::Literate Blather::
Friday, February 13, 2009
What's Up With All the Fat, Naked Guys?

The 9 Worst Guy Naked Scenes of the Last 5 Years

Blame it on Harvey Keitel. In the movie, “Bad Lieutenant” (1992), Keitel played a sociopathic cop with a severe drug problem. In one scene, the high and intoxicated lieutenant staggers around naked and, well, hey, there’s Keitel’s rather wide, hairy body. And his, you know, little jimmy.

Full frontal.

Yeah, we didn’t want to eat our popcorn after that either.

But that opened up the floodgates. Suddenly every actor wanted to show
off his sausage factory on screen. But you can understand why actors like Colin Farrell and Bruce Willis strip down to their birthday suits. I mean at least they’re A-list movie star types.

But Will Ferrell? Who wants to see his naked body?

Does anybody (except maybe this guy)?

So despite the risk of being stricken blind and several trips to the restroom to vomit, DaRK PaRTY has compiled our list of the absolutely wo
rst male nude scenes in cinema history.

This is bad nak
ed at its worst.

Will Ferrell, “Semi-Pro” (2008)

The long, sweeping shot of Ferrell lying on a bench wearing nothing but white tube socks and with a red-white-and-blue basketball covering his love missile is nothing short of disturbing. The lyrics mention something about “swamp sweaty” as the camera features a close-up of the nest of tangled fur covering the meaty portions of his belly (see the video above).

Jason Segel, Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)

Jason Segel spends an awful lot of time naked in this 2008 comedy. Too much time. The scene where he’s sitting on a leather couch (ooh, chaffing!) with Kristen Bell – who should have been given hazard pay – is uncomfortable at best and downright scary at worse. Segel has a strange, hairless body – all thigh and torso. At times you think, “Hmm not bad” and then at other points you’re screaming “MY EYES ARE BURNING!”

Adam Sandler, Don’t Mess With The Zohan (2008)

Sandler plays slap the monkey with his golden banana during a twisted beach scene in Zohan. The movie is about an Israeli spy who wants to be a hairdresser and has an unnatural attraction to banging women over the age of 65 (shudder). The scene has Sandler grilling seafood naked as his butt c
heeks sink toward the sand. Then he gives his hips a wild shake and you can hear his rootball banging against his belly. It’s more frightening than any scene from “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”

M.C. Ga
iney, Sideways (2004)

Remember the scene when Paul Giamatti is sneaking out of Cammi’s house and her enormous naked husband chases him through the neighborhood with his swinging warthog? That poor, round, hairy bastard was M.C. Gainey.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Before the Devil Knows Your Dead (2007)

I can understand the pressure Phillip Seymour Hoffman was under. I mean everyone else is naked in the movie. But the others are Ethan Hawke and Marisa Tomei. Phil? What were you thinking? Because oval, pale guys with weight problems and blotchy skin just shouldn’t be naked. Even in the shower.

Tom Hanks, Charlie Wilson’s War (2007)

Tom Hanks may have been able to pull off naked 10 years ago. But now? What was he thinking when he did the hot tub scene in “Charlie Wilson’s War”?
We know what we were thinking. Hey, Tom Hanks has man boobies.

Bob Hoskins, Mrs. Henderson Presents (2005)

This British comedy (with heart) is about showgirls during World War II. It’s an exploitive mess that would have disappeared quietly and quickly if not for Bob Hoskins disrobing and giving the shocked audience a full frontal shot of his hamburger helper. We wondered if Bob had been in some terrible accident. Ew!

Terry Bradshaw, Failure to Launch (2006)

This may be one of the most bizarre male nude shots of all time – because there is absolutely no need for it. It’s like it was thrown into the movie to give Terry more screen time. The concept is that Terry’s character wants a “nude” room for himself. And he gets it – wandering around and letting us see it all. Wow. We know he’s gone from NFL quarterback to TV chimpanzee. But this was too much.

Seth Rogan, “Zack and Miri Make A Porno” (2008)

Not just Seth Rogan, but with a pirate beard and thick glasses. Talk about a big, white butt with carbuncles. Whoa Nelly!

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