DaRK PaRTY ReVIEW

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

"My Favorite Christmas Movie Is..." (Part 2)

The second part of our Yuletide feature. We asked our distinguished panel a simple question: "What is your favorite Christmas movie and why?" Click here to see Part 1.

We received some remarkable answers!

Dave Zeltserman, author of “Small Crimes”

“My selection is Christmas Time for the Jews, originally airing on Saturday Night Live as part of TV Funhouse. While not a movie, and only 2 minutes and 24 seconds long, my wife and I probably watched this a few dozen times when it first came out (thank you YouTube!), and it perfectly captures the sense of alienation of Jews feel at Christmas -- and yes, we use the days as way to get into popular movies without waiting in line, and usually end up at Chinese restaurants drinking their sweet-ass wine!”

Bill Crider, author of “Of All Sad Words”

“My favorite Christmas movie? That’s an easy one. A Christmas Story, no question. Why? Let me count the ways.

1. Jean Shepherd. I love the narration, but it’s more than just that. I love it because years before I ever saw the movie, I read Shepherd’s wonderful childhood reminiscences in Playboy (after I looked at the pictures, of course). Later, I bought the collection called In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash and read the stories again. I never dreamed that anybody would mine them for movie gold, but Bob Clark did just that and came up with the film that runs for 24 hours on TBS every Christmas and for almost that many hours on the TV set in our den. Sure, I have the DVD, but the whole family likes to have that movie running on Christmas day. It’s become a family tradition.

2. The setting. I didn’t grow up in the same era Ralphie did, but nothing much had changed by the time I came along. Everything in the movie hits home with me, from the flat tire to the school classroom to the way the kids dressed.

3. The Red Ryder BB Gun. I had one just like the one in the movie, and it was a wonderful thing. Also, like every kid in that day and age, I heard the bit about “you’ll put your eye out” more than once.

4. The Little Orphan Annie Decoder. I sent away for many a radio-show premium. Most of them were just as disappointing as the decoder Ralphie got. I still have my Lone Ranger Silver Saddle Ring. It still glows in the dark.

5. Mouth washed out with soap. Been there, had that done to me.

6. The cast. Darren McGavin is great as the Old Man. The profanity. “Frah-gee-lay.” A major award. Melinda Dillon is the mom every kid wanted to have. And all the kids get it right. If you don’t believe me, watch the sequel, done with a (mostly) different cast. Shepherd is the narrator again, but it just doesn’t work.

7. There’s just too much more to go into. For me, this is it, the one, THE Christmas movie.

Second choice: Bad Santa.

Casey Hopkins, blogger, TheCabinet.com

“A Christmas Story! Not only hilarious and one of the true Christmas classics, but also directed by the same Bob Clark who got his start with Black Christmas and Dead of Night. Got to stand by them horror directors!”

Hannah Tinti, author of “The Good Thief”

“Usually my family watches the old black and white version of A Christmas Carol, with Alastair Sim as Scrooge. I think it’s still a great movie—very dark and interesting, and some of those images, like the hooded spirit pointing at Scrooge’s grave, and the moment where Scrooge’s sister walks through him, like a ghost, have stayed with me, over the years.”

Malena Lott, author of “Dating da Vinci”

“Love Actually. It's a romantic comedy with a huge, stellar cast, multiple story lines and feel good holiday trimming. Perfect movie to watch while snuggled up next to your sweetie.”

"My Favorite Christmas Movie Is..." (Part 1)

Labels: Bill Crider, Casey Hopkins, Christmas, Dark Party, Dave Zeltserman, Hannah Tinti, Malena Lott, Movies

StumbleUpon |

Digg |

del.icio.us |

Reddit |

Technorati | E-mail a Link

E-mail

Posted by GFS3 at 8:54 AM.

0 comments

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

"My Favorite Christmas Movie Is..." (Part 1)

We asked a simple question this Yuletide season. What is your favorite Christmas movie and why? Our distinguished panel of experts gave us some rather remarkable responses.

Be sure to check out Part 2 tomorrow!

Ken Bruen, bestselling author of “Once We Were Cops”

“Me fav Christmas movie is not really a Christmassy movie but it is about the holidays! So it's Home For The Holidays with Holly Hunter, Robert Downey Junior, Charles Durning and a whole stellar cast Directed by Jodie Foster. It is so true of family re-unions and funny, deeply moving and beautifully directed.”

Steve Ulfelder, blogger and mystery novelist

“A Christmas Story is my fave movie for this time of year -- and the contest isn’t even close, truth be told.

For starters, I never did like Dickens’s A Christmas Carol. It always struck me as a nasty story about miserable people in a crappy time and place. For crying out loud, the big payoff moment is the purchase of a turkey. That was always hard to get excited about for me, a son of the mid-20th-century suburbs. Shouldn’t that asshole Scrooge have tossed Tiny Tim a bone in the form of a few Hot Wheels cars, at the very least? Maybe a GI Joe?

So A Christmas Carol and it’s thousand and one spinoffs and imitators were out.

Elf was okay, I guess, but I believe I’m five years too old to really get Will Ferrell.

The Santa Clause, too, was pretty good – but for me it (and its annual sequels, which unsurprisingly grow worse each year) remains strictly a flick-I-took-the-kids-to. Ditto Home Alone.

I’ve seen lists that include the great Die Hard as a Christmas movie, but that’s a stretch.

So it came down to A Christmas Story and Christmas Vacation. The latter is distinctive in two ways. First, it’s the most recent Chevy Chase movie that you can get me to watch without those eyelid-holding devices from A Clockwork Orange (and it dates to 1989 – nice career, Chev). Second, it gave the world one of cinema’s classic lines, and one that my friends, family and I quote reverently to this day. The line belongs to Randy Quaid’s Cousin Eddie character. While emptying the contents of his RV’s lavatory into the town sewer, Eddie casually explains to a disgusted neighbor: “Shitter’s full.”

Despite that and other classic moments (not to mention Julia Dreyfuss, who I’ve always had a crush on), Christmas Vacation comes in second to A Christmas Story.

Why? Sheesh, how do you explain it without killing all the jokes? The movie is just plain funny. The Bumpus Hounds, Darren McGavin’s ineffectual father, his epic yet non-specific cursing, his ongoing battle with the furnace, the bundled-up sprint from the bullies – it’s all perfect, inevitable, timeless.

Not to mention quotable, another measurement of a movie’s appeal. Flat tires are rare these days, but whenever I get one I turn to whoever’s nearest and say, “Time me.” They know exactly what I’m referring to. Likewise, when the kids are around and I’m struggling with some dad chore in the attic or garage, I vent my frustration by cursing McGavin-style: “Frackin’, mackin’, sousitty-muckin’, hossenpfouffer thing …”

And when’s the last time you saw something marked FRAGILE and failed to say, “Fra – JEE –lay”?

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go to the basement. The mackity-frackin’ Christmas lights popped a circuit breaker again, and I’m going to fix that ever-sousin’ muckhole of a hossenblatt if it kills me.

Polly Frost, writer and producer of “The Fold”
and "Sex Scenes"

“I don’t like the usual roster of Christmas movies -- What can I say? Halloween and Easter are holidays that inspire the gore movies I’m looking for! But I do enjoy imagining remakes of some of the Christmas movie classics:

It’s a Wonderful Life in a remake by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. When you think about it, the town of South Park is a little like Bedford Falls, the town where Jimmy Stewart lives in the movie, if maybe a little less heartwarming.

White Christmas -- and I actually do love Bing Crosby -- but would love that film being nuked by Troma’s Lloyd Kaufman. Gore by the bucket, bad-taste jokes, and obscene musical numbers ... I’m looking forward to a Troma Xmas!

Miracle on 34th Street as reconceived by Michael Bay. Blow New York City up, Michael! And Macy's! And Santa Claus, too, while you’re at it!"

Michael Marshall Smith, author of “The Servants”

“I'm afraid my answer is desperately un-original. Over the ideal holiday season I'd want to see both It’s a Wonderful Life and Gremlins, and both for the same reasons. Christmas is (or should be) about family, sentimentality, magic, and the kind of community that we like to believe still exists in Smalltown USA. Both these films - in different ways - celebrate all of the above, and have snow in them too. What more could you ask for? Well, maybe A Muppet Christmas Carol, I guess.”

John Cozzoli, blogger, Zombo’s Closet of Horror

“My favorite is A Christmas Carol (Scrooge, 1951). It has ghosts, lost souls, damned souls, and a wicked performance by Scrooge himself, otherwise known as Alastair Sim. His vinegar and salt vocal range is incredible, and adds depth to the cynical Ebenezer’s hatred and disappointment with the world. When the spirits turn him into a new man filled with hope and charity, he makes it all very believable and heartwarming. The movie is uplifting without being mawkish, and brings Dickens' story to vibrant life.”

Ed Gorman, author of “Sleeping Dogs”

“I like A Christmas Story because director Bob Clark was able to keep it winsome without getting mawkish. And because the performances were just so damned tight and on the money.”

Stay tuned for Part 2 tomorrow!

Labels: Christmas, Dark Party, Movies

StumbleUpon |

Digg |

del.icio.us |

Reddit |

Technorati | E-mail a Link

E-mail

Posted by GFS3 at 9:21 AM.

1 comments

Monday, December 22, 2008

Under God's Right Arm: Santa Claus is a Terrorist

True Believing Christians Will Reject the Evil, Red-Clad Gnome at Christmas

By Colson Crosslick

Here is a statistic that should sicken the souls of true Christians: 86 percent of children believe in Santa Claus, yet only 70 percent believe that Jesus Christ is their All-Mighty and Powerful Lord and Savior.

Frightening, isn’t it?

After all, Christmas is the birthday of the Sweet Baby Jesus, yet we have allowed the ancient pagan troll known as Santa Claus to hijack one of the holiest Christian holidays. What a despicable practice to kidnap another religion’s holy day!

This invasion by Santa Claus has enabled other religions to gain a foothold on Christmas. Because of this evil, red-clad gnome we now have Jews, Muslims, Atheists, and “other” religions celebrating Christmas as if it were a secular holiday.

Wouldn’t this be like Christians creating a make-believe character called “Hungry Habib” to celebrate the Muslim holy day of Ramadan? Hungry Habib, a midget with a red turban, could whisk through the air on a carpet pulled by eight flying camels and bring starving little Arab children heaping mounds of lentils and lamb kabobs to celebrate the end of Ramadan, a month-long religious fast.

Or how about Christians creating a character called “Greedy Goldstein”? Goldstein would be a hooked-nosed miser who breaks into Hebrew homes to leave spare change between the sofa cushions. Jewish children could run downstairs the morning after Yom Kippur and root around for quarters, dimes, nickels, and pennies.

Don’t expect to find Hungry Habib and Greedy Goldstein on lunch boxes or featured in Hollywood movies any time soon. Our liberal government and university professors protect these “politically correct” religions from commercial invasion. So we would never allow anybody to hijack one of these “precious” holidays.

Christians, meanwhile, have to put up with Santa Claus, a figure whose only purpose is to undermine the celebration of the birth of the Sweet Baby Jesus. If you don’t think Santa Claus is being used to undermine Christian values then you need go no further than a recent story in the New York Times.

Jews celebrating Christmas! What’s next? Commies celebrating Patriots Day?

I think all reasonable Christians can agree that Christmas needs to be filled with lots expensive gifts and presents (especially electronics and TVs). After all, the three kings brought the Sweet Baby Jesus gifts. Christmas in its essence is a birthday and birthdays need a lot of loot to be successful! We also need the commercial aspect of the holiday to help retail corporations meet their year-end profit goals (go Wal-Mart!).

But we must draw the line at including Santa Claus – better known as Satan Claus! He has come to represent the secularization of Christmas and enable other competing religions to join in the celebration of our holiday. Christmas is for Christians. Let the other religions celebrate their own holidays.

But Satan Claus allows these interlopers to come to the party because he undermines Christ on his most visible day. Satan Claus is also a pseudo-god –possessing magical powers and being immortal. So celebrating Christmas with Satan Claus breaks the Second Commandment about worshiping false gods.

But think about what else Satan Claus represents: socialism (toys for everyone!), equality among religions, liberalism, goodwill (even to sinners!), and that fat people are jolly. I know what you’re thinking – Satan Claus is starting to look a lot like Barrack Obama!

So Christians unite! Stop worshiping Satan Claus and bring the Sweet Baby Jesus and shopping to the forefront of Christmas – where they belong! And Merry Christmas to all Christians! You others move along – there’s nothing to see here!

(The Rev. Colson Crosslick is pastor of the Pretty Good Shepherd Church in Ripsaw, Arkansas. He plans to celebrate Christmas by buying himself a new HD-TV. He also writes the regularly appearing column Under God's Right Arm for DaRK PaRTY.)

More Wisdom from Rev. Crosslick:

How Lego Celebrates Murder

The Cult of Darwinism

The Satanic Appeal of Comic Books

Labels: Christmas, Parody, Santa Claus, Under God's Right Arm

StumbleUpon |

Digg |

del.icio.us |

Reddit |

Technorati | E-mail a Link

E-mail

Posted by GFS3 at 8:51 AM.

3 comments

Sunday, December 21, 2008

12 Signs That You Might Be Santa Claus

1. Parked in the garage: eight flying reindeer.

2. Your Body Mass Index (BMI) over 30.

3. Most dangerous part of your job is breaking into the White House to fill George W. Bush’s stocking full of coal.

4. Your deep dark secret: lots of elf porn on your hard drive.

5. When you laugh in the ghetto people think you’re calling for a prostitute.

6. Near career ending mistake: the year you let the overexposed Rudolph talk you into handing out “misfit” toys to your best customers.

7. You ask the wife: “Do these red pants make me look fat?”

8. You’re wife’s biggest pet peeve is when you track reindeer shit on the new carpet.

9. Sick and tired of the liberal media’s innuendo about why you let “naughty” children sit on your lap.

10. You own a sleigh that has the strength and storage capacity for more than 35,000 metric tons of toys.

11. You “de-friended” Burgermeister Meisterburger on Facebook.

12. You bear an uncanny resemblance to Walt Whitman.

12 Signs That You Might Have Been Laid Off

12 Signs That You Might Be a Zombie

The Best "End of the World" Movies

Labels: 12 Signs, Christmas, Parody, Santa Claus

StumbleUpon |

Digg |

del.icio.us |

Reddit |

Technorati | E-mail a Link

E-mail

Posted by GFS3 at 3:24 PM.

0 comments

Friday, December 21, 2007

Merry Christmas Everyone!

The snow continues to fall in New England. It's clinging to the tree branches, piling up on the roadsides, and tumbling off of rooftops. Snow, especially the more than one foot blanketing the region, muffles sounds and shrinks perspectives. It also slows you down -- a perfect way to start the holidays.

We've had a good year at DaRK PaRTY. You hope you did, too.

We want to wish all of our readers, contributors, critics and fans a wonderful holiday. So Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. We hope to see more of you in 2008!

Labels: Christmas, Dark Party

StumbleUpon |

Digg |

del.icio.us |

Reddit |

Technorati | E-mail a Link

E-mail

Posted by GFS3 at 12:50 PM.

0 comments

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Under God's Right Arm: Christma$ a$ a Chri$tian

By Rev. Colson Crosslick

I often hear Christians complain about the alleged “commercialization” of Christmas – as if giving gifts to your loved ones was some kind of high crime. These ridiculous complaints are usually accompanied by a pining for a simpler Christmas – one based on goodwill, friendship, and family.

Forgive me for rolling my eyes in utter disgust.

Christians obviously forget that Christmas marks the birthday of Jesus Christ and that on this remarkable day he was visited by the Three Kings (also called the Maji) who were bearing gifts! To set the record straight: here is the passage from Matthew 2:10-11

“When they saw the star, they were overjoyed. On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold and of incense and of myrrh.”

As you can see the Maji honored Jesus by delivering to him a stack of goodies (myrrh, by the way, is a fancy way of saying “perfume”). Why? Because it was his birthday and who goes to a birthday party without a gift? A rude person for one (or Nathan Lane)!

It is unfortunate that recently many Christians have been conned by the far radical leftwing of the Democratic Party into believing that Christmas has become a day of crass commercialization and materialism.

Little do they realize is that it was always so!

If you are familiar with the tale of Jesus’ birth as related in the Gospels of Matthew and Luke then you would know that gift giving is a crucial component of this most Christian of holidays. Giving a gift to a loved one on Christmas is a traditional way to celebrate the holiday – it isn’t being greedy or commercial. It’s being Christian.

Was the baby Jesus being a greedy pig for accepting the wonderfully scented perfume from the Three Kings? Of course not! He happily accepted the gift and was probably the best smelling kid in Bethlehem!

So it is curious that some Christian sects have fallen into this trap and spend too many cycles decrying Santa Claus and the idea of buying presents at Christmas. They obviously don’t know their history or their Bibles.

The pseudo-Christian cult of Jehovah’s Witnesses are the most outspoken critics of Christmas and refuse to celebrate the holiday – which is akin to slapping the baby Jesus in the face! But then again Jehovah’s Witnesses believe that 144,000 people will be saved during the coming Armageddon (despite the fact that there are more than 16 million Jehovah’s Witnesses worldwide – so there’s going to be some mighty disappointed JWs when the end of days comes!).

There’s another reason to buy gifts at Christmas as well – and that doesn’t have anything to do with being Christian, but has to do with being a red-blooded American. Retailers across this great country depend on Christmas sales to meet their numbers. A solid selling season during Christmas is what often puts these enormous conglomerates in the black for the year.

Do you want to see Wal-Mart go out of business? Do you want to see Best Buy with plywood across its display windows? Do you want Sears to move to another town? Well then you need to do your patriotic duty and buy, buy, buy during the Christmas season. This is what keeps our American economy humming along! We have the best stuff in the world – and this is part of what makes us a mighty nation.

So as you can see buying gifts for friends and family at Christmas makes you a stronger Christian by connecting you with the true spirit of Jesus and it also enables you to make the United States an economic powerhouse.

So don’t just buy your father one gift – buy him two! Buy stocking stuffers! Give gifts to the mailman and the babysitter (and your local pastor)! Forget about budgets and use your credit cards if necessary!

Remember – it is the Christian and American thing to do!

(The Rev. Colson Crosslick is pastor of the Pretty Good Shepherd Church in Ripsaw, Arkansas. He often goes over his credit card limit when buying lots and lots of Christmas gifts for his family and friends. He also writes the regularly appearing column Under God's Right Arm for DaRK PaRTY.)

Read the Good Reverend's thoughts about Halloween here

Labels: Christianity, Christmas, Shopping, Under God's Right Arm

StumbleUpon |

Digg |

del.icio.us |

Reddit |

Technorati | E-mail a Link

E-mail

Posted by GFS3 at 5:34 PM.

2 comments

Friday, November 17, 2006

Too Many Martinis at Lunch, Old Man Potter, Unwisely Acting as His Own Attorney, Delivers His Closing Remarks to a Bedford Falls Jury

Members of the jury let me be clear: I didn’t steal the money.

I direct your attention to the front row of the courtroom. Take a good long look, my fellow citizens. Why I’m surprised the inebriated old fool remembered to stagger his way into this fine courthouse this morning. Are you going to take the drunken babblings of this doddering, old stooge, Uncle Billy, as gospel? And isn’t that what it comes down to? My word, as one of the most respected businessmen in Bedford Falls, against that of a notorious dipsomaniac? A man – mind you – who consorts with a pet squirrel!

Yes, yes, I know you heard testimony from Bert the Cop that he found the Bailey Building & Loan money locked in my desk. But I can look each and everyone of you in the eye and tell you that when I tucked that newspaper into my drawer, I had no idea that it contained the Building & Loan’s cash deposits.

How could I? Quite frankly, I was emotional distraught after the verbal assault Uncle Billy leveled at me as he barreled into my bank battering me about the face with the very same newspaper. He compared me – Me! The head of the draft board – to the Nazis and the Japs! I was speechless! Shocked and chagrinned!

So when I rolled into my office and tossed that old newspaper in my desk drawer, I had no idea it contained any money. I was as surprised as Bert the Cop when he pulled all that cash out from my desk. But not as surprised as when he violently grabbed me by the lapels and dragged me from my wheelchair to manacle my hands behind my back! Me! A cripple and a respected business leader – arrested like a common thief!

It was mortifying! Mortifying!

And do I really need to address the deceptions put forth by George Bailey? And under oath mind you! I have it under good authority that George Bailey actually profited from this whole experience when the discontented, lazy rabble he calls friends and customers emptied out their piggy banks for him. That braying, spoiled brat Sam Wainwright actually cabled Bailey $25,000! Harrumph!

I remain confounded by the loyalty this town gives to George Bailey, a frustrated, angry, and ungrateful young man.George Bailey hates Bedford Falls and has been trying to leave it ever since he was a boy. Why he’s been heard to say – and I quote -- that he wants to “shake the dust off this crummy little town and see the world!” This is how much he despises our beautiful, little metropolis and a town I’m proud to call my home.

Let me tell you about George Bailey. He’s an arrogant, rude man who once sat in my office, smoking my expensive cigars, and called me a “scurvy, little spider.” This from a man who stole his best friend’s girl! A man who used to regularly vandalize the home he now lives in! A man who consorts with people of low morale character!

Think about social circle George Bailey travels in. How about Mr. Martini? A garlic-eater and owner of a disreputable gin mill on the edge of town! Nick the bartender? A violent ruffian with a police record! And let’s talk about Mr. Sam Wainwright. Shall we? A philanderer who lives in New York City! And how about old man Gower? Why nothing more than a drunk and child beater!

But worst of all may be Violet Bick! An allegedly happily married man like George Bailey is often in the company of this woman of loose moral character! A man who once shouted throughout the town how he wanted to take her skinny dipping! A woman George Bailey is often seen giving large amounts of cash. She’s nothing more than a barroom whore!

Now, now, fair citizens, don’t gasp at me! Do you think George Bailey is the only man Violet hits up for money? That she hasn’t come crawling into my office on her hands and knees begging for my assistance? I may have two useless appendages, but my middle one works fine thank you very much!

What? What? Don’t look at me like that! You think your hero – your Mr. Building & Loan – isn’t getting down on that action? Just because I give the little blond a tap every now and then doesn’t make me a bad man. You think its easy being the town cripple? Huh? Putting up with all your shit? But I got my revenge! Oh, yes. I own this burg! You’re like my… my cattle! Bigger bitches than Violet!