::Literate Blather::
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
When Children's Books Go Bad

"Guess How Much I Hate You"

Little Nutbrown Hare, who was recently released from the psychiatric hospital, held on tight to Big Nutbrown Hare’s very long ears.

He was still pissed off with Big Nutbrown Hare because of all the baggage, but this time he thought maybe he could make the whole sordid relationship work. “Guess how much I love you,” he said.

“Oh, I don’t think I could guess that,” said Big Nutbrown Hare.

Here we go, thought Little Nutbrown Hare, with the freaking games again. Always the games! “This much,” said Little Nutbrown Hare sarcastically, holding his fingers about half-an-inch apart.

Big Nutbrown Hare sighed and stretched his long arms. “But I love you this much,” he said. Hmm, figures the goddamn showboat needs to beat me, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. Even when I'm playing with him.

“Okay, then I love you as high as I can reach,” said Little Nutbrown Hare, lifting his arm half-heartedly to his shoulder.

“I love you as high as I can reach,” said Big Nutbrown Hare. Jesus H. Christ, is there nothing this one-upping cracker won’t try to beat me on, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. I wish I could kill him.

Then Little Nutbrown Hare had a good idea. He tumbled upside down and reached up the tree trunk with his feet. “Hey, I love you all the way up to my toes,” he said.

“And I love you all the way up to your toes,” said Big Nutbrown Hare, swinging him up over his head. Little Nutbrown Hare screamed and screamed because he hated – friggin’ hated – to be touched.

“Yeah, then, beat this. I love you as high as I can hop,” shouted Little Nutbrown Hare, bouncing up and down, spittle flying from his little mouth.

“But I love you as high as I can hop,” smiled Big Nutbrown Hare – and he hopped so high that his ears touched the branches above.

That’s it, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. I’m gonna give this bastard a night to remember. No more big/little crap. No more `I love you more than' bullshit. I’m sick of it and I don’t care what the doctors says about my “anger-issues.”

“Well, I love you all the way down the lane as far as the river,” said Little Nutbrown Hare with a twisted grin plastered on his furry face.

“I love you across the river and over the hills,” said Big Nutbrown Hare.

Reel him in, thought Little Nutbrown Hare gleefully. He feigned sleep and pretended to yawn.

Then he looked beyond the thornbushes, out into the big dark night. Nothing could be farther than the sky, except maybe his grip on reality and the burning, seething desire for revenge churning in his belly.

“I love you right up to the moon,” he said, and closed his eyes.

“Oh, that’s far,” said Big Nutbrown Hare. “That is very, very far.”

Big Nutbrown Hare picked up Little Nutbrown Hare and placed him gently into a bed of leaves. He leaned over and kissed him good night.

Then he lay down close by and whispered with a smile, “I love you right up to the moon – and back.”

And then Little Nutbrown Hare tore off his ears and strangled him to death with the severed ends. The cop hares found Big Nutbrown Hare buried in a shallow grave the next day. And several hours later, they ended up shooting Little Nutbrown Hare to death after he tried to rob a carrot store. His last words were: "Love this!"

Read the 12 Valuable Lessons We Learned from Hollywood Here

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