DaRK PaRTY ReVIEW

::Literate Blather::

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

10 Things John Wayne Would Never Do

The Duke Takes On Today's Modern
Corporate Guys

“Well, son, since you haven’t learned to respect your elders, it’s time you learned to respect your betters.”
- John Wayne

In the movie “The Sons of Katie Elder” (1965), John Wayne’s first appears at his mother’s burial. His three brothers and a collection of friends gather at the graveside and wonder if Big John Elder (Wayne), the infamous gunslinger, is going to show up for his sweet mother’s funeral. They are forced to start the ceremony without him.

The camera pulls back and there is Wayne standing on top of a hill overlooking the cemetery. His hip is cocked to one side with a large revolver hanging off his belt. He’s big, tough, and rugged. The desert breeze flaps his bandana as he squints down at the funeral party.

He isn’t joining them because he isn’t the type of man who wants to share his emotions. He prefers to do his mourning alone.

Later on, he caves in the bad guy’s face with an axe handle.

John Wayne – the actor – epitomized the real man of mid-20th century America (his personal life is another matter, especially his decision to sit out World War II). The Duke died in 1979 around the time sensitive men were coming in a vogue.

So one wonders what the Duke would have thought of today’s corporate man. Guys who don’t mow their own lawns, hire people to paint their own houses, and probably wouldn’t know which end of a hammer was the working end. Here’s our take on 10 Things John Wayne Would Never Do if he were alive today:

Wear a Pink Shirt
Walk into any corporate office and you’ll find executives wearing pink, yellow, orange, and lime shirts. The Duke would argue that pink is the color of princess gowns, baby-girl balloons, and periwinkle flowers and not on the torso of a man.

Walk Around in Flip Flops
Hard to imagine the Duke in anything, but cowboy or combat boots. But let’s face the facts: he wouldn’t be caught dead wearing flip-flops – even at the beach.

Sit on his Leg in Public
The Duke’s eyes would widen at the sight of a grown male who has removed his shoes and inserted his sock encased foot under his thigh. This, he would reason, is how teenage girls sit while twirling a curl of hair around their finger and popping their bubble gum.

Wear Yellow or White Pants
After spitting a wad of chew onto an offender, the Duke would point out that men should only wear trousers in the following colors: tan, black, blue, brown, black, gray or green. Those colors should come from dust, mud, grass, blood, and whiskey.

Whine
Real men, Duke would say, bitch, complain, wrestle, argue, sneer, growl, seethe, and shoot at each other. They don’t whine to waitresses about their food, whine to co-workers on cell phones, or stomp their feet when planes or trains are late.

Play Computer Games
John Wayne would not be playing World of Warcraft or Final Fantasy IX. Computer games are toys – and toys belong to children and in toy boxes.

Ogle Young Girls
Is there anything more pathetic than a middle-aged man eyeing a high school girl? Yes, a middle-aged man elbowing his middle-aged buddy so both of them can leer at a new intern? As the Duke once uttered: “Any man who'd make an X-rated movie ought to have to take his daughter to see it.”

Wear Capri Pants
Does this even need to be said?

Strap on a Mobile Phone Holster
Cops and cowboys are allowed to wear holsters – with guns in them. Corporate types should keep their mobile phones, pagers, and Blackberries in their pockets – not strapped to their hips like gunslingers. Besides, as the Duke would point out, they don’t need the extra bulge at their waistline.

Talk Really Loud on a Mobile Phone
Babbling loudly on a mobile phone is annoying. The Duke once said: “Talk low, talk slow, and don't say too much.” I think that speaks volumes that the Duke would not be snapping at his administrative assistant on a cell phone in airport lounge.

Read our essay on the state of our environment

Guilty pleasures: Songs you listen to only when you're alone

Labels: Corporate, John Wayne, Parody

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Posted by GFS3 at 9:55 PM.

5 comments

5 Comments:

Bybee said...

The Duke would hate it here...Korean guys do all that ...and more.
They fluff their hair in the elevator mirror
They hold hands with each other
They walk with their arms around each other
They run like girls...kind of a scampering run
I even saw one student sporting eyeliner.

I totally agree with Duke about how guys should dress.

June 15, 2008 12:23 AM

GFS3 said...

Eyeliner? The Duke would faint.

June 16, 2008 10:49 AM

Bybee said...

Pass out. The Duke would pass out. Women faint. And he would have passed out back at the hair-fluffing in the elevator mirror.

June 17, 2008 3:36 AM

GFS3 said...

Haha! You're right, of course!

June 18, 2008 7:27 PM