DaRK PaRTY ReVIEW

::Literate Blather::

Friday, February 16, 2007

"Book from the Future" by Esaiah Schulzman

By: Adam Joshua Heggen

What’s up, people of the past! It is my profoundest pleasure to be representin' the Future! and that I am so able to compose this piece for you and send it through time so you can read it in all of its futuristic glory!

Wooooooord!

I have this feeling you’re thinking I’m gonna be sayin’ stuff like “In the future we do this, in the future we do that.” Fuck that, slice!

Instead I’m just gonna tell you what we do instead of telling you it’s the future and all that jazz. Hey. We still say that, “all that jazz.” I hadn’t even noticed it until now. Ok, so listen, here’s the deal. I got a few minutes available to get this whole thing written down so I can get my breath of income and fame (both at once!). Luckily for me, I got everything all set up and ready to go. I use one of those antiquated (I’m not making fun of your era, I swear) Ray Charles/ Stevie Wonder email checkin’/writin’ software that lets me talk into a headset mic and it prints out the words in text on the screen into Quantum Internet! The Quantum Fuhschizzlenet! Is that not the fuckin’ shit, my friend? You know what else makes it really cool? It get's me laid.

But's I got to keep talking here. I only got so much time. And books are made awfully quick these days. You know how in-demand books are? No one saw it coming back in the day, and everyone thought books and reading was going extinct. They said “ TV is the devil and he’s takin’ ova’!” And everyone fucking loved it! But they were wrong, man. Books are the shit these days. But you got to get them out quick because people want ‘em like orgasms! Ha! And then they want another and another! HAha! And I’m like all about givin’ girl!

…Indiscernible sounds of confusion… possible headset movement…

( What the fuck is it man? Can’t this wait? I’m in the middle of writing a book…………
Some muffled distant voice
Uh huh, uh huh…
Muffled voice dissipating
Listen get lost for now, I’ll catch up with you later… what do you mean it hurts?...
No I don’t know what it’s like.
Muffled voice becomes audible again
Jeezuz effin’ Lucy! I don’t know! Don’t wear zipper pants anymore. God!)

…Indiscernible sound of confusion … possible headset movement…

We get distracted a lot here. But we don’t have it so hard as you do. I got to tell you. You people did a good number on yourselves! ADD, ADHD. Get a fucking grip already and spit out the pills, turn off the tube and get a book like this one from the future. Everyone’s writing books now. Not everyone sends them to the past though, I got to say. Which is ok and all, but I think there isn’t much of a market to publish in your present time. No way, man. I'm hittin' the past! that's the fuckin' market! You guys'll read anything!

You know when I was five years old, I had an ear infection that felt like my head was creating a vacuity. And in that little space there was one of those caged motorcyclists you see at circuses – or was that at a monster truck rally?

In the future we forget a lot of things about what we say to other people. But it makes us money so no one cares. Did you know that one of the best mistakes our grandparents made was to psychologically create aspects of authority in figures that never had it? It’s true. They told us all these great stories about how contemporary writers of their time kept “breaking the rules” and they’d say “breaking the rules” with a real gritty tone like you could tell they were making fun of these writers (which isn’t a hard thing to do if you hate somebody you don’t know). But I got a feeling maybe they knew a few. Well, according to their authority, it seemed real piss-ass lame of people to set up some phantom of authority where it didn’t exist so they could disestablish some cockamamie phantom rule so as to create in their microcosm of an ego the idea that they were brass-balls writers.

Ooo! All of us here in the future are real impressed.

Do me a favor {sound of pages turning} if your name is {gives a list of names all of which are not in the database} shoot yourself in face and spare all of us here in the future the years of recovery it took to get you out of our education system. Please, extend the courtesy of at least thinking about it.

Hey, you know what’s fun and we do a lot around here? We like to get money from each other by making each other look really good in front of famous people, even if it only for about two seconds. Last week I got this real hot actress lady (who weighs about 70 pounds, mind you) to wipe her finger on her cheek in front of my friend. He’s got a real thing for skinny chicks with fingers on their cheeks. Holy shit, man. She’s so skinny I thought she was a clothes hanger walking around. Haha! But damn, she’s hot.

You got some hotties in the past with you too. I’ve seen ‘em. But I also seen what they look like when they’re old. Here, I’ll give you this list. Make sure you tell them to die young cause they ain’t gonna look too good {list is not in database}. Ah fuck, man. I want to write more in this book so it’s cool. But I gotta go. The deadline is in ten seconds, sort of.

You are probably pretty amazed that a book like mine gets published at all. I bet it makes you wonder what kind of audience makes a work like mine socially relevant in the first place. But you know what? I wonder the same about the past. Some of the shit you guys read, or watched on TV, HOLY SHIT. You guys are fucking dumb to yourself.

Do yourself a favor: go into the nearest lab and undergo this shit called “cryogenic freeze.” It’s a real hoot, all the rich kids do it when they skip school. Sleep until the future and then wake up and see how cool it is. The future is packed with anachronisms and other erroneous ideas, mother fuckas, but it rules. You can write books whenever you want and get money for it. I know, I ain’t rich or nothing, but fuck man! Money! In the future dollars are called Digits. I say shit like "Get you hacker paws away from my Digits!" Yeah yeah yeah, digits used to be chicks's numbers and all that, but that's done with.

Oh shit! The book guys are here. I got to seal the deal and hit the send button while they watch. They give me license, but have to collect a percentage of profit. Are you ready Past! My Book is Comin’!

Oh yeah,if your name is Mortimer Schulzman and you’re from Red Hook, you’re my fucking Rabbi Grandpa! I remember you singing to me when I was a kid, haunted me for years after you died. Don’t fucking do that!

Ok. Peace from the Future!!

(Adam Joshua Heggen is endeavoring to fold origami well, to cook better meals, refine his taste in wine, to understand why his car breaks down, and to probe the depths of unconsciousness through dream and active imagination. He harbors a great interest in the paranormal, myth, dreams and religious metaphor, but he swears he does not rub stones together or hold séances. Adam is currently a returning student at SUNY Albany. He holds a degree in philosophy and is studying both English and secondary education. He is a native of the capital district region of New York and is living in downtown Albany without any pets for the moment.)

Labels: Future, Satire

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Posted by GFS3 at 8:24 AM.

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