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In my duties as a pastor, many confused Christian boys have approached me after mass in the dim, musty basement of my church. “Pastor Crosslick,” they mumble through their puckered lips. “Why is gay marriage bad? How does it affect me if two fairies get hitched?” In order to answer these troubled boys, I compiled a list of the five reasons why homosexual marriage is a grave danger to our Christian American society.
Let me reiterate to those liberal forces out there that are bigoted against Christians that I do not dislike gays in any way, shape or form! I believe that gays have a place at the fringes of society and have no problem with them residing in the trendier neighborhoods of cities like New York City, San Francisco or Boston. If they chose to engage in evil, despicable behavior and go to hell when they die of AIDS – that is their right and I respect it!
In fact, I have admired many gays, such as Nathan Lane, for their contributions to our society. That said here is my list of the five reasons why any reasonable, uneducated person should oppose the legalization of gay marriage.
1. Gay marriage is an affront to our Ever-loving Lord God
God is very clear about his belief that homosexuality is a wicked sin. In fact, chapter 18 of Leviticus in the Old Testament spells out in simple language all of the forbidden sexual delights that God finds nasty. Homosexuality comes right after God 's warning to men not to fornicate with women when in the midst of their monthly “curse” and right before his admonishment not to engage in hot sex with farm animals.
God says: “Do not practice homosexuality; it is a detestable sin” (Leviticus 18:22). That’s why hell-spawned places like Massachusetts and California should not pass laws to include homosexual lifestyles depicted in classroom lessons. Trust me! Jesus is a loving and tolerant God, but even he has no patience for corrupters of children: “But who shall offend one of these little ones who believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.”
I think it is clear that Jesus is saying that he’ll drown you like a filthy rat if you teach youngsters that gays are just normal people and deserve to be treated like regular folks by being allowed to get married.
2. Gay marriage will usher in the legalization of bigamy and incest
When you start down the slippery slope of legalizing abominations like homosexual marriage, you inevitably open the door to legalizing other sexual fetishes such as bigamy, incest, coprophilia, and autoerotic asphyxia. Laws against making love with your children or your father or your good-looking cousin Phil from New York are rooted firmly in the Christian faith.
Some liberals will argue that incest laws are in place for health reasons because the offspring of such relations have a greater likelihood of inheriting undesirable traits. But that’s a red herring because even if the incestuous couple were infertile few people, except for perhaps the Massachusetts Superior Court, would support such a relationship. Incest is evil – and everyone knows it!
When you allow gay people to marry how will we be able to prevent a man from marrying two women? Or another man from marrying a chicken or a cow? The answer, of course, is that you can’t.
3. Gay marriage will force more children to become criminals
If you support gay marriage then you must also support children being raised as lawless criminals. Prisons are overflowing with well-muscled, tattooed thugs who were raised in broken homes – homes that did not have both a mother and a father. There are many, many studies commissioned by various organizations that prove without a doubt that children who were raised by gay people have a higher tendency to kill. I know some liberals will doubt this fact, but a fact is a fact and studies from uncredited sources do not lie!
Look no further than the socially communist nations of Scandinavia where homosexuals have had the right to get married for many years. The results are predictable – out-of-wedlock births skyrocketed since same-sex marriage was legalized. We all know that out-of-wedlock is just a liberal way of saying: broken home!
4. Gay marriage will destroy heterosexual marriages
All the major religious novels, including the Christian Bible, the Torah and the Koran, teach that homosexuality is unnatural and ruinous to a healthy society. Again we can look to the Scandinavians to prove that gay marriage undermines heterosexual unions. In 1993, Norway’s state courts imposed gay marriage on the country. Again the results were predictable as heterosexual marriages dropped and out-of-wedlock births increased significantly.
This is because same-sex marriage undermines the core foundations of commitment and normalcy of regular marriage. This same pattern is occurring in Canada and Holland where homosexual marriage is legal and already heterosexual unions are dropping faster than the trousers of an interior designer in front of a glory hole.
5. Gay marriage will make homosexual behavior mainstream
Few people – even conservative Christians shielded in the glow of God’s approval – are brave enough to claim that the homosexual lifestyle is dangerous to your health. But it’s true! Gay relationships are loveless affairs and sodomy, which may appear enticing at first, is nothing more than the way AIDS is most commonly spread. AIDS, if you can believe it, has killed more people in the United States than in World War II!
According to Pat Buchanan, one of the most trusted journalists in America, a survey of obituaries in gay newspapers found the average age of those dying of AIDS was 39 and for the rest of the homosexuals it was 42. Homosexuality kills!
That is why we must stop gay marriage from becoming the norm. We must stand up and fight the culture of moral decay and decadency and promote a healthy, loving and tolerant Christian lifestyle. There’s no room in this country for any other way of thinking if we want to save our children.
(The Rev. Colson Crosslick is pastor of the Pretty Good Shepherd Church in Ripsaw, Arkansas. In the past, he has called for a ban of Gay Pride Week. He also writes the regularly appearing column Under God's Right Arm for DaRK PaRTY.)
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The sun, a massive ball of fiery yellow flames, rose rigidly on a misty, sodden meadow. The cascades of light caressed the droplets of dew until they sparkled like the sultry eyes of an underage virgin.Phlyst the beautiful pony stirred in his bed of damp, earthy moss. He rose on his mighty haunches and yawned to welcome the glorious morning. He clicked his hooves in joy and sprang into a trot, his wavy, golden mane rippling in the gentle breeze.
His muscles were stiff and he worked up a lather, picking up steam as his short, but powerful limbs dug into the rich, chocolate soil. Faster and faster, the beautiful pony Phlyst ran, scattering the dew as he sped through the meadow.
He raced over clover and heather. He streaked by maple trees and lilac bushes. He leaped over logs and streams.
"O glorious day!" he thought. "Take me in thy arms and squeeze me like a sticky bath towel!"
Phlyst the beautiful pony ran and ran...
From Chapter Two:
Phlyst the beautiful pony jumped high into the air and dove into the cold, frigid waters of the river. The icy embrace of the water made rows of goosebumps pop out over his firm, muscled skin. The wonder pony swam like a wiggly tadpole to the shore and he climbed majestically onto the beach.
The water slid down his slick chest and Phlyst lifted his muzzle into the air and whinnied in happiness. The sound echoed in the misty environment and awoke a napping water fairy.
The naked water fairy, known to all as Puckerlip gazed upon the beautiful pony Phlyst and felt his heart swell with love. His heart grew and grew until he could stroke it with his sweaty hands. Here was a magnificent pony on who he could impale his never-ending love to! Puckerlip fluttered into the air by beating his wings and jumped onto the back of the beautiful pony Phlyst!
"Let me ride thee pony!" Puckerlip shouted...
From Chapter Three:
Phlyst the beautiful pony shook his powerful back trying to shake the water fairy Puckerlip from his perch. But the fairy clung to his golden mane and laughed with loving glee as he bumped up and down.
The wonder pony hopped into the air and, clicking his heels, raced up the beach and into the meadow at a breakneck speed. Phlyst the beautiful pony pumped his legs harder and harder and he moved faster and faster. So fast that his flicking legs had become a blur.
Puckerlip wrapped his skinny, pale arms around Phlyst's neck as his growing love was replaced by a mounting fear. His fear grew so large and bulging that he could no longer fit it in his mouth.
"O marvelous pony!" Puckerlip shrieked. "Don't trample my love!"
From Chapter Four:
Phlyst the little pony bucked his shapely back and Puckerlip the water fairy tumbled to the meadow with a whack. The water fairy rubbed his engorged bump and began to weep.
"O glorious pony!" Puckerlip sobbed. "I only wanted to show my throbbing love for you!"
Phlyst the beautiful pony was moved by the heavy emotion. He realized that Puckerlip the water fairy had fallen into a trance of love for him. Phlyst the wonder pony whinnied his forgiveness and reared back on his hind legs. The sight of the majestic pony made Puckerlip's heart go pitter-patter, pitter patter. Flapping his gossamer wings, he flew into the spreading arms of Phlyst the beautiful pony.
The two became one. One. One with nature. One with each other. One, one, one. An eternity of oneness. At one with each other's hearts. One heart. Beating. One heart. Beating. Two coming together as one. The same. A complete oneness. One. One.
"We are one," Puckerlip the water fairy sighed.
Afterwards, they swam naked in the cold river to quench the fire of their passion...
(Author Neville Onions new book Phlyst the Pony will be available in the fall. He is the author of dozens of children’s books including the Caldecott Winner Ripley Hops Away. He lives in London with his partner of many years.)
(DaRK PaRTY has always wanted to circumnavigate the globe in a dingy – but decided our collection of Billy Collins poetry would get wet. But we did find four middle-age slackers who decided they needed a daring adventure to attract beautiful women. Their goal – put a portly bartender in an 11-foot sailboat and have him voyage across the world. It hasn’t happened – yet. But the massive preparation has spawned a fascinating Web-only video series and, God help us all, has managed to attract several beautiful women as hosts. The Captain Humphrey’s Project (http://www.captainhumphreys.com/) has become a Web cult sensation with more than 125 episodes. The shows are offbeat, eccentric, and damn funny in a cerebral “Seinfeld” meets “The Office” kind of way. DaRK PaRTY reached out to David O’Connor, producer, writer, and co-star of New York City-based Captain Humphrey’s Project to get to the bottom of this quirky, little adventure series.)
DaRK PaRTY: The Captain Humphrey's Project is one of those guilty Internet pleasures. It's funny, surreal, sarcastic, goofy, and yet oddly cerebral. For those DaRK PaRTY readers unfamiliar with it, can you give us a brief overview of the project and its origin?
David O’Connor: The germ of the project was an attempt to impress a woman. Eric, "the Captain", said he could get into the Guinness Book of Records by circumnavigating in the smallest boat. I overheard his pitch to the woman, which turned out luckless, but the idea of wacky heroism stuck with me. A year later when he was out of work I suggested that the adventure could be more profitable than bartending – his usual means of making a living. We were in our local pub at the time so any practical skepticism we might otherwise have exercised was drowned with hope and cheer and good tidings.
The initial intention of the project was to make a serial documentary about a small group of individuals mounting a quixotic adventure. We made a 15-minute mini documentary (available on our website in the video archives) in order to pitch the idea to the networks and major cable channels. Because video of a man sloshing around in a tiny boat would quickly become tragically boring, we conceived the show as a team project. The back-story, the personalities involved, team dynamics, the nuts-and-bolts of managing this type of project, getting the team to exotic ports-of-call to meet up with the Captain as he made harbor: all these things were planned elements of the documentary that would round out and support the trip.
We market tested the idea by telling it to anyone within earshot. The response was universally positive. "You guys are nuts," people would say. "He’s going to die. I’d watch it." So we went to major media feeling armed with a truly compelling, fresh, unique, fun, funny, whimsical, dramatic, engaging concept that they couldn’t turn down.
They turned it down.
The reason was liability. Not corporate liability, but personal. The buyer would lose his highly compensated job if we failed to fulfill our obligation to provide the programming content. While that may look like an obviously foolish concern now that we have over 6 hours of video, it struck us as foolish right away. Someone suggested we mount the project as a hoax, but we rejected that idea, reasoning that you don’t break faith with your audience and fans. We decided to put the show on the internet. And the irony is that some of our fans think it’s a hoax. It’s not. We just don’t have the audience numbers yet to be able to afford to build or buy a boat and begin the sea-leg of the journey at this juncture. We’ve ended up with this Frankenstein’s monster: a show about a journey that hasn’t started. We love our little monster.
DP: The Captain Humphrey's Project is an enormous undertaking -- not only preparing for a treacherous and potentially deadly navigation across the world, but in writing and producing the numerous episodes. What is the process for putting together each episode?
David: Typically the workday begins around noon. We answer emails, check the site, and correspond with viewers who write into our forum, schedule actors and begin the daily agony of trying to come up with a topic for the next day’s show. In the afternoon, usually 2:00, one of our actors arrives and we shoot those segments. After that we shoot me, Dr. Bob and Eric. Glenn shoots his parts from his tiny little box – it’s a running joke on the show. Some people have theorized that Glenn is an automaton or a CGI program. He’s not. He’s just very like a vampire. By the time we’re done shooting, it’s early evening. We break for dinner. After that we upload the footage to the computer and edit and upload the new show to the servers. It’s now around midnight and we still don’t have a show idea or script for the next day. That’s the sticky part. The earlier part of the day is work. Coming up with the next day’s story feels like what I imagine a lobotomy without anesthetics might feel like.
DP: Can you give us an insight into the characters in the drama? What is Dr. Bob really like? Can the Captain even swim? Is Glen a serial killer? And how did you convince all of those beautiful women to act as show hostesses?
David: In person, Dr. Bob, Glenn and Eric are all exactly as they are on the show. What you see is what you get with them. I am less pedantic, however. Or I think I am. But since I’ve been called that and known what it means since I was four years old, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I have a predilection to pedantry. Or maybe it’s just a penchant. Those two things are different after all.
We didn’t have to convince the ladies to host the show. We just gave them an opportunity to be themselves: beautiful, talented and charismatic. We love them to pieces and are very pleased that some of them have gotten other work as a result of hosting our project.
DP: There have been 125 episodes of the Captain Humphrey's Project as of this interview, yet the Captain has yet to get his feet wet. When in God's name is Eric going to set sail?
David: In all seriousness we’re chagrined that we haven’t gotten Eric on a boat. We have plans in the works to make it happen sooner rather than later. With that said, "the best laid plans of mice and men …" might apply or maybe even, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions." It’s been a strange and winding journey so far. A project that started as a real effort to mount an improbably heroic adventure has turned into a long running comedy about tangential stories that hook into the original concept as best as we can hook them in. We hope we can make the documentary adventure happen soon. Of course we will continue to be our odd irreverent selves even after the reality sets in.
DP: There have been vicious rumors circulating that the Captain Humphrey's Project is a hoax -- that the "project" is nothing more than a group of middle-age slackers producing videos in order to avoid real employment and to work with beautiful women. What is your response to rumors like this?
David: We ARE a bunch of middle-aged slackers producing videos to avoid real employment and to work with beautiful women and have fun. With that said, the project was never and still isn’t a hoax. If we can’t make the circumnavigation happen then we’ll become a failed project that was never a hoax that some people thought was one. At that point, anyone who wants to believe it was never real will be able to go on thinking that until the end of days. If you have any readers with spare boats around or with some money to fund a strange adventure, I would very much appreciate it if they would help us out of this conundrum. In the meantime, we’re going to keep going for awhile and see if we can’t pull a circumnavigation out of a hat.
(Check out episode #127 of the series for a DaRK PaRTY tie-in. We’re now considered the official fan of… umm… David. DaRK PaRTY feels like it needs a shower.)StumbleUpon | Digg | del.icio.us | Reddit | Technorati | E-mail
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We’ve forgotten the benefits of hammocks:
We no longer whistle while we work:
And we’re starting to develop distracting facial tics:
Blame the Puritan work ethic, Corporate America, or our over-consumption addiction, but the fact is American workers are exhausted. We’ve become bleary-eyed pod workers with caffeine problems, irritated bowels, and vitamin D deficiencies. If we were mules the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals would have already stepped in on our behalf.
And yet no one really wants to acknowledge the problem.
Overworked is a badge of honor in the United States. We swap stories about impossible work hours like baseball players recounting homeruns. Professional workers like Doug remain connected to work through Blackberries, cell phones, and pagers. It’s like a giant retractable leash pulling us back to work at the most unlikeliest of times. The mainstream media even brags about our work productivity – ignoring the fact that we’re working ourselves into early graves (coronary heart disease, often caused by stress, remains the biggest killer in the U.S. accounting for one in five deaths).
This is an issue that should have political clout, but there is no mass movement afoot to increase or mandate vacation time for workers. Despite movements by the religious right to put family first most of the political effort has been concentrated on banning gay marriage and fighting the legality of abortion. The left hasn’t made it an issue either and with dwindling membership in labor unions, it’s unlikely to become a political issue any time soon.
So while workers in Europe and Australia revel in government-mandated vacations of four weeks a year, U.S. workers like Doug Goldberg can enjoy our average of 8.1 days of vacation a year and remind the rest of world that we might be exhausted, but we’re damn productive.
*Not his real name
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