::Literate Blather::
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Under God's Right Arm: The Glorious Rev. Falwell

By: Rev. Colson Crosslick

I had the great and Godly pleasure of meeting the Rev. Jerry Falwell in the larger than life flesh. The roly-poly preacher with the silver-tipped tongue was barnstorming across the country in the late 1980s trying to build support for his organization the Moral Majority and I was invited to a tent revival that he was scheduled to speak at.

At the time, I was a newly minted preacher in charge of manipulating a small flock of evangelical Pentecostals in a small town in the Texas panhandle. I had heard a lot about Rev. Falwell and was eager to see him action. It was like being a singer and being able to watch Elvis Presley in action or an actor getting to share the stage with Nathan Lane.

And, boy, could Rev. Falwell speak! His voice was like thunder from the Lord God himself!

After his performance, the Rev. Falwell deigned to grant me an audience. I was frightened, of course. Here was a man with angels dancing on his shoulder, a man with DSL line straight to the Lord God’s ear.

I found the Rev. Falwell in a tent behind the main one wrapped in a purple robe and eating a greasy roasted turkey with several nubile women followers. He held the drumstick like a baton and once, when shouting out a point, he shook it like he was pounding the devil on the head (amusingly, the grease splattered on my white Oxford shirt and ruined it – but I didn’t mind).

I remembered staring at him, turkey-fat smeared across his pudgy face, and thinking that here was a preacher who would change America. He seemed to have an unworldly greenish glow about him (ironically, I learned later that he suffered from food poisoning that night).

I left that mattress-lined tent with my spirits high and my wallet empty (I handed over my hard-earned cash to the Rev. Falwell with pleasure because I knew he would spend it better than I ever could!)

When they buried Rev. Falwell yesterday, I cried. Not for him. The Rev. Falwell is now ensconced under the thumb of Jesus Christ, who no doubt has great love and devotion to the preacher who committed so many transgressions in his Lordly name.

No I wept for us – the good citizens of the United States. The Rev. Falwell was like a moral compass. He ferreted out evil in the dark, liberal corners of our country. He was like a chunky bloodhound with a nose for conspiracies.

It was Rev. Falwell who discovered that Tinky Winky, one of the Teletubbies TV characters, was, in fact, a gay puppet-like creature. Without the Rev. Falwell, our children would have been corrupted and seduced into the homosexual lifestyle by this purple, purse-carrying poison pill!

I had always wondered about my unnatural attraction Tinky Winky and now I know that the creators of the Teletubbies were deliberately trying to make the character hot for males. Shame on them! Hooray for Rev. Falwell!

Falwell was a tireless advocate against the homosexual agenda that is turning this country into a cesspool that allows gay people to have equal rights. Do we really want to grant consenting adults of the same sex the right to legalize their long term commitments in the form of marriage – which every one who has ever read the Bible knows belongs to heterosexuals?

I think not. And so did the Rev. Falwell. We both know that homosexuals should go back to the shadows (I want to stress that I do not hate homosexuals and, in fact, I count several gay men as my close intimate associates. It is the act of homosexuality that I despise with every fiber of my Christian soul. There is a difference – a big difference!).

So as I continue to mourn for the Rev. Falwell, I wanted to share my thoughts about this great teddy bear of a man. He might not have been the smartest guy on the block, but he certainly was the most religious! And religion is always better than intelligence in my book.

Rest in peace in the glorious gardens of heaven, Rev. Falwell. We will miss you down here on Earth.

(The Rev. Colson Crosslick is pastor of the Pretty Good Shepherd Church in Ripsaw, Arkansas. In the past, he has called for a boycott of the Teletubbies. He also writes the regularly appearing column Under God’s Right Arm for DaRK PaRTY.)

Read Colson's column on the Hollywood hate machine

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