DaRK PaRTY ReVIEW

::Literate Blather::

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Thor: Sex Advice Columnist

The God of Thunder Answers Readers Sensitive Inquiries on Sex

Dear Thor:
This is kind of embarrassing, but I’ve been having major problems keeping an erection during sex with my wife. I love her a lot, but she’s put on extra weight lately and all that flab just doesn’t do it for me. I’ve tried everything including snapping off the lights and closing my eyes to pretend that she’s Angelina Jolie. Nothing works. I’m desperate! Can you help me?
Signed,
Desperate in Detroit

DEAR DESPARATE:
I AM THOR GOD OF THUNDER! SLAYER OF GIANTS! EATER OF THE DEAD! STORM BRINGER! YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND, ARE THE GOD OF SOFT! NO MAN CAN GET ERECT THINKING ABOUT ANGELINA JOLIE! NOT EVEN BRAD PITT! FAT MAIDENS HAVE MORE CUSHION FOR THE PUSHIN’! COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS AND TAKE YOUR MAIDEN FROM BEHIND WHILE SCREAMING WAR HOWLS!
SINCERELY,
THOR

Dear Thor:
I’m 14 years old and I’m really nervous about the possibility of being gay. I keep dreaming about my Social Studies teacher Mr. Cagney. He’s this bald, fat guy, but he really seems to “get” me. The dreams are always about the two of us French kissing in the coat closet. Is this normal? Help me please!
Signed
Confused Boy

DEAR CONFUSED BOY:
I AM THOR GOD OF THUNDER! I AM THE SYMBOL OF ALL THAT IS MASCULINE AND POWERFUL! BUT ONCE I DID DREAM OF CARCASSING THE FIRM ASS OF LOKI AND WOKE WITH A START! IN MY RAGE AND CONFUSION, I DECIDED TO FIRE BOMB DENMARK WITH LIGHTNING BOLTS AND KILLED MANY VILLAGERS! THEN I POUNDED LOKI INTO A BLOODY PULP! TAKE A BATTLE AX TO MR. CAGNEY AND YOU WILL FEEL MUCH BETTER!
SINCERELY,
THOR

Hi Thor:
I’m a 38-year-old woman and lately I can’t stop thinking about sex. Sex, sex, sex – it’s on my mind constantly. Every man I meet I want to touch and grope, and, well, you get the picture! I’ve heard that women enter their sexual prime in middle age. Should I act out on these urges or just try to control them?
Signed
Horny Executive

DEAR HORNY:
SEND THOR PHOTOGRAPH AND ADDRESS! YOU HAVEN’T HAD SEX UNTIL YOU’VE HAD THOR THE GOD OF THUNDER! THOR WILL LET TOUCH, GROPE AND KISS HIS HUGE WAR HAMMER!
SINCERELY,
THOR

Dear Thor:
My boyfriend wants me to agree to have a threesome with his best friend. His friend is kind of cute, but I’m worried that this will ruin my relationship with my boyfriend. It seems kind of reckless and irresponsible. I know you’re a Norse God and all, but I was raised a Christian and this type of behavior is considered a sin. What should I do?
Signed
Good Girl

DEAR GOOD GIRL:
THOU SHOULD NOT LISTEN TO BAD ADVICE FROM JESUS CHRIST! VIKING WOMEN OFTEN DO RAPING AND PILLAGING AND YOU SHOULD DO THE SAME! DRINK MUCH GROG AND THEN MOUNT THOSE TWO BOYS LIKE THEY WERE WILD WOLVES OF THE NORTH!
SINCERELY,
THOR

Dear Thor:
I’m just going to come out and say this: I think I have a problem with masturbation. I can’t seem to go more than a few hours without pumping the dragon. I waxed the rascal at work. I polish the hard hat at home. I pull the snake in the shower. I rip the chord in the car. I can’t stop! How often does a “normal” guy masturbate anyway?
Signed
Nervous

DEAR NERVOUS:
WHEN THOR GETS URGE TO PLEASURE SELF HE ORDER VALKALERIES TO DO IT FOR HIM. THIS IS BECAUSE I AM GOD OF THUNDER, STORM BRINGER, AND SON OF ODIN! YOU, HOWEVER, ARE BEAT OFF AND LOSER! THOR WILL CRUSH YOU LIKE A BUG AND PUT YOU OUT OF YOUR MISERY!
SINCERELY,
THOR

(Thor’s advice is his own and doesn’t necessary reflect the editorial views of DaRK PaRTY. To ask Thor a question or send him a comment please wait until the winter solstice and then sacrifice a ram, two chickens, and a horse on stone table carved with Altuna runes. Then chant your request with your arms raised while facing north. Thor promises he will try to answer each inquiry, but please be patient.)

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Labels: Parody, Sex, Thor