::Literate Blather::
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
The Boys at Murphy's Taproom Figure Out Why Broads Dig Jane Austen
(Murphy’s Taproom is a dingy tavern in the Dorchester neighborhood of Boston. Three plasterers from O’Connor’s Plastering are clustered around the bar watching ESPN on the old console TV bolted to the wall. The bartender Sean Murphy is washing pint glasses in the sink).

Jimmy: I mean I ain’t sayin’ it, but I’m sayin’ it. Okay? If I was a chick I might be into Brady. Ya know? I mean not ‘cause he’s the greatest quarterback in history either. That’s all I’m sayin’.

Billy: But ya said it.

Jimmy: What?

Murphy: Jesus Christ.

Billy: You’re a faggot.

Jimmy: That’s not what I’m saying, dickhead. He’s got it, ya know? That thing. That charisma. Reminds me of the guy in that movie – that Mr. Darby.

Billy: Who?

Jimmy: Ya know, that movie by Jane Dallas.

Murphy: Jane Austen. And she’s a novelist. And it’s Mr. Darcy.

Jimmy: Yeah, that’s what I said. She did that movie with Keira Knightley.

Billy: Is that the hot English broad with no tits?

Jimmy: That’s the one. “Bend it Like Beckham.”

Billy: Nice ass though. Damn shame about the mosquito bites.

Frankie: My wife reads Jane Austen.

Billy: Jane who?

Murphy: You deaf? Jane Austen. She was a 19th century British novelist. She wrote romances like “Pride and Prejudice” and “Emma.”

Frankie: She makes women cry; made my wife cry anyways.

Billy: The Yankees in first place make me cry.

Frankie: I can’t figure it out. Her crying, I mean. “It’s about gentlemen,” she told me. “And honor and dignity.” (sighs) Then she gets all misty.

Jimmy: Sheila’s into those books, too. “Sense and Sensible.”

Murphy: “Sense and Sensibility.”

Jimmy: Yeah, that’s what I said. When she finished it she just looked at me for a long time. I’m like “what? What the fuck did I do?”

Billy: You probably farted.

Murphy: Women love Austen because she saves them.

Frankie: What’d ya mean, Murph?

Murphy: She puts society women of the period into uncertainty and close to financial ruin and then she creates honorable men to rescue them through true love. Women like the idea of romance being a recipe for good. And quite frankly what man wouldn’t want to emulate George Knightley in “Emma?”

Billy: I thought it was Keira Knightley?

Jimmy: Shut your pie hole, moron. George Knightley is her old man.

Frankie: (nodding) I think I get it. Women want to be rescued.

Murphy: They want to be romanced, Frankie. They want to be loved.

Billy: That’s bullshit.

Jimmy: No, it’s true. It’s kinda like how, ya know, to us Beckett swooped in and rescued the Sox in the play-offs last year. He was like our knight in shining armor. Our big, old stallion.

Billy: You really are an idiot.

Frankie: Ya know, I… I haven’t told Marie how much I love her in a long time.

Murphy: It’s early, Frankie. Why don’t you go home?

Frankie: Yeah, yeah. I think I’m gonna do that. Thanks, Murph.

Billy: What the hell is going on?

Jimmy: (standing) Wait up, Frankie. I’m leavin’, too. I’ve got some things to talk to Sheila about. Keira Knightley kind of things. Night fellas.

(Both Frankie and Jimmy depart.)

Murphy: You want another Billy?

Billy: What the hell just happened? I feel like I got gay all over me.

Murphy: (putting a pint on the bar) Have you ever read “Hamlet?”

Billy: Yeah, sure, by Shakesbeard.

Murphy: Shakespeare.

Billy: Yeah, whatever. Can we please go back to talkin’ about Brady?

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I'm laughing so hard I'm turning blue.

I've neither read a Jane Austen book nor watched a movie based on one, and never had the urge to do either. I imagine someday I'll end up doing one or the other.

Blogger SQT said...

Just you wait Heather. You'll get sucked in by Jane Austin one of these days. It's in the girl rulebook.

Blogger GFS3 said...
I'm a sucker for Jane Austen. Although I would never admit that publicly.

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