::Literate Blather::
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Puncturing Your Ear Drums
18 Bands That Should be Erased from Rock History

There have been many of bad rock n’ roll bands. But to make this list, DaRK PaRTY set a few strict rules:

  1. Bands only. No solo artists
  2. This is about bands that have a history – no one-hit wonders, no one-album phenomenon , no here today-gone tomorrow bands
  3. The band has to have at least one gold album

These are the bands that deserve to be completely eliminated from the annals of rock history. These are the bands that – to get cerebral and quite academic – suck. They bring nothing to the table except massively delusional fans (who will protest like 3-year-olds having temper tantrums when they see their band listed below).

So without further ado, DaRK PaRTY gives you the worst bands in rock history:


It is hard to believe that Styx had several multi-platinum albums. This is, after all, the band who released some of the most revolting singles of all time in “Lady” and “Come Sail Away.” Lead singer Dennis DeYoung, despite having one of the worst warbles in rock history, is also an accomplished accordion player. Need we say anymore?

Factoid: The first name for the band was “The Tradewinds.”

Worst Album: Pieces of Eight (1978)

Gag Inducing Song: “Mr. Roboto”


Boy George introduced the Amish hat into 80s culture and was responsible for helping make popular oversized shirts that hung down to the knees. At the same time he was destroying the fashion world, he was also helping drive a stake through the heart of alternative music. Culture Club’s pop-laden fluff is so sickly sweet and the lyrics so sugary that diabetics should avoid it at all costs.

Factoid: Boy George sang as “Lieutenant Lush” with Bow Wow Wow before joining Culture Club.

Worst Album: Kissing to be Clever (1982)

Gag Inducing Song: “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?” (the answer, of course, is a responding yes).


Kansas, believe it or not, is still touring. There has yet to be a tragic bus accident. Kansas was one of those power bands in the 1970s that was so damn earnest and serious (they labeled themselves a progress rock band) that they ended up as simply annoying. Beware of bands named after states, countries, and continents. They don’t have great track records.

Factoid: Part of the resurgence of Kansas can be blamed on the movie “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure,” which featured the song “Dust in the Wind.”

Worst Album: Monolith (1979)

Gag Inducing Song: “Dust in the Wind”


Asia was formed from the remnants of three shit bands: Yes, King Crimson, and Emerson, Lake & Palmer. All of three of those bands were considered for this list. But why bother when you can put Asia on the list? Here was an alleged “super” band whose best song was “Heat of the Moment.” Are you catching what we’re laying down here? This band sucks pond scum.

Factoid: The song “Heat of the Moment” is sung by Eric Cartman and the U.S. Congress in an episode of “South Park.”

Worst Album: Alpha (1983)

Gag Inducing Song: “The Heat Goes On”


Soft rock is an oxymoron and Air Supply was king of the soft rock bands. The band performed love ballads that made the average person want to saw off their wrists with a sharp razor. The most difficult part about writing about Air Supply is coming up with their most gag inducing song – because all of their singles fill your mouth with bile.

Factoid: Founders Graham Russell and Russell Hitchcock meant during a performance of “Jesus Christ Superstar” in 1975.

Worst Album: The One That You Love (1981)

Gag Inducing Song: “Here I Am (Just When I Thought I Was Over You”


Europe is the most famous Swedish rock band of all time – selling more than 10 million albums. It’s almost enough to make you want to wipe the country off the face of the earth. Abba, my friends, is twice the band Europe is.

Factoid: Europe has sold more than 10 million albums worldwide.

Worst Album: The Final Countdown (1986)

Gag Inducing Song: “Carrie”


Some people (deranged people) will argue against Huey’s inclusion on this list. Harmless, they’ll mutter. They’ll say: Wasn’t “I Want a New Drug” kind of a good song? They’ll add, didn’t the band win an academy award? Don’t listen to these nut jobs. Huey Lewis & the News were awful – so light weight that it’s amazing they didn’t just float away.

Factoid: Huey Lewis has a cameo in the movie “Back to the Future.”

Worst Album: Fore! (1986)

Gag Inducing Song: “Hip to be Square”


Here’s a mid-western arena rock band famous for power ballads. Can someone just shoot us in the goddamn head? And they’re still around – sometimes touring with Styx and Journey (you know – country fairs and rock clubs that attract fifty-something drunkards and their overweight girlfriends). The song “Can’t Fight This Feeling” makes us want to tear the radio out of our car.

Factoid: The name REO Speedwagon comes from a truck built by REO Motor Car Company.

Worst Album: You Can Tune a Piano, But You Can’t Tuna Fish (1978)

Gag Inducing Song: “Keep On Loving You”


This band came over with the British invasion that brought America the Who, Rolling Stones, the Beatles, and the Yardbirds. And that’s just about enough classic rock to forgive England for this mistake of rock band. We hate the Moody Blues. “Nights in White Satin” is the most overrated “get-it-out-of-my-head” singles ever produced – and that’s their best song. Please make them go away.

Factoid: The band broke up in 1973, but alas, they reformed several years later to put out the 1978 album “Octave.”

Worst Album: To Our Children’s Children’s Children (1969)

Gag Inducing Song: “Nights in White Satin” (ARRRHHH!!!)


Journey may be the most annoying band on the list because Steve Perry may be the most annoying singer in rock history. Describing his lilting voice as “grating” would be doing a disservice to cheese graters. The band was famous in the early 1980s for its “power ballads” – another word for loud, sappy love songs. And now they simply won’t go away, mostly because they are extremely popular in Japan. Go figure.

Factoid: The band was formed from members of Santana in 1973. Obviously, there was a reason Carlos kicked them out of his band.

Worst Album: Infinity

Gag Inducing Song: “Open Arms” (1982)


Lead singer Dee Snider describes Twisted Sister as “Slade meets the Sex Pistols.” A more accurate description would be “KISS meets a wood chipper.” This glam metal band popular in the 1980s had better marketing than music. The heavy guitar infused heavy metal breaks no knew ground and the lyrics so sophomoric as to be insulting to sophomores.

Factoid: Dee Snider used to be a regular on “The Howard Stern Show.”

Worst Album: Stay Hungry

Gag Inducing Song: “We’re Not Gonna Take It” (1984)


Radiohead should have been a one-hit wonder for its “not-bad” single “Creep.” Unfortunately, they kept releasing “art” albums and they may be the most overrated, over-hyped band on the list. Radiohead’s music is overwrought, dense, and sounds like it was recorded inside of a toilet. Lead singer Thom Yorke is a graduate of the Steve Perry school of singing.

Factoid: The band members met while attending Abingdon School, a boys public school outside of Oxford, England.

Worst Album: The Bends

Gag Inducing Song: “High and Dry” (1995)


Cinderella was encompasses everything that was wrong with glam metal: Bad hair, tacky outfits, and little talent. If you like melodramatic love ballads screeched by a parrot-voiced singer and surrounded by mediocre guitar riffs and drumming that sounds like a homeless man banging on garbage cans – then Cinderella is the band for you.

Factoid: Cinderella opened for Bon Jovi during the band’s “Slippery When Wet” tour.

Worst Album: Still Climbing

Gag Inducing Song: “Don’t Know What You Got (Till It’s Gone)” (1988)


Foghat deserves some credit for being a rock band during the disco era and for the song “Slow Ride” (which is a middle-of-the-road 70s rocker), but the band created some damn mediocre music. The problem with Foghat is that the band doesn’t have an original bone in its rock body. Listen to a best of album from Foghat and you’re left perplexed. Best of what?

Factoid: The band is “This is Spinal Tap” is supposedly based on Foghat.

Worst Album: Rock and Roll Outlaws

Gag Inducing Song: “Ride, Ride, Ride” (1973)


Is there a bigger whiner in rock n’ roll than Billy Corgan? He may be the most ego-driven, weak-kneed front man since Boy George. The band’s sophomore effort “Siamese Dream” had one interesting single in “Cherub Rock,” but the rest of the album feels like your reading Corgan’s diary (which one imagines as pink and locked with a little brass key). Their music – a mix of goth, alternative and electronic – generally sounds like yowling cats being crushed in a cement mixer.

Factoid: Billy Corgan worked in a record store in Chicago before forming the band.

Worst Album: Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness

Gag Inducing Song: “Tonight, Tonight” (1995)


Each member of Manfred Mann should be locked up for giving sports stadiums the nauseating “Do Wah Diddy Diddy” – and that’s their best song (They have tunes with titles like “Ha! Ha! Said the Clown” and “Trouble and Tea.” The band rode the British invasion of the United States in the late 1960s and pale next to the likes of the Beatles, Stones and even the Kinks.

Factoid: After the band broke up, Manfred Mann worked writing advertising jingles

Worst Album: My Little Red Book of Winners!

Gag Inducing Song: “Do Wah Diddy Diddy” (1964)


What is there really to say about this bland 1980s rock band? The song “All You Zombies” is the only reason why any sane person could even be considered a fan. The rest of the Hooter’s repertoire induces cringing a strong desire for the member of Aerosmith to hunt them down and beat them with electric guitars.

Factoid: Rolling Stone Magazine named the Hooters the best new band of 1985 (its amazing the magazine recovered from such an enormous mistake)

Worst Album: Nervous Night

Gag Inducing Song: “Hanging on a Heartbeat” (1985)


The best part of this glam metal band is its mascot (which appears on just about every album cover): a straight-jacketed psycho in a metal hockey mask. Other than that – Quiet Riot offers little in the way of auditory pleasure. The music is loud, but predictable and non-threatening (despite the mascot). It also has the ability to induce a headache.

Factoid: The band appeared in a Simpson episode as a born-again rock group called “Pious Riot.”

Worst Album: Condition Critical

Gag Inducing Song: Metal Health (1983)

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Anonymous Anonymous said...
you're weird dude

Blogger Paul said...
You had me until you put in Radiohead. At least they try to do some new things. And if you're going to pick their worst album The Bends is a bad choice. Pablo Honey is the way to go on that.

Blogger GFS3 said...
Radiohead is terrible. And while I agree that "The Bends" could be considered this bad band's best album -- it speaks volumes about what is wrong with Radiohead.

And just because a band experiments doesn't mean they are any good.

Anonymous Dave said...
You clearly know little to nothing when it comes to good music. Radiohead, Smashing Pumpkins and Journey should hardly be erased from history.

Blogger GFS3 said...
Thanks Dave. How were you able to post so early in the day? Was your high school having a snow day?

Anyway, thanks for reading.

PS -- Make sure to save your dad's Journey records. They could be valuable some day.

Anonymous chuck said...
no leenurd skeenurd? green day? the doors? :|

Blogger GFS3 said...
Come on, Chuck!

The Doors were an excellent band!

And how can you have a beef with a band who gave us "Free Bird" and "Sweet Home Alabama"?

Anonymous chuck said...
jim morrison was just a joke, really, and all of manzarek's keyboard solos sounded the same. and skynyrd ruined southern rock for many, many people.

i dont disagree with anything on your list, though.

Blogger GFS3 said...
Hi Chuck:
I'll agree that some of Morrison's lyrics sound like bad Internet poetry -- but he could howl. And how can one argue about his ability to surrender emotionally to every song? And songs like "Peace Frog," "When the Music's Over," "Soul Kitchen," "Back-door Man" and "Roadhouse Blues" are great rockers.

I love to hear your thoughts on why you think Skynyard ruined Southern rock. I think a lot of people would argue that they defined it.

Blogger raych said...
I think I'm drunk on your blog.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Well, your an idiot. Thats pretty much all it comes down to.

Blogger Aaron said...
Wow, you obviously must be very young to want to erase bands like Air Supply, Journey, and REO Speedwagon. You just mentioned three of my all time favorite bands. Sure, they aren't hard rock and you definitely can get your fill of power ballads, but no one with any serious musical appreciation can call Steven Perry's voice as GRATING?! Wow, in my opinion, Journey's front man is amazing and along with Freddie Mercury and David Lee Roth, can probably be said to be one of the greatest rock lead singers of the early 1980's. I may be 38 and out of touch with some of the new music today, but you can't take away the influence that some of these bands had on music today. What a lot of new music lacks is great lyrics like the ones performed by some of the bands you have mentioned.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Fuck you! You obviously don't know anything about music. You have proven nothing here except your narrow-mindedness and your stupidity.

Blogger Karl Yates said...
Styx,,, the most ultimate band of all time,, greatest concerts also, i agree with you on the other bands, man they are the worst,, if you heard this 3 hour dvd of styx videos i put together, you'd quickly remove them from this list, Peace!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Your argument lost its validity when you mentioned Radiohead.

You sir, are fucking clueless.

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