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Labels: 12 Signs, comics, Humor, superheroes

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Labels: Batman, book review, comics, Cracked-Back, Iron Fist, Thor

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AQUAMAN: Hey, thanks for agreeing to meet with me, Batman.

BATMAN: Yeah, yeah. (To the waitress) Gimme a scotch and make it a double, sweetheart. (Watching the waitress leave) Is she new?

AQUAMAN: I don’t know.

BATMAN: Christ, she’s got a tighter ass than Catwoman. And, dude, you can bounce a bat-a-rang on that bootie. Have you seen the latest Hollywood returns?

AQUAMAN: Ah, no.

(The waitress delivers Batman’s drink. He winks at her and she rolls her eyes.)

BATMAN: $440 million gross for “The Dark Knight.” Can you believe that shit? They fucking love me.

AQUAMAN: Wow.

BATMAN (Slurping his drink): Wow? Wow? Who are you to judge? When’s the last time they made a movie about Aquaman?

AQUAMAN: Two years ago!

BATMAN: Two years… Wait a minute! You’re not counting that piece of shit made for TV movie? I’m talking about Hollywood… movie theaters. You get me? And I’ve got the real answer for you – NEVER!

AQUAMAN: Hey, come on. The lead actor Justin Hartley wasn’t half bad.

BATMAN (Laughing): He was better playing Green Arrow in “Smallville.” Way better. “The Dark Knight” is my sixth movie since 1989. George Clooney played me! Fucking Val Kilmer.

AQUAMAN: You’ve made your point.

BATMAN: I’m the balls. Who’s bigger than me?

AQUAMAN: Spiderman?

BATMAN: Spiderman? Bug boy? Robin could kick his skinny, whiny ass.

AQUAMAN: All right. You’re hot. Bigger than Superman.

BATMAN (Snickering): I know. It kills him. Man of Steel. Did you watch “Superman Returns?” Holy shit did that suck! Is there a more boring villain than Lex Luthor? Come on, people! Lex Luthor?

AQUAMAN: Listen this is kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.

BATMAN: What? Movies?

AQUAMAN: Well, you know, image.

BATMAN: You mean like being the Dark Knight or the King of the Sea?

AQUAMAN: What’s wrong with King of the Sea?

BATMAN (Laughing): It sounds like a bargain brand of tuna fish. Look at yourself! For Christ sake you’re wearing a yellow shirt with scales and lime green pants.

AQUAMAN: Hey, Robin wears yellow.

BATMAN: You see Robin here? Huh? Has Robin been in any of my movies lately? The freak. You think he gets any tail wearing those stupid shorts? Yellow? What kind of superhero wears goddamn yellow? Not even the broads wear yellow.

AQUAMAN: Wonder Woman has a golden lasso.

BATMAN: Wonder Woman has gravity defying tits. And she doesn’t wear yellow, douche bag.

AQUAMAN: Is that kind of language necessary?

BATMAN: You just don’t get it. You’re vanilla, man, totally vanilla.

AQUAMAN: So I should wear black then?

BATMAN: Did I tell you to copy me? Why not silver? Silver is cool. Or even like a deep purple.

AQUAMAN: That’s it then? I’ll get a movie if I wear purple?

BATMAN: I didn’t say that. Dude, you talk to fish.

AQUAMAN: So? Telepathy is one of my powers. I’ve got enhanced strength and speed. I can breathe underwater and dehydrate people. That’s pretty cool.

BATMAN: Big deal.

AQUAMAN: Hey, you don’t even have super powers! You’re just a guy.

BATMAN (Shrugs): It’s about attitude. Style.

AQUAMAN: Style?

BATMAN: Water just isn’t cool. Aquaman? Please! Your name sounds like some kind of yuppie water filter. You hear what I’m saying? Now Batman! Jesus, I get chills!

AQUAMAN: So a silver costume and a new name?

BATMAN: Yeah. How about Water Demon? Or Sea Fury?

AQUAMAN: I don’t know.

BATMAN: Or Liquid Lord. Makes you sound like a fucking Greek God.

AQUAMAN: Aquaman has history though.

BATMAN (Standing): Whatever. Keep your stupid name and your ballerina outfit. I’ve got a date with Poison Ivy and I’m late. Swim home to your goldfish and try not to “dehydrate” anyone on the way.

AQUAMAN: Ah… all right. We still on for poker Monday night with Green Lantern and the Flash?

BATMAN: Maybe. I’ll call you.

10 Superheroes with the Coolest Powers

Batman Wises Up

The Best and Worst of Superhero Movies

Labels: Aquaman, Batman, comics, Humor, Parody, superheroes

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Revisiting the Breakthrough Graphic Novel 22 Years Later

Writer Alan Moore created “Watchmen” in 1986 because he wanted to push the comic book beyond adolescence into what he called “a superhero Moby Dick.” The 12 edition comic book series – and later the compilation graphic novel – went on to win the Hugo Award and to be named one of TIME magazine’s 100 Best Novels since 1923.

There is little doubt that “Watchmen” blazed a new path for comics – especially superhero comics. But did it really have the impact of Art Spiegelman’s “Maus,” which was first published in 1973 or even Gil Kane and Archie Goodwin’s “Blackmark” (1971), arguably the first “graphic novel” published in the U.S.?

And did Moore succeed in creating a comic book “Moby Dick?”

First let’s explore the narrative. “Watchmen” is a dark story. It captures the pre-apocalyptic fears of modern American and Western Europe in the mid-to-late 1980s as the Cold War rhetoric between the Soviet Union and United States was at its highest since the Bay of Pigs. The novel is in its essence a questioning of authority – especially of government and traditional institutions. That’s why the question: “Who watches the Watchmen?” appears throughout the novel.

The story centers on a group of masked adventurers in an alternative universe to our own 1980s (one in which Nixon remains president). The “superheroes” are, in fact, regular human beings with no real powers – other than extraordinary physical conditioning and mental acumen. Doctor Manhattan is only character with superhuman skills as a result of a scientific experiment gone wrong.

The novel opens with the murder of the Comedian (Edward Blake), one of the costumed avengers affiliated with the CIA and other secret government agencies. Rorschach, a second costumed hero, who refused to give up his vigilante lifestyle even after the U.S. government outlawed costumed heroes in 1977, investigates the murder.

Through the investigation, the novel enters the lives of the various costumed heroes: Nite Owl (a first and a second version), Ozymandias, Captain Metropolis, Silk Spectre (first a mother, then her daughter), Doctor Manhattan, the Comedian, and Rorschach. The characters are all flawed – some of them grossly so. The Comedian, for example, is a misogynist and rapist and Rorschach is a sociopath.

Rorschach thinks he has uncovered a plot to murder all of the costumed adventurers and enlists the help of his former partner, Nite Owl, to help him. Meanwhile, the super powerful Doctor Manhattan, who has the ability to restructure reality and to manipulate time and space, continues to struggle with relating to regular human beings. After rumors that being near him causes cancer, he banishes himself to Mars.

The murders end up being the work of the genius Ozymandias, who has concocted an elaborate scheme to bring the world’s nations together: a fake alien invasion that kills thousands of people. His costumed friend figure out his plot, but are unable to stop it. And, in the end, it turns out Ozymandias is right.

The weakest part of “Watchmen” is the plot, especially the comic book ending. There are so many holes in the logic and execution of Ozymandias’ scheme that it’s difficult to follow or understand. But the plot isn’t really the driver in “Watchmen” – it’s the characters and Moore’s success with deconstructing superhero mythos.

Moore has taken stock superhero stereotypes and added depth and complexity. Rorschach, Doctor Manhattan, and the Comedian shine as the stand-outs – loners with a lot of psychological problems trying to cope in a world teeming with misery. Moore has less success with Ozymandias, Nite Owl, and Silk Spectre who don’t have the depth or the conviction of the stand-out characters.

The novel is heavy on symbolism (lots of watches and clocks, for example) and mood – but differs from comic books from the time period by providing a straight forward and objective point of view. It’s up to the readers – not Moore as the author – to figure out how to react to the action on the page.

Another interesting device is Moore’s use of a “story within a story” by having a young boy read a comic book about pirates called “Tales of the Black Freighter.” The pirate story – about a man escaping from a pirate ship filled with dead, doomed souls – echoes the action of “Watchmen” and acts as juxtaposition to the main story.

The artwork in “Watchmen” feels like a throwback to the Golden Age of comics in the 1950s and 1960s (in fact, primary artist Dave Gibbons credits Norman Rockwell as an inspiration for “Watchmen”). There’s a cinematic feel to the artwork – especially of noir films with the shadows and darkness. But there’s surprising little movement to the graphics and sometimes the panels feel a bit inert.

So how influential was “Watchmen”? It is generally credited with taking superhero comics from low-brow kid’s entertainment and catapulting into high-brow art. That’s no minor achievement. “Watchmen” also ushered in an era of dark and bleak story lines around comic book superheroes (can we blame “Watchmen” for the death of Superman and Captain America?).

But Moore certainly didn’t attain his goal of creating the “Moby-Dick” of comic books. “Maus,” for example, is clearly a greater literary achievement than “Watchmen.”

Influential?

Yes.

But a hallmark of great literature?

No.

Ode to "Fight Club"

The 5 Most Addictive Arcade Games

Labels: Alan Moore, book review, comics, superheroes, Watchmen

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The Super Abilities that Would Enhance
Your Everyday Life

It’s obviously a burning question. If you could be any superhero – who would you choose to be?

Unfortunately, that’s not the right question.

Superheroes like Batman, for example, technically don’t have any powers. They are normal human beings – with exaggerated skill sets. So it’s easy for DC Comics to conveniently forget that Batman is just a guy – and have him do impossible feats anyway.

There are also those superheroes whose powers come with a lot of baggage (i.e. negative intangibles). For example, The Thing has superhuman strength, but who wants to be trapped inside his hard-as-granite body? The concept of the Hulk might be fun, but losing your temper would be out of the question. And some of those X-Men mutants would be out the question (hello, Beast).

We want powers – powers that we can utilize in everyday life (and powers that don’t make us a freak). So the real question should be: Which superhero has the coolest powers?

Lucky for you DaRK PaRTY has the answers:

(And for sake of argument – we’re not going to include Superman – who seems to have every damn power imaginable. And let’s face the facts: who really wants to be one of those heroes with super insect abilities like Spiderman and Ant-Man? Isn’t that kind of disgusting?)

The Vision

Secret Identity: Victor Shade

Creator: Timely Comics (later bought by Marvel Comics)

Origin: The android Vision was created by the robot Ultron from an android of the Human Torch (yeah, it’s complicated). Vision rebelled against his creator and joined the Avengers – later marrying Scarlet Witch.

Costume: Green and yellow tights with a flowing yellow cape. Vision has an orange face and a bald dome.

First Appeared: Marvel Mystery Comics #13 (November, 1940). First appeared as an android and a member of the Avengers in Avengers #57 (October, 1968)

Cool Powers: Vision can control the density and mass of his body – becoming as vaporous as steam to as indestructible as iron. As a result of this power, he can move through walls and fly. He possesses superhuman strength and the ability to shoot beams of energy from his eyes and a jewel fastened to his forehead. Vision is also a computer expert and certified genius.

Cool Factor: What’s not to love about changing the density of your body? Think about the bully wanting to punch you out and you get to change your body so it’s as hard as a diamond and he breaks his hand on your face. How about flying? How about never needing IT support? How about tackling that New York Times crossword puzzle? How about mixing with the steam in the girl’s locker room?

The Flash

Secret Identity: Jay Garrick (he was the first Flash, but there have been three others Barry Allen, Wally West, and Bart Allen)

Creator: DC Comics

Origin: Jay Garrick inhaled hard vapors to gain his powers, but there are three other origin stories. The best is probably for Barry Allen, a police scientist who accidentally bathed in chemicals and then was struck by lightning.

Costume: Red tights with a yellow lightning bolt on his chest, yellow boots, and yellow gloves. A face covering with small wings hides his eyes and forehead.

First Appeared: Flash Comics #1 (January, 1940)

Cool Powers: Flash is the fastest human being in the world (and lately even travels faster than Superman). He has the ability to run, move, and react at superhuman speeds. He can vibrate his molecules to walk through solid matter (like walls or bank vaults) and can even run so fast as to move backward in time.

Cool Factor: No more being late for meetings. And even if you do miss one you can simply run back in time. Besides, wouldn’t it be fun to run so fast that you can move across water (and even step across clouds)? Who needs a plane ticket to Costa Rica when you can be there in a matter of seconds? Want coffee in Seattle, breakfast in New York, lunch in China, tea in London, and then dinner in Paris? No problem!

Green Lantern

Secret Identity: Hal Jordan is the best known, but there have been many Green Lanterns including Alan Scott, Guy Gardner, John Stewart (no relation to the comedian), Kyle Rayner, and Jade

Creator: DC Comics

Origin: There are also various origin stories. But the Green Lantern is a member of an intergalactic protection squad known as the Green Lantern Corps – basically guardians of the universe. The Green Lanterns all have a power ring that gives them their powers. Sticking with Hal Jordan, he was a test pilot who was given the ring by an alien being that crash on Earth.

Costume: Green and black tights – with the torso in green and the black as the extremities. The Green Lantern logo adorns the chest. He also wears an eye mask.

First Appeared: All-American Comics #16 (1940)

Cool Powers: The power ring is the ultimate weapon and can give the bearer some amazing powers: flight (even at the speed of light), time travel, telepathic powers, language translation, force fields, become invisible, and firing plasma bolts. Basically the ring’s powers are only limited by the imagination of the user.

Cool Factor: The ring has to recharge on occasion and has limited abilities against yellow objects. But, hey, this is one cool piece of jewelry. Using its telepathic powers makes being a couch potato so much easier (and the ability to turn yourself invisible is handy when the wife walks into the living room looking for you to mow the lawn). And who wouldn’t want a force field to keep off the rain, walk across puddles, and tune out the boss at work?

Wonder Man

Secret Identity: Simon Williams

Creator: Marvel Comics

Origin: Originally a villain, Wonder Man was created by Simon Williams, a rich industrialist, tries to embezzle money from his failed company and ends up in prison. He blames Tony Stark (Ironman) and lets a super villain Baron Zemo transform him into an ion-powered superhero. In the end, Wonder Man turns on Zemo and becomes a member of the Avengers.

Costume: Red sunglasses, red and black tank top, and gray tights

First Appeared: Avengers #9 (October, 1964)

Cool Powers: Wonder Man is one tough customer with incredible superhuman strength, speed, stamina, and reflexes. But even better is that he has self-regenerating ionic energy that gives him immortality and the ability to live without needing to sleep, eat, or even breathe. Bonus – he can fly.

Cool Factor: In this age of 24/7 everything – who wouldn’t want to the ability not to sleep or eat? Think of how productive you’d be at work and at home without needing eight hours of forced interruption (known as sleep). Without sleeping and eating, you could finally finish reading “Moby Dick.”

Starfox

Secret Identity: Eros (we’ll get to this!)

Creator: Marvel Comics

Origin: Eros is an Eternal, a super subset of humanity that left Earth and settled on Titan, a moon of Saturn, many centuries ago. Starfox is a laid-back adventurer with a thing for the ladies.

Costume: Red tights with a white triangle breast plate, golden metal wrist bands, and white calf-high boots.

First Appeared: Iron Man #55 (February, 1973)

Cool Powers: Starfox has superhuman strength, speed, and stamina. He can also fly. But we’re saving the best for last – his ability to slow aging and heal faster than normal are very cool, but his real showstopper is his psychic charm. Starfox can stimulate the pleasure centers in other people’s minds – making them very susceptible to his charms. He can make women become infatuated with him.

Cool Factor: High school would have been a breeze as Starfox. Think how fun it would have been to date the entire cheerleading squad. Think of how easy work would be as you convince your co-workers to do all your work for you as you charm your boss into giving you promotions, raises, and bonuses. Tax audit? No worries! Pulled over for speeding? Hello, officer! Feel like dating Kirsten Dunst or Winona Ryder? Good evening, ladies!

Echo (aka Ronin)

Secret Identity: Maya Lopez

Creator: Marvel Comics

Origin: Her father is killed by the super villain Kingpin – but ends up being raised by Kingpin (her father leaves a bloody handprint on her face – thus the below explanation for her odd costume).

Costume: Black jumpsuit with long leather gloves and white hand print on her face

First Appeared: Daredevil Vol. 2 #9 (December, 1999)

Cool Powers: While an amazingly gifted athlete, Echo has the very cool ability to perfectly mimic other people’s movements and skills. By simple observation, Echo can become a concert-level violinist, a black-belt in martial arts, paint a portrait worthy of Van Gogh, operate any kind of equipment, and even become a baseball pitching ace.

Cool Factor: Talk about impressing your friends! There would be no skill and no endeavor that you wouldn’t be able to master completely. Want to become a fencing champion? How about an Oscar winning actress? Feel the need to win the Indy 500? Maybe you can pen a bestseller in your spare time. And how saving boatloads of cash on contractors? No more plumbers, carpenters or electricians. You’ll be able to do it all.

Multiple Man

Secret Identity: James Madrox

Creator: Marvel Comics

Origin: He is a mutant and was born with his abilities.

Costume: Dark green tights with a cool atom like logo on his chest.

First Appeared: Giant Size Fantastic Four #4 (February, 1975)

Cool Powers: By harnessing kinetic energy (like clapping his hands or banging his feet), Multiple Man can create unlimited duplicates of himself (and even the duplicates can make duplicates). Multiple Man can also duplicate anything he is holding. Each of his copies can think on their own and have independent experiences. Once he reabsorbs the duplicates those experiences become that of Multiple Man.

Cool Factor: You could get a lot done as Multiple Man. Send one duplicate to work, have another mow the lawn, send a third to the grocery store, a fourth will mind the kids, a fifth can do volunteer work at the soup kitchen, the sixth can study and take classes for your MBA, and a seventh can watch cartoons on TV. There are really no limits to how many different lives and experiences you could have.

Captain Marvel

Secret Identity: William Batson

Creator: Fawcett Comics (later DC Comics)

Origin: Radio reporter Billy Batson was given the power to transform himself into a superhero by uttering the word “Shazam!” by the good wizard of the same name.

Costume: Red tights with a lightning bolt across the chest and a short white cape trimmed in gold.

First Appeared: Whiz Comics #2 (February, 1940)

Cool Powers: Captain Marvel may possess the coolest of powers – especially if you’re fond of Greek mythology. He has the wisdom of Solomon, the strength of Hercules, the stamina of Atlas, the power of Zeus, the courage of Achilles, and the speed of Mercury (spell it out and you get SHAZAM). And, yes, he can fly, too.

Cool Factor: Tapping into the collective power of Greek gods and heroes at will would be a boon to anyone. Captain Marvel has great wisdom (which allows him to hypnotize people), his stamina means he doesn’t have to eat or sleep or breathe. He can lift anything. Hell, he even has the ability to use magic. What’s not to like?

The Phantom Stranger

Secret Identity: Unknown

Creator: DC Comics

Origin: DC has never revealed The Phantom Stranger’s origin, but has hinted at possibilities such as: he is a fallen angel, a citizen spared God’s wrath in biblical days, that he was a soldier who helped kill Jesus and now he helps society, and that he may be a being from another universe.

Costume: He looks a bit like the Phantom of the Opera. He wears a dark suit, a cloak, and a fedora that continually shades his face.

First Appeared: Phantom Stranger #1 (August/September 1952)

Cool Powers: The full extent of the Phantom Stranger’s powers is unknown, but he is immortal. He can travel great distances in short periods of time and can travel to realms such as heaven and hell. He’s also been known to time travel, dispel magic and illusions, and look into the future. He can also fire bolts of energy.

Cool Factor: The Phantom Stranger is basically a bad ass. His powers would be essential for any business man – zipping to and from meetings on both coasts, visiting colleagues and clients in hell, traveling back in time to make sure that this time you zip up your fly for those prom photos. And why not give the guy who cut you off this morning a burst of energy bolt?

Thor

Secret Identity: Thor has several identities: Donald Blake, Sigurd Jarlson, Jake Olsen and the bizarre Donar the Mighty

Creator: Marvel Comics

Origin: He is a Norse God – Thor the God of Thunder (how’s that for a cool sounding moniker?)

Costume: Ancient armor garbed with a steel helmet with wings, red cloak, and a really, really large war hammer.

First Appeared: Journey into Mystery #83 (August, 1962)

Cool Powers: Well, Thor is the Norse god of Thunder and Lightning. So he’s not to be trifled with. He’s not immortal, but close to it having lived for thousands of years. He’s the strongest Norse god and when he’s in combat his battle rage can increase his strength by a factor of 10x. His magic hammer, Mjolnir, helps him control weather, fly, and send out blasts of energy known as: The God Blast.

Cool Factor: How about showing up for a board meeting and howling “I AM THOR GOD OF THUNDER!” We bet that would shorten the question and answer period a tad. And really can there be a better pick-up line than telling a woman that you’re a Norse God?

5 Questions About: Comic Books

The 5 Best and 5 Worst Movies about Superheroes

Labels: comics, superheroes

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With the new Ironman movie scheduled to premiere in May (see the trailer above), DaRK PaRTY decided it was time to set some limits. Not every superhero and villain is worthy of celluloid fame.

So far we’ve gotten films about Batman, Superman, X-Men, the Fantastic Four, Spiderman, Punisher, Swamp Thing, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Dick Tracy, Hulk, Daredevil, Captain America, Electra, Blade, Hellboy, Crow, and even Howard the Duck. Most are worthy (we’ll leave Electra and Howard the Duck on the table).

But the film industry is beginning to run out of A-list superheroes. We want to make sure that we don’t dig too deep into the annals of superhero comics. It could be dangerous – if not downright embarrassing.

That’s why we’ve compiled a list of 12 superheroes and villains that no one in their right mind would opt for the Hollywood treatment. In fact, these superheroes are so lame – most people wouldn’t even want to have their powers.

Editor’s Note: We aren’t including Robin on the list. Robin is the king of lame superheroes and therefore is automatically including in any list of lame-ass superheroes – even if he isn’t officially listed.

The Whizzer

Secret Identity: Robert L. Frank

Origin: In Africa with his doctor father, Frank is bitten by a cobra. His father injects him with the blood of a mongoose to counteract the cobra venom. The result: super speed.

Powers: He’s very, very fast.

Appearance: With the name The Whizzer it may have been a mistake to put him in a bright yellow costume.

Lame Factor: I guess the name The Flash was taken, but, my God, the Whizzer?

Creator: Timely Comics (later Marvel Comics)

First Appeared: 1941

Snide Comment: The United States was on the verge of entering World War II – so clearly people were distracted. But naming a superhero after a bodily function probably doomed The Whizzer from becoming the next Superman.

Beak

Secret Identity: Barnell Bohusk

Origin: Barnell was born a mutant that gave him birdlike qualities – except, amazingly, the power to fly.

Powers: He can glide for short distances, has enhanced eyesight, and his hands are talons. Oh, he’s got feathers, too.

Appearance: A plucked chicken clad in X-Men leather.

Lame Factor: These are powers? Poor bastard should hunt down the folks at Purdue.

Creator: Marvel Comics (a minor mutant character in the X-Men series)

First Appeared: 2001

Snide Comment: We wonder if he tastes like chicken. Believe it or not, but Beak has become a fan favorite and even has a fan site dedicated to him.

The Gay Ghost

Secret Identity: Keith Everet

Origin: Everet is the Earl of Strethmere (in Ireland) when he is attacked by bandits who steal his purse (no really!). He’s murdered and his spirit goes to heaven where his ancestors agree to allow him to return to earth as the Gay Ghost.

Powers: He can possess other people’s bodies and is an expert, ahem, swordsman.

Appearance: An 18^th century Earl – who happens to have long, luscious hair, is transparent, and ghostly.

Lame Factor: He’s called the Gay Ghost – which is an enormous liability.

Creator: DC Comics

First Appeared: 1942

Snide Comment: Clearly, the gay movement hadn’t happened when Gay Ghost was created – and yet the character seems to be, well, gay.

Wallflower

Secret Identity: Laurie Collins

Origin: Collins grew up in a single-parent home before becoming a student at the Xavier Institute (famous as home of the X-Men).

Powers: She can manipulate the emotions of other people with pheromones.

Appearance: She looks like a pouty, blond cheerleader.

Lame Factor: She also acts like a pouty, blond cheerleader. And her major power seems to be the ability to make people cry at whim.

Creator: Marvel Comics (one of the more ridiculous mutants)

First Appeared: 2003

Snide Comment: Clearly, the folks at Marvel were having trouble with their teenage daughters. Yet here’s another minor superhero with a fan site.

Power Girl

Secret Identity: Kara Zor-L

Origin: Okay, she was blasted into space after the planet Krypton exploded. If this sounds familiar – it is. This is exactly the same origin as Superman. Superman, in fact, is her cousin.

Powers: Exactly the same as Superman (enormous strength, X-ray vision, blah, blah, blah).

Appearance: White spandex bathing suit with an amazing push-up bra.

Lame Factor: She’s Superman with Jennifer Aniston’s hair and gravity defying breasts.

Creator: DC Comics (apparently developed during a very bad brainstorm session).

First Appeared: 1976

Snide Comment: This is what Superman would look like if he was a stripper.

Hawkman

Secret Identity: Carter Hall

Origin: Hall is the reincarnation of Prince Khufu who died centuries ago while in combat with an Egyptian wizard.

Powers: He can fly using artificial wings made of Nth mental from the Planet Thanagar.

Appearance: A guy in a hawk outfit – generally not wearing a shirt.

Lame Factor: He’s got wings and uses spears and maces as weapons. One gets the sense that even Green Arrow could take him.

Creator: DC Comics

First Appeared: 1940

Snide Comment: Could not come up with a better name than Hawkman?

Brother Voodoo

Secret Identity: Jericho Drumm

Origin: Amazingly, Drumm is from Haiti (what are the chances?). A psychologist by trade, he returns to his homeland to see his dying brother. Urged by his brother to learn voodoo, Drumm studies under Papa Jambo to become the new Brother Voodoo.

Powers: Drumm taps the power of Loa to create smoke, control fire, and command living things – mostly animals such as snakes, alligators and dogs. He can boost his strength by summoning the spirit of his dead brother.

Appearance: Think of all the racist stereotypes of a black man as a voodoo priest and, well, that’s Brother Voodoo.

Lame Factor: It feels like Brother Voodoo may have been a rejected villain for a James Bond movie. Also, one of Brother Voodoo’s aliases is “He-Who-Has-Died-Twice.”

Creator: Marvel Comics

First Appeared: 1973

Snide Comment: Brother Voodoo could only have been created in the 1970s.

Green Arrow

Secret Identity: Oliver Queen

Origin: Queen, a millionaire playboy, tumbles off a yacht and washes onto the shore of a tropical island with a movie prop – a green longbow. Stranded for months on the island, Queen hones his skills as an archer before tricking smugglers to taking him back home to Star City.

Powers: Queen – mind you after only months of practice! – is the world’s greatest archer. He uses his money to develop all kinds of gimmick arrows to help him fight crime (like arrows with grappling hooks!).

Appearance: A green Robin Hood with a blond goatee

Lame Factor: This man has no super powers at all.

Creator: DC Comics

First Appeared: 1941

Snide Comment: Thank god he wasn’t washed up on the island with a slingshot.

Animal Man

Secret Identity: Buddy Baker

Origin: While hunting, Baker is zapped by aliens with a laser. His body is reconstructed with “morphogenetic grafts” that allow him to temporarily mimic any animal that has ever existed by tapping into “the unseen web of energy that links and shapes all animal life.”

Powers: He can fly like an eagle, run like a cheetah, and absorb the strength of a lion.

Appearance: Red and blue spandex with (get this) a black leather jacket.

Lame Factor: We wonder: when he’s feeling sensitive does he absorb the abilities of pink flamingos?

Creator: DC Comics (he actually had his own comic book)

First Appeared: 1965

Snide Comment: Shape of a chipmunk!

Kangaroo

Secret Identity: Frank Oliver

Origin: Oliver, shockingly a native of Australia, was obsessed with kangaroos and began to live with them. He ate the same food, ran and hopped with them, until he developed the same abilities as his marsupial friends.

Powers: He can box and jump just like a kangaroo!

Appearance: A muscular Crocodile Dundee.

Lame Factor: One can only imagine what life in the Outback must have been like for Oliver and his kangaroo pals as the skipped, hopped, and dined together.

Creator: Marvel Comics (first appeared as an enemy to Spiderman)

First Appeared: 1970

Snide Factor: May be the lamest origin story ever.

Mole Man

Secret Identity: Harvey Rupert Elder

Origin: A genius, but very ugly, Elder was shunned for his looks. He spent his life searching for a legendary underground kingdom. Finally, after washing up on the shores of Monster Island (we don’t make this stuff up, folks) he found Subterranea and became one of its masters.

Powers: He’s blind, but all his other senses are razor sharp. He has the radar of a bat (but apparently the name Bat Man was taken). He invents all kinds of weird weaponry that he uses in combat.

Appearance: Think Danny DeVito with thick glasses.

Lame Factor: He’s a mole. Need we say anymore?

Creator: Marvel Comics (originally a villain to The Fantastic Four)

First Appeared: 1961

Snide Comment: Mole Man was created by Stan Lee – even the king can have an off day.

Matter-Eater Lad

Secret Identity: Tenzil Kem

Origin: Born on the planet Bismoll, Kem was injected with microbes like the rest of the population because it helped them eat their food. As a result, Kem is able to eat anything and well, unfortunately, he does.

Powers: He can eat any substance.

Appearance: A teenage boy in a green and yellow outfit of his superhero group – Legion of Super-Heroes.

Lame Factor: Matter-Eater Lad is proof that even comic book writers get desperate.

Creator: DC Comics

First Appeared: 1963

Snide Comment: No one wants to follow Matter-Eater Lad into the restroom.

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Labels: comics, superheroes

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