The God of Thunder Answers Readers Questions About Interior and Exterior Design

Dear Thor:

I just bought a new house that needs a lot of work. The previous owners were elderly and didn’t do any real improvements since the late 1960s. It all seems so daunting to get everything up to date. Where do I start?

Sincerely,

Desperate in New Jersey

DEAR DESPERATE:

I AM THOR THE GOD OF THUNDER, THE ANCIENT IMMORTAL OF STORMS, AND THE DESTROYER OF FROST GIANTS. WHEN I FIRST BUILT MY MAGNIFICIENT STRONGHOLD IN ASGARD, I, TOO, FACED THIS QUESTION. THOR RECOMMENDS FIVE SIMPLE STEPS:

FIRST, GET THEE INSPIRATION FROM READING PARCHMENTS AND TOMES – USE THESE RESOURCES TO FIND YOUR OWN PERSONAL STYLE. SECOND, CONSIDER THE FUNCTIONAL USE OF EACH ROOM (MY TORTURE CHAMBER, FOR EXAMPLE, SHOULD NOT BE USED FOR LOUNGING ABOUT IN MY PJs). THIRD, DETERMINE WHAT FURNISHINGS AND ACCESSORIES THAT YE ALREADY OWN. FOURTH, PUT A PLAN INTO PLACE FOR EACH CHAMBER. AND, FINALLY, FIFTH, SET A STRICT BUDGET. NO NEED TO BREAK ODIN’S TREASURY IF YE DON’T HAVE TO!

SINCERELY,

THOR

Dear Thor:

The detached garage in my backyard was built in the 1930s. It’s too small for my SUV so I’ve been using it primarily as a shed. However, the years have not been kind and the foundation is unsound. The garage is pitching to the left and on the verge of collapse. Here’s my question: should I spend the money to fix it or knock it down and buy a real shed?

Regards,

Shed It Stay

DEAR SHED IT STAY:

LET THE RAGE RISE UP WITHIN THEE MORTAL AND FEEL THE FURY OF THE ELEMENTS SURGE THROUGH YE. THEN PICK UP A WAR HAMMER LIKE MJOLNIR AND DESTROY THAT GARAGE LIKE YOU WERE LOPING OFF THE HEAD OF THE TRICKSTER LOKI. CALL DOWN THE THUNDER AND LIGHTNING AND WATCH THE GARAGE BURN AND THEN LAUGH TO THE HEAVENS AND FEEL THE RAIN CASCADE OFF YOUR FACE LIKE THE BLOOD OF THE FALLEN. THEN HEAD TO HOME DEPOT AND BUY A NEW SHED. GREAT DEALS AT THE DEPOT!

SINCERELY,

THOR

Dear Thor:

My husband and I bought a cottage on the shore of a lake in New Hampshire. I would like to build a fireplace – because I think it would help reduce heating costs and, well, its romantic. My husband, Mr. Practical, wants to install an oil burner and a furnace. What would you recommend?

Best,

Mrs. Practical

DEAR MRS. PRACTICAL:

FIRES TRIGGER THE SAVAGE WITHIN US ALL. THE HEAT OF PASSION CAN MIX WITH THE HEAT OF THE FLAMES AND GIVE THE GOD OF THUNDER THEE DESIRE TO PILLAGE NORWEGIAN VILLAGES, TEAR OUT THE THROATS OF ENEMIES, AND THEN RAPE THE BLOND DAUGHTERS OF MY BEHEADED OPPONENTS – WHOSE SEVERED HEADS ADORN THE SPEARS OF MY FOLLOWERS. FIRE GOOD, BY ODIN! SO TELL YOUR WEAK-WILLED HUSBAND TO EMBRACE HIS INNER VIKING AND BUILD A STONE TEMPLE TO WORSHIP THE FIRES OF RAGE!

SINCERELY,

THOR

Dear Thor:

I’m torn about what color to paint my recently updated dining room. Part of me wants to paint it a reddish orange to give it an intimate, autumn appeal, but another part of my thinks a nice, light shade of green would give the room an airy, lighter feel. Thoughts?

Best Regards,

Paint It ?

DEAR PAINT IT ?:

MANY MOONS AGO, THOR WAS FORCED TO DRESS AS A WOMAN TO TRICK PRYMR, KING OF THE GIANTS, THAT I WAS TO BE HIS BRIDE SO I COULD RETRIEVE MY STOLEN WAR HAMMER. WE FEASTED IN HIS DINING CHAMBER FOR EIGHT LONG, UNCOMFORTABLE DAYS. WHEN MJOLNIR WAS FINALLY BROUGHT TO ME, I SHED MY DISGUISE AND BASHED THE SKULLS OF THE GIANTS TO PIECES AS THEIR BLOOD SPLATTERED ON THE WALLS (MIXED WITH PIECES OF BRAIN AND BONE FRAGMENTS). IT WAS AN ORGY OF DESTRUCTION THAT LEFT PRYMR’S DINING CHAMBER A LOVELY SHADE OF CRIMSON. RED IS THE WAY TO GO.

SINCERELY,

THOR

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Labels: Parody, Thor

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