“Immense as whales, the motion of whose vast bodies can in peaceful calm trouble the ocean till it boil.”

- Sir William Davenant, Preface to Gondibert

Call me Determined.

Some time ago – never mind how long precisely – I tried to read Herman Melville’s “Moby-Dick.” But being a young man without much patience, I abandoned the novel somewhere about page 100. It was a discouragement to be sure and I found myself grim at the mouth.

“Moby-Dick,” after all, was a classic. One of those “big” books. Nay! One of those “giant” books ranking with Leo Tolstoy’s “War and Peace,” Charles Dickens’ “Bleak House,” and Miguel de Cervantes’ “Don Quixote.”

Alas, I had purchased an ill conceived paperback with print the size of micro-dots. My eyes were left strained and bloodshot and the book seemed an impossible endeavor.

With a damp, drizzly November in my soul, I returned “Moby-Dick” to my bookshelf, where it remained for many years. There it collected dust and the pages turned yellow and brittle. Oh, occasionally I’d finger the spine or pull it off the shelf – the old disappointment returning like a flash of lightning.

The years went by – the exact number is now lost to my memory – but I was older and more mature. One hazy, rainy winter weekend, I quite surprised myself by seeking out the volume and trying again. I spent an inglorious week struggling with the tiny type and the brittle pages.

This time my determination – my utter drive – took me to nearly 300 pages before, exhausted, I once again gave it up in vain. This time, I thought miserably, would be the last. It wasn’t meant to be. I was clearly not robust enough to tackle this weighty masterpiece.

Time continued to tick by – marriage, career change, children – and my copy of “Moby-Dick” ended up in a cardboard box in the basement. No longer would this tome mock me from my bookshelf!

And then – out of the blue – the reasons quite unclear to my foggy mind – I decided to try a third time. It was my copy of the novel – my cheap, tattered edition – that was preventing me from finishing. The brilliance of this insight set me to action.

I stuffed a dollar or two into my old wallet, tucked it into my back pocket, and started for the bookstore. I perused the finery of the stocked shelves. Is there any sight more grand and heart-warming than the glistening volumes of new books waiting patiently for an eager reader?

I found a hefty copy of “Moby-Dick” with big, bold letters practically leaping off the thick pages. Ah, I thought, this is the companion I’ve been waiting for! This is the copy of the novel that will help me to accomplish my mission!

The clerk rang up the sale and I was on my way. This time I am called Determined and I will finish “Moby-Dick.” I will record my adventures here – for you to experience, dear reader. Together we shall overcome the daunting task and my past failures and read one of the greatest American novels of all time.

But no more of this blubbering now, we are going a-whaling! Let us scrape the ice from our frosted feet, and see what sort of place this “Moby-Dick” may be.

Progress to date: Page 41 of 655.

Labels: books, Moby-Dick

StumbleUpon

Digg

Technorati

E-mail

While DaRK PaRTY was doing the painstaking research to select the cream of the crop – a trend emerged. SNL is a man’s game. There have been few women comedians who have successfully used SNL as a springboard for greater success. It would be difficult to get a woman on a top 15 list, never mind the top seven. The closest candidates would be Gilda Radner, Molly Shannon and Tina Fey.

For the purposes of this list, DaRK PaRTY had two criteria:

1. The actor had to have made his first mark with SNL (which eliminated Billy Crystal, Chris Elliot and Michael McKean)
2. The actor had to have left SNL for greater success (which eliminated the underrated and very funny Darrell Hammond)

So without further delay DaRK PaRTY presents the 7 Funniest Comedians from “Saturday Night Live.”

Bill Murray

Age: 56

Years on SNL: 1977-80

Style: A classic wiseass personae – known for his dry, sarcastic wit

Best Known Characters: The nerd Todd DiLamuca, who wore his pants up around his chest and gave nuggies, and Nick the Lounge Singer

Break-out Movie: “Meatballs” (1979)

Funniest Movie: “Caddyshack” (1980)

Worst Movie: “Garfield” (2004)

Useless Trivia: Murray replaced the much-hated Chevy Chase and in 1978, during a show Chase was hosting, the two men got into a fistfight shortly before the show went live.

Quote: “We've been going about this all wrong, this Mr. Stay Puft's okay, he's a sailor, he's in New York, we get this guy laid we won't have any trouble.” – From “Ghostbusters” (1984)

Quote #2: “Lee Harvey, you are a madman. When you stole that cow, and your friend tried to make it with the cow. I want to party with you, cowboy. If the two of us together, forget it. I'm gonna go out on a limb here. I'm gonna volunteer my leadership to this platoon. An army without leaders is like a foot without a big toe. And Sergeant Hulka is always gonna be here to be that big toe for us. I think that we owe a big round of applause to our newest, bestest buddy, and big toe... Sergeant Hulka.” – From “Stripes” (1981)

Eddie Murphy

Age: 45

Years on SNL: 1980-84

Style: A racy ham known for his scathing insults and wink-wink relationship with his audience

Best Known Characters: Mr. Robinson, Buckwheat, Gumboy and Stevie Wonder

Break-out Movie: “48 Hours” (1982)

Best Movie: “Trading Places” (1983)

Worst Movie: “The Adventures of Pluto Nash” (2002)

Useless Trivia: When Murphy’s career sputtered in the late 1990s, SNL’s David Spade during his Hollywood Minute segment, flashed a photo of Murphy on the screen and shrilled: “Look children, a falling star. Make a wish!”

Quote: “Now, a brother's dick is too big, so it'll fuck up his balance... Every time you see a brother in a wheelchair, he ain't always crippled.” – From “Delirious” (1983)

Quote #2: “Before I go, I just want to say one thing. The supercop story... was working. And you guys just messed it up. I'm still trying to figure you guys out, but I haven't yet. But it's cool, though. You just fuck up a perfectly good lie.” – From “Beverley Hills Cops” (1984)

Will Ferrell

Age: 39

Style: Master impressionist

Years on SNL: 1995-02

Best Known Characters: Alex Trebek, Neil Diamond, Harry Caray, Music Teacher Mary Culp, Spartan cheerleader Craig Buchanan and night clubber Steve Butabi

Break-out Movie: “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery” (1997)

Best Movie: “Old School” (2003)

Worst Movie: “A Night at the Roxbury” (1998)

Useless Trivia: Ferrell’s nickname since high school is “Wilf.”

Quote: “Dear little baby Jesus, who's sittin' in his crib watchin the Baby Einstein videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin' me and my moma together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers.” – From “Talladega Nights” (2006)

Quote #2: “I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.” – From “Anchorman” (2004)

Mike Myers

Age: 43

Style: Smarmy, know-it-all with a heart of gold

Years on SNL: 1989-95

Best Known Characters: Dieter, Linda Richman and Wayne Campbell,

Break-out Movie: “Wayne’s World” (1992)

Best Movie: “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me” (1999)

Worst Movie: “The Cat in the Hat” (2003)

Useless Trivia: When Myers was nine years old he starred in a TV commercial with Gilda Radner

Quote: “Are those fricken' sharks with fricken' laser beams attached to their fricken' heads?” – From “Goldmember (2002)

Quote #2: “I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.” – From “Wayne’s World” (1992)

Dana Carvey

Age: 51

Style: Classic impressionist

Years on SNL: 1986-93

Best Known Characters: Church Lady, George H.W. Bush, Hans, Garth Algar and Jimmy Stewart

Break-out Movie: “Tough Guys” (1986)

Best Movie: “Wayne’s World” (1992)

Worst Movie: “Halloween II” (1981)

Useless Trivia: Comedy Central lists Carvey at the 90^th best in their list of 100 Best Stand-ups of All Time.

Quote: “As Prometheus said to the Athenians, "I need another beer". – From “Opportunity Knocks” (1990)

Quote #2: “Uh, Wayne, you know, I don't think you should mention that Jim Morrison thing anymore. It's just that people have started to talk, you know. They're saying things like, "Hey, there goes Garth and his friend Wayne... the psychopath." – From “Wayne’s World 2” (1993)

Adam Sandler

Age: 41

Style: Loudmouth buffoon (who sings!)

Years on SNL: 1990-95

Best Known Characters: Cajun Man, Opera Man, Bono and Charles Manson

Break-out Movie: “Billy Madison” (1995)

Best Movie: “50 First Dates” (2004)

Worst Movie: “Little Nicky” (2000)

Useless Trivia: One of Sandler’s best friends is fellow SNL alumni Norm MacDonald

Quote: “I'm not a homophobe, I'm a pulling-out-my-penis-in-front-of-you-ophobe.” – From “Anger Management” (2003)

Quote #2: “I am good. You know what, you're a lousy kindergarten teacher. I've seen those finger-paintings you bring home and they SUCK.” – From “Happy Gilmore” (1996)

John Belushi

Age: Died at age 33 in 1982

Style: Overbearing buffoon and party animal

Years on SNL: 1975-79

Best Known Characters: Samurai Futaba, Jake Blues, Elvis Presley, Joe Cocker and Larry Farver

Break-out Movie: “Animal House” (1978)

Best Movie: “Animal House” (1978)

Worst Movie: “1941” (1979)

Useless Trivia: Belushi was the hero of SNL’s Chris Farley and once said he wanted to live his life like Belushi. Both comedians died of an overdose of heroin and cocaine at the age of 33

Quote: “Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!” – From “Animal House” (1978)

Quote #2: “It's so quiet up here, you could hear a mouse get a hard on.” – From “Continental Divide” (1981)

Runners-up: Martin Short, Chris Farley, Dan Aykroyd, Chevy Chase, Phil Hartman, Chris Rock and David Spade

Labels: Comedy, Movies

StumbleUpon

Digg

Technorati

E-mail

DP: How would you describe the humor on John Stewart's "The Daily Show?"

Paul: As I note in "Cracking Up," progressives have trouble seeing that Limbaugh has a sense of humor. But, like Ann Coulter and Scott Ott, Rush is almost always half kidding. Not in the sense that he's a flexible thinker, not at all. His humor is always pointed, always aimed at people he disagrees with. Being Limbaugh means never having to say you're sorry.

He has been mocking Al Gore for years and still has "Al Gore's Doomsday Clock" ticking away on the Limbaugh Web site. For decades, Rush has ridiculed "dunderheaded," "kookburger," "nutso" "environmental wackos" and made fun of the absurd notion that human beings can radically change global climate. People looking back at our time in a hundred years may be even more pressed to see what was funny about this irresponsible, ill-informed rhetoric.

Labels: 5 Questions, Humor, Paul Lewis

StumbleUpon

Digg

Technorati

E-mail

After reading Bret Easton Ellis’ fifth novel “Lunar Park,” a fascinating question emerges. Can Ellis write? Because “Lunar Park” is a mess – a sloppy, hideously constructed work. It is his worst book (and if you’ve had the misfortune to read his second novel “The Rules of Attraction” then you begin to understand how terrible “Lunar Park” is).

Take a gander at these two sophomoric passages of piss-poor writing:

“Yo?” I said, checking the incoming number.

“It’s me.” It was Jay but I could barely hear him.

“Where are you?” I whined. “Jesus, Jay, you are one lost bastard.”

“What do you mean, where am I?” he asked.

“You sound like you’re at some kind of party.” I paused. “Don’t tell me that many people showed up at your goddamn reading.”

“Well, open the door and you’ll see where I am” was his reply.

“Open which door?”

“The one you’re behind, moron.”

“Oh.” I turned to Aimee. “It’s the Jayster.”

“Why don’t you just let me out first,” Aimee suggested, hurrying toward the mirror to make sure everything was in place.

And this gem:

“Well, you should by now,” I said encouragingly, but also confused about why a girl so proud of having learned the alphabet should be reading “Lord of the Flies.”

“I know the alphabet,” she stated proudly, “A B C D E F –“

“Honey, Bret has a big headache. I’m gonna take your word on this one.”

“—G H I J K L M N –“

“You can identify the sounds letters make. Sweetie, that’s really excellent, Jayne?”

“—O P Q R S T U V –“

“Jayne, would you please give her a sugar-free doughnut or something?” I touched my head to indicate migraine approaching. “Really.”

“And I know what a rhombus is!” Sarah shouted gleefully.

One wonders if Ellis was buying the adverbs by the bushel.

This is just bad writing. It is ponderous, choppy, and bloated with excessive baggage. But even worse, these passages are parts of longer scenes that neither reveal character nor propel the plot. They’re just there – doing nothing. But their greatest sin may be that they’re not even interesting. Unfortunately, “Lunar Park” is teaming with passages like these.

“Lunar Park” is the work of a desperate writer. It’s a fictionalized autobiography about Bret Easton Ellis. But this Ellis married a famous actress after having an illegitimate son with her. They have moved to the Connecticut suburbs with her step-daughter and try to live happily ever after. But this is Bret Easton Ellis – so his character is a drug addled, self-centered asshole without a single redeeming feature.

The self-parody is amusing for the first 40 pages and there’s hope that Ellis might finally have pulled off his first successful book since “Less Than Zero.”

But alas.

The novel descends – quite rapidly – into a ridiculously awful horror novel. The plot is so convoluted and slap-dash that it would be too tedious to outline here. Suffice to say it includes the ghost of Ellis’ estranged father, a possessed stuff bird (who at one point crawls into a pet dog’s ass), several missing boys, and Ellis’ Patrick Bateman character (from his most notorious novel “American Psycho”) come to life.

If this sounds interesting – don’t be fooled, because the plot matters little. None of it comes together in any coherent conclusion and no explanation is offered for any of the bizarre occurrences.

It’s been clear for sometime now that Ellis – once the literary darling of New York – has more in common with Stephen King than with Norman Mailer. “Lunar Park” and “American Psycho” are both horror novels. But unlike King – who, ironically, is despised by the literati – Ellis struggles with character. King is a master of placing regular people in extraordinary situations. His characters feel real and readers relate to them.

Ellis’ characters, on the other hand, are all vapid, self-obsessed yuppies. It’s like being stuck in a room full of martini-fueled Wall Street stockbrokers who are all Yankee fans.

I have a theory about Ellis. He was a one book author. “Less Than Zero,” published while he was still a college student in 1985, became a best-seller for its flat style of writing and realistic portrayal of nihilistic college students. He was dubbed the voice of Generation X.

That’s a lot of fame and pressure on a 21-year-old writer. He’s been struggling to keep up ever since.

Like most young people thrust into the spotlight at a young age – he fell to drinking and drugging. He published “The Rules of Attraction” in 1987 and it pushed boundaries by portraying his characters as sexual ambiguous and self-destructive. But the novel was horrible – and ultimately pointless.

In an act of desperation, Ellis wrote “American Psycho” in 1991. The novel was an intimate look at psychopathic serial killer and featured graphic murders – many of them of young women. The original publisher dropped it in protest – but the controversy only fueled sales. But the book was ultimately a carnival sideshow attraction – borderline pornography. You get the feeling that only reason it was written was to save Ellis’ sagging literary career and garner him attention.

His two other books “The Informers,” a short story collection published in 1994, and “Glamorama” (1998) barely caused ripples. And it should be noted that most of the short stories in “The Informers” were written by Ellis when he was still in college.

So what’s a poor, attention-whore of a writer to do? Well, why not return to graphic murders and mayhem? It worked so well with “American Psycho.” Enter “Lunar Park” in 2005. As I mentioned already – it even features the main character, Patrick Bateman, from “American Psycho.”

But I suppose we shouldn’t blame Ellis. He’s just trying to hawk badly written books. We should blame his enablers in the literati. The New York Times called “Lunar Park” “Addictive…Sublime…Exquisite…” and made it a notable book of the year. The New Yorker called it “A rhapsody of grief and reconciliation.”

One wonders what novel they were reading. If you really want to read Ellis – go buy “Less Than Zero” and read that again. It’s not a bad book.

Everything since?

Less than good.

Labels: books, Brett Easton Ellis

StumbleUpon

Digg

Technorati

E-mail

DaRK PaRTY: You grew up in a family of artists in New York State. When did you begin to realize that being an artist was your calling as well?

Harry: It’s funny; I’m convinced my ‘calling’ as an artist came very early on in my life. In fact, my mother still has a terrific conte crayon drawing of my umbilical cord I’d done in utero.

DP: Your artwork has been on the cover of 17 New Yorker magazines. Can you tell us your process for developing a cover for one of the best known magazines in the world? And which cover has been your favorite?

Harry: Creating covers for The New Yorker is all about ideas and it’s no different that cartooning for the magazine or my syndicate (Tribune Media). Essentially, ideas come to me all of the time, I take notes, discuss their relevance with friends and then decide which ideas are worthy of pursuing. If I feel strongly about one concept, I’ll draw it up.

I get ideas from other people as well. I have three gag writers and their contributions are extremely helpful. Thirty percent of my cartoons are collaborations and I love working this way. In the end, it’s not about ego… it’s about funny.

New Yorker covers…well, I send cover sketches to my editor and if she likes the idea, she’ll show it to the editor in chief and if he digs it, they call me…it’s that simple. These days I’ve been focusing on my cartoons, not so much covers, plus my children’s books take up a great deal of time.

My favorite New Yorker cover hasn’t run yet – the New Yorker bought it and has yet to run it. But I do like the one of the New York Public Library with the lion eating the pigeon quite a bit.

DP: You also produce "Bliss" -- a one-panel comic featured in daily newspapers around the country. How would you describe "Bliss" to those who have never read it?

Harry: ‘Bliss’ is probably the best single panel gag cartoon out there, no shit. It’s smart and funny and not afraid to offend readers – I get a lot of mail. I got two letters recently. The first one read: “I loath your comic strip.” That letter slayed me when I read it – really funny. I enjoy sharp criticism as well as praise. The second letter thanked me for filling the hole left when Gary Larson retired.

I work my ass off on the panel (not a comic strip!) and when readers write to me and tell me how they feel about the panel, it helps…not sure how, but I’m sure on some sub-conscious level I’m processing all of it and it has to effect my work. The panel will always evolve, if it doesn’t, I’m fucked.

DP: Your humor in "Bliss" is edgy and laugh-out-loud funny. Two recent cartoons stand out for me. The one with a couple in bed and the husband waking up the wife and saying: "Wake-up, baby, I figure out how my insomnia is all your fault" and the one of two parents addressing their young son with their fingers crossed behind their backs swearing they never tried drugs. Where do you get your ideas for the strip?

Harry: The ideas for Bliss come straight from my life…enough said.

DP: What comic strips do you find funny? And what illustrators working today do you admire?

Harry: I think Danny Shanahan and Jack Ziegler are great cartoonists. I like Alex Gregory and Charles Barsotti, too. I’m not a big fan of most of what I see. The cartoons are either too generic or they’re simply humorous captions with superfluous drawings. One thing to remember about good cartoons is that the drawing and the caption must rely on each other. One shouldn’t exist without the other.

Read our interview with Tony Carrillo of F-Minus

Labels: 5 Questions, Bliss, Harry Bliss

StumbleUpon

Digg

Technorati

E-mail

Labels: Future, Satire

StumbleUpon

Digg

Technorati

E-mail

There have been many of bad rock n’ roll bands. But to make this list, DaRK PaRTY set a few strict rules:

1. Bands only. No solo artists
2. This is about bands that have a history – no one-hit wonders, no one-album phenomenon , no here today-gone tomorrow bands
3. The band has to have at least one gold album

These are the bands that deserve to be completely eliminated from the annals of rock history. These are the bands that – to get cerebral and quite academic – suck. They bring nothing to the table except massively delusional fans (who will protest like 3-year-olds having temper tantrums when they see their band listed below).

So without further ado, DaRK PaRTY gives you the worst bands in rock history:

STYX

It is hard to believe that Styx had several multi-platinum albums. This is, after all, the band who released some of the most revolting singles of all time in “Lady” and “Come Sail Away.” Lead singer Dennis DeYoung, despite having one of the worst warbles in rock history, is also an accomplished accordion player. Need we say anymore?

Factoid: The first name for the band was “The Tradewinds.”

Worst Album: Pieces of Eight (1978)

Gag Inducing Song: “Mr. Roboto”

CULTURE CLUB

Boy George introduced the Amish hat into 80s culture and was responsible for helping make popular oversized shirts that hung down to the knees. At the same time he was destroying the fashion world, he was also helping drive a stake through the heart of alternative music. Culture Club’s pop-laden fluff is so sickly sweet and the lyrics so sugary that diabetics should avoid it at all costs.

Factoid: Boy George sang as “Lieutenant Lush” with Bow Wow Wow before joining Culture Club.

Worst Album: Kissing to be Clever (1982)

Gag Inducing Song: “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?” (the answer, of course, is a responding yes).

KANSAS

Kansas, believe it or not, is still touring. There has yet to be a tragic bus accident. Kansas was one of those power bands in the 1970s that was so damn earnest and serious (they labeled themselves a progress rock band) that they ended up as simply annoying. Beware of bands named after states, countries, and continents. They don’t have great track records.

Factoid: Part of the resurgence of Kansas can be blamed on the movie “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure,” which featured the song “Dust in the Wind.”

Worst Album: Monolith (1979)

Gag Inducing Song: “Dust in the Wind”

ASIA

Asia was formed from the remnants of three shit bands: Yes, King Crimson, and Emerson, Lake & Palmer. All of three of those bands were considered for this list. But why bother when you can put Asia on the list? Here was an alleged “super” band whose best song was “Heat of the Moment.” Are you catching what we’re laying down here? This band sucks pond scum.

Factoid: The song “Heat of the Moment” is sung by Eric Cartman and the U.S. Congress in an episode of “South Park.”

Worst Album: Alpha (1983)

Gag Inducing Song: “The Heat Goes On”

AIR SUPPLY

Soft rock is an oxymoron and Air Supply was king of the soft rock bands. The band performed love ballads that made the average person want to saw off their wrists with a sharp razor. The most difficult part about writing about Air Supply is coming up with their most gag inducing song – because all of their singles fill your mouth with bile.

Factoid: Founders Graham Russell and Russell Hitchcock meant during a performance of “Jesus Christ Superstar” in 1975.

Worst Album: The One That You Love (1981)

Gag Inducing Song: “Here I Am (Just When I Thought I Was Over You”

EUROPE

Europe is the most famous Swedish rock band of all time – selling more than 10 million albums. It’s almost enough to make you want to wipe the country off the face of the earth. Abba, my friends, is twice the band Europe is.

Factoid: Europe has sold more than 10 million albums worldwide.

Worst Album: The Final Countdown (1986)

Gag Inducing Song: “Carrie”

HUEY LEWIS & THE NEWS

Some people (deranged people) will argue against Huey’s inclusion on this list. Harmless, they’ll mutter. They’ll say: Wasn’t “I Want a New Drug” kind of a good song? They’ll add, didn’t the band win an academy award? Don’t listen to these nut jobs. Huey Lewis & the News were awful – so light weight that it’s amazing they didn’t just float away.

Factoid: Huey Lewis has a cameo in the movie “Back to the Future.”

Worst Album: Fore! (1986)

Gag Inducing Song: “Hip to be Square”

REO SPEEDWAGON

Here’s a mid-western arena rock band famous for power ballads. Can someone just shoot us in the goddamn head? And they’re still around – sometimes touring with Styx and Journey (you know – country fairs and rock clubs that attract fifty-something drunkards and their overweight girlfriends). The song “Can’t Fight This Feeling” makes us want to tear the radio out of our car.

Factoid: The name REO Speedwagon comes from a truck built by REO Motor Car Company.

Worst Album: You Can Tune a Piano, But You Can’t Tuna Fish (1978)

Gag Inducing Song: “Keep On Loving You”

THE MOODY BLUES

This band came over with the British invasion that brought America the Who, Rolling Stones, the Beatles, and the Yardbirds. And that’s just about enough classic rock to forgive England for this mistake of rock band. We hate the Moody Blues. “Nights in White Satin” is the most overrated “get-it-out-of-my-head” singles ever produced – and that’s their best song. Please make them go away.

Factoid: The band broke up in 1973, but alas, they reformed several years later to put out the 1978 album “Octave.”

Worst Album: To Our Children’s Children’s Children (1969)

Gag Inducing Song: “Nights in White Satin” (ARRRHHH!!!)

JOURNEY

Journey may be the most annoying band on the list because Steve Perry may be the most annoying singer in rock history. Describing his lilting voice as “grating” would be doing a disservice to cheese graters. The band was famous in the early 1980s for its “power ballads” – another word for loud, sappy love songs. And now they simply won’t go away, mostly because they are extremely popular in Japan. Go figure.

Factoid: The band was formed from members of Santana in 1973. Obviously, there was a reason Carlos kicked them out of his band.

Worst Album: Infinity

Gag Inducing Song: “Open Arms” (1982)

TWISTED SISTER

Lead singer Dee Snider describes Twisted Sister as “Slade meets the Sex Pistols.” A more accurate description would be “KISS meets a wood chipper.” This glam metal band popular in the 1980s had better marketing than music. The heavy guitar infused heavy metal breaks no knew ground and the lyrics so sophomoric as to be insulting to sophomores.

Factoid: Dee Snider used to be a regular on “The Howard Stern Show.”

Worst Album: Stay Hungry

Gag Inducing Song: “We’re Not Gonna Take It” (1984)

RADIOHEAD

Radiohead should have been a one-hit wonder for its “not-bad” single “Creep.” Unfortunately, they kept releasing “art” albums and they may be the most overrated, over-hyped band on the list. Radiohead’s music is overwrought, dense, and sounds like it was recorded inside of a toilet. Lead singer Thom Yorke is a graduate of the Steve Perry school of singing.

Factoid: The band members met while attending Abingdon School, a boys public school outside of Oxford, England.

Worst Album: The Bends

Gag Inducing Song: “High and Dry” (1995)

CINDERELLA

Cinderella was encompasses everything that was wrong with glam metal: Bad hair, tacky outfits, and little talent. If you like melodramatic love ballads screeched by a parrot-voiced singer and surrounded by mediocre guitar riffs and drumming that sounds like a homeless man banging on garbage cans – then Cinderella is the band for you.

Factoid: Cinderella opened for Bon Jovi during the band’s “Slippery When Wet” tour.

Worst Album: Still Climbing

Gag Inducing Song: “Don’t Know What You Got (Till It’s Gone)” (1988)

FOGHAT

Foghat deserves some credit for being a rock band during the disco era and for the song “Slow Ride” (which is a middle-of-the-road 70s rocker), but the band created some damn mediocre music. The problem with Foghat is that the band doesn’t have an original bone in its rock body. Listen to a best of album from Foghat and you’re left perplexed. Best of what?

Factoid: The band is “This is Spinal Tap” is supposedly based on Foghat.

Worst Album: Rock and Roll Outlaws

Gag Inducing Song: “Ride, Ride, Ride” (1973)

SMASHING PUMPKINS

Is there a bigger whiner in rock n’ roll than Billy Corgan? He may be the most ego-driven, weak-kneed front man since Boy George. The band’s sophomore effort “Siamese Dream” had one interesting single in “Cherub Rock,” but the rest of the album feels like your reading Corgan’s diary (which one imagines as pink and locked with a little brass key). Their music – a mix of goth, alternative and electronic – generally sounds like yowling cats being crushed in a cement mixer.

Factoid: Billy Corgan worked in a record store in Chicago before forming the band.

Worst Album: Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness

Gag Inducing Song: “Tonight, Tonight” (1995)

MANFRED MANN

Each member of Manfred Mann should be locked up for giving sports stadiums the nauseating “Do Wah Diddy Diddy” – and that’s their best song (They have tunes with titles like “Ha! Ha! Said the Clown” and “Trouble and Tea.” The band rode the British invasion of the United States in the late 1960s and pale next to the likes of the Beatles, Stones and even the Kinks.

Factoid: After the band broke up, Manfred Mann worked writing advertising jingles

Worst Album: My Little Red Book of Winners!

Gag Inducing Song: “Do Wah Diddy Diddy” (1964)

THE HOOTERS

What is there really to say about this bland 1980s rock band? The song “All You Zombies” is the only reason why any sane person could even be considered a fan. The rest of the Hooter’s repertoire induces cringing a strong desire for the member of Aerosmith to hunt them down and beat them with electric guitars.

Factoid: Rolling Stone Magazine named the Hooters the best new band of 1985 (its amazing the magazine recovered from such an enormous mistake)

Worst Album: Nervous Night

Gag Inducing Song: “Hanging on a Heartbeat” (1985)

QUIET RIOT

The best part of this glam metal band is its mascot (which appears on just about every album cover): a straight-jacketed psycho in a metal hockey mask. Other than that – Quiet Riot offers little in the way of auditory pleasure. The music is loud, but predictable and non-threatening (despite the mascot). It also has the ability to induce a headache.

Factoid: The band appeared in a Simpson episode as a born-again rock group called “Pious Riot.”

Worst Album: Condition Critical

Gag Inducing Song: Metal Health (1983)

Labels: Music, Rock

StumbleUpon

Digg

Technorati

E-mail

(Last week, Pastor Ted Haggard, the disgraced fundamental Christian preacher and advisor to George W. Bush, declared that he was 100 percent heterosexual after three weeks of intense therapy. Haggard, you may recall, is the rabid anti-gay crusader and ex-president of the National Association of Evangelicals, who was caught red-handed secretly consorting with a male prostitute in Denver. DaRK PaRTY was able to obtain the schedule of the first week of Haggard’s intense regiment of therapy, classes and re-education. Below is a day-by-day schedule of how Haggard’s handlers squashed his “gayness” and made him a 100 percent straight male once again.)

Day One

9 a.m. – Introduction breakfast

• Meal – Lumberjack special from Leroy’s Diner

10 a.m. – Lecture: “Why Nathan Lane Movies Should be Rated X”

11 a.m. – Movie: “First Blood” starring Sylvester Stallone

Lunch Break

• Meal – Cheeseburgers (cooked rare) and gravy fries

1 p.m. – Class: Boxing lessons

2:30 p.m. – Lecture: “The Works of Norman Mailer”

4 p.m. – Seminar: “The Love Techniques of Hookers”

• Featuring Rita and Candy from the corner of Main and South streets

Dinner Break

• Meal – Turkey pot pie

7 p.m. – Prayer session

8:30 p.m. – Lights out

Day Two

8 a.m. – Old Testament Bible study

• Topic: “Why God Destroyed Sodom”

Breakfast Break

• Meal – Steak and eggs

10 a.m. – Class: Street fighting techniques

11 a.m. – Movie: “Black Hawk Down”

Lunch Break

• Meal: Buffalo wings and fried cheese sticks

1 p.m. – Class: “The Art of Guzzling Cheap Beer”

• Includes game of quarters with Sigma Delta fraternity

2 p.m. -- Vomit break

2:30 p.m. – Lecture: “The Art of the One-Night Stand”

• Guest speaker: David Lee Roth

4 p.m. – Pick-up tackle football game in the quad

• Featuring unemployed ex-cons

Dinner Break

• Meal: Pepperoni pizza

7 p.m. – Movie: “The Best of 70s Porn”

9 p.m. – Lights out

Day Three

8 a.m. – Old Testament Bible study

• Topic: “David & Goliath: Man War”

Breakfast Break

• Meal: Bacon and sausage omelet with ketchup

10 a.m. – Class: “How to Take a Punch Class”

• Guest speaker: George Foreman

11 a.m. – Lecture: “Your Friend the Vagina”

• Featuring Roy Butterhead, junior high school sex education teacher

Lunch Break

• Liquid lunch (plenty of bourbon)

1 p.m. – Movie: “Man on Fire”

3 p.m. – Seminar: Pole dancing demonstration

• Includes lessons on inserting dollar bills into g-strings

4 p.m. – Lecture: “The Literature of Ernest Hemingway”

Dinner Break

• Meal: BLTs and Doritos

7 p.m. – Performance: AC/DC

8:30 p.m. – Lights out

Day Four

8 a.m. – Old Testament Bible study

• Topic: “The Mighty Samson”

Breakfast Break

• Meal: Black coffee and jelly donuts

10 a.m. – Class: “How to Open Pickle Jars”

11 a.m. – Lecture: “The Greatest Super Bowl Moments”

• Guest speaker: Mike Ditka

Lunch Break

• Meal: Corndogs and chili

1 p.m. – Movie: “Enter the Dragon” starring Bruce Lee

3 p.m. – Seminar: “Trench Warfare in World War I”

4 p.m. – Class: “Tough Guys in Fiction: From Marlowe to Spenser”

• Guest speaker: Robert B. Parker

Dinner Break

• Meal: New York sirloin and onion rings

7 p.m. – Movie: “Delta Force” starring Chuck Norris

9 p.m. – Lights out

Day Five

8 a.m. – Old Testament Bible study

• Topic: “Moses vs. Pharaoh”

Breakfast Break

• Meal: Bacon (extra crispy)

10 a.m. – Performance: “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-A-Lot

11 a.m. – Class: “How to Use Tools”

Lunch Break

• Meal: Beef stew

1 p.m. – Movie: “Fight Club”

3 p.m. – Class: Karate lessons

4 p.m. – Lecture: “The Delicate Art of Profanity”

• Guest Speaker: Dennis Leary

Dinner Break

• Meatball subs and potato chips

7 p.m. – Lecture: “Superman vs. Hulk: Who Would Win?”

• Guest speaker: Stan Lee

8 p.m. – Performance: Striptease by Miss Volcano Vulva

9 p.m. – Lights out

Labels: Haggard, Homosexuality

StumbleUpon

Digg

Technorati

E-mail

Labels: Loneliness, Poem

StumbleUpon

Digg

Technorati

E-mail

But on second thought why waste your hard-earned cash on something fattening or something already dying?

Here’s the perfect Valentine’s Day gift – a bottle of red wine and a romantic movie. Break out your coziest quilt, fluff the pillows on the couch, light a few candles, and ready two wine glasses.

DaRK PaRTY recommends a bottle of French or California red wine accompanied by one of our list of 12 movies guaranteed to put a warm glow on your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend or significant other. The rest of the evening, of course, will be up to you…

When Harry Met Sally (1989)

The movie contains, of course, the classic Meg Ryan orgasm scene – where she demonstrates her vocal mastery to Billy Crystal in the middle of a crowded diner. “When Harry Met Sally” put the “cool” back into the chick flick and the hip, irreverent New York characters are the grandparents to “Seinfeld.” It’s a Woody Allen movie without Woody Allen.

Prelude to a Kiss (1992)

Another Meg Ryan vehicle for when she was America’s favorite sweetheart. This time she plays Rita Boyle, a pessimistic young dreamer about to marry Alec Baldwin. She’s in a minor panic at her wedding and mysteriously switches bodies with an old man. The rest of the movie is spent trying to fix the switch. The scenes of Alec coming to terms with being married to an old man are hilarious. A surprisingly engaging and tender film.

Pretty Woman (1990)

This was the movie that made Julia Roberts. She plays a stereotype: the prostitute with a heart of gold. But despite the silly premise of a nice wealthy businessman falling in love with a street walker, the movie works because of the performances of Roberts and the always reliable Richard Gere. Bring some tissues for your girlfriend.

Notting Hill (1999)

Hugh Grant plays the owner of a book store and Julia Roberts plays an international superstar actress. They fall in love despite all the obstacles (and Grant’s slightly deranged roommate). This was another vehicle for Roberts and it works well because of the chemistry between her and Grant.

Bridget Jones’ Diary (2001)

Renee Zellwegger notoriously plumped up for her role as the spunky, delightfully single Bridget. She is forced to choose between bad boy (played winningly by Hugh Grant) and good guy (the underrated Colin Firth). The writing sparkles and the performances are dead-on. You’ll be cheering for Bridget by the time the credits roll.

Pride and Prejudice (2005)

There have been many adaptations of Jane Austen’s most famous novel, but none of them has the energy of this one starring Keira Knightley as Elizabeth Bennett. The slow-build up of the romantic tension between Knightley and Matthew Macfadyen as Mr. Darcy is handled magically. Don’t miss this one.

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003)

This is an underrated romantic comedy starring Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey. The premise is that Kate and Matthew meet at a bar and under two different bets – Kate needs to get Matthew to dump her within 10 day and he needs her to fall in love with her in the same amount of time. Got all that? Despite the strained creditability of the plot – the movie is a delightful escape.

Say Anything (1989)

John Cusack plays Lloyd Dobler whose aspiration is to be a kick-boxer. This is the teen romantic comedy that begat the teen romantic comedy. Ione Skye plays an overachieving valedictorian who can’t help but fall in love with bumbling romantic Cusack when he plays Peter Gabriel’s “Your Eyes” on his boom box.

An Officer and a Gentleman (1982)

You have to enter the “way back” machine for this film. This is the Richard Gere before gray hair and when Debra Winger was “a difficult actress.” The rumors were that Gere and Winger hated each other on set. You’d never be able to tell on-screen, however, because the chemistry between the two is red hot. The plot has to do with Gere training to be a Navy pilot and falling for white-trash Winger. A romantic classic.

Before Sunset (2004)

This is the follow up to 1995’s “Before Sunrise.” The second movie is more mature and the characters more fully realized. The first movie was about love at first sight and two young people spending a whirlwind 24 hours together. Now it is nine years later and the characters have a history. The movie feels real – but it has romance at its center. Great acting by Julie Delpy and Ethan Hawke (who, unfortunately, looks odder and odder as he ages).

Moonstruck (1987)

Another oldie, but goodie. Cher plays a middle-aged Italian widow who falls head-over-heels in love with the younger brother of the man she is supposed to marry. Lots of fun and Nicholas Cage (who the studio tried to fire from the role) plays the character that lifted his career to super stardom.

The Lake House (2006)

Wow. Keanu Reeves actually acts in this movie. He plays a disillusioned architect with a father complex. He moves into a glass lake house and falls in love with the former tenant – who happens to be living two years in the future. Sandra Bullock plays the love interest – a lonely doctor. This is a throw-back movie that feels like it could have been made in the late 1940s. You can’t help, but get sucked into the story.

Labels: Movies, Romance

StumbleUpon

Digg

Technorati

E-mail

Last week, Boston became paralyzed with fear and panic after authorities discovered several magnetic lighted signs attached to bridges, overpasses, and near transportation hubs. The immediate assumption was that the devices were possibly bombs and that the city was about to be attacked by terrorists.

As a result, parts of the subway system and major highways were closed down. State and local police scoured the city and located eight other devices. Meanwhile, the city mobilized extra police, bomb-sniffing dogs, and emergency responders. Traffic in the city ground to a stand still.

In the end, however, the devices were simply video art displays and part of a marketing campaign for a Cartoon Network show called “Aqua Teen Hunger Force.” In other words, millions of dollars wasted and fear and panic propagated for what will go down in history as the most successful guerrilla marketing tactic in history. Turner Broadcasting, the parent company of the Cartoon Network, ended up paying $2 million to Boston and surrounding communities to make up for the furor.

It’s difficult to blame the Boston Police and the Massachusetts State Police for this. In our post-9/11 world when an officer discovers an electronic device with wires and batteries magnetically attached to a bridge overpass – well, better safe than sorry.

But after the initial reaction and once the devices were found to be nothing more than next-generation Lite Brites – shouldn’t common sense have settled in?

It probably would have, except for one thing. The media.

The media continues to play the role of instigator in these types of stories. Responsible reporting and journalistic ethics are thrown out the window in the hysterical fear of not being the first to report on the story. And don’t let the media apologists convince you otherwise. The media is more concerned about being first than being right.

As a former newspaper journalist, I remember the strict instructions in our newsroom when it came to bomb scares. You didn’t cover them. Why? Because bomb scares unnecessarily promoted fear and encouraged copycats. Besides, as one old-time editor once barked at me: “Fictional bombs ain’t news.”

Yet despite this once cardinal rule, the local media – newspapers, local TV and the cable networks -- took this “bomb scare” story and ran with it. They ran hard with irresponsible speculations and breathless updates on every nuanced detail.

One has to wonder how CNN, part of the Turner Broadcasting, was unable to figure out that the devices were part of its own parent company’s marketing efforts until more than eight hours after it first reported on the possible “terror attacks” in Boston (doesn’t the Turner Marketing Department watch CNN?)

But the most amusing aspect of this story may be the press conference of “artists” Peter Berdovsky and Sean Stevens, the twenty-somethings who were the low level marketing freelancers who installed the signs. Both young men spent the night in jail and then were quizzed by a hostile media the next day.

If there’s one thing the media hates – it's subjects that don’t play their roles in a story. The media demands it. Heroes must be humble, grieving mothers must be tearful, politicians must be on message, and wrong-doers must be contrite. Break this script and the media gets damn irritated.

So when Berdovsky and Stevens refused to apologize and turned the press conference into a circus (they would only answer questions about hair), the media wanted their heads on a platter. “A thumb in the eye to the public at large,” one Boston newspaper columnist described it. No, it wasn’t – it was a thumb in the eye to the media.

But we’ve already gotten the preachy op-eds and columns about their behavior – because God forbid the media look in the mirror. They don’t even blame themselves for broadcasting and reporting on the press conference – which was a joke. Instead, they turned the joke into another story.

So the media is now engaged in its next favorite pastime – after sensationalism, finger pointing.

We’re being inundated with stories about who gets the blame: the police, the Boston mayor, Turner Broadcasting, the Cartoon Network, guerrilla marketing, the “new realities” of post 9/11 America, underground culture, the internet, bloggers, and even the apathy of 15 to 25 year olds.

One frantic Boston Globe columnist called the new governor, Deval Patrick, gutless for not sending state police to Atlanta to arrest the head of marketing at Turner Broadcasting.

But the real blame lies with the media. Instead of a bomb scare that turned into a dud and authorities acting responsibly during that time – the media turned it into an event – fearful that the bombs would explode and they’d miss the whole thing. If they had acted responsibly and held the story until the facts revealed themselves, we wouldn’t have had the panic and the fear.

Labels: Essay, Media

StumbleUpon

Digg

Technorati

E-mail

By: Colson Crosslick

Let me be clear: I’m not a fan of the NFL. Professional football is a dirty, disgraceful sport that promotes violence and features oversized men with bulging muscles and tight trousers groping and tackling each other in the mud. The NFL also quietly advocates gambling – a very dangerous activity for young people. As a result, football is one of our least Christian sports (with the possibly exception of soccer which is very popular with Muslims).

But I watch the Super Bowl every year with my Christian youth group. We gather in the church basement with root beer, cheese Nachos, and potato skins to bond together and view what has become the most popular sporting event in the world. So while I disapprove of football on a macro-type level – I’m proud of this wholly American export on a micro-type level. It allows America to showcase our superior sporting acumen to less fortunate countries like those in Southeast Asia and Western Europe.

So imagine my pleasant surprise when our most ungodly of sports turned into a pulpit for the wonders, beauty, and righteousness of Christianity!

We owe it all to Indianapolis Colts Coach Tony Dungy, who is a Christian first and a black man second. After leading his team to victory in yesterday’s Super Bowl by defeating the Chicago Bears, the soft-spoken Dungy made this remarkable statement to the assembled media:

“I'm proud to be the first African-American coach to win this. But again, more than anything, (Chicago Coach) Lovie Smith and I are not only African-American but also Christian coaches, showing you can do it the Lord's way. We're more proud of that.”

It speaks volumes about our Godless, anti-Christian society that the Bloomberg News Service omitted Dungy’s Christian comment – but included the part about being African American. I guess being black is more important than being Christian to Bloomberg News! Talk about refusing to report on reality! But this is how the media works against Christians in today’s society (do you think it is a coincidence that Bloomberg is headquartered in New York City?).

Dungy understands that in today’s America Christians are more persecuted than blacks, Hispanics, women, Italians, and homosexual prostitutes – combined! He understands that being Christian in today’s America means being ridiculed, harassed, and being subjected to prejudicial attitudes by the liberal forces in this otherwise great country.

(Look no further than the pornographic movie called “Borat,” where a reporter from a former Soviet communist country verbally assaults a Christian pastor and his friends at a dinner party. I guess this is what now passes for entertainment in modern day America! Hollywood might as well have a sign installed that says: “Christian Bashers Welcome!”)

While black people make up only 12 percent of the population in the U.S. and Christians account for 80 percent, Dungy understands that the real minority in this country is being a believer in Christ. That’s why he downplayed the color of skin and highlighted his religious beliefs – quite a risk in this day and age!

Dungy clearly knew that his belief in a Christian God helped his team win the big game. This, of course, doesn’t mean that Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, and other misguided religions don’t have their place on the fringes of our society and that people who practice those religions can’t win a Super Bowl (although the anti-God media will probably report that Dungy “hates” these religions because he didn’t praise those false gods after the game).

Dungy was simply thanking the true God – the God who founded this country and made it number one in the world. There’s a reason why Christian nations like the United States lead the world in economics, politics, retail, philosophy, entertainment, and production. It’s because God has favored those of us who embrace Jesus Christ as our savior. That isn’t a slight against non-Christian nations – just the bitter reality.

Dungy is a rarity in the NFL. He is a light-skinned African-American coach who refuses to raise his voice to his players and conducts himself in a polite, Christian manner. He avoids alcohol, doesn’t smoke cigarettes, and rarely, if ever, uses profanity. Talk about breaking the stereotype of the angry black man!

This is because Dungy identifies more with his Christian roots than with his African ones. He knows that evangelic Christian beliefs are the reason why a common black man can rise up to be the winning coach of the Super Bowl.

So while Dungy is proud of his black roots – he is prouder of Christian ones. And that, my friends, is a refreshing burst of sunshine and a blow against the growing anti-Christian forces in our country.

So stand up with Coach Dungy this week and proudly proclaim your Christianity!

(The Rev. Colson Crosslick is pastor of the Pretty Good Shepherd Church in Ripsaw, Arkansas. In the past, he has called for a boycott of all Super Bowl ads featuring scantily clad women. He also writes the regularly appearing column Under God's Right Arm for DaRK PaRTY.)

Labels: Colson, Football

StumbleUpon

Digg

Technorati

E-mail

(DaRK PaRTY used to only like salty snacks (our obsession with Pepperidge Farms “Goldfish” products is ugly). But lately, DaRK PaRTY has craved chocolate – mainly chocolate candy bars. We blame Steve Almond. Almond wrote a book called “Candy Freak: A Journey through the Chocolate Underbelly of America.” Almond freely admits that he has a problem with chocolate and sugar products – keeping several pounds of candy bars stashed in his house (including several boxes of the now discontinued Kit Kat Dark). Obviously the man has a problem. Almond is also the author of two story collections “My Life in Heavy Metal” and “The Evil B.B. Chow.” His next book is a collection of essays "(Not That You Asked)" to be published in 2007 by Random House. He lives outside Boston with his wife and new baby daughter, whom he cannot stop kissing (one wonders if the poor child has been dipped in chocolate). We recently caught up with Steve to ask him about his candy freakhood.)

Steve: If you taste chocolate when you burp, you're probably a candy freak. It's a level of commitment to candy that should be sustained and irrational. But I don't like to draw hard and fast rules, because in the end it's more like a gradient. Everyone has some degree of freakitude within them, some pocket of obsession. It's just a matter of how proudly they fly their freak flag.

DP: Is it possible to be a candy freak and not love chocolate?

Steve: Yes, of course. There's an entire world of candy that doesn't involve chocolate. That being said, chocolate is (for me) the gold standard of the sweets world.

DP: In your book, you visited several independent candy makers. What operation most impressed you and why?

Steve: I dug all of them, but the one that was the most fun to visit was the Idaho Candy Company, where they make the Idaho Spud candybar, which is just the craziest thing on earth. Also: the machine broke when I was there, and that was very cool to see. Also also: Dave Wagers, the guy who owns the company, was unbelievable cool. Totally laid back and still fascinated by candy in the freakish way I am.

DP: Can you share with DaRK PaRTY readers the reasons for your sojourn > to candy makers around the country? What motivated you on your journey?

Steve: Two words: Free Samples.

DP: You're forced to live on "Desert Island" for a year. You can bring a crate filled with three types of candy bars. Which three would you pick and why?

Steve: Snickers, for overall flavor and diversity of ingredients. Kit Kat Dark, because eating them makes my soul tumescent. Carvavelle, because (even though they no longer exist) they were the best candy bar on earth.

Read our interview with Author Dave Zeltersman here

Read our interview with Author Laurie Foos here

Labels: 5 Questions, Candy, Steve Almond

StumbleUpon

Digg

Technorati

E-mail

Labels: James H. Duncan, Poem

StumbleUpon

Digg

Technorati

E-mail