muscular action star in Hollywood. Your body is a national treasure.

Randy: It’s not all about working out either. You need to spend several hours a day posing in front of mirrors to establish your body messages as you move.

Tad: It’s that dedication that makes you such an international super star.

Randy: I do it for the fans. I'm huge in the gay community, you know.

Tad: I should tell everyone that the role of Jake Harder was written specifically for Randy. When I saw you in “Dr. Doom’s Babes” in 2006, I just knew in the deepest part of my soul that we were destined to work together. I still get chills thinking about that performance.

Randy: Yeah, that was a real challenging stretch for me. I played Axel Cage, an FBI agent, with a drinking problem.

Tad: You encapsulated the complexities of the character better than any actor I’ve ever witnessed in my entire life. How you weren’t honored with an Oscar, I’ll never know.

Randy: Well, a lot of people thought the scene where we blew up the pre-school and showed the actual body parts of the kids flying through the air was a little intense.

Tad: But it was necessary for the story!

Randy: Exactly. Oh, here’s the where I first meet Trisha Young, the love interest in “Missile Destruction,” who is played by actress and former Playboy Bunny Audrey Stephanie.

Tad: Audrey was our first choice to play the brilliant MIT physicist Trisha Young. Not only is she one of the most gorgeous women in Hollywood –

Randy: Her sex tape with the rock band Killer Koke Heads is the most downloaded Internet video of all time. Quite remarkable.

Tad: Indeed. But she’s also a college graduate from Cedar Tree Community College, so she had the background to play a college professor.

Randy: I don’t think I’ve every shared the screen with a hotter looking actress. And she’s really excellent at memorizing her lines.

Tad: Here are the first scenes from Iran – which we actually film in Vancouver. That’s character actor Danny Garcia playing the evil terrorist Abba Abba.

Randy: He’s Mexican, but he really looks Arab.

Tad: Actually, he might be Puerto Rican, not that it really matters.

Randy: Exactly. He looks Arab, which is the most important thing.

Tad: Danny took the role way beyond any stereotypes. I love this part when he slices off the hands of his daughter for looking longingly at another man. Really establishes right off the bat that this is not a man to be trifled with.

Randy: Abba Abba was a very complex villain. He was the perfect foil for Jake Harder.

Tad: Here comes the love scene between Jake and Trisha.

Randy: Wow, we sure used a lot of baby oil!

The 12 Best Actresses in Hollywood

Summer Blockbusters Rejected by Hollywood

12 Valuable Lessons From Hollywood

Labels: Humor, Movies, Parody

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Posted by GFS3 at 3:25 PM.

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Monday, December 22, 2008

Under God's Right Arm: Santa Claus is a Terrorist

True Believing Christians Will Reject the Evil, Red-Clad Gnome at Christmas

By Colson Crosslick

Here is a statistic that should sicken the souls of true Christians: 86 percent of children believe in Santa Claus, yet only 70 percent believe that Jesus Christ is their All-Mighty and Powerful Lord and Savior.

Frightening, isn’t it?

After all, Christmas is the birthday of the Sweet Baby Jesus, yet we have allowed the ancient pagan troll known as Santa Claus to hijack one of the holiest Christian holidays. What a despicable practice to kidnap another religion’s holy day!

This invasion by Santa Claus has enabled other religions to gain a foothold on Christmas. Because of this evil, red-clad gnome we now have Jews, Muslims, Atheists, and “other” religions celebrating Christmas as if it were a secular holiday.

Wouldn’t this be like Christians creating a make-believe character called “Hungry Habib” to celebrate the Muslim holy day of Ramadan? Hungry Habib, a midget with a red turban, could whisk through the air on a carpet pulled by eight flying camels and bring starving little Arab children heaping mounds of lentils and lamb kabobs to celebrate the end of Ramadan, a month-long religious fast.

Or how about Christians creating a character called “Greedy Goldstein”? Goldstein would be a hooked-nosed miser who breaks into Hebrew homes to leave spare change between the sofa cushions. Jewish children could run downstairs the morning after Yom Kippur and root around for quarters, dimes, nickels, and pennies.

Don’t expect to find Hungry Habib and Greedy Goldstein on lunch boxes or featured in Hollywood movies any time soon. Our liberal government and university professors protect these “politically correct” religions from commercial invasion. So we would never allow anybody to hijack one of these “precious” holidays.

Christians, meanwhile, have to put up with Santa Claus, a figure whose only purpose is to undermine the celebration of the birth of the Sweet Baby Jesus. If you don’t think Santa Claus is being used to undermine Christian values then you need go no further than a recent story in the New York Times.

Jews celebrating Christmas! What’s next? Commies celebrating Patriots Day?

I think all reasonable Christians can agree that Christmas needs to be filled with lots expensive gifts and presents (especially electronics and TVs). After all, the three kings brought the Sweet Baby Jesus gifts. Christmas in its essence is a birthday and birthdays need a lot of loot to be successful! We also need the commercial aspect of the holiday to help retail corporations meet their year-end profit goals (go Wal-Mart!).

But we must draw the line at including Santa Claus – better known as Satan Claus! He has come to represent the secularization of Christmas and enable other competing religions to join in the celebration of our holiday. Christmas is for Christians. Let the other religions celebrate their own holidays.

But Satan Claus allows these interlopers to come to the party because he undermines Christ on his most visible day. Satan Claus is also a pseudo-god –possessing magical powers and being immortal. So celebrating Christmas with Satan Claus breaks the Second Commandment about worshiping false gods.

But think about what else Satan Claus represents: socialism (toys for everyone!), equality among religions, liberalism, goodwill (even to sinners!), and that fat people are jolly. I know what you’re thinking – Satan Claus is starting to look a lot like Barrack Obama!

So Christians unite! Stop worshiping Satan Claus and bring the Sweet Baby Jesus and shopping to the forefront of Christmas – where they belong! And Merry Christmas to all Christians! You others move along – there’s nothing to see here!

(The Rev. Colson Crosslick is pastor of the Pretty Good Shepherd Church in Ripsaw, Arkansas. He plans to celebrate Christmas by buying himself a new HD-TV. He also writes the regularly appearing column Under God's Right Arm for DaRK PaRTY.)

More Wisdom from Rev. Crosslick:

How Lego Celebrates Murder

The Cult of Darwinism

The Satanic Appeal of Comic Books

Labels: Christmas, Parody, Santa Claus, Under God's Right Arm

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Posted by GFS3 at 8:51 AM.

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Sunday, December 21, 2008

12 Signs That You Might Be Santa Claus

1. Parked in the garage: eight flying reindeer.

2. Your Body Mass Index (BMI) over 30.

3. Most dangerous part of your job is breaking into the White House to fill George W. Bush’s stocking full of coal.

4. Your deep dark secret: lots of elf porn on your hard drive.

5. When you laugh in the ghetto people think you’re calling for a prostitute.

6. Near career ending mistake: the year you let the overexposed Rudolph talk you into handing out “misfit” toys to your best customers.

7. You ask the wife: “Do these red pants make me look fat?”

8. You’re wife’s biggest pet peeve is when you track reindeer shit on the new carpet.

9. Sick and tired of the liberal media’s innuendo about why you let “naughty” children sit on your lap.

10. You own a sleigh that has the strength and storage capacity for more than 35,000 metric tons of toys.

11. You “de-friended” Burgermeister Meisterburger on Facebook.

12. You bear an uncanny resemblance to Walt Whitman.

12 Signs That You Might Have Been Laid Off

12 Signs That You Might Be a Zombie

The Best "End of the World" Movies

Labels: 12 Signs, Christmas, Parody, Santa Claus

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Posted by GFS3 at 3:24 PM.

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Monday, November 24, 2008

Thanksgiving Movies Rejected by Hollywood

Why Does Hollywood Refuse to Give Thanksgiving Any Love? Here's Why!

Thanksgiving gets no respect from Hollywood. Halloween, Christmas, and even April Fools Day have gotten movies dedicated to them. But Thanksgiving? Other than "Home for the Holidays" and "Planes, Trains and Automobiles," this most American holiday has been ignored.

DaRK PaRTY, however, was able to get our turkey-greased fingers on a few Thanksgiving motion pictures that were rejected by Hollywood. They seem like perfectly good movies to us. But you decide:

Fangsgiving Day

Beautiful high school senior Sarah (Vanessa Hudgens from “High School Musical 3”) and her dysfunctional family travel to rural Wisconsin for Thanksgiving with their estranged aunt. Once they arrive at the farming outpost, Sarah meets a charming young man named Clive (Shia LaBeouf) at the local 4-H club. The two teenagers fall instantly in love while judging an apple pie baking contest together. There’s only one problem – Clive is a vampire! Clive doesn’t feed on humans, however, but on the blood of turkeys at a large processing plant in town. Can Clive use his centuries of wisdom to help Sarah mend the petty disagreements and old resentments in her family before an evil vampire hunter (a very creepy performance by Robert De Niro) finds Clive? And will Sarah and Clive find true love despite their differences? Find out on Fangsgiving Day!

My Blood-Drenched Thanksgiving

More than 10 years ago in Turkey Cove, a small coastal town in Maine, an animal rights activist went crazy and killed three families who refused to have vegan celebrations on Thanksgiving Day. The killer (played by Robert Pattinson of “Twilight”) has now escaped from a mental institution and is on his way back to his hometown for revenge. His target is Ray Davidson (Thomas Haden Church), the owner of the Turkey Cove Super Saver, the supermarket that supplies the village with their Thanksgiving Day birds. Meanwhile Davidson had invited his extended family to his seaside manor for his annual Thanksgiving Day feast. Among the guests is his pretty teenage daughter Bella (Hayden Panettierre of “Heroes”). As members of Bella’s extended family begin to get hacked apart with an electric carving knife and have their mouths crammed with stuffing, the resourceful high schooler tries to elude the killer and save her immediate family from the same fate.

The Homecoming Game

The 1988 Pittsboro High School football team lost the Thanksgiving Day game against rival Sterling High School despite being heavily favored to win. The loss kept the team out of the state championship and started an extended 20-year losing streak against Sterling. Still unable to cope with the disappointment, former star quarterback Brett (Owen Wilson), now a two-bit loser, organizes a rematch for charity. He enlists his former teammates – star wide receiver (Will Ferrell), now a famous Hollywood actor, and star running back (Vince Vaughn), a homeless drunk, to help in the effort. The problem? The star Sterling quarterback, the obnoxious Jerry (Ben Stiller), is Brett’s boss at the Sterling Used Car Emporium. Can Brett keep his job and beat his boss on the playing field when the two teams – now made up of grumpy middle-aged men – meet for a Thanksgiving Day rematch? And will Brett finally be able to finally win back his high school sweetheart Emma (played by Reese Witherspoon)?

The Gobbler

Jimmy Gullet (voiced by Jack Black) is a turkey raised on one of the largest turkey farms in the country. It’s wonderful home for 364 days of the year anyway! A week before Thanksgiving, Jimmy accidentally overhears the cunning Farmer Blade (voiced by Dustin Hoffman) reveal the fate of Jimmy and thousands of his friends and family – Thanksgiving Day dinners! Jimmy has a week to save everyone at the farm from the axe! Can Jimmy convince his friends Jumpy the Squirrel (Whoopie Goldberg) and Ernie the Cow (John Ratzenberger) to help him organize his fellow turkeys to revolt and takeover the farm from Farmer Blade and his evil minions before the slaughter begins? Or will Jimmy have to take the axe to the farmer himself?

The Case of the Flying Mechanic

Thor: Sex Advice Columnist

12 Valuable Lessons from Hollywood

Labels: Humor, Movies, Parody

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Posted by GFS3 at 10:32 AM.

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Thursday, October 16, 2008

Thor: Home Improvement Columnist

The God of Thunder Answers Readers Questions About Interior and Exterior Design

Dear Thor:

I just bought a new house that needs a lot of work. The previous owners were elderly and didn’t do any real improvements since the late 1960s. It all seems so daunting to get everything up to date. Where do I start?

Sincerely,

Desperate in New Jersey

DEAR DESPERATE:

I AM THOR THE GOD OF THUNDER, THE ANCIENT IMMORTAL OF STORMS, AND THE DESTROYER OF FROST GIANTS. WHEN I FIRST BUILT MY MAGNIFICIENT STRONGHOLD IN ASGARD, I, TOO, FACED THIS QUESTION. THOR RECOMMENDS FIVE SIMPLE STEPS:

FIRST, GET THEE INSPIRATION FROM READING PARCHMENTS AND TOMES – USE THESE RESOURCES TO FIND YOUR OWN PERSONAL STYLE. SECOND, CONSIDER THE FUNCTIONAL USE OF EACH ROOM (MY TORTURE CHAMBER, FOR EXAMPLE, SHOULD NOT BE USED FOR LOUNGING ABOUT IN MY PJs). THIRD, DETERMINE WHAT FURNISHINGS AND ACCESSORIES THAT YE ALREADY OWN. FOURTH, PUT A PLAN INTO PLACE FOR EACH CHAMBER. AND, FINALLY, FIFTH, SET A STRICT BUDGET. NO NEED TO BREAK ODIN’S TREASURY IF YE DON’T HAVE TO!

SINCERELY,

THOR

Dear Thor:

The detached garage in my backyard was built in the 1930s. It’s too small for my SUV so I’ve been using it primarily as a shed. However, the years have not been kind and the foundation is unsound. The garage is pitching to the left and on the verge of collapse. Here’s my question: should I spend the money to fix it or knock it down and buy a real shed?

Regards,

Shed It Stay

DEAR SHED IT STAY:

LET THE RAGE RISE UP WITHIN THEE MORTAL AND FEEL THE FURY OF THE ELEMENTS SURGE THROUGH YE. THEN PICK UP A WAR HAMMER LIKE MJOLNIR AND DESTROY THAT GARAGE LIKE YOU WERE LOPING OFF THE HEAD OF THE TRICKSTER LOKI. CALL DOWN THE THUNDER AND LIGHTNING AND WATCH THE GARAGE BURN AND THEN LAUGH TO THE HEAVENS AND FEEL THE RAIN CASCADE OFF YOUR FACE LIKE THE BLOOD OF THE FALLEN. THEN HEAD TO HOME DEPOT AND BUY A NEW SHED. GREAT DEALS AT THE DEPOT!

SINCERELY,

THOR

Dear Thor:

My husband and I bought a cottage on the shore of a lake in New Hampshire. I would like to build a fireplace – because I think it would help reduce heating costs and, well, its romantic. My husband, Mr. Practical, wants to install an oil burner and a furnace. What would you recommend?

Best,

Mrs. Practical

DEAR MRS. PRACTICAL:

FIRES TRIGGER THE SAVAGE WITHIN US ALL. THE HEAT OF PASSION CAN MIX WITH THE HEAT OF THE FLAMES AND GIVE THE GOD OF THUNDER THEE DESIRE TO PILLAGE NORWEGIAN VILLAGES, TEAR OUT THE THROATS OF ENEMIES, AND THEN RAPE THE BLOND DAUGHTERS OF MY BEHEADED OPPONENTS – WHOSE SEVERED HEADS ADORN THE SPEARS OF MY FOLLOWERS. FIRE GOOD, BY ODIN! SO TELL YOUR WEAK-WILLED HUSBAND TO EMBRACE HIS INNER VIKING AND BUILD A STONE TEMPLE TO WORSHIP THE FIRES OF RAGE!

SINCERELY,

THOR

Dear Thor:

I’m torn about what color to paint my recently updated dining room. Part of me wants to paint it a reddish orange to give it an intimate, autumn appeal, but another part of my thinks a nice, light shade of green would give the room an airy, lighter feel. Thoughts?

Best Regards,

Paint It ?

DEAR PAINT IT ?:

MANY MOONS AGO, THOR WAS FORCED TO DRESS AS A WOMAN TO TRICK PRYMR, KING OF THE GIANTS, THAT I WAS TO BE HIS BRIDE SO I COULD RETRIEVE MY STOLEN WAR HAMMER. WE FEASTED IN HIS DINING CHAMBER FOR EIGHT LONG, UNCOMFORTABLE DAYS. WHEN MJOLNIR WAS FINALLY BROUGHT TO ME, I SHED MY DISGUISE AND BASHED THE SKULLS OF THE GIANTS TO PIECES AS THEIR BLOOD SPLATTERED ON THE WALLS (MIXED WITH PIECES OF BRAIN AND BONE FRAGMENTS). IT WAS AN ORGY OF DESTRUCTION THAT LEFT PRYMR’S DINING CHAMBER A LOVELY SHADE OF CRIMSON. RED IS THE WAY TO GO.

SINCERELY,

THOR

(Thor’s advice is his own and doesn’t necessary reflect the editorial views of DaRK PaRTY. To ask Thor a question or send him a comment kidnap the blond daughters of a Danish warlord and sacrifice them on the altar of the Gods while facing north and chanting out the inquiry in ancient Norse. Thor promises he will try to answer each inquiry, but please be patient.)

Thor: Sex Advice Columnist

Elegant Violence: Movie Scene That Feature the Poetry of Action

Remarkable Literary Characters

Labels: Parody, Thor

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Posted by GFS3 at 9:09 AM.

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Wednesday, September 03, 2008

10 Reasons Why Sarah Palin Will Submarine McCain's Campaign

1. Abstinence really doesn’t work

Palin wants to spend U.S. tax money to teach America’s children abstinence, yet she can’t even convince her own daughter to follow that advice. One wonders if Palin regrets not slipping her daughter, now five months pregnant, a box of condoms.

2. Palin calls her husband Todd “the First Dude.”

How nice that the henpecked second in command gets a cute title and is allowed – on occasion – to go snowmobiling.

3. She’s mean and vindictive

One of her first acts after being elected mayor of Wasilla (population 6,715) was to fire the police chief, librarian, public works director and finance director because she felt they didn’t support her administration.

4. She has less than two years of experience as Governor of Alaska

Alaska has about 680,000 residents. If it were a city in the United States it would barely crack the Top 20 largest. Memphis has more people than Alaska.

5. McCain is too rash

His campaign can say what they like about how much they investigated Palin, but reality is that McCain liked her and pulled the trigger before looking into her background. When your VP choice keeps making headlines because her life resembles an episode of Jerry Springer – you screwed up.

6. Palin is under investigation for abuse of power

She alleged fired Alaska Public Safety Commissioner Walter Monegan in retaliation for not terminating her former brother-in-law an Alaska State Trooper who is involved in a messy child custody battle with Palin’s sister.

7. She is a member of the Wasilla Assembly of God Church

Her pastor (and a lifelong friend), Ed Kalnins, has preached that critics of George W. Bush will be banished to hell.

8. She’s a pro-life nut job

Palin is an anti-abortion extremist who wants to ban legal abortions even in cases of rape or incest.

9. Palin believes Iraq is a holy war

During a talk at her church, Palin said: “there is a plan (for the Iraq War) and that plan is God’s plan.”

10. So much for family values

She eloped with her high school boyfriend when she was 24. Her teenage daughter is pregnant. Her sister’s former husband is accused of using a cattle prod on his child. She hired a man reprimanded for sexual harassment for the state’s highest law enforcement position.

The Caste System in the United States

Fixing our Broken Public Education System

An Atheist Watches "The Passion of Christ"

Labels: Parody, Politics, Sarah Palin

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Posted by GFS3 at 8:14 PM.

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Thursday, August 21, 2008

A Slightly Intoxicated Batman Gives Some Frank Career Advice to Aquaman

(Scene: A quiet table in the backroom of Granny Goodness’ Feel Good Saloon in lower Gotham.)

AQUAMAN: Hey, thanks for agreeing to meet with me, Batman.

BATMAN: Yeah, yeah. (To the waitress) Gimme a scotch and make it a double, sweetheart. (Watching the waitress leave) Is she new?

AQUAMAN: I don’t know.

BATMAN: Christ, she’s got a tighter ass than Catwoman. And, dude, you can bounce a bat-a-rang on that bootie. Have you seen the latest Hollywood returns?

AQUAMAN: Ah, no.

(The waitress delivers Batman’s drink. He winks at her and she rolls her eyes.)

BATMAN: $440 million gross for “The Dark Knight.” Can you believe that shit? They fucking love me.

AQUAMAN: Wow.

BATMAN (Slurping his drink): Wow? Wow? Who are you to judge? When’s the last time they made a movie about Aquaman?

AQUAMAN: Two years ago!

BATMAN: Two years… Wait a minute! You’re not counting that piece of shit made for TV movie? I’m talking about Hollywood… movie theaters. You get me? And I’ve got the real answer for you – NEVER!

AQUAMAN: Hey, come on. The lead actor Justin Hartley wasn’t half bad.

BATMAN (Laughing): He was better playing Green Arrow in “Smallville.” Way better. “The Dark Knight” is my sixth movie since 1989. George Clooney played me! Fucking Val Kilmer.

AQUAMAN: You’ve made your point.

BATMAN: I’m the balls. Who’s bigger than me?

AQUAMAN: Spiderman?

BATMAN: Spiderman? Bug boy? Robin could kick his skinny, whiny ass.

AQUAMAN: All right. You’re hot. Bigger than Superman.

BATMAN (Snickering): I know. It kills him. Man of Steel. Did you watch “Superman Returns?” Holy shit did that suck! Is there a more boring villain than Lex Luthor? Come on, people! Lex Luthor?

AQUAMAN: Listen this is kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.

BATMAN: What? Movies?

AQUAMAN: Well, you know, image.

BATMAN: You mean like being the Dark Knight or the King of the Sea?

AQUAMAN: What’s wrong with King of the Sea?

BATMAN (Laughing): It sounds like a bargain brand of tuna fish. Look at yourself! For Christ sake you’re wearing a yellow shirt with scales and lime green pants.

AQUAMAN: Hey, Robin wears yellow.

BATMAN: You see Robin here? Huh? Has Robin been in any of my movies lately? The freak. You think he gets any tail wearing those stupid shorts? Yellow? What kind of superhero wears goddamn yellow? Not even the broads wear yellow.

AQUAMAN: Wonder Woman has a golden lasso.

BATMAN: Wonder Woman has gravity defying tits. And she doesn’t wear yellow, douche bag.

AQUAMAN: Is that kind of language necessary?

BATMAN: You just don’t get it. You’re vanilla, man, totally vanilla.

AQUAMAN: So I should wear black then?

BATMAN: Did I tell you to copy me? Why not silver? Silver is cool. Or even like a deep purple.

AQUAMAN: That’s it then? I’ll get a movie if I wear purple?

BATMAN: I didn’t say that. Dude, you talk to fish.

AQUAMAN: So? Telepathy is one of my powers. I’ve got enhanced strength and speed. I can breathe underwater and dehydrate people. That’s pretty cool.

BATMAN: Big deal.

AQUAMAN: Hey, you don’t even have super powers! You’re just a guy.

BATMAN (Shrugs): It’s about attitude. Style.

AQUAMAN: Style?

BATMAN: Water just isn’t cool. Aquaman? Please! Your name sounds like some kind of yuppie water filter. You hear what I’m saying? Now Batman! Jesus, I get chills!

AQUAMAN: So a silver costume and a new name?

BATMAN: Yeah. How about Water Demon? Or Sea Fury?

AQUAMAN: I don’t know.

BATMAN: Or Liquid Lord. Makes you sound like a fucking Greek God.

AQUAMAN: Aquaman has history though.

BATMAN (Standing): Whatever. Keep your stupid name and your ballerina outfit. I’ve got a date with Poison Ivy and I’m late. Swim home to your goldfish and try not to “dehydrate” anyone on the way.

AQUAMAN: Ah… all right. We still on for poker Monday night with Green Lantern and the Flash?

BATMAN: Maybe. I’ll call you.

10 Superheroes with the Coolest Powers

Batman Wises Up

The Best and Worst of Superhero Movies

Labels: Aquaman, Batman, comics, Humor, Parody, superheroes

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Posted by GFS3 at 5:30 PM.

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Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Summer Blockbusters Rejected by Hollywood

Green Blood: Rambo vs. Predator vs. Aliens

Heroes Never Die in Space

While infiltrating a top-secret CIA military installation in Rwanda to free his kidnapped son (Shia LaBeouf), Rambo (Sylvestor Stallone) is accidentally blasted into space with a squad of Predators trained to intercept a spacecraft headed to earth loaded with deadly aliens. Joining with the captain of the Predator team (voiced by Samuel L. Jackson) Can Rambo and wise-cracking son successful team-up with the deadly Predator captain (voiced by Samuel L. Jackson) and his squad? Will the intergalactic heroes save the earth from the alien invasion?

The Knocked Up Express

Put This Pregnancy Test in your Pipe and Smoke It!

This Judd Apatow action comedy features Jerry Bigelow (Steve Martin) as the divorced father of 10 children who quits his stressful job in advertising to work as the manager of a group of pot smoking misfits at a Kentucky Fried Chicken in Malibu. He’s introduced to the local drug dealer Nancy (Meg Ryan) by his assistant manager Mickey (Seth Rogen), who also happens to be an undercover DEA agent. When Nancy ends up pregnant, Jerry reluctantly volunteers to accompany her to a drug buy with a ruthless Columbian drug lord (Cuba Gooding Jr.). Things go horrible awry and Jerry and Nancy end up on the run from the FBI and the Columbians. Will they escape before the baby comes?

Aquaman: The Motion Picture

Terrorists Get Fried… Fish Style!

This Jerry Bruckheimer blockbuster features Orlando Bloom as Aquaman in this action-packed superhero story about the King of Atlantis. Aquaman and his queen, Aquawoman (Kristen Dunst), are vacationing in the Caribbean Sea when a passing school of dolphins inform them about an evil plot by a group of Middle Eastern terrorists to use a secret Russian weapon developed during the Cold War to evaporate the Atlantic Ocean. Aquaman uses his telepathy powers to build an army of fish and sea creatures to battle the terrorists as they race against the clock to the save the second largest ocean in the world. Chris Cooper stars as the terrorist mastermind El Algeria.

PDA: People Dicing Albino

Don’t Answer That Email… It Might be Him!

Director Eli Roth directs this terror filled action movie starring Lindsey Lohan as rising PR executive Trisha Dolan. When she is promoted to vice president, Trisha is given the gift of a Blackberry personal digital assistant by a mysterious IT guru (Morgan Freeman). Trisha begins to get emails from a phantom albino (Mark Calaway the Undertaker from the WWE) who starts to chop up the people in her contacts list in alphabetical order. Next up on the victim list is Trisha’s stand-up comedian fiancé Gary (Jonah Hill). Can Trisha and Gary thwart the phantom albino and discover the secret of the haunted PDA?

Trampoline Fever

No Bounce – No Glory!

Will Ferrell plays Harmon “Jumper” Jumpstart the washed up coach of the U.S. women’s Olympic Trampoline team. After advising his young protégé (Dakota Fanning) to try a quadruple spinning somersault at the World Games that goes terribly wrong when she accidentally lands on and kills the Russian judge, Jumper is fired and ends up drunk and disorderly in his hometown of Jeepers, Ohio. Goaded into coaching a prison trampoline team at the maximum security prison by his high school buddy (John C. Reilly), Jumper reconnects with his sport and turns a group of misfit criminals into a world class team of trampoline athletes. Also starring Paul Rudd as yuppie serial killer Timmy Bradlands and Steve Carell as cat burglar Yancy Cloud.

Save Molly: 10 Great Teen Flicks from the 1980s

Valuable Lessons from Hollywood

Our Favorite Will Ferrell Lines

Labels: Humor, Movies, Parody

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Posted by GFS3 at 5:31 PM.

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Wednesday, June 11, 2008

10 Things John Wayne Would Never Do

The Duke Takes On Today's Modern
Corporate Guys

“Well, son, since you haven’t learned to respect your elders, it’s time you learned to respect your betters.”
- John Wayne

In the movie “The Sons of Katie Elder” (1965), John Wayne’s first appears at his mother’s burial. His three brothers and a collection of friends gather at the graveside and wonder if Big John Elder (Wayne), the infamous gunslinger, is going to show up for his sweet mother’s funeral. They are forced to start the ceremony without him.

The camera pulls back and there is Wayne standing on top of a hill overlooking the cemetery. His hip is cocked to one side with a large revolver hanging off his belt. He’s big, tough, and rugged. The desert breeze flaps his bandana as he squints down at the funeral party.

He isn’t joining them because he isn’t the type of man who wants to share his emotions. He prefers to do his mourning alone.

Later on, he caves in the bad guy’s face with an axe handle.

John Wayne – the actor – epitomized the real man of mid-20th century America (his personal life is another matter, especially his decision to sit out World War II). The Duke died in 1979 around the time sensitive men were coming in a vogue.

So one wonders what the Duke would have thought of today’s corporate man. Guys who don’t mow their own lawns, hire people to paint their own houses, and probably wouldn’t know which end of a hammer was the working end. Here’s our take on 10 Things John Wayne Would Never Do if he were alive today:

Wear a Pink Shirt
Walk into any corporate office and you’ll find executives wearing pink, yellow, orange, and lime shirts. The Duke would argue that pink is the color of princess gowns, baby-girl balloons, and periwinkle flowers and not on the torso of a man.

Walk Around in Flip Flops
Hard to imagine the Duke in anything, but cowboy or combat boots. But let’s face the facts: he wouldn’t be caught dead wearing flip-flops – even at the beach.

Sit on his Leg in Public
The Duke’s eyes would widen at the sight of a grown male who has removed his shoes and inserted his sock encased foot under his thigh. This, he would reason, is how teenage girls sit while twirling a curl of hair around their finger and popping their bubble gum.

Wear Yellow or White Pants
After spitting a wad of chew onto an offender, the Duke would point out that men should only wear trousers in the following colors: tan, black, blue, brown, black, gray or green. Those colors should come from dust, mud, grass, blood, and whiskey.

Whine
Real men, Duke would say, bitch, complain, wrestle, argue, sneer, growl, seethe, and shoot at each other. They don’t whine to waitresses about their food, whine to co-workers on cell phones, or stomp their feet when planes or trains are late.

Play Computer Games
John Wayne would not be playing World of Warcraft or Final Fantasy IX. Computer games are toys – and toys belong to children and in toy boxes.

Ogle Young Girls
Is there anything more pathetic than a middle-aged man eyeing a high school girl? Yes, a middle-aged man elbowing his middle-aged buddy so both of them can leer at a new intern? As the Duke once uttered: “Any man who'd make an X-rated movie ought to have to take his daughter to see it.”

Wear Capri Pants
Does this even need to be said?

Strap on a Mobile Phone Holster
Cops and cowboys are allowed to wear holsters – with guns in them. Corporate types should keep their mobile phones, pagers, and Blackberries in their pockets – not strapped to their hips like gunslingers. Besides, as the Duke would point out, they don’t need the extra bulge at their waistline.

Talk Really Loud on a Mobile Phone
Babbling loudly on a mobile phone is annoying. The Duke once said: “Talk low, talk slow, and don't say too much.” I think that speaks volumes that the Duke would not be snapping at his administrative assistant on a cell phone in airport lounge.

Read our essay on the state of our environment

Guilty pleasures: Songs you listen to only when you're alone

Labels: Corporate, John Wayne, Parody

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Posted by GFS3 at 9:55 PM.

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Monday, June 02, 2008

Signs That the U.S. is Rome

Or Evidence That the Collapse is Around the Corner

The Hardee’s Six Dollar Burger

While the world – from Haiti to Africa – was rocked by food riots last month, U.S. consumers can still waddle into a Hardees or Carl Jr. fast food restaurant and order a Monster Thickburger – a half a pound of beef, cheese, bacon, pickles, and catsup for six bucks. The Monster Thickburger tips the scales at more than 1,200 calories and contains 72 grams of fat (more than 110 percent of the recommended daily amount of fat). Probably enough food to feed a Haiti orphanage for a week.

Rambo on a Walker

Sylvester Stallone is back for a fourth “Rambo” movie. The movies comes on the heels of Stallone filming a 6^th edition of the “Rocky” franchise. What’s next the second installment of “Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot”?

Bling H20

Twenty-seven percent of people living in developing countries do not have access to potable water – so let’s talk about Bling H20, one of the most expensive bottled waters in the world. A 750 ml bottle of Bling costs between 40 and 60 bucks and has been a favorite among Hollywood types for its frosted glass bottle sealed with a cork. Bling boasts a 9-step purification process for the water it pulls from Dandridge, Tennessee. Whatever happened to tap water?

Grand Theft Auto IV

Video gamers love this GTA 4 for its realism and action. Yet only a few courageous people have the nerve to condemn a game that has players pretending to be a sociopathic killer who murders innocent bystanders, slaughters drug dealers, shoots police officers, and rapes, tortures, and murders prostitutes. Most reviewers are as cowardly as Michael Malone on ABC News who admits that the game is horribly violent, but comes up with these nuggets:

“My younger son Tim ordered it with his own money, so it is officially his (yeah, parents, go ahead and try to ban it -- your kids have probably already seen the entire game, without you knowing it, via YouTube screen grabs).”

“Tim has already managed on two separate days to get himself into that bloody-eyed, stiff-legged zombie state that comes from staring at a TV screen too long with an Xbox 360 controller in your hand. I've already taken the game away from him twice -- that's in two days, mind you -- and made him do his homework, eat, sleep, breathe, etc.”

Pathetic how Malone rationalizes his poor parenting by claiming that no parents will be able to keep their children from X-rated video games. With logic like that why prevent children from pornography, cigarettes, and illegal drugs? Because, you know, they’ll get it at school anyway. Clearly, parents like Malone need a visit from the Department of Social Services.

The National Debt

As of last week, the national debt was $9,361,455,462,861.20 (that’s $9 trillion dollars). The average citizen’s share of this debt is about $30,800. On top of this, U.S. consumer debt rose more than $15 billion in March to more than $2.5 trillion (mostly credit card debt).

Four Dollars for a Gallon of Gas

Do we really need to say more? It’s gotten so bad that the Associated Press is reporting that more people are running out of gas on the highways because they can no longer afford to fill up their vehicles. Instead people are putting in a quarter or half a tank and trying to make the gas stretch. Hard to do when nearly a third of the cars on the highway are trucks and SUVs.

Teenagers Can’t and Don’t Read

Reading aptitude among high school students continues to plummet – despite all the crowing about how technology is helping education. Less than one-third of 13-year-olds are daily readers – a 14 percent decline from 20 years ago, according to the National Endowment for the Arts. This, of course, is wreaking havoc for business owners. Nearly two-thirds of employers rank reading comprehension as “very important” for high school graduates, but only 38 percent of businesses consider high school students deficient in this skill. We continue to fall behind in reading – as a result U.S. 15-year-olds rank 15^th among 31 industrialized nations in reading scores (Poland and Korea rank higher).

Perez Hilton

The celebrity gossip blog rakes in about $500,000 to $800,000 a year. Is that where we’ve come as a society? A guy who writes about celebrity drug busts and hook-ups is a millionaire?

Read our essay on being addicted to convenience

The Boys at Murphy's Taproom Figure out Why Broads Dig Jane Austen

Unintentionally Gay Moments in Cinema

Labels: Culture, Education, Parody, Politics

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Posted by GFS3 at 1:49 PM.

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Thursday, May 15, 2008

Under God's Right Arm: The Drug Addled World of Children's Television

The True Story of How H.R. Pufnstuf Destroyed a Boy's Life

By Rev. Colson Crosslick

Stevie Shetkan is a member of my congregation at the Pretty Good Shepherd Church in Ripsaw, Arkansas. He’s a reformed heroin addict and male prostitute (who admittedly has nice thighs) who used to do anything – and I mean anything – to score his next fix.

When Stevie let the shining golden light lasers of Jesus into his life – his life turned around. He’s now a successful day laborer living in a boarding house and earning just enough money to squeeze by while paying his ex-wife alimony and child support. His life wasn’t always this good.

Stevie used to live in an expensive hotel in downtown Little Rock, wear fashionable new clothes, and turn “tricks” with rock stars, lawyers, and businessmen while pumping heroin into his veins.

How did Stevie Shetkan become a drug-addled vamp?

The answer will amaze your Christian sensibilities – the TV show “H.R. Pufnstuf.” The younger folks among you might not remember this staple of Saturday mornings. Supposedly it was a live-action puppet show full of fun and innocent silliness. The plot revolved around a young boy and his magic flute being transformed to another realm lead by a friendly dragon named H.R. Pufnstuf.

But in reality “H.R. Pufnstuf” was a subversive counterculture TV show that lured innocent children into the drug culture of the 1970s and 1980s. The program, as you’ll see, urged children to smoke marijuana and try acid – two dangerous illegal narcotics that lead children to cocaine and heroin addiction as well as to experimentation with the dark pleasures of homosexuality.

The show is almost as bad as the “Curious George” books – one of the most anti-Christian children’s series in world history. It was also the grandfather of other modern shows allegedly for children, but actually subversive liberal brainwashing programs (“Barney” and “The Teletubbies,” for example).

The “H.R. Pufnstuf” program was the creation of two evil men – Sid and Marty Krofft (who have a mysterious Jewish sounding name – not that I have anything against Hebrews other than they scorn the Lord Christ Jesus). The Kroffts are responsible for many children’s TV shows such as “Land of the Lost,” “Sigmund and the Sea Monsters,” and “The Bugaloos.”

But “H.R. Pufnstuf” was their shining tribute to illegal drugs. How do I know this? Because, my friends, the evidence can be found on the Internet. “Like many good things from that era, H.R. Pufnstuf was full of nods to the prevailing stoner counter-culture, and included many sly pot and drug references,” according to the Web site of Cannabis Culture Magazine (a left-wing liberal pro-drug rag).

The loony liberal magazine goes on to say:

“Although the marijuana and drug references are sometimes subtle, they are laced throughout the entire series. Some highlights include Witchiepoo offering a minion a "roach beef sandwich," Freddy the Flute getting turned into a magic mushroom, Pufnstuf telling Cling and Clang to "stop sniffing" the magic smoke, and Jimmy dosing Witchiepoo with a Love Potion.”

Then there is the matter of H.R. Pufnstuf’s name – which is pronounced “Puffing Stuff.” He’s also a magic dragon in much the same way as “Puff the Magic Dragon,” a marijuana tribute song by Peter, Paul, and Mary.

Marty Krofft, in a moment of candor, has even admitted that H.R. Pufnstuf was an intentional marijuana reference. The sly evildoer! But all you have to do is watch the show. It’s obvious! Look at the trippy colors, the weird props, and the talking mushrooms practically begging children to fire up the water bong.

“Every episode is like an acid trip,” Stevie Shetkan told me. “After watching it, I wanted to smoke pot like you read about. And I didn’t even know what pot was!”

He soon found out from his older brother (who was also hypnotized by the uber-liberal show). First came the dope – then came the hard drugs – and then, of course, the sex with horny, well-toned men. These kinds of “children” shows should be banned – and we should be going at “Barney” and “Teletubbies” just hard!

Stop them before they turn your child into another Stevie Shetkan.

(The Rev. Colson Crosslick is pastor of the Pretty Good Shepherd Church in Ripsaw, Arkansas. In the past, he has called for a boycott of all TV programs dedicated to children that don't replay excerpts of the Holy Bible. He also writes the regularly appearing column Under God's Right Arm for DaRK PaRTY.)

Enter the intellectual Christian world of Rev. Colson Crosslick:

The Sin of Halloween

Comic Books and Satan

Dungeons & Dragons -- The Devil's Game

Labels: Culture, HR Pufnstuf, Parody, TV, Under God's Right Arm

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Posted by GFS3 at 3:17 PM.

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Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Thor: Sex Advice Columnist

The God of Thunder Answers Readers Sensitive Inquiries on Sex

Dear Thor:
This is kind of embarrassing, but I’ve been having major problems keeping an erection during sex with my wife. I love her a lot, but she’s put on extra weight lately and all that flab just doesn’t do it for me. I’ve tried everything including snapping off the lights and closing my eyes to pretend that she’s Angelina Jolie. Nothing works. I’m desperate! Can you help me?
Signed,
Desperate in Detroit

DEAR DESPARATE:
I AM THOR GOD OF THUNDER! SLAYER OF GIANTS! EATER OF THE DEAD! STORM BRINGER! YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND, ARE THE GOD OF SOFT! NO MAN CAN GET ERECT THINKING ABOUT ANGELINA JOLIE! NOT EVEN BRAD PITT! FAT MAIDENS HAVE MORE CUSHION FOR THE PUSHIN’! COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS AND TAKE YOUR MAIDEN FROM BEHIND WHILE SCREAMING WAR HOWLS!
SINCERELY,
THOR

Dear Thor:
I’m 14 years old and I’m really nervous about the possibility of being gay. I keep dreaming about my Social Studies teacher Mr. Cagney. He’s this bald, fat guy, but he really seems to “get” me. The dreams are always about the two of us French kissing in the coat closet. Is this normal? Help me please!
Signed
Confused Boy

DEAR CONFUSED BOY:
I AM THOR GOD OF THUNDER! I AM THE SYMBOL OF ALL THAT IS MASCULINE AND POWERFUL! BUT ONCE I DID DREAM OF CARCASSING THE FIRM ASS OF LOKI AND WOKE WITH A START! IN MY RAGE AND CONFUSION, I DECIDED TO FIRE BOMB DENMARK WITH LIGHTNING BOLTS AND KILLED MANY VILLAGERS! THEN I POUNDED LOKI INTO A BLOODY PULP! TAKE A BATTLE AX TO MR. CAGNEY AND YOU WILL FEEL MUCH BETTER!
SINCERELY,
THOR

Hi Thor:
I’m a 38-year-old woman and lately I can’t stop thinking about sex. Sex, sex, sex – it’s on my mind constantly. Every man I meet I want to touch and grope, and, well, you get the picture! I’ve heard that women enter their sexual prime in middle age. Should I act out on these urges or just try to control them?
Signed
Horny Executive

DEAR HORNY:
SEND THOR PHOTOGRAPH AND ADDRESS! YOU HAVEN’T HAD SEX UNTIL YOU’VE HAD THOR THE GOD OF THUNDER! THOR WILL LET TOUCH, GROPE AND KISS HIS HUGE WAR HAMMER!
SINCERELY,
THOR

Dear Thor:
My boyfriend wants me to agree to have a threesome with his best friend. His friend is kind of cute, but I’m worried that this will ruin my relationship with my boyfriend. It seems kind of reckless and irresponsible. I know you’re a Norse God and all, but I was raised a Christian and this type of behavior is considered a sin. What should I do?
Signed
Good Girl

DEAR GOOD GIRL:
THOU SHOULD NOT LISTEN TO BAD ADVICE FROM JESUS CHRIST! VIKING WOMEN OFTEN DO RAPING AND PILLAGING AND YOU SHOULD DO THE SAME! DRINK MUCH GROG AND THEN MOUNT THOSE TWO BOYS LIKE THEY WERE WILD WOLVES OF THE NORTH!
SINCERELY,
THOR

Dear Thor:
I’m just going to come out and say this: I think I have a problem with masturbation. I can’t seem to go more than a few hours without pumping the dragon. I waxed the rascal at work. I polish the hard hat at home. I pull the snake in the shower. I rip the chord in the car. I can’t stop! How often does a “normal” guy masturbate anyway?
Signed
Nervous

DEAR NERVOUS:
WHEN THOR GETS URGE TO PLEASURE SELF HE ORDER VALKALERIES TO DO IT FOR HIM. THIS IS BECAUSE I AM GOD OF THUNDER, STORM BRINGER, AND SON OF ODIN! YOU, HOWEVER, ARE BEAT OFF AND LOSER! THOR WILL CRUSH YOU LIKE A BUG AND PUT YOU OUT OF YOUR MISERY!
SINCERELY,
THOR

(Thor’s advice is his own and doesn’t necessary reflect the editorial views of DaRK PaRTY. To ask Thor a question or send him a comment please wait until the winter solstice and then sacrifice a ram, two chickens, and a horse on stone table carved with Altuna runes. Then chant your request with your arms raised while facing north. Thor promises he will try to answer each inquiry, but please be patient.)

Lurid Confessions of a Man-Book Whore

10 Bizarre Serial Killers in History

7 Creepy Ghost Movies

Labels: Parody, Sex, Thor

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Posted by GFS3 at 7:24 PM.

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Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Under God's Right Arm: How Lego Celebrates Murder

By Rev. Colson Crosslick

What could be a more innocent toy than Legos?

That’s what I used to think before I did some research. Did you know that Lego was founded and is still headquartered in Denmark, one of the socialist bloc countries in communist-controlled Scandinavia? We all know what the Danes are about – free sex, nude beaches, and women who don’t shave their armpits!

In other words, Denmark is a nation full of filthy liberals.

So is it any surprise that these “progressives” have founded a company that has a subversive anti-Christian agenda? Of course not. This is how the liberal underground operates – especially in places like Denmark!

Lego, as should be evident by now, is a trap toy for Christian parents. They suck you right in. Christian folks think they are buying a series of interlocking blocks of various shapes and sizes. These blocks can be used to build churches, angels, the Garden of Eden, and even Jesus dying on the crucifix. They seem harmless!

Where’s the injury?

Well, how about a series of Lego toys that promotes and symbolizes rape, sodomy, murder, thievery, kidnapping, torture, poor hygiene, and bad dental habits?

I’m talking about one of Lego’s most popular products: Lego Pirate. It was launched in 1989, discontinued, but has been revived after the success of the horrid and anti-Christian “Pirates of Caribbean” movies (produced by a company founded on greed – Walt Disney, but that’s a column for another day).

It is amazing that an alleged “toy” company could actually celebrate pirates – among the most brutal criminals in history. Good Christians should keep far away from pirates and not allow their children to play with any toys – never mind Legos – that depict these scoundrels.

Allow me to give you a brief history of piracy – a history that Lego doesn’t want you to know!

Blackbeard, one of the most notorious pirates, created a flag for his ship that depicted the devil holding an hourglass in one hand and stabbing a spear into a bleeding heart with the other. Can you imagine anything more anti-Christian? The commies over at Lego had a pirate figurine created in honor of Blackbeard called “Redbeard.”

An old time author named Robert Louis Stevenson wrote a despicable novel called “Treasure Island” that features pirates, murder, drinking, and the kidnapping of a young, nubile boy by rough tattooed (and sometime bare-chested) buccaneers. Lego, of course, thinks this is a good thing and has a toy named after this seedy, sexually graphic novel.

The historical pirate Black Bart had two flags made in his honor. One of them showed him holding hands with Death and the other showed him standing on two skulls and holding a dagger. Lego has a series of skeleton figures wearing pirate caps that resemble the Grim Reaper. These creepy figurines are made for children under the age of 10!

Captain Jack Sparrow, a ruthless and cunning pirate, may have been gay. If you look closely at the Lego figurine Captain Roger (who has an eye patch, a hook for an arm, and a wooden stump for a leg) you can see a homosexual glimmer in his expression – just like Jack Sparrow probably had!

Lego should be ashamed of itself. It’s bad enough that the company is run by crazy Danish socialists, but do they have to subject our children to savage pirates? What’s next for Lego – a series on notable 20^th century serial killers? Hey, kids here’s a figurine of John Wayne Gacy dressed as a clown and sodomizing little boy and Ted Bundy performing necrophilia on a dead college girl!

Wow, I hope I haven’t given them the idea for their next Christmas toy!

Do the right thing. Boycott Lego and boycott all pirate toys. Don’t wait until your children cut off their hand so they can insert a hook and then use it to kill the neighbor’s son – just because Lego made them think it was “cool.”

(The Rev. Colson Crosslick is pastor of the Pretty Good Shepherd Church in Ripsaw, Arkansas. In the past, he has called for a ban against Walt Disney for promoting pirate movies. He also writes the regularly appearing column Under God's Right Arm for DaRK PaRTY.)