::Literate Blather::
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Under God's Right Arm: How Lego Celebrates Murder

By Rev. Colson Crosslick


What could be a more innocent toy than Legos?

That’s what I used to think before I did some research.  Did you know that Lego was founded and is still headquartered in Denmark, one of the socialist bloc countries in communist-controlled Scandinavia?  We all know what the Danes are about – free sex, nude beaches, and women who don’t shave their armpits!

In other words, Denmark is a nation full of filthy liberals.  

So is it any surprise that these “progressives” have founded a company that has a subversive anti-Christian agenda?  Of course not.  This is how the liberal underground operates – especially in places like Denmark!

Lego, as should be evident by now, is a trap toy for Christian parents.  They suck you right in.  Christian folks think they are buying a series of interlocking blocks of various shapes and sizes.  These blocks can be used to build churches, angels, the Garden of Eden, and even Jesus dying on the crucifix.  They seem harmless!

Where’s the injury?

Well, how about a series of Lego toys that promotes and symbolizes rape, sodomy, murder, thievery, kidnapping, torture, poor hygiene, and bad dental habits?

I’m talking about one of Lego’s most popular products: Lego Pirate.  It was launched in 1989, discontinued, but has been revived after the success of the horrid and anti-Christian “Pirates of Caribbean” movies (produced by a company founded on greed – Walt Disney, but that’s a column for another day).

It is amazing that an alleged “toy” company could actually celebrate pirates – among the most brutal criminals in history.  Good Christians should keep far away from pirates and not allow their children to play with any toys – never mind Legos – that depict these scoundrels.

Allow me to give you a brief history of piracy – a history that Lego doesn’t want you to know!

  • Blackbeard, one of the most notorious pirates, created a flag for his ship that depicted the devil holding an hourglass in one hand and stabbing a spear into a bleeding heart with the other.  Can you imagine anything more anti-Christian?  The commies over at Lego had a pirate figurine created in honor of Blackbeard called “Redbeard.”

  • An old time author named Robert Louis Stevenson wrote a despicable novel called “Treasure Island” that features pirates, murder, drinking, and the kidnapping of a young, nubile boy by rough tattooed (and sometime bare-chested) buccaneers.  Lego, of course, thinks this is a good thing and has a toy named after this seedy, sexually graphic novel.

  • The historical pirate Black Bart had two flags made in his honor.  One of them showed him holding hands with Death and the other showed him standing on two skulls and holding a dagger.  Lego has a series of skeleton figures wearing pirate caps that resemble the Grim Reaper.  These creepy figurines are made for children under the age of 10!

  • Captain Jack Sparrow, a ruthless and cunning pirate, may have been gay.  If you look closely at the Lego figurine Captain Roger (who has an eye patch, a hook for an arm, and a wooden stump for a leg) you can see a homosexual glimmer in his expression – just like Jack Sparrow probably had!

Lego should be ashamed of itself.  It’s bad enough that the company is run by crazy Danish socialists, but do they have to subject our children to savage pirates?  What’s next for Lego – a series on notable 20th century serial killers?  Hey, kids here’s a figurine of John Wayne Gacy dressed as a clown and sodomizing little boy and Ted Bundy performing necrophilia on a dead college girl!

Wow, I hope I haven’t given them the idea for their next Christmas toy!

Do the right thing.  Boycott Lego and boycott all pirate toys.  Don’t wait until your children cut off their hand so they can insert a hook and then use it to kill the neighbor’s son – just because Lego made them think it was “cool.”

(The Rev. Colson Crosslick is pastor of the Pretty Good Shepherd Church in Ripsaw, Arkansas.  In the past, he has called for a ban against Walt Disney for promoting pirate movies.  He also writes the regularly appearing column Under God's Right Arm for DaRK PaRTY.)

More of Rev. Crosslick's intellectual insights:

The Disease of Liberalism

Bringing Intelligence Back to Science

Dungeons & Dragons: Satan's Game

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Blogger Chrees said...
Heh. And here I just disliked them because the pieces hurt like heck when you step on them in the dark.

Blogger Bybee said...
And of course there's all that profanity that you use when you step on Legos in the dark.

Blogger SQT said...
Wow. All the backstory I missed. Good thing I didn't buy the pirate set.

Blogger GFS3 said...
The good Reverend always gets the inside scoop on these matters.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Dear Readers:
Thank you all for your kind comments -- even if I do abhor profanity at all costs. Rather than stepping on these anti-Christian toys we should be burning them at the cross. That's what Jesus would do.
Yours in Christ,

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Is this some kind of joke? I mean seriously? Lego pirates are satanic? I'm really confused...i mean the history part is obvious. But it doesnt mean LEGO likes this. It just a popular theme, its not like lego has the evil parts about pirates in the sets. Next your gonna tell me lego star wars is satanic for the jedi believe in "The Force", not Jesus Christ.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Wow, someone has stepped on too much lego. Calling Denmark for communist, lol, that is so funny :) And completley wrong.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
What is a "homosexual glimmer?" and how do I protect my children from all of this glimmering? It sounds very naughty.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Im a Christian myself and i think that legos are not satanic at all! Ever heard of the brick bible? Its a bible with legos cartoons be sure to check that out.......

Blogger Dave, Sydney said...
This comment has been removed by the author.

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