::Literate Blather::
Monday, May 14, 2007
Mr. McCutcheon Sends an Apology E-mail to the New Account Coordinator

To: Tiffany Gosselin
From: Chuck McCutcheon
CC: Human Resources Department
Subject: A Sincere Apology

Dear Tiffany:

First, I want to apologize for saying you dress like a prostitute. It was a lame attempt at humor. I had a long, informative meeting with our human resources director and she correctly educated me about the fashion sense of young people. So I now understand that your hip-hugging jeans that show off your cranberry thong and your tight, belly shirt that reveals the butterfly tattoo on your lower back is just a generational interpretation of casual Friday. Does it really matter that the hookers around Fort Dix dressed the same way 20 years ago? Our human resources director tells me no.

But you know me! As our human resource director explained: I’m always using humor to shield my own “insecurities” – whatever that psycho babble means. Unfortunately, some of my jokes fall flat. By flat, I mean, lackluster, not you know, any reference to your breasts. I mean you aren’t flat at all, quite the opposite, in fact. Not that I would ever notice the ample size of your surgically enhanced breasts even though you wear your shirt unbuttoned down to your navel most days. Not that there’s anything wrong with that either. Our human resources director told me that black, lace bras are considered a crucial fashion accessory these days, even if they appear to be two sizes too small. Hey, I’m just a 50 year old department head. What do I know about fashion?

Second, I want to also apologize for saying you were an “unintelligent feces” or something to that effect. I realize that you are a recent graduate of Mount Ida Community College – even though some people – not our human resources director – might argue that a two-year degree from a second-rate community college shouldn’t really count as having a “college” degree. But that is beside the point. Any responsible manager should not insult a subordinate even if said subordinate deleted a crucial client presentation an hour before the client meeting. Not even if said subordinate was only supposed to make color copies of the presentation – a simple task, especially for a “college” graduate. All you had to do was hit one lousy button, but maybe you couldn’t see with all that dyed black hair in your eyes.

I will, no doubt, have to try and make up for the colossal waste of time and money to the client, who flew in from Pittsburgh for the meeting. Does it really matter that I will have to write the presentation from scratch and that this endangers a $1 million account? Not according to the policies we have in place – which was read to me by our human resources director. A responsible manager shouldn’t erupt into a rage and insult the fashion sense and intelligence of a new junior member of our corporate family.

As our human resource director kindly reminded me: we are trying to foster a safe and friendly work environment here. A place where people can dress like sluts and act like fucking retards. So, even despite my outburst, you should fit in nicely around here.



To: Chuck McCutcheon
From: Tiffany Gosselin
CC: Human Resources Department
Subject: RE: A Sincere Apology

whatever… and dream on…my melons r 100% natrual...


To: Chuck McCutcheon
From: Human Resources Department
CC: Tiffany Gosselin
Subject: RE: RE: A Sincere Apology

Chuck, please come to my office immediately.

Betty Grables
Human Resources Director

Read our parody of "It's a Wonderful Life" (which was featured on McSweeney's)

Read our last e-mail parody (also which was featured on McSweeney's)

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