“We're not gay; not that there's anything wrong with that!”
- Jerry Seinfeld

(So you’re watching a movie, munching on popcorn (maybe sneaking a few Raisinets – cause hell chocolate and popcorn rock) and then you feel the hair at the nape of your neck tingling and an odd stirring in the loins. You recognize this as your Gaydar going off like a freakin’ fire alarm. On the screen, quite inexplicably, the actors have gone totally and completely gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that – if the movie was, you know, supposed to be gay. We don’t mean gay as in homosexual either. “Brokeback Mountain,” for example, is a movie about homosexual cowboys, but the actors were cowboys – real men. There are homosexual scenes in the film – but there are no “gay” moments. It’s difficult to describe – so allow DaRK PaRTY to show you what we mean. Here’s our partial list of Unintentionally Gay Moments in Cinema.)

Into the Wild (2007)

Quick Synopsis: The movie is based on the Jon Karkauer’s non-fiction book by the same title. It chronicles the short life of Chris McCandless, a college graduate who gave away his life savings and dropped out of society to live a simple, ascetic life on the road. He died in Alaska while trying to live off the land.

The Offending Actors: Emile Hirsch and Hal Holbrook

The Gay Moment: McCandless (Hirsch) meets a retired widower named Ron Franz (Holbrook) while camping out in the desert. The two strike up a fast friendship. At one point, the 23-year-old McCandless and the 70-year-old Franz take a gondola ride up the side of a mountain. They turn towards each other and suddenly gaze lovingly at one another. The scene just lingers like a peeping Tom at the toilet window. One imagines the scene was trying to capture the bond developing between the two (in a grandfather to grandson kind of way), but it fails miserably. Franz looks like a horny old goat ready to start licking the belly hairs on the nubile flesh of his young ward. It’s… creepy.

Spiderman 3 (2007)

Quick Synopsis: An alien life form takes control of Spiderman’s suit and begins to turn him evil even as he learns that the man who killed his uncle is still at large. That killer, Flint Marko, is transformed into super villain Sandman. Sandman and the alien creature, Venom, team up against Spiderman and his new ally, Green Goblin.

The Offending Actor: Tobey Maguire

The Gay Moment: Green Goblin (James Franco) has been mortally wounded and lies on top of the construction skeleton of a building as Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst) kneels by his side. Spiderman (Maguire) lowers down from his web and lands gingerly on the platform. And then, in one of the most feminine moves since Red Sox pitcher Derek Lowe’s swinging fist pump after his no hitter in 2002, Maguire pitter patters to the Green Goblin’s side and kneels delicately next to him. The movement is so wildly girlish that it whisks you right out of the movie. Instead of the superhero Spiderman, you’re staring at the rather reedy and androgynous Maguire dressed in silly, but very tight, costume. Suddenly you desire soap and a shower.

Return of the King (2003)

Quick Synopsis: The last movie in the Lord of the Rings trilogy has Frodo and Sam hiking to Mount Doom to destroy the one ring as the rest of the fellowship faces off against the armies of darkness in the final battle of good vs. evil.

The Offending Actors: Elijah Wood, Sean Astin, Orlando Bloom, Billy Boyd, Dominic Monaghan, Viggo Mortensen, John Rhys-Davies, and Ian McKellen

The Gay Moment: There’s not much to say here because this may be the seminal moment in all of unintentional gay moments in cinema. It takes place during one of the last scenes when Frodo (Wood) wakes up from a coma. The rest of the fellowship comes prancing into his bedroom like a pack of rabid Nathan Lane clones. They all begin to hug and embrace – and those damnable hobbits start jumping on the bed like they’re at a slumber party with Michael Jackson and Liberace. The only thing missing is the baby oil and trapeze over the bed (see video clip above).

Risky Business (1983)

Quick Synopsis: Joel, a suburban teenager, takes daddy’s Porsche for a spin when his parents are on vacation and crashes it into a lake. In desperate need of fast cash, he ends up turning his parents’ suburban manor into a whorehouse for his buddies.

The Offending Actor: Tom Cruise

The Gay Moment: Joel cranks up the stereo to Bob Seger’s “Old Time Rock n’ Roll” and proceeds to dance about his living in a pink button down shirt, tightie-whities, and white tube socks. He sings into a candle stick and then proceeds to hump a golf club. Awkward (see video clip below).

Pretty in Pink (1986)

Quick Synopsis: A punk girl and outcast at her high school is invited to the prom by one of the popular boys. But the pressure from his preppy friends proves too much and he breaks off the date. She decides to go by herself, but he finally comes around and breaks through the peer pressure to admit his love for her.

Offending Actor: Andrew McCarthy

The Gay Moment: It only just seems like every scene featuring McCarthy (as Blane) is wicked gay in this movie. McCarthy just has that look – the sad puppy dog eyes and that goofy grin. But the really offending scene from “Pretty in Pink” is when McCarthy walks into the record store where Andie (Molly Ringwald) works. He sidles in and lifts up his sunglasses over his glossy raven locks so it looks like a barrette and gives her his stupid-ass grin before squeezing by another male patron – and they actually bump asses. The other patron actually gives McCarthy the once over. And it’s not even surprising. You expect it.

Legends of the Fall (1993)

Quick Synopsis: A colonel raises his sons in the wild of Montana at the turn of the 20^th century. The youngest son brings home his bride to be and soon all three brothers are lusting after here and threatening to tear the family apart. Then the Great War starts.

Offending Actor: Brad Pitt

The Gay Moment: It should be noted that Brad Pitt’s blown dried blond hair is gay throughout the film. However, the really gay moment occurs when Pitt (playing Tristan – the wildest of the boys) comes loping toward his family on a horse. They are with the bride to be and they all pause to admire Tristan as he rides toward them. The youngest brother, Samuel (played by Henry Thomas), stands next to Tristan and gives him an unabashedly admiring glance and then Tristan, wearing a white shirt unbuttoned to his chest and wearing a hemp necklace, tips his cowboy hat to the bride to be (played by Julia Ormand) and – get this – raindrops explode off his hat in a spray. What’s the symbolism here? Eh. It’s like a Dove bar ad done in 1970s porno.

Top Gun (1986)

Plot Synopsis: A wild child nicknamed Maverick goes through the Navy flight school program trying to blaze his own way. He angers almost everyone and nearly quits when his partner dies. But he comes back, saves the day, and everyone comes to love him.

Offending Actors: Tom Cruise, Val Kilmer, Anthony Edwards

The Gay Moment: There are two really, really gay moments in this movie. The first? Volleyball anyone? When four shirtless pilots, including Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer, get all sweaty and start flexing and posing at one another as they as they play beach volleyball. When Val Kilmer spins the volleyball on his finger and gives Cruise a come hither look – well, that’s all she wrote. But it actually gets worse. At the end of the movie as Val and Cruise hug and embrace, Val says: “You can be my wingman anytime.” Cruise says: “Bullshit, you can be mine!” They almost start French kissing right there on the aircraft carrier.

Labels: Homosexuality, Humor, Movies

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It’s only a matter of time before the Massachusetts Legislature votes to make pink the official state color. While they’re at it they should change the state’s nickname from the “Bay State” to the “Gay State.” How about voting Nathan Lane the official entertainer and “Will & Grace” the official TV show?

Because Massachusetts has been hijacked by the homosexuals and it’s only a matter of time before our modern day Sodom (Boston) is destroyed by a storm of fire and brimstone. Massachusetts, per usual, has shown its utter contempt for Jesus Christ and the Holy Bible.

Last week, the state’s lawmakers ruled against putting gay marriage up to a vote by the people (an end around on democracy if I’ve ever seen one) and thus made it legal for gays and lesbians to continue to get married in Massachusetts until at least 2012. Why don't we just make Barney the purple dinosaur president and the Teletubbies vice president?

I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before gays in Massachusetts throw on mesh thongs and colorful make-up and hold parades in Provincetown and Northampton (two of the pinkest towns you’ll ever see!).

Clearly, Massachusetts lawmakers enjoy thumbing their noses at God. Didn’t the Lord God carefully instruct Moses: “You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination” (Leviticus 18:22)? Aren’t there clear passages in the Bible in Romans I, Timothy 1:10, 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, and Jude 1:7 that condemn homosexuality as a grave and deadly sin against God?

All Christian faiths denounce homosexual marriage (except for those nut jobs who practice Unitarian Universalism and some of those fruitcakes don’t even believe in God!).

Now I don’t want anyone thinking that I hate homosexuals. I don’t. I just despise with all of my being the act of homosexuality. Gays are fine with me as long as they remain in the shadows or live in hip sections of large East and West Coast cities – where they belong. Let them eat at fusion restaurants, shop in the finest boutiques, and go to Barbara Streisand concerts.

Just keep them out of places like Arkansas and North Dakota!

There’s a reason why good, middle-American Christians condemn the act of homosexuality – temptation. What hot-blooded, meat-eating man hasn’t felt the slightest twinge of lust when seeing a well-sculpted teenage boy jogging by a beach in tight swim trunks? It’s perfectly natural for Satan to whisper in your ear on such occasions (especially when you’ve had a few cold ones).

That’s why it a fundamental necessity to outlaw homosexuality and force those who practice its black arts into dark, lonely corners. If we continue to let the gays “mainstream” this kind of deviant behavior and do things like legalize marriage – wholesome heterosexuals will be in danger.

Why? Because normal, heterosexual men and women will be tempted to cross sides if the taboos against gay behaviors are lifted. Look at what happened to Pastor Ted Haggard in Colorado! Haggard, former preacher of the New Life Church, was a perfectly happy married man with children until a homosexual prostitute entered his life. Then the temptations found in any red-blooded male took him over and he turned into a raving gay guy.

Thank the Lord God that Haggard entered an intense regiment of counseling and Bible training to emerge once again 100 percent heterosexual. But if men of God like Haggard can be seduced by the sultry promise of man-on-man sex – who among us is safe? That’s why we need to fight against homosexuality with every fiber of our existence!

Remember your Leviticus 20:13:

“If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own head.”

Of course, I’m not suggesting we kill gays – as the Holy Bible certainly seems to command us to do. What I’m suggesting is that we keep homosexuality out of the mainstream. This means boycotting gay TV shows, gay movies, gay actors, gay comic books, and certainly boycotting the state of Massachusetts.

It’s time for Christians to stand up on this issue! If we all become gay then how will the race ever propagate? So say good-bye to Nathan Lane musicals and Ellen Degeneres talk shows and say hello to the peace, love, and tolerance found in the Holy Bible.

(The Rev. Colson Crosslick is pastor of the Pretty Good Shepherd Church in Ripsaw, Arkansas. In the past, he has called for a boycott of homosapiens. He also writes the regularly appearing column Under God’s Right Arm for DaRK PaRTY.)

Read Rev. Crosslick's tribute to the Rev. Falwell here

Labels: Homosexuality, Under God's Right Arm

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The gay-loving commie American haters in Hollywood have gone too far.

Again.

It’s bad enough that they hid the fact that Rock Hudson was a fairy and that they have created an entire litany of false gods with corrupt anti-Christian movies like “Superman Returns” and “Spiderman 3.” The glorification of superheroes in our society is a usurpation of the Lord Jesus Christ and an assault on Christians. That’s why responsible Christian parents should ban comic books and superhero movies -- period.

But I digress.

The new assault on Christian sensibilities has begun. Let me introduce you to one of the most filthy, sleazy, sexually stimulating pieces of sludge ever produced in Hollywood – it’s a movie called “Zoo.”

This movie is pornography in the worst degree. It’s about a community of people who pay to have sex with horses. Let me say that again. It’s a movie about people who have intercourse with animals; as in bestiality. I’m not making this up people. It’s about a man – I warn you to stop reading if you’re faint of heart – who dies after his colon bursts while having sex with a horse!

This movie is the Kentucky Derby of corruption!

The Hollywood company that made this garage describes it this way: “Zoo is an extraordinary glimpse into the life of a seemingly normal Seattle family man whose secret sexual appetites lead to his shocking death… This expressionistic rendering of how apparently upstanding citizens banded together and videotaped their journey into the most taboo realms of behavior, reveals the enormous gulf between what we appear to be and who we really are.”

They should pay that copywriter more money! I don’t even know what “expressionistic” means, but I do know that this movie should be doused in gasoline and set on fire before ever being allowed to be shown on a movie screen. Just thinking about this movie makes me want to puke up my corndogs and then rush into my chapel and pray to the Lord Jesus Christ.

Yuck!

But this is what happens when society starts down the slippery slope of allowing sexual deviations to become mainstream. I warned in a column back in July that legalizing same-sex marriages would embolden the sexual deviants in our society to try and normalize grotesque behaviors like incest, coprophilia, bigamy, acomophilia, and bestiality (even the word makes me sweat!).

Now comes “Zoo,” a movie that wants to put a human face on a behavior so abhorrent and evil that it makes movies like “X-Men” and “Daredevil” seem innocent in comparison. This is why Christians need to fight against the homosexual agenda with every last fiber of their existence!

If we legalize gay marriage it is only a matter of time before we’ll be introduced to Bill and his wife, the chicken, at a dinner party; or we’ll be dining at our favorite Applebees across from Susan and her husband, the Saint Bernard. Where will the madness end? The answer, of course, is in the deepest pits of hell – if we don’t stop pushing sexual deviants into the mainstream.

It’s not normal for men to mate with animals – just like it is not normal for men to mate with men – even if that man is freshly tanned, has a rippling washboard stomach, and biceps like canon balls. In fact, it’s disgusting and perverted! The Holy Bible speaks plainly about it and having sex with anyone is just plain wrong – unless you are sexual opposites and are married.

I agree with the Traditional Values Coalition which said about “Zoo”: “The film will undoubtedly be used to normalize bestiality as simply another sexual orientation that must be affirmed as a variation of human sexuality.” And how!

(The Rev. Colson Crosslick is pastor of the Pretty Good Shepherd Church in Ripsaw, Arkansas. In the past, he has called for a boycott of all Spiderman, Batman, and Superman movies. He also writes the regularly appearing column Under God’s Right Arm for DaRK PaRTY.)

Labels: Homosexuality, Under God's Right Arm

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(Last week, Pastor Ted Haggard, the disgraced fundamental Christian preacher and advisor to George W. Bush, declared that he was 100 percent heterosexual after three weeks of intense therapy. Haggard, you may recall, is the rabid anti-gay crusader and ex-president of the National Association of Evangelicals, who was caught red-handed secretly consorting with a male prostitute in Denver. DaRK PaRTY was able to obtain the schedule of the first week of Haggard’s intense regiment of therapy, classes and re-education. Below is a day-by-day schedule of how Haggard’s handlers squashed his “gayness” and made him a 100 percent straight male once again.)

Day One

9 a.m. – Introduction breakfast

• Meal – Lumberjack special from Leroy’s Diner

10 a.m. – Lecture: “Why Nathan Lane Movies Should be Rated X”

11 a.m. – Movie: “First Blood” starring Sylvester Stallone

Lunch Break

• Meal – Cheeseburgers (cooked rare) and gravy fries

1 p.m. – Class: Boxing lessons

2:30 p.m. – Lecture: “The Works of Norman Mailer”

4 p.m. – Seminar: “The Love Techniques of Hookers”

• Featuring Rita and Candy from the corner of Main and South streets

Dinner Break

• Meal – Turkey pot pie

7 p.m. – Prayer session

8:30 p.m. – Lights out

Day Two

8 a.m. – Old Testament Bible study

• Topic: “Why God Destroyed Sodom”

Breakfast Break

• Meal – Steak and eggs

10 a.m. – Class: Street fighting techniques

11 a.m. – Movie: “Black Hawk Down”

Lunch Break

• Meal: Buffalo wings and fried cheese sticks

1 p.m. – Class: “The Art of Guzzling Cheap Beer”

• Includes game of quarters with Sigma Delta fraternity

2 p.m. -- Vomit break

2:30 p.m. – Lecture: “The Art of the One-Night Stand”

• Guest speaker: David Lee Roth

4 p.m. – Pick-up tackle football game in the quad

• Featuring unemployed ex-cons

Dinner Break

• Meal: Pepperoni pizza

7 p.m. – Movie: “The Best of 70s Porn”

9 p.m. – Lights out

Day Three

8 a.m. – Old Testament Bible study

• Topic: “David & Goliath: Man War”

Breakfast Break

• Meal: Bacon and sausage omelet with ketchup

10 a.m. – Class: “How to Take a Punch Class”

• Guest speaker: George Foreman

11 a.m. – Lecture: “Your Friend the Vagina”

• Featuring Roy Butterhead, junior high school sex education teacher

Lunch Break

• Liquid lunch (plenty of bourbon)

1 p.m. – Movie: “Man on Fire”

3 p.m. – Seminar: Pole dancing demonstration

• Includes lessons on inserting dollar bills into g-strings

4 p.m. – Lecture: “The Literature of Ernest Hemingway”

Dinner Break

• Meal: BLTs and Doritos

7 p.m. – Performance: AC/DC

8:30 p.m. – Lights out

Day Four

8 a.m. – Old Testament Bible study

• Topic: “The Mighty Samson”

Breakfast Break

• Meal: Black coffee and jelly donuts

10 a.m. – Class: “How to Open Pickle Jars”

11 a.m. – Lecture: “The Greatest Super Bowl Moments”

• Guest speaker: Mike Ditka

Lunch Break

• Meal: Corndogs and chili

1 p.m. – Movie: “Enter the Dragon” starring Bruce Lee

3 p.m. – Seminar: “Trench Warfare in World War I”

4 p.m. – Class: “Tough Guys in Fiction: From Marlowe to Spenser”

• Guest speaker: Robert B. Parker

Dinner Break

• Meal: New York sirloin and onion rings

7 p.m. – Movie: “Delta Force” starring Chuck Norris

9 p.m. – Lights out

Day Five

8 a.m. – Old Testament Bible study

• Topic: “Moses vs. Pharaoh”

Breakfast Break

• Meal: Bacon (extra crispy)

10 a.m. – Performance: “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-A-Lot

11 a.m. – Class: “How to Use Tools”

Lunch Break

• Meal: Beef stew

1 p.m. – Movie: “Fight Club”

3 p.m. – Class: Karate lessons

4 p.m. – Lecture: “The Delicate Art of Profanity”

• Guest Speaker: Dennis Leary

Dinner Break

• Meatball subs and potato chips

7 p.m. – Lecture: “Superman vs. Hulk: Who Would Win?”

• Guest speaker: Stan Lee

8 p.m. – Performance: Striptease by Miss Volcano Vulva

9 p.m. – Lights out

Labels: Haggard, Homosexuality

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In my duties as a pastor, many confused Christian boys have approached me after mass in the dim, musty basement of my church. “Pastor Crosslick,” they mumble through their puckered lips. “Why is gay marriage bad? How does it affect me if two fairies get hitched?” In order to answer these troubled boys, I compiled a list of the five reasons why homosexual marriage is a grave danger to our Christian American society.

Let me reiterate to those liberal forces out there that are bigoted against Christians that I do not dislike gays in any way, shape or form! I believe that gays have a place at the fringes of society and have no problem with them residing in the trendier neighborhoods of cities like New York City, San Francisco or Boston. If they chose to engage in evil, despicable behavior and go to hell when they die of AIDS – that is their right and I respect it!

In fact, I have admired many gays, such as Nathan Lane, for their contributions to our society. That said here is my list of the five reasons why any reasonable, uneducated person should oppose the legalization of gay marriage.

1. Gay marriage is an affront to our Ever-loving Lord God

God is very clear about his belief that homosexuality is a wicked sin. In fact, chapter 18 of Leviticus in the Old Testament spells out in simple language all of the forbidden sexual delights that God finds nasty. Homosexuality comes right after God 's warning to men not to fornicate with women when in the midst of their monthly “curse” and right before his admonishment not to engage in hot sex with farm animals.

God says: “Do not practice homosexuality; it is a detestable sin” (Leviticus 18:22). That’s why hell-spawned places like Massachusetts and California should not pass laws to include homosexual lifestyles depicted in classroom lessons. Trust me! Jesus is a loving and tolerant God, but even he has no patience for corrupters of children: “But who shall offend one of these little ones who believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.”

I think it is clear that Jesus is saying that he’ll drown you like a filthy rat if you teach youngsters that gays are just normal people and deserve to be treated like regular folks by being allowed to get married.

2. Gay marriage will usher in the legalization of bigamy and incest

When you start down the slippery slope of legalizing abominations like homosexual marriage, you inevitably open the door to legalizing other sexual fetishes such as bigamy, incest, coprophilia, and autoerotic asphyxia. Laws against making love with your children or your father or your good-looking cousin Phil from New York are rooted firmly in the Christian faith.

Some liberals will argue that incest laws are in place for health reasons because the offspring of such relations have a greater likelihood of inheriting undesirable traits. But that’s a red herring because even if the incestuous couple were infertile few people, except for perhaps the Massachusetts Superior Court, would support such a relationship. Incest is evil – and everyone knows it!

When you allow gay people to marry how will we be able to prevent a man from marrying two women? Or another man from marrying a chicken or a cow? The answer, of course, is that you can’t.

3. Gay marriage will force more children to become criminals

If you support gay marriage then you must also support children being raised as lawless criminals. Prisons are overflowing with well-muscled, tattooed thugs who were raised in broken homes – homes that did not have both a mother and a father. There are many, many studies commissioned by various organizations that prove without a doubt that children who were raised by gay people have a higher tendency to kill. I know some liberals will doubt this fact, but a fact is a fact and studies from uncredited sources do not lie!

Look no further than the socially communist nations of Scandinavia where homosexuals have had the right to get married for many years. The results are predictable – out-of-wedlock births skyrocketed since same-sex marriage was legalized. We all know that out-of-wedlock is just a liberal way of saying: broken home!

4. Gay marriage will destroy heterosexual marriages

All the major religious novels, including the Christian Bible, the Torah and the Koran, teach that homosexuality is unnatural and ruinous to a healthy society. Again we can look to the Scandinavians to prove that gay marriage undermines heterosexual unions. In 1993, Norway’s state courts imposed gay marriage on the country. Again the results were predictable as heterosexual marriages dropped and out-of-wedlock births increased significantly.

This is because same-sex marriage undermines the core foundations of commitment and normalcy of regular marriage. This same pattern is occurring in Canada and Holland where homosexual marriage is legal and already heterosexual unions are dropping faster than the trousers of an interior designer in front of a glory hole.

5. Gay marriage will make homosexual behavior mainstream

Few people – even conservative Christians shielded in the glow of God’s approval – are brave enough to claim that the homosexual lifestyle is dangerous to your health. But it’s true! Gay relationships are loveless affairs and sodomy, which may appear enticing at first, is nothing more than the way AIDS is most commonly spread. AIDS, if you can believe it, has killed more people in the United States than in World War II!

According to Pat Buchanan, one of the most trusted journalists in America, a survey of obituaries in gay newspapers found the average age of those dying of AIDS was 39 and for the rest of the homosexuals it was 42. Homosexuality kills!

That is why we must stop gay marriage from becoming the norm. We must stand up and fight the culture of moral decay and decadency and promote a healthy, loving and tolerant Christian lifestyle. There’s no room in this country for any other way of thinking if we want to save our children.

(The Rev. Colson Crosslick is pastor of the Pretty Good Shepherd Church in Ripsaw, Arkansas. In the past, he has called for a ban of Gay Pride Week. He also writes the regularly appearing column Under God's Right Arm for DaRK PaRTY.)

Labels: Homosexuality, Under God's Right Arm

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Labels: Homosexuality, Under God's Right Arm

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