The Wicked Scary Horror Story Contest

Our Wicked Scary Horror Story Contest concluded on October 16. We received a whopping 50 plus in entries from all over the world. We announced our amazing winners on Halloween Week 2007. You can read the winning selections here:

First Place: Undead Zombie General -- "Cattle Mutilations" by Tiffany Biles

Second Place: Animated Corpse Colonel -- "By Your Side" by Shannon Fay

Third Place: Rotting Carcass Captain -- "Infection" by Michael Carr

DaRK PaRTY: Jack the Ripper has become a cultural icon and his name is synonymous with serial murder. Why do you think this case has endured for so long?

Stephen: It’s not easy to explain why some cases become celebrated and others don't. In general, however, those cases that remain unsolved tend to last longer in the public's imagination. In this case it was probably a mixture of that as well as it simply being the right case at the right time, in the right place. There's this romantic view of late-Victorian London, popularized in Sherlock Holmes novels, of foggy cobblestone streets, bumbling police bobbies and the "ingenious" criminal who outwitted them all and taunted them mercilessly by writing letters and dropping clues. The reality was quite a bit different, but there's always been a wide gap between the "popular" view of Jack the Ripper and the actual hard facts of the Whitechapel murders.

DP: It is generally accepted that Jack the Ripper killed five women in 1888 -- but there are at least a dozen other women who may have been victims. In your opinion, how many victims did Jack the Ripper murder and who were they?

Stephen: The five generally accepted victims are Nichols, Chapman, Stride, Eddowes and Kelly. Stride is sometimes considered not to be a Ripper victim by some researchers, while others tend to think Kelly was perhaps murdered by a copycat. Personally I tend to think that Nichols, Chapman, Eddowes and Kelly were more than likely murdered by the same man. I'm split 50/50 on Stride, and I'm also split about 50/50 with Tabram, who was killed three weeks before Nichols. So I'd have to say four murders definitely, and I leave open the possibility for as many as six.

DP: Let's talk about the letters. Three letters allegedly from Jack were sent to the London press at the time. There's been some disagreement among the experts if Jack actually wrote them. What is your opinion? Was Jack the Ripper putting pen to paper?

Stephen: I tend to think the Ripper didn't actually write any of the letters. There's strong evidence that the "Dear Boss" letter (from which the name "Jack the Ripper" arose) was actually penned by a journalist, and we have a half-dozen or more people who were actually prosecuted for hoaxing Ripper letters (interestingly enough, several of them were women). The phenomena of these "Ripper letters" seems to have been sparked initially by a press invention which then quickly snowballed into a sort of mass public hysteria, with something on the order of 600+ letters being sent to the press, police and even private citizens, purporting to be from the killer.

Some did it to be a nuisance, other's were likely quite deranged, but a surprisingly large percentage of people appear to have put pen to paper as a means of frightening or at least inconveniencing their enemies. One fourteen-year-old servant girl hoaxed several such letters and sent them to her master, threatening to murder him - apparently she wasn't too fond of her working conditions.

DP: There are many theories about who was really Jack the Ripper. Who do you think are the best suspects?

Stephen: Of the hundreds of suspects put forth, I don't believe the case against any of them to be particularly compelling. The problem is that the police at the time were looking for a lunatic - to them, literally someone foaming at the mouth.

DP: Do you think the mystery of Jack the Ripper will ever be solved? Why or why not?

Stephen: At the time there was very little understanding of the serial killer phenomenon. Today we know that many serial killers blend quite well into society - look at Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacy, or even the BTK Killer, Denis Rader. Neighbors and coworkers interviewed after the fact are often dumbfounded - "I never would have suspected him" is a commonly-heard phrase. If we assume Jack the Ripper was cut from the same cloth, then he probably arouse very little - if any - suspicion back in 1888, and may not ever have been brought to the attention of the press or police. If that's the case, then in all likelihood the Ripper's real name is lost to history.

Read our very first 5 Questions About feature here

Joan Jett

Real Name: Joan Marie Larkin

DOB: September 22, 1958

Hometown: Philadelphia

Resume: As a teenager, Jett founded the band the Runaways with Lita Ford. The Runaways opened for big acts like Cheap Trick, Van Halen and Tom Petty. The band broke up after 5 LPs when they couldn’t crack through in the U.S. Jett went solo for awhile before forming Joan Jett and the Blackhearts.

Best Album: Up Your Alley (1988)

Best Song: “I Love Rock n’ Roll” (1981)

Second Best Song: “I Wanna Be Your Dog” (1988)

Damn Neat Fact: She ran away from home at age 15 after she discovered her boyfriend was sleeping with her mother.

Damn Neat Fact #2: Jett claims Siouxsie Sioux as an inspiration.

Coolest Moment: Have you seen her performing Gary Glitter’s “Do you Wanna Touch Me?”

Ann & Nancy Wilson

Real Name: same

DOB: Ann – June 19, 1950; Nancy – March 16, 1954

Hometown: Ann – San Diego; Nancy – San Francisco

Resume: Formed the band Heart with Steve Fossen and brothers Roger and Mike Fisher.

Best Album: Dreamboat Annie (1976)

Best Song: “Magic Man” (1976)

Second Best Song: “Barracuda” (1977)

Damn Neat Fact: After Heart’s debut album was released rumors circulated that Ann and Nancy were witches and the song “Magic Man” was about Satan seducing a baby.

Damn Neat Fact #2: A second rumor in 1977 had the sisters as lesbian lovers. Ann was so pissed off about the rumor that she wrote the lyrics to “Barracuda” about it.

Coolest Moment: Ann and Nancy dated the Fisher brothers during Heart’s heyday, but eventually fired them both from the band.

Shirley Manson

Real Name: Shirley Ann Manson

DOB: August 26, 1966

Hometown: Edinburgh, Scotland

Resume: She was the lead singer of Angelfish and then was recruited to become the lead singer and front person for Garbage.

Best Album: Version 2.0 (1998)

Best Song: “Push It” (1998)

Second Best Song: “Vow” (1995)

Damn Neat Fact: Her father was a scientist who was involved in cloning the first animal – a sheep named Dolly.

Damn Neat Fact #2: She was bullied as a child for having red hair and green eyes and used to cut herself as a result.

Coolest Moment: The video “Push It.”

Deborah Harry

Real Name: Deborah Ann Harry

DOB: July 1, 1945

Hometown: Miami

Resume: Lead singer of the alternative band Blondie.

Best Album: Parallel Lines (1978)

Best Song: “One Way or Another” (1978)

Second Best Song: “Rip Her to Shreds” (1976)

Damn Neat Fact: Harry was a Playboy bunny.

Damn Neat Fact #2: She starred in David Cronenberg’s bizarre 1983 cult movie “Videodrome.”

Coolest Moment: Becoming a punk icon in the 1970s.

Kim Deal

Real Name: Kimberly Ann Deal

DOB: June 10, 1961

Hometown: Dayton, Ohio

Resume: Bass player for the alt-rock band the Pixies and lead singer and guitarist for The Breeders.

Best Album: Doolittle by the Pixies (1989)

Best Song: “Cannonball” with the Breeders (1993)

Second Best Song: Debaser with the Pixies (1989)

Damn Neat Fact: Deal became the bass player for the Pixies after answering a newspaper add. She took on the stage name of Mrs. John Murphy.

Damn Neat Fact #2: She founded the Breeders with her twin sister Kelley.

Coolest Moment: One upping Pixies frontman Black Francis by releasing the Breeder’s album “Last Splash” and showing the world who the real talent on the Pixie’s was and remains.

Chrissie Hynde

Real Name: Christine Ellen Hynde

DOB: September 7, 1951

Hometown: Akron, Ohio

Resume: Lead singer and front person for the band The Pretenders.

Best Album: Learning to Crawl (1984)

Best Song: “Middle of the Road” (1984)

Second Best Song: “My City Was Gone” (1984)

Damn Neat Fact: She had a daughter with Ray Davies of the Kinks, but ended up marrying Jim Kerr of the Simple Minds.

Damn Neat Fact #2: Drunk and feeling horny, she groped Kim Deal after mistaking her as a man.

Coolest Moment: Allowing Rush Limbaugh to use her song “My City Was Gone” for his intro when he agreed to donate money to PETA. How’s that for irony?

Nico

Real Name: Christa Paffgen

DOB: October 16, 1938 (died July 18, 1988)

Hometown: Cologne, Germany

Resume: Singer for The Velvet Underground, but also a model and actress (and friend of Andy Warhol)

Best Album: The Velvet Underground and Nico (1967)

Best Song: “Sunday Morning” (1967)

Second Best Song: “Heroin” (1967)

Damn Neat Fact: Slept with Jim Morrison of the Doors, Brian Jones of the Rolling Stones, Lou Reed of The Velvet Underground and Iggy Pop (among others).

Damn Neat Fact #2: Starred in Andy Warhol’s experimental film “Chelsea Girl.”

Coolest Moment: Recorded one of the most influential albums of all time in The Velvet Underground and Nico.

Siouxsie Sioux

Real Name: Susan Janet Ballion

DOB: May 27, 1957

Hometown: London

Resume: Lead singer of the band Siouxsie & the Banshees and of The Creatures.

Best Album: Tinderbox (1986)

Best Song: “Cities in Dust” (1986)

Second Best Song: “Peek-a-Boo” (1988)

Damn Neat Fact: Shirley Manson claimed Siouxsie as a major influence (along with Sinatra).

Damn Neat Fact #2: She was once punched in the face for wearing a swastika armband.

Coolest Moment: Becoming a major influence of bands like The Cure, Joan Jett & Blackhearts, Shirley Manson and Garbage and scores of other shoe gazer and Goth bands.

Real Name: Meghan Martha White

DOB: December 10, 1974

Hometown: Grosse Pointe Farms, Michigan

Resume: Drummer and back-up singer for the duo The White Stripes

Best Album: White Blood Cells (2001)

Best Song: “Fell in Love with a Girl” (2001)

Second Best Song: “Seven Nation Army” (2003)

Damn Neat Fact: Claimed to be the sister of her fellow White Stripes musician Jack White even though they were married.

Damn Neat Fact #2: She divorced Jack in 2000, but didn’t quit the band.

Coolest Moment: She was featured on “The Simpson’s” in an episode called “Jazzy and the Pussycats.”

Wendy O. Williams

Real Name: Wendy Orleans Williams

DOB: May 28, 1949 (died April 6, 1998)

Hometown: Webster, New York

Resume: Lead singer of the punk band the Plasmatics.

Best Album: New Hope for the Wretched (1980)

Best Song: “Corruption” (1980)

Second Best Song: “Masterplan” (1981)

Damn Neat Fact: She was nominated for a Best Female Rock Vocal Grammy in 1985.

Damn Neat Fact #2: She liked to strip on stage and use chain saws to cut her guitars in half.

Coolest Moment: Arrested in Milwaukee in 1981 for simulating a sex act on stage.

Stevie Nicks

Real Name: Stephanie Lynn Nicks

DOB: May 26, 1948

Hometown: Phoenix, Arizona

Resume: Singer and songwriter with Fleetwood Mac, but also had a long solo career.

Best Album: The Wild Heart (1983)

Best Song: “Stop Draggin’ My Heart Around” (1981)

Second Best Song: “Stand Back” (1983)

Damn Neat Fact: Persistent rumors that she is witch have been denied by Stevie several times.

Damn Neat Fact #2: Courtney Love counts Stevie as one of her influences.

Coolest Moment: Recorded one of the greatest rock albums ever with Fleetwood Mac – “Rumors” – in 1977.

Courtney Love

Real Name: Courtney Michelle Harrison

DOB: July 9, 1964

Hometown: San Francisco

Resume: Married to Kurt Cobain of Nirvana and lead singer of the alt-punk band Hole.

Best Album: Celebrity Skin (1998)

Best Song: “Doll Parts” (1994))

Second Best Song: Celebrity Skin” (1998)

Damn Neat Fact: Hole’s album “Live Through This” was released four days after the suicide of Cobain in 1994.

Damn Neat Fact #2: Once told Rolling Stone magazine that she needed to be saved.

Coolest Moment: Going topless in the 1996 film “The People vs. Larry Flynt.”

See our picks for the 10 Worst Videos from MTV

No disrespect is meant toward the late Robert Ludlum, but he was only a slightly above average writer. He could plot with the best of them – in fact, it was his greatest skill as a novelist. However, his characters rarely rose above stock and always remained two-dimensional.

But give him major kudos for giving us Jason Bourne – because without Ludlum we would never have gotten three spectacular Jason Bourne movies starring Matt Damon: “The Bourne Identity” (2002), “The Bourne Supremacy” (2004), and this year’s “The Bourne Ultimatum.”

The movies are loosely based on Ludlum’s overwritten novels, but he did come up with the premise and the character.

So thank you, Mr. Ludlum.

Of the three movies, “The Bourne Supremacy” remains the best (although “Ultimatum” was excellent – falling far shy with the disappointing ending).

Oddly enough, Matt Damon, as uber-spy Jason Bourne, is wildly miscast. He’s too young, too short, too husky, and too all-American for the role of a ruthless, sophisticated government agent. Yet, amazingly, he pulls it off – in fact, he more than pulls it off.

Damon seethes on screen. His tightly contained rage bubbles to the surface with perfectly timed nuance. He plays Bourne as methodical – a man who can compartmentalize his pain, panic, and emotion – and focus on completing the task at hand – at any cost.

It’s the moments after the brutal action – after he uses his bare hands to beat and strangle to death a rogue agent, for example, when he catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror that we can see the human being within. Matt Damon can act.

In the “Supremacy,” director Paul Greenhouse gives us a compelling, reasoned thriller and a cast of A-list supporting actors that know how to chew their way through a scene. Greenhouse never forgets that characters are what sell an action movie. You have to care about the people to make the action work.

Greenhouse is able to develop his characters without slowing down the action. When Bourne and his girlfriend, Maria (played by Franka Potente), are discovered hiding in India by a Russian hitman, they make a desperate run for safety. During the car chase, the dialog between Bourne and Maria gives you a dynamic peek into their complicated relationship.

Bourne is convinced their cover has been blown – but Maria isn’t. She’s gotten comfortable playing house with Bourne and doesn’t want it to end.

“We’re blown,” he tells her.

You can see her disbelief in her expression. She can’t believe it. She’s been living with his nightmares, his paranoia for more than two years. He glances at her, sweating and frenzied: “This is real,” he says.

They argue and when Maria tells him he has a choice – that he doesn’t have to run anymore – Bourne is almost ready to believe her when she is shot in the head by the hitman’s long-range rifle.

That last exchange says more about their relationship (about the trust and love between them) than any drawn-out and unnecessary dialog scene. It’s a testament to Greenhouse’s skill as a director and the abilities of Damon and Potente as actors.

Joan Allen as the honest, driven CIA assistant director Pamela Landy and Brian Cox as the company louse Ward Abbott light up the screen. Their verbal jousts and one-upmanship give the movie an authentic feel. It’s this insider politicking among the agents that build the tension to frenzy.

If you haven’t seen any the Bourne movies – you should. They are better than any of the Bond movies (with the possible exception of “Casino Royale”) and never fall into the comic book silliness of Tom Cruise’s Mission Impossible films.

There have been three Bourne movies – and one can only hope there will be a fourth.

Read our Ode to "Fight Club" here

My buddy, an accountant for a national auditing firm, bought a brand-new tie-dye t-shirt the day before a Grateful Dead concert at Foxboro Stadium in Massachusetts.

He looked like a walking Life Saver. The colors were so vibrant – so damn bright that you had to squint when you looked at him. The tie-dye was accompanied by a pair of pressed khaki shorts and a short, bristled corporate hair cut.

This was back in the early 1990s – and despite not having had a hit album in several years – the Dead continued to be a hot live act. There was a reason for that – few bands reached the musical achievements of the Dead in concert. Their shows were free-wheeling jam sessions that infused listeners with a remarkable sense of joy, freedom, and fellowship.

Before the show, my accountant friend and I walked through the camp village that cropped up at any Dead concert. These camps – filled with diehard Deadheads – resembled gypsy caravans; nomadic villages filled with campers, tents, food stands, and T-shirt shops. It was also a thriving black market for illegal drugs.

As we strolled through, we were accosted by dozens of Deadheads convinced my friend was an undercover police officer. The shouts of “Narc! Narc!” followed us through the windy corridors of the camp. It got so bad that we had to flee.

The concert was amazing – per usual. I lost track of my friend and after the show, we couldn’t find him. We looked everywhere. Finally, on the ride back to my house, we saw him staggering down the side of the road. A red bandana was wrapped around his haircut, his shirt was off and tucked into the pocket of his know filthy shorts. He was singing “Little Red Rooster” at the top of his lungs.

At the show, he had graciously accepted an offer of water from a Deadhead. Said water was laced with acid.

His transformation was complete: from alleged Narc to one of the messy, free-spirited fellowship.

What follows is DaRK PaRTY’s attempt to list the greatest dozen Grateful Dead songs of all time:

Little Red Rooster

This song was originally written by Chicago bluesman Willie Dixon and first recorded by Howlin’ Wolf in 1962. It’s been covered by everyone from the Rolling Stones to Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers. But it was the Grateful Dead who commandeered Dixon’s tune and made it their own. The Dead’s version is a sultry jammer that lets Jerry Garcia’s guitar do most of the squealing and howling. It never appeared on a Dead studio album, but can be found on several live albums. It was also one of the band’s favorite concert tunes.

Althea

“Althea” can be found on the band’s much maligned 1980 release “Go to Heaven.” Critics and Deadhead’s panned this album, yet it contains a surprising number of excellent songs – of which “Althea” is one of the best. While the studio version is decent, the live version is hard to beat. The song features a cascading, funky backbeat and some lyrical guitar work that gets your head bobbing.

Franklin’s Tower

Featured on the band’s “Blues for Allah” album released in 1974, “Franklin’s Tower” is a jazz-infused funker. This rich, multi-layered song is a jazz riff turned into a rocking space jam. It’s also one of those songs that seems to capture the essence of the band – like a grilled cheese sandwich in a gravel parking lot outside a sport stadium while the sun sinks low in the sky.

Scarlet Begonias

“Scarlet Begonias” (often called “Scarlet Fire” because it was paired with “Fire on the Mountain” during many live shows) may be the Dead’s best pop song. It has a carefree Top 40 appeal to it, yet it feels like the Dead. The song comes from the underrated “The Grateful Dead From the Mars Hotel” made in 1974. It has been covered several times by Sublime, Jimmy Buffet, and Phish.

I Know You Rider

This song appears for the first time on the band’s famous live album “Europe ’72” and was a popular song for the Dead to play in concert. It often followed “China Cat Sunflower.” “I Know You Rider” was usually sung in chorus with a heavy reliance on piano rather than on Jerry’s guitar.

Ripple

“Ripple” appears on the Dead’s second album “American Beauty” (1970). It’s a country-infused ballad driven by the mellow strummings of an acoustic guitar. Simple, infectious, and one of those magical songs that makes you think about walking along a sun-drenched beach in the summer.

Fire on the Mountain

The second part of the “Scarlet Fire” duo. “Fire on the Mountain” first appeared on the album “Shakedown Street” in 1978. The album is generally panned by critics as a mess – especially since the Dead tried to “disco” up some of the songs (the terrible “Shakedown Street” comes to mind). But “Fire in the Mountain” was a highlight and became a live favorite.

New Speedway Boogie

This song rocks. It’s a twangy folk song with a terrific backbeat. “New Speedway Boogie” appears on the 1970 album “Workingman’s Dead” (which is one of the band’s best). You can’t listen to this one without feeling like you need to get up on your feet and twirl.

Terrapin Station

The title song from the 1977 “Terrapin Station” album sounds like it could have been performed by Genesis on acid. It has a big, booming sound with multiple layers – horns, strings, and symphonic movement. But “Terrapin Station” is lyrical and harmonic. Every time you listen to it there’s a hidden bit that reveals itself.

Tennessee Jed

Try not to think about moonshine, creeks, and hollows when listening to this southern-fried country rocker. This is another song that made its first appearance on “Europe ’72.” “Tennessee Jed” wants you to sing along and its hard not to.

Mountains of the Moon

One of the Dead’s best acoustic songs is “Mountains of the Moon.” It was born on the album “Aoxomoxoa” in 1969 and has remained an underrated Dead song. “Mountains” captures the essence of the Dead when they strip down their music to its essential roots.

Estimated Prophet

Another great song from the “Terrapin Station” album. This one a rollicking, reggae-influenced song that sounds like Bob Marley rocking out with The Band. The backbeat keeps this one kicking as Jerry really lets his guitar twang. It was a popular live song for the band.

Read our picks for the best of R.E.M.'s more obscure music here

It started with that damn iPod ad. It was stupid, too. Not even Will at his best, but – I don’t know – I guess it was the gray t-shirt. He looked so good in it. And I like his hair short because it frames his face better. When he ends the commercial saying he’s a porn actor – it’s like, wow, so damn sexy. Crazy, right?

I know, I know, big fucking joke, right? Will Ferrell some pudgy, white dude with no calf muscles. I mean have you seen his legs? His thighs are the same width as his calves – no lie. Weird shit. Weird shit, man! I mean what kind of cruel genes are those? Look up chicken leg in the dictionary and there’s Will Ferrell’s god awful legs stubbing up the page.

But it’s no joke. The dude knows he’s sexy. Knows it! It makes no sense at all – but there it is, people, in black-and-white. Will Ferrell is the bomb. A freakin’ tall cool glass of Red Bull spiked with vodka and ready to be pounded down like a hammer on a two-by-four. Yeah, I know I’m mixing metaphors and shit – but who cares?

So finally, I got over it, you know. I mean how many times can you freakin’ go to YouTube and watch a 30 second iPod commercial? I stopped counting at 456 – but I must have gone back maybe a dozen or so more times. But finally, I’m like needing to study for my Algebra II test and start getting serious about pig dissection in my Anatomy & Physiology class (God, do I hate Mr. Goldberg!). So, like, I’m over it. Right?

Wrong, bitches.

‘Cause like then, my sweet old mother rents “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby” (Thanks, Nancy! No wonder dad took off with that Brazilian counter girl at Dunkin’ Donuts.). But I digress. It’s a car racing movie. Like I’d rather watch back-to-back episodes of the “O.C.” or text message Marsha Weber about how ugly Kellie Gibson’s new hairdo is than watch a movie about car racing – but it stars Will.

I won’t lie to you. I hesitated ‘cause it’s not like I want to go back to being freaky about the guy. I’m not that way either – seriously – and I know most people won’t believe it, but it’s true. I once sucked on Marsha’s titties for like five minutes – and I liked it. Hell, Marsha liked it just fine, even though, you know, my braces kinda nicked her up some.

But then I’m thinking, hey, the legs. How can I get hooked on a round mound of pale, jiggly flesh that has got sticks like coffee table legs? So I’m kinda laughin’ at the whole thing, thinkin’ just watch the fucking movie. Will’s funny with a capital M – as in milk pouring down your nostrils.

So I watch it – alone, in my bedroom, lights doused, wearing my Halloween pumpkin boxer shorts (don’t ask!).

And he’s nude. I’m like what? Well, you know, not totally nude, but running about in tightie whities screaming and yelling – pretending he’s on fire and shit. Guy’s hairy – curly Q’s dancing around his chest, belly, and shoulders. Bogus! Really, it’s bogus. But on the other hand, it’s not ‘cause it’s Will. Will Ferrell. And as we’ve established – he’s damn sexy.

And he knows it. The dude makes it work. So I’m slow mo-ing the streaking parts and I can’t take my eyes off that belly – that glorious, gelatinous mass of soft white flesh – like a goddamn wet bag of marshmallows sprouting pubic hair.

Tents were made in my bedroom. Circus tents.

So I’m freakin’ out now. Totally out of my mind. My grades start to plummet and man they didn’t have far to fall before the guidance counselors are feeding me oxygen and telling me I need to start thinking about “trades” not “colleges.”

I’m desperate – out of my mind. And then – Will – my slumberland pal, the haunted nemesis of my dreams – comes out with “Blades of Glory” – where he plays an oversexed figure skater!

Cruel fuckin’ world!

More nudity, man! He prancing around a kitchen without a shirt and if you’re normal – if you’re like not a total sociopathic maniac – you’re ready to vomit up a lung or at least a kidney. ‘Cause the dude looks like shit! Like Will’s gotta be eatin’ pizzas and subs and Hot Pockets like it’s going out of style – ‘cause ya gotta work on a belly like that.

But I love it, ya know? I’m thinkin’ I’d like to eat a few dozen pepperoni Hot Pockets right off of that heaven sent belly cushion and that belly button that looks like a rivet hole (I just know my pinkie would slip right into that bad boy!).

But I’m startin’ to come to terms with it, ya know? ‘Cause it’s just Will. That’s all. Will’s in my brain and for now I’m just gonna have to live with it.

I got my senior year left and I’ve got time to get my grades in order and get my ass to Cape Cod Community College. I’ll live. I’ll survive. I’ll try not to see “Semi-Pro” in 2008. I’ll try to avoid the “Funny or Die” web site. And I’ll try to spend more time with Marsha and her mosquito bites and mono-brow.

And I freakin’ need to stop this Ben Stiller thing now. Nip it in the bud, so to speak.

Read one of our DaRK PaRTY Parodies at McSweeney's Here