DaRK PaRTY ReVIEW
::Literate Blather::
Monday, December 22, 2008
Under God's Right Arm: Santa Claus is a Terrorist

True Believing Christians Will Reject the Evil, Red-Clad Gnome at Christmas



By Colson Crosslick


Here is a statistic that should sicken the souls of true Christians: 86 percent of children believe in Santa Claus, yet only 70 percent believe that Jesus Christ is their All-Mighty and Powerful Lord and Savior.

Frightening, isn’t it?

After all, Christmas is
the birthday of the Sweet Baby Jesus, yet we have allowed the ancient pagan troll known as Santa Claus to hijack one of the holiest Christian holidays. What a despicable practice to kidnap another religion’s holy day!

This invasion by Santa Claus has enabled other religions to gain a foothold on Christmas. Because of this evil, red-clad gnome we now have Jews, Muslims, Atheists, and “other” religions celebrating Christmas as if it were a secular holiday.

Wouldn’t this be like Christians creating a make-believe character called “Hungry Habib” to celebrate the Muslim holy day of Ramadan? Hungry Habib, a midget with a red turban, could whisk through the air on a carpet pulled by eight flying camels and bring starving little Arab children heaping mounds of lentils and lamb kabobs to celebrate the end of Ramadan, a month-long religious fast.

Or how about Christians creating a character called “Greedy Goldstein”? Goldstein would be a hooked-nosed miser who breaks into Hebrew homes to leave spare change between the sofa cushions. Jewish children could run downstairs the morning after Yom Kippur and root around for quarters, dimes, nickels, and pennies.

Don’t expect to find Hungry Habib and Greedy Goldstein on lunch boxes or featured in Hollywood movies any time soon. Our liberal government and university professors protect these “politically correct” religions from commercial invasion. So we would never allow anybody to hijack one of these “precious” holidays.

Christians, meanwhile, have to put up with Santa Claus, a figure whose only purpose is to undermine the celebration of the birth of the Sweet Baby Jesus. If you don’t think Santa Claus is being used to undermine Christian values then you need go no further than a recent story in the New York Times.


Jews celebrating Christmas! What’s next? Commies celebrating Patriots Day?

I think all reasonable Christians can agree that Christmas needs to be filled with lots expensive gifts and presents (especially electronics and TVs). After all, the three kings brought the Sweet Baby Jesus gifts. Christmas in its essence is a birthday and birthdays need a lot of loot to be successful! We also need the commercial aspect of the holiday to help retail corporations meet their year-end profit goals (go Wal-Mart!).

But we must draw the line at including Santa Claus – better known as Satan Claus! He has come to represent the secularization of Christmas and enable other competing religions to join in the celebration of our holiday. Christmas is for Christians. Let the other religions celebrate their own holidays.

But Satan Claus allows these interlopers to come to the party because he undermines Christ on his most visible day. Satan Claus is also a pseudo-god –possessing magical powers and being immortal. So celebrating Christmas with Satan Claus breaks the Second Commandment about worshiping false gods.

But think about what else Satan Claus represents: socialism (toys for everyone!), equality among religions, liberalism, goodwill (even to sinners!), and that fat people are jolly. I know what you’re thinking – Satan Claus is starting to look a lot like Barrack Obama!

So Christians unite! Stop worshiping Satan Claus and bring the Sweet Baby Jesus and shopping to the forefront of Christmas – where they belong! And Merry Christmas to all Christians! You others move along – there’s nothing to see here!


(The Rev. Colson Crosslick is pastor of the Pretty Good Shepherd Church in Ripsaw, Arkansas. He plans to celebrate Christmas by buying himself a new HD-TV. He also writes the regularly appearing column Under God's Right Arm for DaRK PaRTY.)

More Wisdom from Rev. Crosslick:

How Lego Celebrates Murder

The Cult of Darwinism

The Satanic Appeal of Comic Books


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3 Comments:
Anonymous Anonymous said...
Apparently, The Reverend has completely missed the boat on what it means to be a 'Christian'. Pretty basic, really, but blown out of proportion with hyperbololic tongue-in-cheekiness for the sake of filling post quota. Nice job on the latter!

Cheers, and if you do see What's His Name in the red suit, give him a hug for me, would ya? After all, not all of us Christians hang the hard-Right flag over the front steps. Cheers, M.

Anonymous Colson said...
Dear Anonymous:
Be sure to say hi to Satan for me when you end up in hell for insulting one of the greatest Christian intellectuals of this decade.

And, yes, that would be me.

I don't know what "hyperbolic" means, but it sounds very un-Christian. Say your prayers, go to church, and stop kissing the jack-boots of Santa Claus!

Love in Christ,
Colson Crosslick

Anonymous Anonymous said...
"What a despicable practice to kidnap another religion’s holy day!"

I cannot begin to tell you how much this comment made me laught :-)

Far be it for me to contradict one of the greatest christian ego's of the decade, but "Christmas" was a Pagan Festival long before Christianity was a twinkle in Judaism's eye.

December the 25th is the Birthay of Heracles, sone of Zues and a demi-god that died and was resturected. December 25th was also the Birday of Mithras, a Roman Demi-God who was a protector of mankind and also died and was resurected. Christmas is a corruption of the Winter Solstice Celebrations that commenced on December the 21st. The Saturnalia was a 7 day festival that started on the Winter Solstice with December the 25th being a mid-point. The Saturnalia was a festival to mark the return of Spring and survival of Winter. The participants would give gifts to their friends and relatives and hold feasts to mark how well they had done. Santa Clause himself is the Christian corruption of the God Odin (who hung from the tree of life) who would give children gifts by visiting their homes on Solstice night dressed in a Green Suite with White Fur. I believe it was Coca Cola that changed the Green to Red to match their marketing stratergies.

As an intellectual, if you are going to write articles and rediculous statements as above, you should at least research the subject matter rather than blindly accepting the nonesence in your bible.

P.S. You can keep your Satan, your Hell, and your Church. Free thinking Pagans need no such negativity thrust upon them :-)

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