::Literate Blather::
Monday, November 24, 2008
Thanksgiving Movies Rejected by Hollywood

Why Does Hollywood Refuse to Give Thanksgiving Any Love? Here's Why!

Thanksgiving gets no respect from Hollywood. Halloween, Christmas, and even April Fools Day have gotten movies dedicated to them. But Thanksgiving? Other than "Home for the Holidays" and "Planes, Trains and Automobiles," this most American holiday has been ignored.

DaRK PaRTY, however, was able to get our turkey-greased fingers on a few Thanksgiving motion pictures that were rejected by Hollywood. They seem like perfectly good movies to us. But you decide:

Fangsgiving Day

Beautiful high school senior Sarah (Vanessa Hudgens from “High School Musical 3”) and her dysfunctional family travel to rural Wisconsin for Thanksgiving with their estranged aunt. Once they arrive at the farming outpost, Sarah meets a charming young man named Clive (Shia LaBeouf) at the local 4-H club. The two teenagers fall instantly in love while judging an apple pie baking contest together. There’s only one problem – Clive is a vampire! Clive doesn’t feed on humans, however, but on the blood of turkeys at a large processing plant in town. Can Clive use his centuries of wisdom to help Sarah mend the petty disagreements and old resentments in her family before an evil vampire hunter (a very creepy performance by Robert De Niro) finds Clive? And will Sarah and Clive find true love despite their differences? Find out on Fangsgiving Day!

My Blood-Drenched Thanksgiving

More than 10 years ago in Turkey Cove, a small coastal town in Maine, an animal rights activist went crazy and killed three families who refused to have vegan celebrations on Thanksgiving Day. The killer (played by Robert Pattinson of “Twilight”) has now escaped from a mental institution and is on his way back to his hometown for revenge. His target is Ray Davidson (Thomas Haden Church), the owner of the Turkey Cove Super Saver, the supermarket that supplies the village with their Thanksgiving Day birds. Meanwhile Davidson had invited his extended family to his seaside manor for his annual Thanksgiving Day feast. Among the guests is his pretty teenage daughter Bella (Hayden Panettierre of “Heroes”). As members of Bella’s extended family begin to get hacked apart with an electric carving knife and have their mouths crammed with stuffing, the resourceful high schooler tries to elude the killer and save her immediate family from the same fate.

The Homecoming Game

The 1988 Pittsboro High School football team lost the Thanksgiving Day game against rival Sterling High School despite being heavily favored to win. The loss kept the team out of the state championship and started an extended 20-year losing streak against Sterling. Still unable to cope with the disappointment, former star quarterback Brett (Owen Wilson), now a two-bit loser, organizes a rematch for charity. He enlists his former teammates – star wide receiver (Will Ferrell), now a famous Hollywood actor, and star running back (Vince Vaughn), a homeless drunk, to help in the effort. The problem? The star Sterling quarterback, the obnoxious Jerry (Ben Stiller), is Brett’s boss at the Sterling Used Car Emporium. Can Brett keep his job and beat his boss on the playing field when the two teams – now made up of grumpy middle-aged men – meet for a Thanksgiving Day rematch? And will Brett finally be able to finally win back his high school sweetheart Emma (played by Reese Witherspoon)?

The Gobbler

Jimmy Gullet (voiced by Jack Black) is a turkey raised on one of the largest turkey farms in the country. It’s wonderful home for 364 days of the year anyway! A week before Thanksgiving, Jimmy accidentally overhears the cunning Farmer Blade (voiced by Dustin Hoffman) reveal the fate of Jimmy and thousands of his friends and family – Thanksgiving Day dinners! Jimmy has a week to save everyone at the farm from the axe! Can Jimmy convince his friends Jumpy the Squirrel (Whoopie Goldberg) and Ernie the Cow (John Ratzenberger) to help him organize his fellow turkeys to revolt and takeover the farm from Farmer Blade and his evil minions before the slaughter begins? Or will Jimmy have to take the axe to the farmer himself?

The Case of the Flying Mechanic

Thor: Sex Advice Columnist

12 Valuable Lessons from Hollywood

Labels: , ,

Stumble Upon Toolbar StumbleUpon | Digg! Digg | del.icio.us | Reddit | Technorati Technorati | E-mail a Link E-mail
AddThis Social Bookmark Button
Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
The Template is generated via PsycHo and is Licensed.