Labels: Parody, Sex, Thor

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An Interview with Erotic Writer Polly Frost

(DaRK PaRTY can be a bit of a prude. As a result, we don’t read much erotica – a fancy word for “dirty sex books.” Remember when “erotica” used to be sneaking a look at the topless natives in National Geographic? Well, it’s evolved. But curious as we are DP wanted to learn more about erotic. Help us, you know, stop being so damn repressed. So we turned to Polly Frost, a writer who recently published a collection of erotic tales called “Deep Inside.” Polly and her husband, Ray Sawhill, co-wrote and produced the comic and, well, raunchy Web series “The Fold” (due for release this summer). Also with her hubby, Polly co-wrote the X-rated and funny radio play “Sex Scenes.” Polly and Ray are working on two horror movie projects. Recently, Polly was kind enough to give DP a tutorial on all things erotic.)

DaRK PaRTY: How do you personally distinguish between erotica and pornography?

Polly: The usual joke is that erotica is what arouses me and porn is what arouses you. I like the way it points out what porn and erotica share in common, which is an intention to arouse the audience. Me, I really like art that's arousing, and I respect and enjoy the intention to arouse. Arousing-ness is a big part of why I love the arts generally. Speaking purely personally, though, I tend to take "porn" to mean arousing art that's blunt where "erotica" tends to imply arousing art that's fancier and more veiled.

As for my own work: While I love to turn my readers on, I really think of myself as a satirist who writes subversive, x-rated comedy. And I don't see how you can write satire without writing about sex! I mean, how can you live in this country and not write about the conflicted, crazy attitudes Americans have about sex?

When I first started out as a writer, I wrote humor pieces, for The New Yorker and for other publications. I loved writing humor, but I also found writing humor pieces for mainstream publications very limiting because I couldn't write explicitly about sex.

When it comes to the term "porn," I'm not offended if that's what some people call what I write. I don't think it's the case, but that's just me being picky. Besides, I'm a fan of a lot of porn filmmakers and stars. When Tor, the publisher of "Deep Inside," asked for me to get blurbs for my book, the first person I sent my book to was Ron Jeremy, who's famous as the porn star "The Hedgehog."

I think Ron is incredibly smart and witty, and an important pop-culture figure. People in their twenties all know Ron Jeremy. He's like a rock star or a comedian to them. So I was thrilled when Ron loved "Deep Inside" and praised it in porn terms. He said it gave him a boner. That's high praise, and from an expert source!

There's always been a connection between porn and cutting edge entertainment and art -- whether it's the stand-up comedy of Lenny Bruce, or the art of Jeff Koons, or the current thriving burlesque scene as practiced by artists like Dita Von Teese, Nasty Canasta, and Julie Atlas Muz, or the sex satire in "South Park."

DP: What writers do you think write excellent erotic fiction?

Polly: I think the best erotic fiction is written from within the characters, and therefore isn't moral (or romantic or uplifting) about the characters. The scheming couple that Choderlos de Laclos wrote about in "Dangerous Liaisons" is a delicious and riveting creation. That story has remained popular because Laclos doesn't shy away from the differences between men and women when it comes to sex, love, and affairs. It's cold, it's objective, and it's true.

Some others ... Junichiro Tanizaki wrote some of the best erotic fiction. I love his sly masterpiece about masochism, "Naomi." My husband and I -- we often co-write together -- are both huge fans of Terry Southern, who wrote the exuberant sexual satires "Blue Movie" and "Candy," as well as ribald scripts for some of Hollywood's best movies of the '60's.

"The Story of O" by Pauline Reage is essential erotic fiction reading because it captures a female archetype: the modern independent woman who longs to be dominated. Reage doesn't excuse her character's drive, or romanticize it, or turn it into something "sex positive." It's just there, and she puts it on paper once and for all. I also think that "The Story of O" is a deeply religious book about a woman who's on a spiritual quest. I'm a fan of Erica Jong's "Fear of Flying." If you think of it as a dated piece of '70's feminist ranting, read it again! It holds up beautifully and it's hilarious.

I also think some of the best erotic fiction writing was done by bestselling authors of the '60's and '70's: Jacqueline Susann, Harold Robbins, people like that. They wrote about sexually ruthless characters in frank and powerful ways.

There's a big reason they were popular: Their characters resonate. I love it that Robbins and Susann don't soften their characters or try to make them likable. The preoccupation with "likableness" in today's popular-culture world drives me crazy. And it's not very sexy. Since when do you have to like someone to be turned on by them?

Among the contemporary erotic fiction writers: Maxim Jakubowski writes amazingly hot and smart novels himself, and he edits the indispensable "Mammoth" series of erotica anthologies too.

I'm also looking forward to reading "Diana: A Diary in the Second Person" by the Canadian writer, Russell Smith. I love "Lie With Me" by another Canadian writer, Tamara Faith Berger. I think Zane is a wonderfully hot writer, and enjoyed Anne Rice's "Beauty."

In New York City, we're really fortunate to have Rachel Kramer Bussel. She writes her own wonderful stories, edits tons of anthologies, and hosts a terrific erotica reading series called “In the Flesh at Happy Ending Lounge.” Rachel is New York's go-to girl for erotic writing.

DP: How do you judge what makes a good erotic story when writing your own fiction?

Polly: I'm hoping that what turns me on will also turn on some of my readers. It's a gamble but what else are you going to do? Besides, part of what I love about erotic fiction is the subjectivity factor. People generally can't fool themselves about what turns them on, while in higher-minded art they can lose themselves in fantasies about worthwhileness or "art." They can talk themselves into thinking they love something that they don't really love.

Meanwhile, in erotica, a book or painting or film either works for you personally or it doesn't. While I know that some people see the subjectivity factor as a reason to look down on erotic fiction, I take it to mean that erotic fiction is like suspense fiction: it's the ultimate artistic high-wire act.

I do a few things to keep myself tuned in to other people's minds and desires, though. I like to have actors read whatever I write, for instance. I'm lucky to know some of the best actors in New York City. Having actors read my fiction in front of live audiences has been a tremendous keeping-it-honest experience. I did live readings with actors for five years. I did a monthly series at Cornelia Street Cafe in New York City, and I also toured cities across the country.

I worked with lots of actors, in lots of different venues, in front of all kinds of audiences. I think that was one of the most important things I ever did for my writing because it gave me the chance to experience audience reactions. Honestly, I think all fiction writers should spend five years giving readings. It's hard to put into words what you get out of seeing your work performed live, but it certainly sharpens your audience sense. Too many writers live purely in their heads, it seems to me.

And the actors themselves are fantastic resources. Any really good actor knows if a character is working or not. They know if the moment is true or not.

My favorite response as a writer is laughter accompanied by arousal, which I'm happy to say we got a lot of at our readings! But we've also had couples make out during readings, and we've had people talk back to the stage. There was this one moment we really cherished when one of our actresses was reading a passage in praise of anal sex, and a guy in the audience kind of groaned and moaned and said, "Oh, it's a beautiful thing, baby!" Our actress was very quick and said right back to him, "You know it is." It was a great moment. That was a real highlight of our writing lives!

DP: What are the biggest public misconceptions about erotica?

Polly: The biggest misconception is that erotic fiction is somehow a different creature than fiction-fiction, and that it should be shelved away from the rest of "literature." In book publishing, if you write something with a lot of sex in it, there are two main ways they'll market your book today: either as "sex positive" fiction or as "spicy romance." "Literature" itself has become something that's written -- as my poet friend, Michele Madigan Somerville says -- "from the neck up."

It's really annoying that mainstream publishing views erotic fiction in this way.

The "sex positive" thing is a small peeve of mine. "Sex positive" books are meant to make readers feel good about their sexual desires, whether it's S and M, or for a polyamory lifestyle, or for being whipped. I don't want to sound unfeeling, and it's not as though I don't care if my readers feel good about themselves sexually.

Of course I do. But honestly, that's something for them to take up with a therapist. I'm a fiction writer and my task is to write about the world as I actually see it. And the world -- and sex, and sexual experiences -- often have dark and even negative sides to them. Sometimes those dark and negative sides are even a big part of what's sexy.

The "sex positive" movement has also had the effect of genderizing erotic writing, which is too bad. Erotica books have become largely written by women for women. Guys -- who used to be enthusiastic readers of dirty books -- are barely catered to at all these days. When was the last time you heard a man say he needed to feel positive about his sex drive?

And I like writing for men as well as women. In fact, the audience for my writing has turned out to be largely male. Guys are the biggest fans of what I write. I'm thrilled!

But it's sad that book publishing and bookstores do such a lousy job of appealing to men. Hey, book-publishing people: Men love reading fiction with sex in it. But they do not want to venture into the romance section to find a book!

One of the reasons that "erotic" books are sequestered is that bookstores are terrified of complaints from the damn soccer moms and librarians. God forbid that teenagers should pick up a book with a sex passage in it, become engrossed in reading, and develop a taste for books. I don't know that I'd be much of a reader myself -- let alone a writer -- had I not started off my reading life looking for dirty books, and for the dirty passages inside mainstream books.

I'll give a personal example. Have you ever heard of the spy novel "Lotta Drum and the 69 Pleasures?" I didn't think so, but I found it instead of a Gideon bible in a hotel room once when I was twelve and couldn't stop reading it. I'd never read anything like the lesbian bamboo torture scenes in it. They also got me reading anything else that had the aura of sex around it, and that includes some great literature, like Henry Miller and Philip Roth. So many thanks to the author of "Lotta Drum" -- whoever you were under that obvious pseudonym -- for turning me into a reader!

DP: You recently published "Deep Inside" that you define as supernatural erotica. Can you describe that concept and what you were trying to accomplish with the book?

Polly: I wanted to write stories that were like the '60's and '70's horror movies that I love: movies like "Barbarella" and the Italian "giallo" films, or like such Japanese movies as "Onibaba" and "Woman in the Dunes." I wanted to write dark and disturbingly arousing stories with dangerous women at the center of them. Another was to develop genuine story lines. In other words, I wanted to create living-breathing characters and put them in highly-charged situations, and I wanted the sex to both create and grow out of those situations.

I wanted each 20 page story to feel like a complete little movie, in other words. I also hoped they'd make people laugh.

As it turns out I've been really pleased by the way people have responded to "Deep Inside." I've heard over and over from readers who have said the stories in "Deep Inside" affected their fantasies, or that they found themselves having dreams about the stories weeks after finishing the book.

I'm also pleased when people write me and say they didn't think they'd ever be interested in erotic fiction until they read it, but that the situations and characters resonate with them.

I never mind if a reader writes me an angry email or pans "Deep Inside." I've had readers say they were disturbed and upset by the book. That's okay with me. I like strong reactions.

Read more of our 5 Questions About:

Ants

Elvis

Charles Dickens

Labels: 5 Questions, Erotica, interview, Polly Frost, Writing

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Pizza and Chinese food deliveries occur a few times a week. And, of course, she has Internet access and cable TV.

Her house is beginning to look a lot like a cocoon.

It’s time to admit that as Americans we’re addicted to shortcuts. We want things to be fast, easy, and cheap. And that spells: convenience. Americans aren’t lazy. Our work productivity is the highest in the world. We work longer hours and take less vacation than other developed nations. But we’re obsessed with saving time (what we’re saving it for is unclear).

Take these rather alarming statistics pointing to our addiction to convenience:

• The staggering increase in the popularity of disposal cameras – even disposable digital cameras. Analyst firm IDC said disposal camera sales reached a high of 460 million units in 2004.

• About 30 percent of all households across the United States (about 34 million homes) use landscaping companies to maintain their lawns and yards. Consumers in the U.S. spent more than $44.7 billion on landscaping, according to the National Gardening Association. The growth of landscaping services increases about 10 percent each year.
  

• The market for grocery delivery is expected to reach a high of $7.5 billion in 2008. The average time it takes to order groceries is about 10 minutes, according to a report in the Canadian Press. Why go to the supermarket?
  

• 2007 marked the sixth consecutive year that online sales increased at a double-digit rate. Last year, online sales hit an all-time high of about $62.7 billion.
  

• Going out to eat – even at fast food and casual restaurants is declining in favor of “prepared foods” consumers can buy at supermarkets (or have delivered by supermarkets) and pop into the microwave oven at home, according to a study by Technomic.

Americans view these everyday tasks as chores – unnecessary inconveniences and time wasters better delegated to another. But it’s a mistake to think of these things as chores – they’re responsibilities. They’re the cost of self-sufficiency (and, quite frankly, help build character). Isn’t the child who does their own homework better off than the child who pays someone else to do it?

There is, of course, an enormous price for all of this convenience: pollution, climate change, and energy consumption. But the high social and cultural costs may be the most damaging. All this convenience – and buck passing – is isolating individuals and eroding the social fabric of our neighborhoods and communities.

This disconnect may be this is why Americans continue to believe our society is at its most dangerous point in history despite a long-time trend in declining violent crime rates (the homicide rate in 2005, for example, was at its lowest point since 1965. But good lucking trying to convince people of that).

My parents knew all of their neighbors intimately. The women all stayed home with their children – set up play dates, babysat for each other, visited each other for lunch and tea. My father knew the men because every weekend they were outside cutting their lawns, trimming their hedges, painting their houses and garages, washing their cars, and performing other regular maintenance on their homes. They took breaks together, borrowed tools from each other, and shared beers at the end of the day.

That forged friendships which lead to family barbeques, joint vacations, dinner and movie dates, dinner parties, etc. When I was growing up, I was intimate with the insides of every neighbor’s house, played with their children, knew their relatives, and thought of neighbors as surrogate parents.

Now as an adult, I’ve never been inside any of my neighbors’ houses, except for one. Only four people out of 10 houses on my section of street even cut their own lawns (and this includes a 75-year-old widow).

Our thirst for convenience undermines our communities. Ordering DVDs over the Internet has closed down one of the two video stores in town. Amazon.com and other online book retailers shuttered the two bookstores many years ago. Home theater will eventually eradicate movie houses. Can gourmet “prepared meals” soon replace restaurants?

We even let convenience erode services we used to get for free. That’s why we now pump our own gas and why we’re starting to check-out and bag our own groceries at the supermarket. Because doing it alone is faster.

Convenience has become an addiction. One all responsible adults should try and break. Mow your own lawn. Rake rather than use a gas-powered blower. Paint your house. Go food shopping. These tasks? These chores?

It’s called life.

Labels: Convenience, Culture, Essay, Society

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A rather callous friend has a favorite axiom in the form of a riddle. It goes like this: “What do mopeds and fat girls have in common? They’re fun to ride, but you don’t want your friends to see you on one.”

Clearly, he’s a man of high culture.

But there is a deeper meaning here. There are some things that are oh-so pleasurable – but extremely embarrassing.

We call them guilty pleasures.

And nowhere do guilty pleasures proliferate like they do in music. All of us have those damnable songs that we wouldn’t be caught dead listening to if there were other people in the room.

Songs that make us prance and sing in the shower – and then we pretend to hate when our jazz aficionado friend comes over for brunch and we talk about the genius of Miles Davis and Charles Mingus.

Allow us to share with you some of those guilty pleasures. Those ridiculous little numbers that we can’t shake – those sugary, bouncy tunes that we can’t live without (even if we listen to them in the closet).

U Can’t Touch This

Artist: MC Hammer (see video above)

Released: June 1990

Album: "Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em"

Ridiculous Fact: The song is used in a commercial for the antipbacterial hand cream Purell.

Favorite Lyric: “Break it down/ Stop, Hammer time!”

Where Are They Now: MC Hammer is married with six children. He became a born-again Christian in 1997 and currently has a TV sow on the Trinity Broadcast Network. He actually officiated the wedding of washed up actor Corey Feldman in 2002.

Stunning Insight: The real reason “U Can’t Touch This” rocks is because it samples Rick James’ “Super Freak.”

Ice, Ice Baby

Artist: Vanilla Ice

Released: 1990

Album: "To The Extreme"

Ridiculous Fact: “Ice, Ice Baby” was used on the commercial advertising the children’s Christmas movie “The Santa Clause 3.”

Favorite Lyric: “Yo VIP let’s kick it!”

Where Are They Now: Vanilla Ice has become a staple on bad reality TV shows – the low point being beaten in a boxing match by Todd Bridges during “Celebrity Boxing.” He was also arrested in 2001 and in 2008 for beating his wife.

Stunning Insight: That familiar base line? It’s David Bowie and Queen’s song “Under Pressure.”

Scooby Snacks

Artist: Fun Lovin’ Criminals

Released: 1995

Album: "Come Find Yourself"

Ridiculous Fact: The Scooby Snacks in question are diazepam (also known as Valium), which allows bank robbers to remain cool, calm, and collective during a heist.

Favorite Lyric: “Is this some Kharmic-Chi love thing happening here baby or what.”

Where Are They Now: The band is still together and has a cult following, especially in Britain.

Stunning Insight: The popularity of “Scooby Snacks” may have been because of the sampling of Quentin Tarantino movies in the song.

I’m Your Boogie Man

Artist: KC and the Sunshine Band

Released: 1977

Album: "Part 3"

Ridiculous Fact: The song was featured in all four “Scary Movie” trailers.

Favorite Lyric: “I’m your boogie man that’s what I am.”

Where Are They Now: Harry Wayne Casey “KC” still tours and does about 200 shows a year.

Stunning Insight: KC and the Sunshine Band made a career of writing disco songs that became guilty pleasures. DaRK PaRTY has a bad KC jones.

Achy Breaky Heart

Artist: Billy Ray Cyrus

Released: 1992

Album: "Some Gave All"

Ridiculous Fact: The popular song was partly responsible for helping revive an American tradition: the mullet hairstyle.

Favorite Lyric: “You can tell your ma I moved to Arkansas
Or you can tell your dog to bite my leg.”

Where Are They Now: While his popularity has plummeted, Billy Ray Cyrus is still kicking around on the entertainment fringes and even sang the “Star Spangled Banner” to kick-off game 5 of the 2006 World Series. He also has a new hit song “Ready, Set, Don’t Go” released in 2007.

Stunning Insight: On further reflection “Achy Breaky Heart” isn’t that good.

Footloose

Artist: Kenny Loggins

Released: 1984

Album: The Footloose Movie Soundtrack

Ridiculous Fact: Kenny Loggins performed the song at Live Aid with Chevy Chase in 1985.

Favorite Lyric: “Loose, footloose/Kick off our Sunday shoes/ Please, Louise/ Pull me offa my knees.”

Where Are They Now: Loggins is back to performing and recording again. He released an album in 2005 and started his own record label “180 Music” in 2007.

Stunning Insight: The song is better than the movie - but only just barely.

You Dropped a Bomb on Me

Artist: The Gap Band

Released: 1982

Album: "Gap Band IV"

Ridiculous Fact: The song is played on the Dale & Holley Show on sports radio station WEEI in Boston every time they blow up a caller.

Favorite Lyric: “You turn me out, you turn me on/ You turned me loose, then you turned me wrong.”

Where Are They Now: The band still performs and many of the members have solo albums.

Stunning Insight: Believe it or not, but the Gap Band has 19 albums – the first coming in 1974 and the last one released in 2001. That’s four decades of music.

Who Let the Dogs Out?

Artist: Baha Men

Released: 2000

Album: “Who Let the Dogs Out?”

Ridiculous Fact: The song is a cover of a tune originally recorded in Trinidad in 1998.

Favorite Lyric: “Who let the dogs out (woof, woof, woof, woof).”

Where Are They Now: No one is quite sure. The Baha Men disappeared after releasing an album in 2004. It’s likely that the Bahamas-based band disbanded.

Stunning Insight: The song was released on the Rugrats movies soundtrack as well, but has found a real home in sports stadiums around the United States.

Jump Around

Artist: House of Pain (see video below)

Released: 1992

Album: “House of Pain”

Ridiculous Fact: The song is featured in the movie “Mrs. Doubtfire.”

Favorite Lyric: “I’ll serve your ass like John MacEnroe/ If your steps up, I’m smacking the ho.”

Where Are They Now: The band broke up (I know, I know, it breaks me up as well). One member founded an art company and DJ Lethal actually joined Lim Bizkit.

Stunning Insight: This song is oddly addictive, yet the House of Pain never could capture magic in bottle again and they remain famous for being one of those one-hit wonder groups.

Bust A Move

Artist: Young MC

Released: 1989

Album: “Stone Cold Rhymin’”

Ridiculous Fact: Flea from the Red Hot Chili Pepper’s plays the bassline in the song.

Favorite Lyric: “A chick walks by you wish you cold sex her/ But you’re standn’ on the wall like you was Poindexter.”

Where Are They Now: Young MC – a.k.a. Marvin Young – still performs and lives in Arizona.

Stunning Insight: Yes, we dance in our underwear.

Stayin’ Alive

Artist: Bee Gees

Released: 1978

Album: “Saturday Night Fever” soundtrack

Ridiculous Fact: The video of “Stayin’ Alive” would get the Bee Gees arrested in most states nowadays for wearing their pants that are too tight.

Favorite Lyric: “I’m goin’ no where/ Some body help me there.”

Where Are They Now: Maurice Gibb died in 2003. Robin and Barry have reunited a few times to play concerts.

Stunning Insight: Try not to sing this baby in a high-pitched voice.

Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)

Artist: C+C Music Factory

Released: 1990

Album: “Gonna Make You Sweat”

Ridiculous Fact: It was sung with a harmonica by Borat in the comedy “Borat’s Guide to America.”

Favorite Lyric: “Party people in the house move.”

Where Are They Now: The band broke up, but Robert Clivilles is in a new group called MVP

Stunning Insight: There’s a reason why the song keeps cropping up in movie comedies, but it makes you want to dance your ass off.

Labels: Baha Men, Bee Gees, Billy Ray Cyrus, C+C Music Factory, Fun Lovin' Criminals, Gap Band, House of Pain, KC and the Sunshine Band, Kenny Loggins, MC Hammer, Music, Vanilla Ice, Young MC

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By Rev. Colson Crosslick

What could be a more innocent toy than Legos?

That’s what I used to think before I did some research.  Did you know that Lego was founded and is still headquartered in Denmark, one of the socialist bloc countries in communist-controlled Scandinavia?  We all know what the Danes are about – free sex, nude beaches, and women who don’t shave their armpits!

In other words, Denmark is a nation full of filthy liberals.  

So is it any surprise that these “progressives” have founded a company that has a subversive anti-Christian agenda?  Of course not.  This is how the liberal underground operates – especially in places like Denmark!

Lego, as should be evident by now, is a trap toy for Christian parents.  They suck you right in.  Christian folks think they are buying a series of interlocking blocks of various shapes and sizes.  These blocks can be used to build churches, angels, the Garden of Eden, and even Jesus dying on the crucifix.  They seem harmless!

Where’s the injury?

Well, how about a series of Lego toys that promotes and symbolizes rape, sodomy, murder, thievery, kidnapping, torture, poor hygiene, and bad dental habits?

I’m talking about one of Lego’s most popular products: Lego Pirate.  It was launched in 1989, discontinued, but has been revived after the success of the horrid and anti-Christian “Pirates of Caribbean” movies (produced by a company founded on greed – Walt Disney, but that’s a column for another day).

It is amazing that an alleged “toy” company could actually celebrate pirates – among the most brutal criminals in history.  Good Christians should keep far away from pirates and not allow their children to play with any toys – never mind Legos – that depict these scoundrels.

Allow me to give you a brief history of piracy – a history that Lego doesn’t want you to know!

• Blackbeard, one of the most notorious pirates, created a flag for his ship that depicted the devil holding an hourglass in one hand and stabbing a spear into a bleeding heart with the other.  Can you imagine anything more anti-Christian?  The commies over at Lego had a pirate figurine created in honor of Blackbeard called “Redbeard.”

• An old time author named Robert Louis Stevenson wrote a despicable novel called “Treasure Island” that features pirates, murder, drinking, and the kidnapping of a young, nubile boy by rough tattooed (and sometime bare-chested) buccaneers.  Lego, of course, thinks this is a good thing and has a toy named after this seedy, sexually graphic novel.

• The historical pirate Black Bart had two flags made in his honor.  One of them showed him holding hands with Death and the other showed him standing on two skulls and holding a dagger.  Lego has a series of skeleton figures wearing pirate caps that resemble the Grim Reaper.  These creepy figurines are made for children under the age of 10!

• Captain Jack Sparrow, a ruthless and cunning pirate, may have been gay.  If you look closely at the Lego figurine Captain Roger (who has an eye patch, a hook for an arm, and a wooden stump for a leg) you can see a homosexual glimmer in his expression – just like Jack Sparrow probably had!
  

Lego should be ashamed of itself.  It’s bad enough that the company is run by crazy Danish socialists, but do they have to subject our children to savage pirates?  What’s next for Lego – a series on notable 20^th century serial killers?  Hey, kids here’s a figurine of John Wayne Gacy dressed as a clown and sodomizing little boy and Ted Bundy performing necrophilia on a dead college girl!

Wow, I hope I haven’t given them the idea for their next Christmas toy!

Do the right thing.  Boycott Lego and boycott all pirate toys.  Don’t wait until your children cut off their hand so they can insert a hook and then use it to kill the neighbor’s son – just because Lego made them think it was “cool.”

(The Rev. Colson Crosslick is pastor of the Pretty Good Shepherd Church in Ripsaw, Arkansas.  In the past, he has called for a ban against Walt Disney for promoting pirate movies.  He also writes the regularly appearing column Under God's Right Arm for DaRK PaRTY.)

More of Rev. Crosslick's intellectual insights:

The Disease of Liberalism

Bringing Intelligence Back to Science

Dungeons & Dragons: Satan's Game

Labels: Corporate, Lego, Parody, Under God's Right Arm

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The Super Abilities that Would Enhance
Your Everyday Life

It’s obviously a burning question. If you could be any superhero – who would you choose to be?

Unfortunately, that’s not the right question.

Superheroes like Batman, for example, technically don’t have any powers. They are normal human beings – with exaggerated skill sets. So it’s easy for DC Comics to conveniently forget that Batman is just a guy – and have him do impossible feats anyway.

There are also those superheroes whose powers come with a lot of baggage (i.e. negative intangibles). For example, The Thing has superhuman strength, but who wants to be trapped inside his hard-as-granite body? The concept of the Hulk might be fun, but losing your temper would be out of the question. And some of those X-Men mutants would be out the question (hello, Beast).

We want powers – powers that we can utilize in everyday life (and powers that don’t make us a freak). So the real question should be: Which superhero has the coolest powers?

Lucky for you DaRK PaRTY has the answers:

(And for sake of argument – we’re not going to include Superman – who seems to have every damn power imaginable. And let’s face the facts: who really wants to be one of those heroes with super insect abilities like Spiderman and Ant-Man? Isn’t that kind of disgusting?)

The Vision

Secret Identity: Victor Shade

Creator: Timely Comics (later bought by Marvel Comics)

Origin: The android Vision was created by the robot Ultron from an android of the Human Torch (yeah, it’s complicated). Vision rebelled against his creator and joined the Avengers – later marrying Scarlet Witch.

Costume: Green and yellow tights with a flowing yellow cape. Vision has an orange face and a bald dome.

First Appeared: Marvel Mystery Comics #13 (November, 1940). First appeared as an android and a member of the Avengers in Avengers #57 (October, 1968)

Cool Powers: Vision can control the density and mass of his body – becoming as vaporous as steam to as indestructible as iron. As a result of this power, he can move through walls and fly. He possesses superhuman strength and the ability to shoot beams of energy from his eyes and a jewel fastened to his forehead. Vision is also a computer expert and certified genius.

Cool Factor: What’s not to love about changing the density of your body? Think about the bully wanting to punch you out and you get to change your body so it’s as hard as a diamond and he breaks his hand on your face. How about flying? How about never needing IT support? How about tackling that New York Times crossword puzzle? How about mixing with the steam in the girl’s locker room?

The Flash

Secret Identity: Jay Garrick (he was the first Flash, but there have been three others Barry Allen, Wally West, and Bart Allen)

Creator: DC Comics

Origin: Jay Garrick inhaled hard vapors to gain his powers, but there are three other origin stories. The best is probably for Barry Allen, a police scientist who accidentally bathed in chemicals and then was struck by lightning.

Costume: Red tights with a yellow lightning bolt on his chest, yellow boots, and yellow gloves. A face covering with small wings hides his eyes and forehead.

First Appeared: Flash Comics #1 (January, 1940)

Cool Powers: Flash is the fastest human being in the world (and lately even travels faster than Superman). He has the ability to run, move, and react at superhuman speeds. He can vibrate his molecules to walk through solid matter (like walls or bank vaults) and can even run so fast as to move backward in time.

Cool Factor: No more being late for meetings. And even if you do miss one you can simply run back in time. Besides, wouldn’t it be fun to run so fast that you can move across water (and even step across clouds)? Who needs a plane ticket to Costa Rica when you can be there in a matter of seconds? Want coffee in Seattle, breakfast in New York, lunch in China, tea in London, and then dinner in Paris? No problem!

Green Lantern

Secret Identity: Hal Jordan is the best known, but there have been many Green Lanterns including Alan Scott, Guy Gardner, John Stewart (no relation to the comedian), Kyle Rayner, and Jade

Creator: DC Comics

Origin: There are also various origin stories. But the Green Lantern is a member of an intergalactic protection squad known as the Green Lantern Corps – basically guardians of the universe. The Green Lanterns all have a power ring that gives them their powers. Sticking with Hal Jordan, he was a test pilot who was given the ring by an alien being that crash on Earth.

Costume: Green and black tights – with the torso in green and the black as the extremities. The Green Lantern logo adorns the chest. He also wears an eye mask.

First Appeared: All-American Comics #16 (1940)

Cool Powers: The power ring is the ultimate weapon and can give the bearer some amazing powers: flight (even at the speed of light), time travel, telepathic powers, language translation, force fields, become invisible, and firing plasma bolts. Basically the ring’s powers are only limited by the imagination of the user.

Cool Factor: The ring has to recharge on occasion and has limited abilities against yellow objects. But, hey, this is one cool piece of jewelry. Using its telepathic powers makes being a couch potato so much easier (and the ability to turn yourself invisible is handy when the wife walks into the living room looking for you to mow the lawn). And who wouldn’t want a force field to keep off the rain, walk across puddles, and tune out the boss at work?

Wonder Man

Secret Identity: Simon Williams

Creator: Marvel Comics

Origin: Originally a villain, Wonder Man was created by Simon Williams, a rich industrialist, tries to embezzle money from his failed company and ends up in prison. He blames Tony Stark (Ironman) and lets a super villain Baron Zemo transform him into an ion-powered superhero. In the end, Wonder Man turns on Zemo and becomes a member of the Avengers.

Costume: Red sunglasses, red and black tank top, and gray tights

First Appeared: Avengers #9 (October, 1964)

Cool Powers: Wonder Man is one tough customer with incredible superhuman strength, speed, stamina, and reflexes. But even better is that he has self-regenerating ionic energy that gives him immortality and the ability to live without needing to sleep, eat, or even breathe. Bonus – he can fly.

Cool Factor: In this age of 24/7 everything – who wouldn’t want to the ability not to sleep or eat? Think of how productive you’d be at work and at home without needing eight hours of forced interruption (known as sleep). Without sleeping and eating, you could finally finish reading “Moby Dick.”

Starfox

Secret Identity: Eros (we’ll get to this!)

Creator: Marvel Comics

Origin: Eros is an Eternal, a super subset of humanity that left Earth and settled on Titan, a moon of Saturn, many centuries ago. Starfox is a laid-back adventurer with a thing for the ladies.

Costume: Red tights with a white triangle breast plate, golden metal wrist bands, and white calf-high boots.

First Appeared: Iron Man #55 (February, 1973)

Cool Powers: Starfox has superhuman strength, speed, and stamina. He can also fly. But we’re saving the best for last – his ability to slow aging and heal faster than normal are very cool, but his real showstopper is his psychic charm. Starfox can stimulate the pleasure centers in other people’s minds – making them very susceptible to his charms. He can make women become infatuated with him.

Cool Factor: High school would have been a breeze as Starfox. Think how fun it would have been to date the entire cheerleading squad. Think of how easy work would be as you convince your co-workers to do all your work for you as you charm your boss into giving you promotions, raises, and bonuses. Tax audit? No worries! Pulled over for speeding? Hello, officer! Feel like dating Kirsten Dunst or Winona Ryder? Good evening, ladies!

Echo (aka Ronin)

Secret Identity: Maya Lopez

Creator: Marvel Comics

Origin: Her father is killed by the super villain Kingpin – but ends up being raised by Kingpin (her father leaves a bloody handprint on her face – thus the below explanation for her odd costume).

Costume: Black jumpsuit with long leather gloves and white hand print on her face

First Appeared: Daredevil Vol. 2 #9 (December, 1999)

Cool Powers: While an amazingly gifted athlete, Echo has the very cool ability to perfectly mimic other people’s movements and skills. By simple observation, Echo can become a concert-level violinist, a black-belt in martial arts, paint a portrait worthy of Van Gogh, operate any kind of equipment, and even become a baseball pitching ace.

Cool Factor: Talk about impressing your friends! There would be no skill and no endeavor that you wouldn’t be able to master completely. Want to become a fencing champion? How about an Oscar winning actress? Feel the need to win the Indy 500? Maybe you can pen a bestseller in your spare time. And how saving boatloads of cash on contractors? No more plumbers, carpenters or electricians. You’ll be able to do it all.

Multiple Man

Secret Identity: James Madrox

Creator: Marvel Comics

Origin: He is a mutant and was born with his abilities.

Costume: Dark green tights with a cool atom like logo on his chest.

First Appeared: Giant Size Fantastic Four #4 (February, 1975)

Cool Powers: By harnessing kinetic energy (like clapping his hands or banging his feet), Multiple Man can create unlimited duplicates of himself (and even the duplicates can make duplicates). Multiple Man can also duplicate anything he is holding. Each of his copies can think on their own and have independent experiences. Once he reabsorbs the duplicates those experiences become that of Multiple Man.

Cool Factor: You could get a lot done as Multiple Man. Send one duplicate to work, have another mow the lawn, send a third to the grocery store, a fourth will mind the kids, a fifth can do volunteer work at the soup kitchen, the sixth can study and take classes for your MBA, and a seventh can watch cartoons on TV. There are really no limits to how many different lives and experiences you could have.

Captain Marvel

Secret Identity: William Batson

Creator: Fawcett Comics (later DC Comics)

Origin: Radio reporter Billy Batson was given the power to transform himself into a superhero by uttering the word “Shazam!” by the good wizard of the same name.

Costume: Red tights with a lightning bolt across the chest and a short white cape trimmed in gold.

First Appeared: Whiz Comics #2 (February, 1940)

Cool Powers: Captain Marvel may possess the coolest of powers – especially if you’re fond of Greek mythology. He has the wisdom of Solomon, the strength of Hercules, the stamina of Atlas, the power of Zeus, the courage of Achilles, and the speed of Mercury (spell it out and you get SHAZAM). And, yes, he can fly, too.

Cool Factor: Tapping into the collective power of Greek gods and heroes at will would be a boon to anyone. Captain Marvel has great wisdom (which allows him to hypnotize people), his stamina means he doesn’t have to eat or sleep or breathe. He can lift anything. Hell, he even has the ability to use magic. What’s not to like?

The Phantom Stranger

Secret Identity: Unknown

Creator: DC Comics

Origin: DC has never revealed The Phantom Stranger’s origin, but has hinted at possibilities such as: he is a fallen angel, a citizen spared God’s wrath in biblical days, that he was a soldier who helped kill Jesus and now he helps society, and that he may be a being from another universe.

Costume: He looks a bit like the Phantom of the Opera. He wears a dark suit, a cloak, and a fedora that continually shades his face.

First Appeared: Phantom Stranger #1 (August/September 1952)

Cool Powers: The full extent of the Phantom Stranger’s powers is unknown, but he is immortal. He can travel great distances in short periods of time and can travel to realms such as heaven and hell. He’s also been known to time travel, dispel magic and illusions, and look into the future. He can also fire bolts of energy.

Cool Factor: The Phantom Stranger is basically a bad ass. His powers would be essential for any business man – zipping to and from meetings on both coasts, visiting colleagues and clients in hell, traveling back in time to make sure that this time you zip up your fly for those prom photos. And why not give the guy who cut you off this morning a burst of energy bolt?

Thor

Secret Identity: Thor has several identities: Donald Blake, Sigurd Jarlson, Jake Olsen and the bizarre Donar the Mighty

Creator: Marvel Comics

Origin: He is a Norse God – Thor the God of Thunder (how’s that for a cool sounding moniker?)

Costume: Ancient armor garbed with a steel helmet with wings, red cloak, and a really, really large war hammer.

First Appeared: Journey into Mystery #83 (August, 1962)

Cool Powers: Well, Thor is the Norse god of Thunder and Lightning. So he’s not to be trifled with. He’s not immortal, but close to it having lived for thousands of years. He’s the strongest Norse god and when he’s in combat his battle rage can increase his strength by a factor of 10x. His magic hammer, Mjolnir, helps him control weather, fly, and send out blasts of energy known as: The God Blast.

Cool Factor: How about showing up for a board meeting and howling “I AM THOR GOD OF THUNDER!” We bet that would shorten the question and answer period a tad. And really can there be a better pick-up line than telling a woman that you’re a Norse God?

5 Questions About: Comic Books

The 5 Best and 5 Worst Movies about Superheroes

Labels: comics, superheroes

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Labels: literary criticism, literature, Ring Lardner

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Spring has arrived in New England.

There were two obvious signs. First was the purple crocus poking its shiny head through the wet soil of my backyard garden.

The second was the screaming roar of the gas powered leaf blowers being used by the landscapers in my neighbor’s yard. The noise was deafening – bone rattling – and shattered the morning quiet.

It was as if the leaf blowers snuck up on silence and beat it to death with thick oak clubs.

I closed my eyes and drank my coffee – quietly mourning tranquility.

The racket ended after 35 grueling minutes. I savored the silence until, of course, another landscaping crew arrived at another neighbor’s house and the shriek of the leaf blowers once again murdered tranquility.

Poor tranquility.

And say nothing of my shot nerves and the growing annoyance eating away inside my belly like a cancer.

Gas powered leaf blowers – the kind commonly favored by landscaping companies – produce sound decibels between 80-90 dBA. The U.S. Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) consider noises above 85 dBA to be dangerous.

But noise is only part of the problem.

Consider this:

• A single gas-powered leaf blower- and more than 2.5 million of them will be sold this year alone- can emit as much pollution in a year as 80 cars, according to an article in U.S. News & World Report.

• Leaf blowers can push air up to 200 mph and fill the air with dust, fecal matter, pesticides, chemicals, fungi, spores, and fertilizer at about five pounds per hour per blower, according to a report by an Orange County grand jury. The dust takes about one hour to settle.

• More than 200 cities and towns in the United States have banned gas powered leaf blowers as a nuisance and public health hazard, according to an editorial in the Nashua (N.H.) Telegraph.

• U.S. retailers sold almost three million leaf blowers in 2006, according to an article in the Boston Globe.

It’s amazing how people put convenience ahead of comfort. Any reasonable thinking person must understand that leaf blowers are dirty, noisy, expensive, and impractical. There are also several studies that show that raking is actually more efficient and faster than using a leaf blower. It also gives people exercise.

Yet per usual – technology – or rather the promise of technology – wins out. Baby boomers and Gen Xers love short cuts, especially when the short cut includes an electronic device. Why do you think we have 40-year-old fathers prowling playgrounds wearing their mobile devices in holsters like they were six shooters?

Gas powered leaf blowers are a bad idea. They should be banned and if a ban isn’t feasible, there should be strict restrictions on the hours in the day when they can be operated. As a society, we don’t put much emphasis on decreasing noise pollution. But noise pollution can have serious health effects.

According to Wikipedia, noise health effects are the heath consequences of elevated sound levels. Over exposure to elevated noise levels can cause hearing loss, hypertension, heart disease, annoyance, and sleep disturbance. Elevated noise levels can also create stress, increase accidents at work and at home, stimulate aggression and other anti-social behavior.

Put away the leaf blower and buy a rake.

The Danger of Bottled Water

We All Die

Mystical, Magical Autumn

Labels: Essay, Leaf Blowers, Noise Pollution, Work Ethic

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U2 - October

Released in 1981, October is routinely dismissed by critics and fans as the worst early album by the Irish quartet. Bono has called October a “difficult second album.” It should have been because the subject matter is bold for a pop rock band: god and spirituality. It was the perfect preface for what was the band’s break-out album – the stunning War. But to dismiss October is foolish. The album is a wonderfully complex, atmospheric mediation. Highlights include:

• The gritty, drum-heavy “I Threw A Brick Through A Window” that sounds like it was recorded in a basement

• The wailing lament of English occupation of Northern Ireland in “Stranger in a Strange Land” (just listen to the emotional anguish of Bono’s voice).

• The piano ballad about the death of Bono’s mother “October” feels like a modern church hymn.

R.E.M. – Fables of the Reconstruction

After three successful albums, R.E.M. made some major changes for its generally overlooked fourth album recorded in 1985. The band switched to a producer known for working with English folk bands and left the United States to record in London. The result is moody, sinister reflections about the myths of Southern culture and folk music. If William Faulkner was a musician – he may have recorded Fables of the Reconstruction. The album contains many of the bands best music including:

• The portentous “Driver 8,” which was supposed to be the albums big rock number – yet it feels dangerous and secretive. The song is about the landscape around train tracks.

• “Feeling Gravity’s Pull” opens the album and announces that this won’t be an album filled with jangling guitars. It’s about falling asleep while reading and it signals the bands mysterious direction on Fables.

• The wonderful song “Kohoutek” (which is a comet), but the song is really about (and trust me it gets dangerous trying to interpret R.E.M.) lost friendship.

Pearl Jam – Vitalogy

This 1994 album (and the third) for Pearl Jam was a departure from its Seattle roots rock anthem sound that drove its first two efforts. Vitalogy is more experimental and can feel a bit adrift for fans that were used to the first albums. But Vitalogy shows the band maturing and taking chances – as well as experimenting with different sounds. While it was a critical and commercial success – Vitalogy isn’t often held up as one of the band’s best – but it is. Take these gems for example:

• “Corduroy” is a strange little number that starts with a cool guitar riff and then just builds. It’s a huge concert favorite and despite never being released as a single reached 13 on the Billboard charts.

• “Not for You” is one of our favorite Pearl Jam songs. It’s just got riff – and is very, very cool.

• “Better Man” is a song lead singer Eddie Vedder wrote in high school. It’s a straight on rock ballad about abusive relationships – done right.

Talking Heads – More Songs About Buildings and Food

Could there be a worse name for an album in existence? Perhaps, the poor name is responsible for why this album doesn’t get much attention from critics and fans – other than the fabulous cover of Al Green’s “Take Me to the River.” But despite the lack of commercial success for More Songs, it perfectly captures the eclectic nature of Talking Heads – a mix of reggae, pop, country, and punk rock. Highlights include:

• “Warning Signs” is a bouncy number that hard not to enjoy. It’s infused with that edgy Talking Heads energy.

• “Found a Job” is a cynical little jab at corporate workers and makes you want to dance like a robot.

• Call us crazy, but “Take Me to the River” is one of the best cover songs of all time.

Led Zeppelin – In Through the Out Door

In 1979, Led Zeppelin released its last studio album before the death of drummer John Bonham. In Through the Out Door was disliked by both Bonham

and guitarist Jimmy Page, who thought the album was weak. It also received mixed reviews from critics (although the fans ate it up). It’s generally considered the forgotten album by the band. But that’s a mistake. In Through the Out Door, quite frankly, rocks. It’s a tighter package than the band’s earlier blues infused tunes. Highlights include:

• The seminal rocker “In the Evening” which begins with an eerie, creepy introduction that was going to be used for a film called “Lucifer Rising.”

• “All of My Love” is a song written by lead singer Robert Plant about the death of his 5-year-old son. One of the only Zeppelin songs that Page wasn’t involved in writing.

• “Fool in the Rain” is the last song by the band to reach the pop charts. It has a soulful, playful sound.

The Doors – Soft Parade

Generally considered the worst studio album by the Doors, Soft Parade actually is very good. The band experimented with added strings to its music with mixed results, but there are several songs on the album that stand out among the best the band ever recorded. Some of the best material on Soft Parade is:

• “Touch Me” is a rollicking good pop song that has become one of the band’s most popular hits.

• “Wild Child” is a hard hitting rock number with a heavy bass line and some fine organ work.

• “Shaman’s Blues” is one of the forgotten Doors’ anthems, but it holds up quite well.

Aerosmith – Draw the Line

Draw the Line was a commercial success in 1977, but hasn’t lived up beyond the 1970s and even the band has been critical of the LP. It was recorded in an abandoned convent in New York – and the band was heavily into

drugs during most the sessions. Yet there’s a raw tension going through Draw the Line that’s difficult to ignore – and it features some of the band’s better songs. Highlights include:

• “Draw the Line” is an explosive guitar rocker that features driving guitars and some vocal free play by lead singer Steve Tyler. Lots of great screaming.

• Long and mournful “Kings and Queens” is an underrated gem by the band.

• The jamming “Milk Cow Blues” which the band rolled out for an unplugged performance on MTV. Awesome harmonica.

The Cure – Pornography

When Pornography was released in 1982, it shocked critics and was generally polarizing for fans. To say Pornography is dark isn’t giving credit to darkness. Yet it was th

is album where the band really found its sound for the foot gazing anthems that made it famous in the 1980s. Highlight (or low lights) include:

• “The Hanging Garden” features lyrics about waiting for animals to die. It’s brilliant stuff.

• The very depressing “Pornography” opens with a police siren and somebody definitely cried during the making of this song.

• “The Hanging Garden” is a Cure staple (also known as “A Single”) and it rocks in a depressing kind of way.

Musical Memory: U2

12 Great but Lesser Known Songs by R.E.M.

Labels: Aerosmith, Doors, Led Zeppelin, Music, Music Review, Pearl Jam, R.E.M., Rock, Talking Heads, The Cure, U2

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Foppish Tales of Overindulgence and
Literary Snobbery

Literary Pantie Sniffing

I smell the pages of new books. The intoxicating perfume of fresh pulp makes me light headed. I’m a literary panty-sniffer. I skulk between the stacks at bookstores, crack open the pages of new book, and stick my snout right into the spine to snort like a sow in heat.

Snark! Snark! Ahhhh…

It’s unbecoming, I know. So I hide this behavior – who wouldn’t? I find lonely nooks in the bookstore and carefully scout the vicinity to make sure I’m not being watched (damn those security cameras!). Then when I’m sure I’m alone, my nose takes the plunge.

Snark! Snark! Ahhhh…

Do the pantie-sniffing perverts operate this way in Victoria’s Secret? Do they seek out dark areas in the aisles so they can stick g-strings and thongs up their nostrils?

Oh, the humanity!

On Ignoring Updike

I’ve scorned John Updike. I’ve never finished one of his novels – nor have I read any of his articles, short stories, or grocery lists. I started reading “The Witches of Eastwick” and “Rabbit, Run.” Both books bored me to tears within the first few pages.

I confess to being mystified and slightly irritated by Updike and his success. He’s one of poster children for the intellectual New York set (you know the type – insufferably liberal New Yorker readers who listen to chamber music). They adore Updike almost as much as Philip Roth (who I have read and enjoyed).

I’m no expert on Updike’s writing (how could I be?). But from what I’ve read, Updike’s writing seems too crafted – too unnatural. It reads like it was written and then rewritten and then edited.

That said I will always give the little literary bitch credit for calling Fenway Park a “lyric little bandbox of a ballpark.”

That’s just perfect.

Stolen Moments of Delight

I get around. I read about 50 books a year – but I buy about three times that number. My unread stack is enormous: A skyscraper built with low quality concrete. If it topples, it will crush my neighbor’s house.

I could stop buying new books right now and have enough reading material for the next five years (especially if I break into the books that have been packed into boxes and now reside in the bleakness of my basement – poor darlings).

My addiction drives my wife crazy. When I come home with a new book – I get the look. If only she knew the truth – that I hide most of my purchases. When I go to a bookstore (snorting away in my private moments) and make a flurry of purchases, the items rarely make it out of my car trunk.

I’ll wait for the coast to be clear before smuggling them inside.

I’m a sad, sad man.

Soft, Not Hard

I prefer not to read hardcover books – and I rarely buy them. But I’m not a fan of paperbacks either. I prefer the oversized, trade paperbacks.

I love them.

They smell divine and they’re easy to handle while reading in bed.

Rrrrrr.

Playing Favorites

I don’t play favorites either. One question that stumps me always is: Who is your favorite author. Why not ask me if I love my mother or father best? Or which one of my children is better?

Book Man-Whores love many authors. Dearly! Passionately!

But I do have a stable of writers I return to often: Tobias Wolff, Pete Dexter, Tim O’Brien, Michael Connolly, Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and Charles Dickens.

I Own You

I don’t like to share my books. Why should I? But even worse, I need to own them – dominate them completely. That’s why libraries are useless to me. Borrowing books feels sleazy and dishonest (have you seen those hideously unfriendly librarians in action?).

And have you smelled a library book?

Yuck!

But part of me wishes I could sink the level of “borrowing.” Think of the money I’d save (and the storage space I’d get back). Ownership – possession – is part of the addiction to me.

"On the Road" Turns 50

Why we recommend avoiding "Darkly Dreaming Dexter"

How books are really time machines

Labels: books, Essay, John Updike, literature

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There are lots of grimy fingernails and blackened teeth in “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End.” Unfortunately, the blatant lack of hygiene may be the best part of this hopelessly terrible movie – which has no point, no plot, and will make you despise pirates for the rest of your natural born life.

The first “Pirates of the Caribbean” (2003) movie revived the concept of the pirate movie – mostly because of the inspired performance of Johnny Depp as the foppish pirate captain Jack Sparrow. The film – based on the Disney amusement park ride – was a mediocre affair, but Depp played Sparrow with such delight that the movie became a hit.

While flawed, the first “Pirates” movie at least had wit and energy and nice mix of acting and special effects. This mix was abandoned with without prejudice for the next two. Nothing can kill a movie faster than an overproduced sequel – except maybe two overproduced sequels.

The success of the first film led hyper-active producer Jerry Bruckheimer (who should also be punished for giving us the “Bad Boys” and “National Treasure” franchises) to make two more pirate movies. They were filmed at the same time – the dreadful “Dead Man’s Chest” (2006) and then “At World’s End” (2007).

Let us pray to every pagan god imaginable that there will not be a fourth.

“At World’s End” is so overloaded with special effects, action sequences, and a booming, steroid-laden musical score that the only outcome for viewers is a headache.

The movie is simply a mess. There’s some kind of plot about the pirates banding together to fight a corrupt English Baron who has taken control of the ghost ship, The Flying Dutchman, run by Captain Davy Jones. The pirates have to save Depp from Davy Jones’ locker (the plot of “Dead Man’s Chest”) because he’s a member of the pirate lords or some nonsense like that.

They rescue Depp from a desert (no really) and then all get together to fight the bad guys (although they’re pirates – so, in fact, they are the bad guys – so maybe they fight the good guys). But it’s difficult to keep track of all the alliances – who is good, who is bad, who is cursed, and, quite frankly, who is on what pirate ship. And in the end, it really doesn’t matter. If the producers, writers, and director don’t care: Why should you?

What’s most disappointing is Depp – who seems to be mailing in his Jack Sparrow performance from a hidden location. The edge is gone. The fun is gone. Admittedly, he doesn’t have much material to work with, but the performance seems strained – as if Depp realizes that enough is enough all ready.

Lost among the clutter are Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom – the star-crossed lovers. Knightley, now a full blown pirate captain in her own right, and Bloom have one of the most ridiculous scenes in the movie. As they battle the bad guys (we think they were bad guys – or they might have been good guys who became bad guys – whatever), they decide to get married – while fighting.

Their swords dance and between kills they embrace, kiss, and hug, as Captain Barbossa (played by Geoffrey Rush) performs the ceremony – also while engaged in battle. The scene is tedious beyond measure and makes you want to remove a shoe and throw it at the screen.

But that’s how the action sequences work in “At World’s End.” They are so cartoonish and unrealistic that they all become pointless. And they’re non-stop – so one starts before another ends.

In the end – you hope the world will end. Or at least this franchise.

It’s like a bad amusement park ride.

Hmmmm!

Read why "3:10 to Yuma" makes us want to take a bullet in the head

The 5 Best and the 5 Worst Superhero Movies

Labels: Bad-Cinema, Movie Review, Pirates of the Caribbean

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An Interview with First-Time Novelist A.W. Gryphon

(Is there anything more delightful than discovering a new writer? As a book junkie, DaRK PaRTY sometimes gets giddy, rubs our hands together, and makes a noise like “Hoo Hoo Ha Ha” when that happens. A.W. Gryphon is a young novelist (and screen writer) on the verge of publishing her first book: Blood Moon. In the tradition of Kim Harrison, A.W. is a creating a new world – one populated by witches and those who hunt them. The book is coming out on April 28 -- a product of James A. Rock & Company Publishers. Blood Moon promises to be the first of a trilogy about witches. A.W. was kind enough to answer our questions about her passion for writing, her experiences as a first time novelist, and why she really enjoys witches.)

DaRK PaRTY: "Blood Moon" is your first novel. How long did it take to write and where did the spark of the idea originate?

A.W.: I’d been thinking about writing a murder mystery or a thriller that revolved around a witch for years before I decided to actually do it. Different ideas would come and go, then finally one day I knew what I wanted to do and I dove in.

I spent almost a year making notes, traveling and spending time thinking about the characters before I started writing. Once I began that process, I had the first draft in around seven or eight months if I remember correctly.

DP: Can you give DaRK PaRTY readers a synopsis of the book and main characters?

A.W.: Blood Moon is the story of Amelia Pivens Kreutzer, a young woman who is thought to be the world's most powerful witch by birth, but after her mother meets an untimely death during a scared ceremony, Amelia is no longer interested in having anything to do with The Craft… until she’s forced to.

She has been sought after for lifetime and anticipated for thousands of years. Now alone, years after turning her back on witchcraft, Amelia must realize that the clock is ticking and the hunt has begun. She must embrace who she is and sort out the mystery of the people who are after her just to stay alive.

The blurb on the back of the book is a bit of a tease, but at the same time, I think is says all that I want to give away to the reader.

An ancient line of witches…

An undying love…

A coming revolution…

One woman in the center of it all…

London, England. Mysterious. Beautiful. Full of legends and lore. It is home and a safe place for Amelia Pivens Kreutzer. For an ancient society of witch hunters, and practitioners, it is an easy place to go unnoticed. And for Scotland Yard’s Denny Carlisle, on All Hallows Eve, when the Full Blood Moon reaches its highest point in the sky, it will become a city of awe and mayhem as the most powerful witch in modern history rises to avenge her lost love and end the ancient war among the witches and those who hunt them forever.

Blood Moon is a story about passion, justice, fear and all of the unknowns that are right in front of us. Amelia is an intelligent and beautiful woman with a tragic past who uses her passion to kick a little ass and do the right thing. It was fun to put together and I hope that all of the Dark Party readers have just as much fun reading it as I had writing it.

DP: Where do your fascination with witches and the supernatural come from?

A.W.: I’ve been fascinated with ghosts, vampires, witches and mermaids for as long as I can remember. I'm not exactly sure what drew me to witches above all else. I've always gravitated toward little talked about and seemingly misunderstood subject matter, as well as powerful and independent female figures and lore based in historical facts.

I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area in the 1970s with a very liberal and fiercely independent mother. During that time I was fortunate enough to be exposed to many subcultures, witches in their various practices included. I'm sure that has a lot to do with it… that, and at the time, I had quite an admiration for Stevie Nicks, who was rumored to be a white witch herself.

Over the years I’ve found myself picking up books on the history of Witchcraft, Pagan practice and the beginnings of Wicca, always wanting to know more. With all of that being said, I hope I’ve answered your question. It’s simply a subject I can't seem to get enough of.

DP: You're also a screen writer with a film called "La Cucina" that took "Best Picture" at the Beloit International Film Festival and at Backlot Film Festival in LA. How does screen writing and novel writing differ for you?

A.W.: At the beginning a story is a story and there is not a big difference in writing a novel and a screenplay. The core of the work, the character development and the research is all basically the same process.

Once you get going on putting it down on paper it differs quite a bit. A book can be as long or as short as you’d like it to be and a screenplay calls for a very specific page count and a somewhat formulaic structure within that page count. You also have the luxury of being able to delve into all the senses and explore what a character feels, or what they're thinking, or how something smells, etc. in a novel. There are a lot of internal elements that you can work with on the page, that don’t much matter or translate to a screenplay format.

In addition, with a novel, the writer deals with the editor and that's basically it. In writing a screenplay there is the director, the cast, the producers and frequently other writers. Budgetary and scheduling matters must also be taken into consideration during the writing process. There are a lot more cooks in the kitchen and many more considerations to be taken into account in a screenplay. In “La Cucina,” for example, our leading man is Portuguese. He loved the dialogue, but it all didn't flow naturally for him so we made adjustments.

Overall, movie making is a team sport, where in writing a novel, you are really on your own. They are very different monsters to tackle and I love both of them.

DP: As a first time novelist, what were the biggest challenges of getting your book noticed and then published?

The biggest challenge was getting someone to look at the material. Most publishers won't look at your material without you having a literary agent and most literary agents won't take your call unless you have a published book. People don’t like taking chances on new writers. I’m very grateful to have found a publisher who is open and interested in the up and comers.

The second biggest challenge has been, and still is, my background in the film industry. There are absolutely people in the book world who have made it clear to me that screenwriters are not welcome and have no business writing a novel. To be fair, there are those who could care less, and those who embrace it, but so far they are few and far between. And when someone doesn't care for me or the novel it’s almost inevitable that the fact that I’ve made a living in the movie business is thrown out there as some sort of validation as to why the story isn’t to their liking. It’s all a bit insane and surreal.

That being said, at the end of the day, it’s worked out well. I’m with a publisher who adores the story and there is a very receptive community of readers who are looking forward to it, and I love it, and that’s all that really matters.

Labels: 5 Questions, A.W. Gryphon, books, interview, Writing

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Jimmy: I mean I ain’t sayin’ it, but I’m sayin’ it. Okay? If I was a chick I might be into Brady. Ya know? I mean not ‘cause he’s the greatest quarterback in history either. That’s all I’m sayin’.

Billy: But ya said it.

Jimmy: What?

Murphy: Jesus Christ.

Billy: You’re a faggot.

Jimmy: That’s not what I’m saying, dickhead. He’s got it, ya know? That thing. That charisma. Reminds me of the guy in that movie – that Mr. Darby.

Billy: Who?

Jimmy: Ya know, that movie by Jane Dallas.

Murphy: Jane Austen. And she’s a novelist. And it’s Mr. Darcy.

Jimmy: Yeah, that’s what I said. She did that movie with Keira Knightley.

Billy: Is that the hot English broad with no tits?

Jimmy: That’s the one. “Bend it Like Beckham.”

Billy: Nice ass though. Damn shame about the mosquito bites.

Frankie: My wife reads Jane Austen.

Billy: Jane who?

Murphy: You deaf? Jane Austen. She was a 19^th century British novelist. She wrote romances like “Pride and Prejudice” and “Emma.”

Frankie: She makes women cry; made my wife cry anyways.

Billy: The Yankees in first place make me cry.

Frankie: I can’t figure it out. Her crying, I mean. “It’s about gentlemen,” she told me. “And honor and dignity.” (sighs) Then she gets all misty.

Jimmy: Sheila’s into those books, too. “Sense and Sensible.”

Murphy: “Sense and Sensibility.”

Jimmy: Yeah, that’s what I said. When she finished it she just looked at me for a long time. I’m like “what? What the fuck did I do?”

Billy: You probably farted.

Murphy: Women love Austen because she saves them.

Frankie: What’d ya mean, Murph?

Murphy: She puts society women of the period into uncertainty and close to financial ruin and then she creates honorable men to rescue them through true love. Women like the idea of romance being a recipe for good. And quite frankly what man wouldn’t want to emulate George Knightley in “Emma?”

Billy: I thought it was Keira Knightley?

Jimmy: Shut your pie hole, moron. George Knightley is her old man.

Frankie: (nodding) I think I get it. Women want to be rescued.

Murphy: They want to be romanced, Frankie. They want to be loved.

Billy: That’s bullshit.

Jimmy: No, it’s true. It’s kinda like how, ya know, to us Beckett swooped in and rescued the Sox in the play-offs last year. He was like our knight in shining armor. Our big, old stallion.

Billy: You really are an idiot.

Frankie: Ya know, I… I haven’t told Marie how much I love her in a long time.

Murphy: It’s early, Frankie. Why don’t you go home?

Frankie: Yeah, yeah. I think I’m gonna do that. Thanks, Murph.

Billy: What the hell is going on?

Jimmy: (standing) Wait up, Frankie. I’m leavin’, too. I’ve got some things to talk to Sheila about. Keira Knightley kind of things. Night fellas.

(Both Frankie and Jimmy depart.)

Murphy: You want another Billy?

Billy: What the hell just happened? I feel like I got gay all over me.

Murphy: (putting a pint on the bar) Have you ever read “Hamlet?”

Billy: Yeah, sure, by Shakesbeard.

Murphy: Shakespeare.

Billy: Yeah, whatever. Can we please go back to talkin’ about Brady?

Gerry Ludwig has a Mental Breakdown in the Express Lane of Stop & Shop

Distraught and Struggling with his Sexuality 17-year-old Cory Dennison Obsesses Over Will Ferrell

Labels: Humor, Jane Austen, literature, Parody

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The U.S. Should Stop Turning a
Blind Eye to Social Class

“It is impossible to understand people's behavior... without the concept of social stratification, because class position has a pervasive influence on almost everything... the clothes we wear... the television shows we watch... the colors we paint our homes in and the names we give our pets... Our position in the social hierarchy affects our health, happiness, and even how long we will live. ”

—William Thompson, Joseph Hickey, Society in Focus, 2005

Calling what’s happening – and has been happening – in the United States a “caste system” may be stretching it.

Officially, a caste system like the one in India is based on the Hindu religion. It is a system for dividing people into social class units. In India today there are four main classes: Brahmanas (scholars and priests), Kshastriyas (soldier warriors), Vaishyas (merchants and artisans), and Shudras (workers).

But there is little doubt the United States has split itself into at least four distinctive social classes since the end of World War II. Each decade sees these classes strengthened – and migration out of them made even more arduous.

The U.S. doesn’t stress family and history as much as India and other cultures, as we’re more focused on wealth and influence. Here’s how DaRK PaRTY identifies the four unofficial castes in the U.S.

Royal Line (Elite): This is the class of leisure wealth and all-star status. It’s where our CEOs, professional athletes, Hollywood actors, mainstream musicians, congressmen and senators reside. These are the people the rest of us write about, read about, watch on TV, and emulate in fashion and culture.

MacWealthy (Privileged): This is the class of well-educated professionals. These are where the lawyers, doctors, scientists, technologists, and consultants come from. These are the high-level business people who live in the MacMansions in our teaming suburbs.

White Fence (Middle): The unique thing about the United States is our ability to delude ourselves. This is the class where the workers reside and all of them think they are in the middle class – no matter what they’re income level. This is where janitors, clerical workers, fire fighters, construction workers, craftsmen, retail salespeople, waitresses, line cooks, and garbage men fall.

Forgotten (Poor): The unemployed, drop-outs, illegal immigrants, and those who live below and around the poverty line reside here.

Other economists and sociologists divide U.S. social classes into at least two divisions and as many of 12. But no matter how you make the split, the dividing line between the privileged and the middle has gotten wide and deep.

Not convinced that the U.S. does, in fact, support a vibrant class system? The evidence is hard to ignore.

Here are the average household incomes for our classes: Royalty ($250,000 plus); MacWealthy ($77,500 to $250,000); White Fences ($30,000 to $77,500); and the Forgotten ($0 to $22,500).

Education obviously plays into the structure of the U.S. caste (with the exception of the Royal Line due to the influx of pro athletes, rock musicians, and actors). But the MacWealthy generally have at least a four-year degree from college while the White Fences are mostly high school graduates and above. The Forgotten generally don’t even have high school degrees.

The caste system in the U.S. is enabled by a public education system that is broken. On time graduation rates in U.S. cities is abysmal. In Indianapolis only 31 percent of the high school students graduate after four years, in Detroit it is 25 percent. The numbers are so bad in most urban school systems that the U.S. Secretary of Education recently announced a mandatory federal standard – for calculating drop-out rates.

More evidence: poverty is increasing in the U.S. even as our taste for luxury grows. According to TIME Magazine, in 2008, the U.S. government projects that 28 million people will require food stamps (the most since the mid-1960s). In Michigan this year, one out of every eight people will be using food stamps.

Yet the taste for gourmet food in the U.S. has skyrocketed. Gourmet food sales increased 17 percent in the last two years. So if you need a liter of olive oil for $182 or a small bottle of balsamic vinegar for $145 – you can buy it at places like Gourmet Garage.

“In a world where people pay $4 a day for a Starbucks coffee, an expensive butter doesn’t seem that extravagant,” Andy Aron, CEO of Gourmet Garage, told TIME Magazine.

We’re living in an era when it’s common to see beggars lining up at stop lights with signs asking for change and where luxury hotels have added positions with names like Pet Concierge, Soap Steward, Running Companion and Fireplace Butler (patrons can choose different scented woods from a menu).

But perhaps our greatest problem with class in the U.S. is our inability to admit it exists and our refusal to talk about it. So how are we going to be able to fix it if we refuse to acknowledge that there’s a major difference beyond just salary among CEOs making upwards of $100 million in compensation each year and line cooks at MacDonald’s toiling away for $7 an hour?

The Royalty and MacWealthy get better healthcare, better education, access to power brokers, treated better by police and government agencies, more financial incentives from banks and lenders, and, of course, better tickets to sporting events. They even get better tax breaks and get to sit on the sidelines during warfare.

The U.S. is a land of opportunity – for some. It’s a struggle for many others. It’s time to admit it.

Read our recommendations on fixing public education in the U.S.

Read about why we mow our own lawn

Labels: Education, Essay, Politics, Social Class

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7 Fight Scenes That Flow Like Poetry

Most sensible people abhor violence in real life. Yet movie violence – when choreographed correctly – can be an adrenaline surging, awe-inspiring moment in a film. These brutal moments – murders, shootings, and maiming – can become poetic and make us ponder the magnetic attraction of violence.

These are the cinematic moments when the stark realities of how fragile – how mortal we all are – come to fruition. Yet at the same time a well plotted fight scene can fill us with life. They can remind us of the poetry of motion – and the elegance of quick brutality.

Besides, good fight scenes kick ass.

Here are 7 fight scenes that DaRK PaRTY thinks fits into the category of Elegant Violence.

The Last of the Mohicans (1992)

Director: Michael Mann

Starring: Daniel Day-Lewis, Madeleine Stowe, Russell Means, Eric Schweig and Wes Studi

Plot Synopsis: Three frontier men – two Indians and a white man raised by Indians – protect two British sisters from the French during the French and Indian War in New York State. Based on the novel by James Fenimore Cooper.

Set-up: The last battle scene is a powerful – and poetic – piece of violent filmmaking. The emotion is palpable as Chingachgook rashly runs after a rogue band of Mohawks that have kidnapped Alice, the woman he loves. His father, Uncas, and step-brother, Hawkeye, race after him. With glorious bagpipe music in the background, Chingachgook battles through the Mohawks until he is left with the leader, Magua. During the fight and Chingachgook is stabbed badly. He looks across at Alice and both of them know all is lost. The passion – and the sadness – ripples off the screen. Chingachgook fights on bravely, but ends being slain and tossed off a cliff to his death. Rather than remain with her captors, Alice jumps to her death after him. If you’re not crying at this point – you need a heart transplant.

The Poetic Moment: Uncas, filled with grief, charges into the scene as Hawkeye protect him with musket shots. Uncas runs up to the confident and cold Magua who turns to face him with knife and tomahawk waiting. Uncas dives into a forward roll, comes up in full attack, and quickly, skillfully, and rams his war club into Magua’s back. Magua tries to recover and turn, but Uncas snaps his arm with another brutal blow. A third breaks his ribs and a fourth caves in Magua’s shoulder. The disbelief fills Magua’s face as Uncas stares at him and then – after a long pause – Uncas kills him (see video below).

One Word Descriptor: Passion

The Matrix (1999)

Director: Andy and Larry Wachowski

Starring: Keanu Reeves, Laurence Fishburne, Carrie-Anne Moss, Hugo Weaving, Joe Pantoliano

Plot Synopsis: A computer hacker joins a group of rebels to discover that his world is a prison. The “real” world has been taken over by machines and a small group of survivors are working to free the others from slavery.

Set-up: The Matrix is dedicated to the concept of elegant violence -- so there are many scenes that fit the bill. But nothing quite hits the mark like the fight between Trinity and a group of police officers that opens the film.

The Poetic Moment: Armed police officers invade an abandoned tenement and surround a leather-clad woman at a computer console. Flashlights bob against her back and Trinity lifts her arms. Meanwhile outside, three agents wearing sunglass show up and chastise the lieutenant for not waiting for them. With a smirk, the lieutenant says he doubts a woman will give his two teams much of a problem. “Lieutenant,” Agent Smith says, “you’re men are already dead.” The scene shifts back into the tenement and Trinity kicks into a slow-motion hyper drive. It’s a maelstrom of violence as Trinity single-handedly disarms and kills the police officers with gravity defying martial arts move. When the dust settles, the viewer realizes he’s entered into a new realm poetic violence.

One Word Descriptor: Whoa!

Brotherhood of the Wolf (2001)

Director: Christophe Gans

Starring: Samuel Le Bihan, Vincent Cassel, Monica Bellucci and Mark Dacascos

Plot Synopsis: In 18^th century France, a naturalist Chevalier de Fronsac and his Native American friend, Mani, investigate a series of murders that may or may not be the work of a werewolf. The pair stumbles upon an underground cult of rebels who want to overthrow the king. The cult members use a lion clad in primitive armor as their tool of destruction. They kill Mani and the naturalist seeks his revenge on them.

Set-up: Chevalier penetrates the underground lair of the cult wearing Indian make-up and armed with two short swords.

The Poetic Moment: Enraged by the murder of his friend, Chevalier systematically makes his way through the cult’s lair and kills everyone who gets in his way. The violence is quick and ferocious – but as practiced and skilled. As viewers, we begin to realize that Chevalier may be deadlier than the friend he is avenging. As he dispatches, cult member after cult member, the scene ends in with the confrontation with the twisted madman at the head of the cult.

One Word Descriptor: Vehement

Man on Fire (2004)

Director: Tony Scott

Starring: Denzel Washington, Dakota Fanning, Marc Anthony, Radha Mitchell, Christopher Walken, Mickey Rourke

Plot Synopsis: A burnt-out CIA assassin with a drinking problem named Creasy (played by Denzel Washington) ends up in Mexico City as a bodyguard to a rich Mexican and his American wife and child. He forms a reluctant bond with the little girl so when a group of gangsters kidnap her and leave him for dead – he hunts them down so he can rescue her.

Step-Up: Creasy hunts down one of the kidnappers and drives the man to a deserted cliff overlooking Mexico City. He duct tapes the man’s hands to the steering wheel with his fingers standing up and tells the kidnapper he’s going to cut off one finger at a time and then use the car lighter to stop the bleeding.

The Poetic Moment: The cat and mouse game between Creasy and the kidnapper is terrible to behold. It begins to dawn on the kidnapper and the movie viewer at the same time that Creasy isn’t just a tough guy – but a very, very bad man. The torture is tough to witness, but director adds elements of speeded up filming and grainy footage as a twanging guitar plucks in the background. It’s terribly violent – but it has a slickness that makes it difficult not to admire. Even at the end when Creasy puts a bullet in the man’s skull (see video above).

One Word Descriptor: Merciless

Bourne Ultimatum (2007)

Director: Paul Greengrass

Starring: Matt Damon, Julia Stiles, David Strathairn, Scott Glen, Albert Finney, Joan Allen

Plot Synopsis: Super spy with memory problems, Jason Bourne hunts down the clandestine intelligence agency within the U.S. government who turned him into a killing machine.

Set-up: Working with his former CIA handler, Nicky Parsons (Julia Stiles), Bourne ends up in Tangiers. A CIA hitman locates Nicky and chases her through the slums. She ends up in an abandoned building as the assassin closes in. Bourne finds her and rushes to protect.

The Poetic Moment: Using lightning fast edits, Director Paul Greengrass gives us Jason Bourne crashing through a window and into an immediate melee with the assassin. The fight is fast and furious. Bourne and the assassin go for the kill with each blow – using books, papers, towels, and anything they can get their bloody hands on for weapons. It ends with Bourne strangling his opponent to death.

One Word Descriptor: Furious

Open Range (2003)

Director: Kevin Costner

Starring: Kevin Costner, Robert Duvall, Annette Bening, Michael Gambon, Michael Jeter, Diego Luna

Plot Synopsis: A group of free range herders encounter a land-grabbing cattle boss who orders them off public lands. When they refuse, the cattle boss has his ruthless band of desperados attack them. Boss Spearman (Duvall) and Charley Waite (Costner) decide to take the law into their own hands and take revenge.

Set-up: It turns out that in his younger days Charley was a ruthless gunslinger. He warns Boss that the fight ahead of them will be fast and violent, but that he should follow his lead. The two of wait at the back of the stables for the group of desperados headed by the cattle boss stride down the main fairway of the small town of Harmonville.

The Poetic Moment: Charley and Boss face off against five desperados in the middle of the street. Its all dirt, mud, and fresh lumber. Charley quickly assesses that the gunslinger in the bowler cap is the most dangerous. Eying the gunslinger, he strides forward. The camera angle switches to an overhead shot through a dirty window as he mosey up closer. “You the one who killed our friend?” Charley asks. “That’s right,” the gunslinger says in scratching whisper. “I shot the boy, too. And I enjoyed it.” He gives his buddies a sidelong smile and Charley draws his pistol and fires a bullet into his forehead. The gunslinger drops into the mud. The scene is perfectly executed – and is so unexpected – so sudden and murderous – that viewers are caught off guard. It’s an amazing start to one of the best gunfights in any Western.

One Word Descriptor: Quick

True Romance (1993)

Director: Tony Scott

Starring: Christian Slater, Patricia Arquette, Michael Rapaport, Val Kilmer, Bronson Pinchot, Dennis Hopper, Gary Oldman, Brad Pitt, Tom Sizemore, Christopher Walken, Samuel L. Jackson

Plot Synopsis: A video store geek’s friends send him a hooker named Alabama (Arquette) on his birthday and he falls in love with her. In order to set her free, he decides to approach her pimp and letting her go from her contract. He ends up stealing the pimp’s cocaine and trying to sell it in Hollywood.

Set-up: Clarence (Christian Slater) goes to the pimp’s headquarters to work out a deal.

The Poetic Moment: House music playing in the background, Drexl appears to be amused by Clarence. He asked him to have some of the Chinese food on the table where he’s been eating (smacking his lips and licking his fingers). “No thanks,” Clarence says. He looks nervous, wound up. Drexl pushes away his food with a smile. “I think you’re too scared to eat,” he says. He points a lamp in Clarence’s face and Clarence is blinded. “We sitting here ready to negotiate and you’ve already given up your shit.” Drexl goes into an instant analysis of how Clarence screwed up by not eating – that if he sat down and ate, Drexl would think how tough he actually is. He starts playing with him – teasing him about how he hasn’t sat down or looked at the naked women on the screen. Clarence looks frightened all right and the viewer thinks: Oh, boy. But Drexl’s got it all wrong as he sits giggling. Clarence gives him a look. “I’m not eating because I’m not hungry,” he says. “I’m not scared of you, I just don’t like you.” He hands over an envelope. “We aren’t negotiating. I don’t like to barter.” Oops, the envelope is empty. Drexl attacks and Clarence starts to lose – badly. And then Clarence kills him. And his bodyguard. It’s explosive and quick and brutal. And we realize, we have no idea what Clarence is capable of.

One Word Descriptor: Twisting

Cowboy Up! Our 10 Favorite Westerns

The 8 Coolest Sci-Fi Flicks Ever

Labels: Fights, Movie Review, Movies, Violence

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George A. Romero discovered a universal truth: Zombies rock. What’s not to love? Shambling, animated corpses with a taste for living flesh? Desperate survivors with trigger happy fingers decapitating said zombies with rusty machetes or well-aimed head shots? Zombies piling up like chords of wood? And the screaming!

It’s like Christmas at the organ donor shop.

Romero’s original “Dawn of the Dead” made in 1978 is a lot of things: horrifying, taboo-shattering, gory, and disturbing. It’s also horror camp at its finest – skewering the mass consumer culture of the United States in our most shallow of decades: the 1970s.

Romero has a gleefully good time with his pack of survivors holed up in an indoor shopping mall. The slow-moving zombies that bang into the display cases or stumble up the escalators aren’t so far removed from normal everyday mall shoppers – at least according to Romero.

Why do the zombies congregate at the mall? “Some kind of instinct. Memory, of what they used to do. This was an important place in their lives,” one of the characters informs us.

Yeah, even dead we like buying stuff at the mall.

But one thing the Romero film is not? Scary.

That’s one reason why we’re also fans of the much maligned 2004 remake by director Zack Snyder. That’s a sacrilege in many quarters, but for pure fright – Snyder tops Romero. That’s the truth. Romero’s low-budget wonder is a classic – no doubt. It can be uncomfortable to watch, but there is more dark humor than actual chills. Romero focused his film on his wicked wit: satire instead of terror.

Snyder isn’t interested in delivering a sardonic message. He wants to scare you. And damn it if he doesn’t. His zombies – like the times we live in – are fast. There’s no shambling here – but straight out sprinting.

The gem of Snyder’s movie is the opening 10 minutes. It may be the most frightening sequence of any horror movie made over the last 20 years. It has a disjointed, sour flavor as if the orange juice you drink every morning has been spiked with cyanide.

Sarah Polley plays a nurse named Ana. She’s at the end of a difficult shift at the hospital. All she wants to do is go home. Traveling home over washed out streets in a bland suburban tract, she arrives home for “date night” with her husband. They make love in their messy, little bed in their messy, little house.

Then it all goes to hell.

The little girl next door wonders in and lo and behold the lower half of her face has been chewed off. She creeps into the bedroom and Ana’s husband jumps up concerned. But before he can react, she takes a bite of flesh out of his neck.

Ana locks the little girl out of the bedroom and then has a grueling life and death struggle as her husband dies and then reanimates as a zombie. It’s bone rattling violence and by the time Ana gets into her car – her neighborhood, her world is in chaos.

It’s absolutely chilling.

While the overall Snyder’s film doesn’t quite live up to the original (and the characters make some ridiculous decisions – especially at the end), Snyder delivers a zombie movie that belongs on the list of greatest undead flicks ever made – with Romero’s original and the superb “28 Days Later.”

The two movies follow the same premise – but are very different movies. That’s why you can enjoy them both: turn to Romero for the horrifying satire (you can often overlook the rather awkward acting) and then lean on Snyder for some in-your-face terror (and for using Johnny Cash's "Man Comes Around" as an opening number).

Either way -- it’s a great two for one.

Labels: Dawn of the Dead, Horror, Movie Review, Movies, Ode To

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Analysis: Stephen King is much maligned by the alleged guardians of literature. When the horror writer won the National Book Foundation’s annual award for “distinguished contribution” in 2003, the guardians got downright frothy.

“I've described King in the past as a writer of penny dreadfuls, but perhaps even that is too kind,” wrote Harold Bloom, the distinguished literary critic from Yale.

Ouch. Hard to dismiss Bloom, a brilliant literary scholar, but his comment is unfair. Obviously, no one is going to mistake King for D.H. Lawrence, but King has contributed a lot to the world of letters – especially in horror and supernatural fiction.

King’s talent lies in uncovering the dark underbelly of the ordinary. For example, on the surface his novels “Cujo” and “Christine” are stories about a rabid dog and a car geek obsessed with his wheels. But running below both tales – and rippling like a snake – are dark, supernatural currents.

King’s short story “Quitters, Inc.” falls into this family. In this gem of a story, King takes self-help into a nightmarish realm. The beauty of “Quitters, Inc.” is its scope – its damnation of our results driven culture. Who cares about the methodology! Look at the outcome!

Basically, he “mobs up” Weight Watchers. And what hand-wringing fun it is to watch Dick Morrison crack down under the authoritarian rule. How after his mild protests, Dick succumbs to the terrorism and torture. Why not? Once his wife gives her approval (even after being subjected to shock treatment), what’s not to like about quitting cigarettes and losing weight?

Here’s the scene right after Dick’s wife is tortured and he has to tell her why it happened:

“When he had finished he was silent a moment and then said, ‘I suppose you hate me. I wouldn’t blame you.’

He was looking at the floor, and she took his face in both hands and turned it to hers. ‘No,’ she said. ‘I don’t hate you.’

He looked at her in mute surprise.

‘It was worth it,’ she said. ‘God bless these people. They’ve let you out of a prison.’

What an indictment on the American way of life. King is skewering our first under any circumstances mentality – and with such wit.

There’s never a dull moment in King’s stories and “Quitters, Inc.” rips along at a fast pace. The best part of the story is that King lays it all out for the reader – gives us a long, hard look at the consequences and then we get to ride along with Dick and wonder where he’s going to end up.

The reader, in fact, becomes Dick Morrison. We feel his pain – his anguish and his fear. We’re even right there with him when he hands over the business card to another patsy who wants to quit smoking.

And that’s the fascination with “Quitters Inc.” We’re all in the rat race together and we’re all keeping score. So who amongst us didn’t feel smugly superior (despite the sudden jolt in the belly) to Jimmy McCanns when we learned his wife only had four fingers?

Isn’t that the real horror here?

Read our literary criticism of Guy de Maupassant

Read our picks for the five scariest Stephen King novels

Labels: Horror, literary criticism, literature, Stephen King

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