(Last week, Pastor Ted Haggard, the disgraced fundamental Christian preacher and advisor to George W. Bush, declared that he was 100 percent heterosexual after three weeks of intense therapy. Haggard, you may recall, is the rabid anti-gay crusader and ex-president of the National Association of Evangelicals, who was caught red-handed secretly consorting with a male prostitute in Denver. DaRK PaRTY was able to obtain the schedule of the first week of Haggard’s intense regiment of therapy, classes and re-education. Below is a day-by-day schedule of how Haggard’s handlers squashed his “gayness” and made him a 100 percent straight male once again.)

Day One

9 a.m. – Introduction breakfast

• Meal – Lumberjack special from Leroy’s Diner

10 a.m. – Lecture: “Why Nathan Lane Movies Should be Rated X”

11 a.m. – Movie: “First Blood” starring Sylvester Stallone

Lunch Break

• Meal – Cheeseburgers (cooked rare) and gravy fries

1 p.m. – Class: Boxing lessons

2:30 p.m. – Lecture: “The Works of Norman Mailer”

4 p.m. – Seminar: “The Love Techniques of Hookers”

• Featuring Rita and Candy from the corner of Main and South streets

Dinner Break

• Meal – Turkey pot pie

7 p.m. – Prayer session

8:30 p.m. – Lights out

Day Two

8 a.m. – Old Testament Bible study

• Topic: “Why God Destroyed Sodom”

Breakfast Break

• Meal – Steak and eggs

10 a.m. – Class: Street fighting techniques

11 a.m. – Movie: “Black Hawk Down”

Lunch Break

• Meal: Buffalo wings and fried cheese sticks

1 p.m. – Class: “The Art of Guzzling Cheap Beer”

• Includes game of quarters with Sigma Delta fraternity

2 p.m. -- Vomit break

2:30 p.m. – Lecture: “The Art of the One-Night Stand”

• Guest speaker: David Lee Roth

4 p.m. – Pick-up tackle football game in the quad

• Featuring unemployed ex-cons

Dinner Break

• Meal: Pepperoni pizza

7 p.m. – Movie: “The Best of 70s Porn”

9 p.m. – Lights out

Day Three

8 a.m. – Old Testament Bible study

• Topic: “David & Goliath: Man War”

Breakfast Break

• Meal: Bacon and sausage omelet with ketchup

10 a.m. – Class: “How to Take a Punch Class”

• Guest speaker: George Foreman

11 a.m. – Lecture: “Your Friend the Vagina”

• Featuring Roy Butterhead, junior high school sex education teacher

Lunch Break

• Liquid lunch (plenty of bourbon)

1 p.m. – Movie: “Man on Fire”

3 p.m. – Seminar: Pole dancing demonstration

• Includes lessons on inserting dollar bills into g-strings

4 p.m. – Lecture: “The Literature of Ernest Hemingway”

Dinner Break

• Meal: BLTs and Doritos

7 p.m. – Performance: AC/DC

8:30 p.m. – Lights out

Day Four

8 a.m. – Old Testament Bible study

• Topic: “The Mighty Samson”

Breakfast Break

• Meal: Black coffee and jelly donuts

10 a.m. – Class: “How to Open Pickle Jars”

11 a.m. – Lecture: “The Greatest Super Bowl Moments”

• Guest speaker: Mike Ditka

Lunch Break

• Meal: Corndogs and chili

1 p.m. – Movie: “Enter the Dragon” starring Bruce Lee

3 p.m. – Seminar: “Trench Warfare in World War I”

4 p.m. – Class: “Tough Guys in Fiction: From Marlowe to Spenser”

• Guest speaker: Robert B. Parker

Dinner Break

• Meal: New York sirloin and onion rings

7 p.m. – Movie: “Delta Force” starring Chuck Norris

9 p.m. – Lights out

Day Five

8 a.m. – Old Testament Bible study

• Topic: “Moses vs. Pharaoh”

Breakfast Break

• Meal: Bacon (extra crispy)

10 a.m. – Performance: “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-A-Lot

11 a.m. – Class: “How to Use Tools”

Lunch Break

• Meal: Beef stew

1 p.m. – Movie: “Fight Club”

3 p.m. – Class: Karate lessons

4 p.m. – Lecture: “The Delicate Art of Profanity”

• Guest Speaker: Dennis Leary

Dinner Break

• Meatball subs and potato chips

7 p.m. – Lecture: “Superman vs. Hulk: Who Would Win?”

• Guest speaker: Stan Lee

8 p.m. – Performance: Striptease by Miss Volcano Vulva

9 p.m. – Lights out

Labels: Haggard, Homosexuality

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