DaRK PaRTY ReVIEW

::Literate Blather::

Monday, November 06, 2006

Ted Haggard’s Letter to his Congregation (As Edited by God)

(Last week Pastor Ted Haggard of the New Life Church in Colorado was caught allegedly have a three-year affair with a gay prosititute. The pastor, who founded the evangelical church of more than 14,000 people, has been an outspoken critic of gays and lesbians and was lobbying for an amendment to ban same-sex marriage in Colorado. On Sunday he wrote a letter to his followers which was read out loud in the church. DaRK PaRTY managed to get ahold of the letter as edited by the Lord God.)

My Dear New Life Church Money Assets:

I am so sorry that I got caught because I’ve killed my cash cow. I am sorry for the disappointment, the betrayal, and the hurt that I inflicted on just about everyone I’ve come in contact with. I am sorry for the horrible example I have set for you that I have spent my entire life repressing my God-given sexuality and instead lashed and condemned the gay community because I simply couldn’t handle the truth.

I have an overwhelming, all-consuming desire to be with muscle-bound men in tight t-shirts. I am so sorry that Mike Jones couldn’t keep his fat mouth shut.

I asked that this note be read to you this morning so I could cower fearfully in my gated mansion and avoid looking you in the eyes. I wanted to clarify my libido’s condition to you. The last four days have been so difficult for me, my family and all of you, and I have further confused the situation by lying like a rug. But I alone am responsible for the lying. The fact is, I am guilty of being a gay man.

I am a deceiver and a liar. There is a part of my life that is my natural sexual inclination that I’ve been brainwashed into thinking is so repulsive and dark that I have been warring against it all of my adult life. For extended periods of time, I would enjoy being myself and rejoice in freedom. Then, from time to time, the repression that I thought was gone would resurface, and I would find myself thinking thoughts and experiencing desires that were contrary to everything I believe and teach.

Through the years, I’ve sought assistance in a variety of ways, mostly just trying to ignore it, with none of them proving to be effective in me. Then, because I’m a hypocrite of epic proportions, I began deceiving those I love the most because I didn’t want to hurt or disappoint them.

The public person I was wasn’t a complete lie; it was just incomplete. When I stopped the charade my life has become my natural sexual tendencies emerged. As a result, I did things that were contrary to the false self that I had built up.

The accusations that have been leveled against me are true, and I have been inappropriately and with great hatred by my fellow wingnuts removed from ministry. Our church’s overseers have required me to submit to more repression training and brainwashing by the oversight of Dr. James Dobson, Pastor Jack Hayford, and Pastor Tommy Barnett. Those men will merciless humiliate and degrade me so I will again repress my natural homosexual tendencies. They will berate me through a program with the goal of getting me back in line and inserting me back to a loveless fraud of my life, my marriage, and my family.

I created this entire situation by letting down my carefully constructed walls. The things I did opened the door for additional allegations. But I am responsible; I alone need to be disciplined and corrected. An example must be set.

Blah, blah, blah...

I appreciate that you’re all going to want to stone me to death because you have been brainwashed to hate gays. I humbly ask you to do a few things:

1. Please stay faithful to God through service and not being so unforgiving and vile towards those that are different than you. giving.

2. Please forgive me. I am a gay man. It’s what I really am.

3. Please forgive my gay lover. He is revealing who I really am.

4. Please stay faithful to each other, which may be difficult since we’re all a bunch of repressed, angry hypocrites who despise those that are different from us Hell, I made a ton of money by convincing you that God hates everyone, except, well us.

Gayle and I need huge amounts of counseling, but we’ll probably just go underground and ignore our true feelings. We will never return to a leadership role at New Life Church because I’m a fraud and now everyone knows it (looks like I'm going to have to get a real job now, which quite frankly kills me the most). In our hearts, we will always be members of this body. We love you as our family and, well, you know how I treated my real family so take this with a grain of salt. I know this situation will destroy the hypocrisy we have built together. I’m sorry, but please use this opportunity to consider that we may be on the wrong side of God.

Your Gay Pastor,
Ted Haggard

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Posted by GFS3 at 12:09 PM.

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