::Literate Blather::
Thursday, August 21, 2008
A Slightly Intoxicated Batman Gives Some Frank Career Advice to Aquaman
(Scene: A quiet table in the backroom of Granny Goodness’ Feel Good Saloon in lower Gotham.)

AQUAMAN: Hey, thanks for agreeing to meet with me, Batman.

BATMAN: Yeah, yeah. (To the waitress) Gimme a scotch and make it a double, sweetheart. (Watching the waitress leave) Is she new?

AQUAMAN: I don’t know.

BATMAN: Christ, she’s got a tighter ass than Catwoman. And, dude, you can bounce a bat-a-rang on that bootie. Have you seen the latest Hollywood returns?

AQUAMAN: Ah, no.

(The waitress delivers Batman’s drink. He winks at her and she rolls her eyes.)

BATMAN: $440 million gross for “The Dark Knight.” Can you believe that shit? They fucking love me.


BATMAN (Slurping his drink): Wow? Wow? Who are you to judge? When’s the last time they made a movie about Aquaman?

AQUAMAN: Two years ago!

BATMAN: Two years… Wait a minute! You’re not counting that piece of shit made for TV movie? I’m talking about Hollywood… movie theaters. You get me? And I’ve got the real answer for you – NEVER!

AQUAMAN: Hey, come on. The lead actor Justin Hartley wasn’t half bad.

BATMAN (Laughing): He was better playing Green Arrow in “Smallville.” Way better. “The Dark Knight” is my sixth movie since 1989. George Clooney played me! Fucking Val Kilmer.

AQUAMAN: You’ve made your point.

BATMAN: I’m the balls. Who’s bigger than me?

AQUAMAN: Spiderman?

BATMAN: Spiderman? Bug boy? Robin could kick his skinny, whiny ass.

AQUAMAN: All right. You’re hot. Bigger than Superman.

BATMAN (Snickering): I know. It kills him. Man of Steel. Did you watch “Superman Returns?” Holy shit did that suck! Is there a more boring villain than Lex Luthor? Come on, people! Lex Luthor?

AQUAMAN: Listen this is kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.

BATMAN: What? Movies?

AQUAMAN: Well, you know, image.

BATMAN: You mean like being the Dark Knight or the King of the Sea?

AQUAMAN: What’s wrong with King of the Sea?

BATMAN (Laughing): It sounds like a bargain brand of tuna fish. Look at yourself! For Christ sake you’re wearing a yellow shirt with scales and lime green pants.

AQUAMAN: Hey, Robin wears yellow.

BATMAN: You see Robin here? Huh? Has Robin been in any of my movies lately? The freak. You think he gets any tail wearing those stupid shorts? Yellow? What kind of superhero wears goddamn yellow? Not even the broads wear yellow.

AQUAMAN: Wonder Woman has a golden lasso.

BATMAN: Wonder Woman has gravity defying tits. And she doesn’t wear yellow, douche bag.

AQUAMAN: Is that kind of language necessary?

BATMAN: You just don’t get it. You’re vanilla, man, totally vanilla.

AQUAMAN: So I should wear black then?

BATMAN: Did I tell you to copy me? Why not silver? Silver is cool. Or even like a deep purple.

AQUAMAN: That’s it then? I’ll get a movie if I wear purple?

BATMAN: I didn’t say that. Dude, you talk to fish.

AQUAMAN: So? Telepathy is one of my powers. I’ve got enhanced strength and speed. I can breathe underwater and dehydrate people. That’s pretty cool.

BATMAN: Big deal.

AQUAMAN: Hey, you don’t even have super powers! You’re just a guy.

BATMAN (Shrugs): It’s about attitude. Style.


BATMAN: Water just isn’t cool. Aquaman? Please! Your name sounds like some kind of yuppie water filter. You hear what I’m saying? Now Batman! Jesus, I get chills!

AQUAMAN: So a silver costume and a new name?

BATMAN: Yeah. How about Water Demon? Or Sea Fury?

AQUAMAN: I don’t know.

BATMAN: Or Liquid Lord. Makes you sound like a fucking Greek God.

AQUAMAN: Aquaman has history though.

BATMAN (Standing): Whatever. Keep your stupid name and your ballerina outfit. I’ve got a date with Poison Ivy and I’m late. Swim home to your goldfish and try not to “dehydrate” anyone on the way.

AQUAMAN: Ah… all right. We still on for poker Monday night with Green Lantern and the Flash?

BATMAN: Maybe. I’ll call you.

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Blogger SQT said...
Looks like success is going to Batman's head. I guess the Joker needs to slap him around a little more.

Blogger GFS3 said...
Poor Aquaman. The most hated and misunderstood of all the major superheroes.

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